Ex DH has basically ruined DD's life by being a Disney dad

[CocoAndRose]

I've name changed for this as it will probably be quite identifying.

I have a DD who is 20. I split from her father when she was 11 months old as he was emotionally abusive and also became physically abusive when she was born. He told me when I split up with him that he would do everything to ensure that DD hated me when she was older and that he would do everything possible to make life as awkward as possible for me.

Over the years whenever she has seen him he has stuck true to his word, as have his family. He always let her do whatever she wanted, whether that was to sit in the bath for 8 hours, eat nothing but chocolate for 48 hours, or wear a swimsuit and no coat in the middle of winter! He would never make her brush her teeth or have her hair brushed, and would tell her to do naughty things when she was with me, such as "always run off in shops when mummy is paying at the till".

As she got older he carried on with Disney dad and also constantly would run DH and I down to her (I met my DH when DD was 3), and tell her that my other DD and DS weren't her real siblings . He also still encouraged her to do naughty things and just be generally disobedient, and of course because she was allowed to do anything she wanted at her dad's house, she refused to take any notice of any rules at home and at school. He told her that "education is for snobs" throughout secondary school and to muck around at school as school is for fun and the main thing is that you're happy. He has also always told her not to go to university as it's "for snobs" and "useless".

She did ok at school, but nowhere near as well as she could have done as she is a lovely bright girl. She then went to college to basically muck around and has so far done three different courses in three years and failed them all as she just mucks around. She also, upon leaving school, moved in with her dad as she didn't like us having rules at home.

So now she is 20 and has a very, very part time job in a shop (I'm talking 8 hours per week or less), and just spends the rest of her time dossing around at her dad's house. She has been spoiled by him and has quite a bad attitude and just doesn't want to work and wants everyone else to subsidise her. I've tried to help her find other jobs, or to try to find a suitable college course but she doesn't want to as life is for having fun apparently! I've suggested she goes travelling but he vetoed that and then she didn't want to go after he gave his opinion!

I'm just so fucked off with the whole situation. Ex has basically ruined her life really. Like I said she is a bright young lady and could have a really good career or could go travelling and really see the world, or even just have a full time job.

I'm just so angry about it all!

It takes a special kind of cunt to dedicate his whole life to upsetting you at the expense of his own child. He sounds evil.

Surely if your DD really wanted to travel, then nobody saying 'oh it's a waste of time' is going to put her off? Really? When she's seen peers going off travelling and having a wonderful time?

Sounds more like she's desperate to please him, for whatever reason, rather than she does what he says because it pleases her...

I'm presuming he isn't in another relationship? Because I can't see another woman being happy to have a SD dossing around at the house being subsidised. Doesn't he want another relationship?

BlueAnchor

He wanted his fathers acceptance, he wanted to be like him, he wanted an easier option and his father supported all of that.

This ^ appears to be the bit that the OP doesn't see. The bit where the child makes a decision.

So the long and short of it is you had to watch
your child become useless due to her father's influence and were totally helpless.

In reality some children turn out this way without any negative parental influence, so who knows what would have been the case even without her dad.

It kind of suggests that the father was always a kind of useless person who never valued education even without having children.

If your ex was a twat to you -why hide it from your daughter?If you think that you are protecting her ,you have made a big mistake; one she will soon discover.
Having said that your ex sounds a right nasty piece of work to use his daughter in his bitter revenge

I agree with others though that some young adults turn out this way. We know at least three with parents who are both hard working, great parenting, great education but have turned it all down and in their 20s are still milling around.

I wouldn't blame the dad because at 20 she should know better....

I believe you.

I don't think people realise the depths these types go to, the darkness around them. Most people can't, or don't want to, get their heads around that, insisting there must be a logical explanation. You have to experience it to know the depths of depravity; that nowhere is too low.

You and me both hold out that some of the good stuff will stick in the long run. Light is greater than darkness, surely.

@Trinity66 It takes a special kind of cunt to dedicate his whole life to upsetting you at the expense of his own child. that has made me LOL you have just described my bio dad in that sentence thankfully I saw sence very quickly and went NC with him.

Some of the cruel comments on here are unbelievable and naive blaming the OP because the daughter was with them most of the time. Seriously a weekend parent can have major influence on a child simply by having no rules their lifestyle is fun and attractive to a child. And those of you saying how could the OP allow the daughter to have contact er hello 20 years ago this kind of manipulative behaviour wasn't recognised and unless the OP could prove ex was a risk to their child the courts would grant him access regardless of his abuse of her.

@CocoAndRose I'm sorry you've had to go through all this but don't give up on your DD yet she's young and I daresay her dad will at some point get fed up of financially supporting her its a hollow victory for him because if she does eventually see his true colours I would bet she will walk away without a backward glance. Right now all you can do is just let her know you're there for her when she needs you and let her live her life how she wants to she's an adult now and can make her own decisions and mistakes, constantly encouraging her to study and work more etc while no doubt coming from a good place will only be playing into her father's hands. The only "mistake" I would say you made was to not tell her the truth about her dad abusing you. You don't need to slag him off to tell her the truth next time she asks questions tell her the brutal honest truth and let her go back to him with questions he'll soon show himself up when he lies to her which he will c*nts like him always do show their true colours eventually