Sibling’s engagement making me crazy

[Tailspinning]

I know I will probably get flamed for this because it makes me sound like a jealous bitch but I just need to talk to someone.

Short version: my younger siblings getting married before me seems to have triggered an avalanche of extremely negative thoughts that I can’t shake off. I feel like a terrible sister and a worthless human being.

Long version (and sorry, it is long!): I was in an awful relationship for nine years which ended a few years ago. I won’t go into all the gory details but it was emotionally, sexually and occasionally physically abusive. One of the ways my ex used to torment me was by hanging the prospect of an engagement over my head, hinting that he might be thinking about proposing and then ‘changing his mind’ constantly. Or telling me that he had been maybe thinking about it but that I’d ‘ruined it now’ by doing whatever he happened to be mad at me about that week.

Our relationship ended when he cheated on me, certainly emotionally and possibly physically too. Less than two years later he married the OW. I know - textbook!

Since we broke up, my life has been SO much better. I managed to change careers, get my dream job, and meet the most wonderful man who I’ve been with for nearly three years now. Things are going great at work and I’m achieving things I never thought I would be capable of. I should be so, so happy but my self esteem remains at rock bottom. I do a pretty great impression of someone who really has their shit together, but inside I’m a mess. I’m constantly plagued by thoughts that I’m useless and not good enough.

Last year one of my younger siblings got married and I was thrilled, even though there was the odd comment about how they’d ‘beaten me to it’ from clueless insensitive relatives and the like. It didn’t really bother me at the time as my partner and I weren’t at that stage yet, and tbh I was just grateful that I hadn’t ever married my ex!

However, now my youngest sibling has just got engaged (having been with their partner for just slightly less time than me) and it’s sent me into some kind of crazy spiral of negative thoughts. Sibling is in their early twenties while I’m in my mid-thirties so I couldn’t help feeling like it was ‘my turn’ next. And then I hate myself for feeling like that because of course their relationship is totally separate from mine and I know I’m being ridiculous!

I ended up having a stupid hysterical rant at my partner earlier today about how he clearly never wants to marry me, which is fucking unfair because really I know that he does. A couple of months ago he pretty much admitted that my sibling’s unexpected engagement had thrown a spanner in the works, so I know it must be on the cards but I keep having these horrible dark thoughts that maybe he’s just leading me on like my ex did. Which is really unfair because he is nothing like my ex!

Aaarrgh I don’t even know why I’m posting. Just feeling shit about myself and don’t know who to talk to. I really struggle to open up to anyone in real life about anything like this. People think I’m so cool and calm and ‘together’ and for some reason it’s so important to me that they maintain that impression.

Currently sat here feeling like an awful girlfriend and a crap sister.

Thanks AndTheBandPlayedOn. All very true and sensible advice. It absolutely is not fair to judge my partner’s behaviour based on the actions of my ex.

I don’t feel like I’m in competition with my siblings, but I guess I feel like someone from the outside might view it that way? Like, if people were talking about one sibling ‘beating me to it’ when they’re only a few years younger then what will they think about a much younger sibling now ‘beating me to it’ too? A sibling whose nappies I used to change and who I basically helped to bring up?

Right now I’m feeling calm and so I can see that it’s all nonsense and that of course nobody thinks that. But in my darkest moments I find myself telling myself that I’m stupid and worthless and that even my baby sibling can find someone who wants to marry them before me!

People are commenting on it because that’s why you’re upset - that your partner hasn’t proposed. You’re not actually upset that your youngest sibling is getting married, are you? It’s that you aren’t too.

So why are you asking people not to discuss the root of your problem?

And sorry, a “lovely” partner would have told you about his intentions to propose and would have done so to you, especially given how much upset it’s caused you. You don’t need to announce your engagement to all immediately, if you don’t want to “steal anyone’s thunder” but there’s no reason for him to wait.

Thanks Cricrichan, really appreciate you taking the time to post.

And sorry, a “lovely” partner would have told you about his intentions to propose and would have done so to you

But... he did do those things. Sorry, I’m not sure what you mean?

Is your upset caused by the “beat you too it” comments? Consider the source. This is an off the cuff comment that boorish jerks peddle out for a ha-ha moment at your expense. You have absolutely no need to care what these people think.

They are the sort to spark a sibling (or any other context) pissing match and sit back and enjoy the entertainment.

This reveals much more about them (not in a good way) than your chronology does about you (totally irrelevant to anyone but yourself).

Don’t listen to them. Water, duck, back, etc. Just take a wee step to the side and let those sound waves proceed right past you into infinity and beyond. “Did someone say something?”

Bloody hell, talk about getting the wrong end of the stick

I think you're traumatised op. Been there, t-shirt. I don't think this is about your sister, or even about being married, it's about the vile abuse.

Look, hoards and hoards of us got caught in a vile, abusive relationship (marriage in my case). Blaming ourselves for it is like blaming a woman for being sexually assaulted bcs she wore a short skirt: there is such a thing as a victim. We were victims of abusers, we both got out. The wounds take time and a lot of work to heal. Therapy an absolute first port of call for you I'd say.

Well done, you left the bastard. Well done! That is NOT easy, and you did it. So I'm proud of you, anyway.

Keep going, girl. You will heal over time. You have to work at it though. I read a book about trauma and the author, a specialist in trauma, said her research showed uncanny similarities between the trauma of domestic abuse with the trauma of vietnam vets. I don't know about you, but I relate to that.

Sorry , the wrong end of the stick comment was to posters who insist you should propose etc. Sometimes MN seems to wilfully misunderstand..

I also see you didn't leave him - so sorry I projected got that wrong. I'm not being cheesy when I say you have achieved SO much since the bastard vanished to hell, hopefully - more than me tbf. I certainly haven't managed to have a functioning relationship since, so you've done better than me.

I don’t really have anything to add, but I just wanted to add the rest to let you know that you are not a crap sister or an awful girlfriend!

You, completely understandably, have some anger and upset feelings and they are ok to have! You can’t control how you feel, especially when it’s so tied in to a deeply troubling history. Don’t make yourself feel worse by telling yourself you’re a terrible person when you’re not.

Bad feelings do not make bad people and you won’t feel like this forever! Until the anger and sadness has passed, keep talking about it and working through it!

Remember; you’re doing great and people love you!

I am not suggesting you propose. Or that you wait for him to. If you have such a great relationship and love each other why not simply plan to marry? Why the need for a proposal?

It was clearly something that your previous partner used ( by withholding) to controll and abuse you. So why still allow it to be a thing. And therefore hand the power to your current partner. You want to get married. Just agree to do it. In your long and hopefully happy future this means nothing at all. Be happy.

Why are you so hung up on marriage? It isn’t compulsory. Many people don’t feel the need to marry at all, and have very strong relationships.

And you don't need to apologise like crazy
Once is enough if you mean it.

He says that short of telling me exactly when and where he’s planning to propose there’s little else he can do to reassure me.

Isn’t that all a bit silly?

You know he’s going to. He knows you know. But you’re neverthegoing to go through the farce of a “surprise” proposal? And until then you have to act as though nothing’s been agreed? It’s all very silly.

Can’t you just crack on and start making plans in the meanwhile, both knowing he’ll get down on one knee when he has a ring?

Might be an idea to book a venue at least, given your schedule is right and you’re broody.

I agree with springy.
Imho, you are a few years out of the abusive relationship. You are thriving and in a solid relationship now. You are now safe .

I think this gives your brain a chance to process what happened back then to resolve it, perhaps through properly feeling your authentic feelings that you could not express in the moment. That was an injustice.

The teasing of a possible engagement was humiliating, degrading, and just plain mean. You did not deserve to be treated like that. That was not about you, or your worth, or your personality, or your marriageability. It was all about your abusive ex and nothing else. He brainwashed you to believe otherwise to put the focus on you instead of revealing the truth of his own abysmal character. But it was all a lie. Your present success proves that beyond any doubt.

Your sister’s engagement was a trigger. The “beat you to it” comments may be a red herring.

Quick comment as I went through something very similar. Unfortunately I could not let things progress at their own rate and one morning said to dp that we should crack on... and although he seemed surprised that I didn't want a special moment as such, he proposed there and then.

.. and because I hadn't actively dealt with WHY I felt so panicked etc, whenever we have a disagreement a small voice tells me that he only married me because I cornered him. Even now after 15 years.

I'm not saying this will happen to you, just that up till that point my story mirrors yours exactly (all of it as you've written it), and if you don't deal with your issues, you'll find some other way to morph the reality into a panic/ drama/something distressing.

Thank you, there are some very kind people here!

Springy I don’t really know if I can say I left him or not. I tend to think of it as him finally letting me go. He was distracted pursuing the OW and it was like I felt his hold on me slipping, so I left and for once he didn’t fight it. All the previous times I’d tried to leave he’d made me feel so guilty that I always just went back.

He was then very off/on with the OW, and during the ‘off’ times he would try to get me back (I didn’t know what was happening with her at the time but I pieced it together later), but by that point I had finally come to my senses so there was no way that was happening. So I guess I can feel a little proud of myself for that! About a year later my ex had some kind of epiphany and phoned me to apologise for all the crap he’d put me through, and I was pretty proud of myself for not just saying ‘it’s ok’. I told him I appreciated the apology and I wished him the best, but I would not be telling him that it was all ok because it wasn’t.

To all those repeatedly asking why marriage is a big deal to me etc., perhaps I could kindly ask that you read my OP again. Having my ex dangle it over my head for years only to marry someone else immediately after we broke up has perhaps left me with some lingering issues in that area!

“But... he did do those things. Sorry, I’m not sure what you mean?”

Are you engaged? No. He said he’s planning on it at some point but wants it to be a surprise. What the hell? It’s causing you anxiety and stress - why is he knowingly causing you anxiety and stress? Why don’t you both agree you want to get married and go pick out a ring? Then, you both decide on a date a few months from now when you announce your engagement to all, so it’s not so close to your sibling’s announcement. You realise lots of couples discuss to get married without someone getting down on one knee with a ring he picked out for you?

Sorry that I’m not replying to every individual comment but I am reading and appreciating them all! Lairyfights, your comment in particular was very reassuring and much appreciated. Talking about how I feel is really not something that I’ve ever been good at, but I think I’m getting better at it slowly!

And I do have lots of people who love me, that’s true. It’s also something that my ex used to use against me a lot as he’d tell me no one really cared about me and he was the only one looking out for me. All bollocks of course! As soon as I left him I had an army of friends and family around me helping me move and just generally offering support, which was quite the eye-opener after years of believing that nobody gave a crap about me!

Polecat, I understand what you’re saying but my partner really is not the problem here. I am 100% sure of that, so thank you but I don’t need to keep hearing that he’s the problem or that we should just get on with it.

We have had enough conversations about it for me to know that he has looked forward to meeting someone and proposing to them for a long time, and I would not want to take that away from him. Some people will find that very silly but I have chosen to respect his feelings on this. He hasn’t exactly had the easiest life himself and this is something that he has looked forward to for a long time.

Plenty of my friends have just agreed to get married without the proposal and that’s great!

I know you’re saying you don’t want to propose to him or just agree to get married but it’s that situation which is causing you anxiety so why not deal with it?

It seems like you’re replaying the scenario with your ex and hoping this time it works out for you, like if only you do everything right this time he will go through with it, hence the apologising “like crazy” - it’s ok to get upset, in a truly loving relationship he would be listening and empathising and saying “I get it, how can I make this easier for you?” not “I’ve done nothing wrong, I can’t do anything more than I’ve done”. I think this is the root of it. You’ll be tiptoeing around now, trying not to blow your chance of him proposing and feeling out of control of your own destiny.

If you’re already preparing to get pregnant your focus will change once you are - you’ll end up delaying marriage due to pregnancy, newborns, breast feeding etc and before you know it you’ll have two kids starting school and still not be married. And then you get “what’s the point, it’s just a piece of paper, we’re already committed?!” - I have seen it time and again.

If it’s important to you to be married it’s ok to say that. If you want him to demonstrate how important it is to HIM then perhaps he can be in charge of planning a party to announce the engagement (and of course he’s free to surprise you at any point, with any gift or gesture that takes his fancy!) but in the meantime you will know your future with him is secure. That’s not too much to ask and it’s sad how many women leave their future in the hands of a guy (like your ex) who doesn’t deserve the power he has.

X-post, but there’s a reason we’re all saying it!

My DP proposed to me at midnight kneeling by the bed, using my old ring which he fetched from the bathroom. It doesn’t need to be preplanned to be romantic.

Whatever you do, make sure you're married before you have children.

If he won't do that, then he's not for you.

I'm 17 years free from an abusive relationship.

When I was with my now DH and we had been together 5 odd years I used to be insanely jealous when anyone got engaged if they had been together a shorter time than us.

My ex didn't dangle marriage at all but I think I wanted to be married to my DH so badly to help me feel secure.
I've suffered so much with my self esteem over the years, I'm now finally in a place that I'm comfortable in my own skin.

Your thoughts sound very similar to mine. Things will keep improving with time.
Hopefully once you feel your relationship is more cemented with a proposal or marriage you can relax and other issues might start to improve.

There is that quot about loving yourself and knowing you are worthy of being loved. Or something like that!

Well that's my ramble anyway. ☺

I really think you need to deal with this negativity about yourself. Because that's what is at the heart of it. Because without a marriage, you are still you. Marriage is the legal and public recognition of your relationship. But your relationship is what is important, without it the marriage is worthless.

Why don't you try to find something about yourself that you like and/or are proud of, every day. Focus on it, write it down, say it out loud. It doesn't have to be bit. It can be something as simple as 'I like my smile' or 'I'm very good at X'. Anything really. But it's time to put a stop to the script that is running at the back of your mind.

“It seems like you’re replaying the scenario with your ex and hoping this time it works out for you, like if only you do everything right this time he will go through with it, hence the apologising “like crazy” - it’s ok to get upset, in a truly loving relationship he would be listening and empathising and saying “I get it, how can I make this easier for you?” not “I’ve done nothing wrong, I can’t do anything more than I’ve done”. I think this is the root of it. You’ll be tiptoeing around now, trying not to blow your chance of him proposing and feeling out of control of your own destiny. ”

Very well said.

OP, we don’t know you and we don’t know him. But objectively speaking and based on what you are telling us... does it not give you pause when strangers are all picking up on the same issue?