Sibling’s engagement making me crazy

[Tailspinning]

I know I will probably get flamed for this because it makes me sound like a jealous bitch but I just need to talk to someone.

Short version: my younger siblings getting married before me seems to have triggered an avalanche of extremely negative thoughts that I can’t shake off. I feel like a terrible sister and a worthless human being.

Long version (and sorry, it is long!): I was in an awful relationship for nine years which ended a few years ago. I won’t go into all the gory details but it was emotionally, sexually and occasionally physically abusive. One of the ways my ex used to torment me was by hanging the prospect of an engagement over my head, hinting that he might be thinking about proposing and then ‘changing his mind’ constantly. Or telling me that he had been maybe thinking about it but that I’d ‘ruined it now’ by doing whatever he happened to be mad at me about that week.

Our relationship ended when he cheated on me, certainly emotionally and possibly physically too. Less than two years later he married the OW. I know - textbook!

Since we broke up, my life has been SO much better. I managed to change careers, get my dream job, and meet the most wonderful man who I’ve been with for nearly three years now. Things are going great at work and I’m achieving things I never thought I would be capable of. I should be so, so happy but my self esteem remains at rock bottom. I do a pretty great impression of someone who really has their shit together, but inside I’m a mess. I’m constantly plagued by thoughts that I’m useless and not good enough.

Last year one of my younger siblings got married and I was thrilled, even though there was the odd comment about how they’d ‘beaten me to it’ from clueless insensitive relatives and the like. It didn’t really bother me at the time as my partner and I weren’t at that stage yet, and tbh I was just grateful that I hadn’t ever married my ex!

However, now my youngest sibling has just got engaged (having been with their partner for just slightly less time than me) and it’s sent me into some kind of crazy spiral of negative thoughts. Sibling is in their early twenties while I’m in my mid-thirties so I couldn’t help feeling like it was ‘my turn’ next. And then I hate myself for feeling like that because of course their relationship is totally separate from mine and I know I’m being ridiculous!

I ended up having a stupid hysterical rant at my partner earlier today about how he clearly never wants to marry me, which is fucking unfair because really I know that he does. A couple of months ago he pretty much admitted that my sibling’s unexpected engagement had thrown a spanner in the works, so I know it must be on the cards but I keep having these horrible dark thoughts that maybe he’s just leading me on like my ex did. Which is really unfair because he is nothing like my ex!

Aaarrgh I don’t even know why I’m posting. Just feeling shit about myself and don’t know who to talk to. I really struggle to open up to anyone in real life about anything like this. People think I’m so cool and calm and ‘together’ and for some reason it’s so important to me that they maintain that impression.

Currently sat here feeling like an awful girlfriend and a crap sister.

Honestly, no, it really doesn’t. He has been my rock for the past three years and my life is a million times better with him in it. I have never had any doubts about him and I’ve never been happier in a relationship.

He does listen and he was an absolute star yesterday. Me picking out a couple of quotes that he said does not mean that those were the only things that he said. We had a very open, honest and loving conversation about it and he asked me what he could do to help me work through these feelings I have about it. He takes any criticism that I throw at him on the chin and will happily work to improve things. I know that if I said to him ‘I don’t want you to propose, let’s just agree to get married’ then he would probably be fine with that, but then I’d feel sad because I’d know that I’d taken away something he has been planning and looking forward to for a while.

What do you suggest I do instead, Polecat? Just LTB because you said so?

Its not a LTB situation, it’s a “have an honest conversation about your feelings” which it sounds like you have done from your recent update.

So hopefully he’s got the message and will pop the question sooner rather than later!

I saw this quote the other day and it speaks volumes - this is what we need from our DPs after abusive relationships.

If it’s important to you to be married it’s ok to say that.

I have said that. It’s important to me and it’s important to him too. We discussed and agreed that right at the start of our relationship. Why are so many people here assuming that I don’t talk to my partner? There is nothing I’ve said here that I wouldn’t (and haven’t) said to him. I would happily show him my posts here, not that he would ever want to see them. We have a very open and honest relationship.

I was saying to him last night that the fact that I would post here and tell him about it speaks volumes, because with my ex I was always too scared to even post on a forum about him lest I be accused of talking about him behind his back.

Honestly, I know people mean well but my relationship is great. I did not come here to get people’s opinions on whether or not my partner really loves me. With respect, I’m really not sure that’s something that anyone here is able to judge.

That’s a great quote MyRelationship and so true! DP has never once made me feel like I have anything to be ashamed of. We met online and before we’d even met in person I felt like I could tell him anything. It was such a sharp contrast from all the other guys I’d spoken to online since my breakup. When we met in person he gave me a hug and I was bowled over because I felt like I was meeting an old friend I hadn’t seen for years, not meeting a random guy from the Internet for the first time!

Sometimes I feel like I pushed down all my emotions for those years and learned to live kind of like a robot with my ex, so now that I’m out of it I’m making up for lost time by having far too much emotion! To quote Mean Girls... I just have a lot of feelings

No, marry him . You ask advice then get defensive when it’s not what you wanted to hear. Hey ho. Whatever.

I’m sorry Polecat, I don’t mean to be defensive but I’m just genuinely bemused by your responses. Perhaps I’m being dense. Why do you think I shouldn’t marry him?

OK Polecat I have read your posts again and I think I understand. You think my partner is being cruel and stringing me along, because he knows that I want to be engaged and that it’s a source of anxiety for me. Is that right?

If so, then although I can see how you’ve formed that impression, I do not think that’s the case. I don’t think my upset comes from him not proposing, it comes from my own feelings that I am just not good enough for anyone. I don’t want him to propose just because I have a tantrum one day and he feels that he has to do it then and there to make me feel better. Does that make sense?

Does he know you want to be married imminently?

Is he ready?

I feel for the both of you. Your history sounds awful and you seem very aware that you don't have much time; which is stressful. It does sound like you've found a good man, and he's reassured you about his intentions. From what you've said, you don't think this is a "saying something but actions saying something else" situation - so it's just timing, you're in a rush and you feel more pressured because it feels like it's happening for everyone else and you're being left behind. For him, it might be a bit more rushed than he'd like. The external pressures are strong!

To be honest, although it sounds flippant, I think counselling might be your best bet here. For your benefit, too - at the moment it sounds like there would be a big element of relief when he proposes, and you might find that affects that base happiness you deserve. I think it'd help in the future, too

We cross posted, but

I don’t want him to propose just because I have a tantrum one day and he feels that he has to do it then and there to make me feel better.

That's what I'd be worried about happening, too. I can't really see a way to make sure that it doesn't without reducing all of the pressure that he's feeling by knowing that you're so unhappy, if I'm honest.

I think him knowing how much anxiety this is causing you is mean and I question his motives for putting his romanticised proposal ahead of your anxiety.

So what do you think is going on? Either you’re not communicating with him and being a martyr and he’s got no clue how crazy you’re feeling on the inside, or he does and he’s putting his wants ahead of your needs. And he’s not as wonderful as you appear to think he is. Either way, of course that doesn’t mean you leave him for fucksake!

It just means neither of you are perfect and you both bloody work on your issues. It’s not just your issues, it’s his too. Isn’t this what normal people in healthy relationships do? They work on it together?

I am guessing along with the other poster that he doesn’t actually know the extent of your anxiety and you’re setting yourself up.

You seem to think his dream of getting on one knee trumps your anxiety. I don’t. Lovely it’s been his dream but hey ho, he chose you and you come with your own baggage.

OP, I wonder if this is not about marriage at all?

I think you might be over investing in the comments about your siblings 'beating you to it', and what should have been shrugged off as mindless chit chat has become something that it wasn't intended to be.

I think for your own happiness you need to work through why you feel this way because otherwise you could get married tomorrow and still be unhappy.

Honestly, life is exactly the same after marriage. Your issues will still be there.

Yes. Why are you putting his need/ dream of proposing at a time of his choosing over your own needs here? I suspect because of.the previous relationship and how it continues to impact you.

Doesn't mean your DP is a bastard or that you should ltb. But you are allowed to challenge. ( as opposed to simply talking or explaining) and again, you don't need to apologise more than once.

From what you've said, he was just about to propose. But your sister got engaged and, decent man that he is, he won't rain on her parade and knows he has to wait a while. I doubt very much he'll wait long - he wants it to be special for you.

I do wish posters wouldn't keep droning on about the marriage thing. It's not about the marriage - you know he loves you and is fully fully committed to you.

This is about your trauma. You've had a very significant experience of sustained abuse over a long period. As much as we'd like to walk away from that, we just can't.

Thank goodness he and your family are in your life. He is a good man, that seems obvious.

I'm with Polecat and MsPavlichenko. I too think sound terrified that you'll 'blow it', which is clearly a pattern learned from your previous relationship, and his (professed) desire to come out with a romantic proposal is not making things any easier for you, but he still hangs on to it - and thereby the control.

I do get the feeling, a little bit, that as your ex was so terrible you are reluctant to admit or allow any criticism of your current dp. You have set him up as a polar opposite to your ex in every way, as your saviour, your 'rock'. But - while he is clearly not your ex - he is human and he is unlikely to be perfect. He may even have the potential to be a bit of a dick about some things. And I, and a few others, think he may be being a bit of a dick about this proposal thing. Which is not to say anyone is recommending you damn him completely and LTB. I am guessing your past experiences leave you struggling with shades of grey (no reference to that bloody book intended).

I also don't think it's very good for you, after abuse, to be in a position of waiting for a man to make a decision on how and when your future goes forward. I think it would be more healing to you to take things, together with him, into your hands. To say 'I want to get married. Let's commit ourselves to it and do it.' Then find a way to do it that suits your need for distance from your sibling's wedding, or whatever. If he's that good a man, he will understand that the dream proposal he's started slightly taking his time about has to come second in this scenario.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight

Agree absolutely with this.

Totally agree with ElderlyLady, Pavlichenko and Polecat.

He may be much better than your ex, but his approach to this proposal is causing you distress, so it would be much more sensible to agree to get married together and move forward that way - whenever you choose to announce it.

The info about TTC is ambiguous, you say you’ve had the coil removed, but ‘it just can’t happen right now’. Why not?

I don’t want to fuel your anxiety, which is palpable in your posts, but tbh your situation would be making me stressed too and I don’t have the history with your ex.