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Original poster

Ex DH has basically ruined DD's life by being a Disney dad

83 replies

CocoAndRose · 20/05/2018 18:13

I've name changed for this as it will probably be quite identifying.

I have a DD who is 20. I split from her father when she was 11 months old as he was emotionally abusive and also became physically abusive when she was born. He told me when I split up with him that he would do everything to ensure that DD hated me when she was older and that he would do everything possible to make life as awkward as possible for me.

Over the years whenever she has seen him he has stuck true to his word, as have his family. He always let her do whatever she wanted, whether that was to sit in the bath for 8 hours, eat nothing but chocolate for 48 hours, or wear a swimsuit and no coat in the middle of winter! He would never make her brush her teeth or have her hair brushed, and would tell her to do naughty things when she was with me, such as "always run off in shops when mummy is paying at the till".

As she got older he carried on with Disney dad and also constantly would run DH and I down to her (I met my DH when DD was 3), and tell her that my other DD and DS weren't her real siblings . He also still encouraged her to do naughty things and just be generally disobedient, and of course because she was allowed to do anything she wanted at her dad's house, she refused to take any notice of any rules at home and at school. He told her that "education is for snobs" throughout secondary school and to muck around at school as school is for fun and the main thing is that you're happy. He has also always told her not to go to university as it's "for snobs" and "useless".

She did ok at school, but nowhere near as well as she could have done as she is a lovely bright girl. She then went to college to basically muck around and has so far done three different courses in three years and failed them all as she just mucks around. She also, upon leaving school, moved in with her dad as she didn't like us having rules at home.

So now she is 20 and has a very, very part time job in a shop (I'm talking 8 hours per week or less), and just spends the rest of her time dossing around at her dad's house. She has been spoiled by him and has quite a bad attitude and just doesn't want to work and wants everyone else to subsidise her. I've tried to help her find other jobs, or to try to find a suitable college course but she doesn't want to as life is for having fun apparently! I've suggested she goes travelling but he vetoed that and then she didn't want to go after he gave his opinion!

I'm just so fucked off with the whole situation. Ex has basically ruined her life really. Like I said she is a bright young lady and could have a really good career or could go travelling and really see the world, or even just have a full time job.

I'm just so angry about it all!

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 20/05/2018 18:41

He didn't veto it.

She is 20. She decided not to go. Maybe because shed actually have to get off her arse and work for the funds.

He may have been able to sway her when she was young. But now at 20 she's been exposed to you, school, work, friends etc. She's should have enough life experience to be able to get her shit together.
Her failure to launch is now squarely on her shoulders.
So wash your hands of the responsibility of supporting her.

When she sees her younger siblings thrive and she's a nearly 30 year old with nothing she'll regret her choices.

NeverTwerkNaked · 20/05/2018 18:42

@StormcloakNord...it’s pretty hard to prevent contact. I know people whose own children have been abused by their dads but the court still allows contact. You are very naive about how family courts work if you think that was an option.

op I feel your pain, I really do. I fear my ex will try this game with my children too and it terrifies me. I am dreading the teenage years.

Original poster
CocoAndRose · 20/05/2018 18:42

Well as I mentioned he did tell me that he was going to make things as difficult as he could for me. He's not a good person.

OP posts:
PetulantPolecat · 20/05/2018 18:42

So he achieved all this in 48 hours every two weeks? Or he had 50/50? Because if you raised her and was the resident parent then you’re more to blame than him.

Also don’t get why you’d allow someone abusive who threatened you unsupervised access and didn’t take him to court every chance you could for last 2@ years

Mrskeats · 20/05/2018 18:43

You can certainly reduce contact and make it hard if there is a genuine concern for a child’s well-being.
I agree with rainy that this arrangement with her father will break down. Use your better influence then.

scottishdiem · 20/05/2018 18:48

I think people are underestimating how quickly good things that a parent does can be undone in hours by bad things. People are flexible and often take the path of least resistance and try to stick to it. If life was more "fun" etc. when with Dad then it is easy to see how a child will defer to the behaviours of the parent.

Propaganda does not have to be constant to influence decisions and intentions (look at UK debates on immigration - no facts invovled really but lots of Daily Mail/Express/Sun headlines. Thus people believe that immigrants both come here to take jobs and take benefits).

But she is 20 now and as an adult there is not much you can do.

mumtoaboywhosgreat · 20/05/2018 18:50

It's just not that easy to reduce or stop contact

Even if it was you then end up with a child potentially hating you for preventing them seeing the other parent

And Disney dads usually are very loved parents by small children and incredibly influenced by them.

GreenTulips · 20/05/2018 18:52

Most people grow up to be decent citizens.

She will work this out for herself and I'm sure her dad will become bored.

Stop trying to win.

Your DD will see her dad for who he is because the mask will slip eventually. She will see the control.

Be there but don't bail her out.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/05/2018 18:54

mumtoaboywhosgreat
If it's all directed at the partner not the child sadly he still has a right to access

He doesn't have rights to access, the child has a right to a relationship with the NRP.

Battleax · 20/05/2018 18:56

I believe you OP.

There’s still time for her to come good, find direction and get an education once she matures a bit.

RainySeptember · 20/05/2018 18:57

I realise her dad threatened to make you suffer and so on twenty years ago but it's pretty unlikely that he held onto that level of hatred for twenty years imo.

He hasn't ruined her life. Nobody's life is ruined at 20 and it can all be salvaged, when she realises that life is passing her by.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 20/05/2018 18:58

You spent the bulk of time with her so your parenting would have had the most influence not his.

You say the others haven't turned out this way but they had the stability of both parents rather than a broken home and living with a step parent can be very hard as they naturally favour their own children over a non related child.

She's being subsidised by him as an adult but that's not really any different from other adults who don't work or do a few hours and rely on others. If he decides he's had enough, she's going to learn the hard way.

BlueAnchor · 20/05/2018 18:59

Can sympathies, my XH has done the same to my DS and in similar circumstances of emotional abuse.

Bright boy, XH always disapproved of a good education. DS wants his approval. XH always said he would convince DS to be with him.XH always had a chip on his shoulder about my degree. Hated feeling he hadn't achieved academically. Has little relationship with our other university educated DC's.

DS dropped out supported by his dad. Decisions all made without me. DS is doing a very menial job, moved away to live with his dad. Dad got fed up of having him there and gave DS a house near to him. He lives in near squalor in an awful area, has reinvented himself removing all trace of his middle class upbringing. I cried when I visited his house and saw his life style.

So sympathise with your situation and agree with you about that feeling of absolute helplessness. If I try to talk to my DS he just trots out his dad's views. I have had to just accept that it must be in his genes...that my DS just has more of his dad's genes than mine, makes it seem more objective, that my DS hasn't chosen to act like this and it is acceptable for him to make his own decisions (brain washed by dad not much)

Advice given to me us that eventually his upbringing will shine through, he will want more from life and will be motivated to make change. ..not seeing it yet four years on though.

sonjadog · 20/05/2018 19:00

I think you bow out of this argument with your ex now. Your daughter is grown up. From now on, her life is in her hands. I think you are so used to his influence and being annoyed with how he is treating her that you haven't adjusted to the new reality of having an adult for a daughter. He cannot veto a 20 year old going traveling. He can influence her but the decision is hers. The decision to work part time and hang around his house is also hers. Instead of blaming him, start seeing your daughter´s choices as the choices she is making for herself as an adult.

Some people take longer to sort themselves that others. Being 20 years old and not having a career path planned out is very normal. Your daughter may be a little behind her peers due to her dad´s influence, but she will no doubt find her way in life in the end. Support her as you would another adult.

cestlavielife · 20/05/2018 19:01

She is an adult.
He cannot veto anything
Be there
Be nice
Tell her she can anything she sets her mind to.
She can go to uni later or travel or whatever

Gizmo79 · 20/05/2018 19:02

I’m in the same situation but with a younger child.
The influence that a family can have even if only every other weekend is huge.
I didn’t want to be the mother who stopped a father seeing his child, despite a hugely emotionally and physically abusive ex. So despite an 8 year non contact (his choice), he has now seen her every other weekend (as his family do pick up &drop off).
Now life is shocking, he doesn’t work and lives off his mother, and that is what he is encouraging her to do. Says school is useless, and getting a job is pointless.
Happy to let her stay up all night and eat shockingly bad food. Lies to her about me. Says her brothers are ‘step brothers’.... it is all so petty and nasty.
I am considering getting a residential order as recently he refused to bring her back.
No help here I’m afraid- but you aren’t alone.x

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/05/2018 19:03

I think that you are giving him far to much credit. Yes. she has been influenced by him, but also by you, your family, his family, her friends, and teachers.

She has (in the end) chosen this route.

Battleax · 20/05/2018 19:06

You spent the bulk of time with her so your parenting would have had the most influence not his.

You might as well say that because mum feeds the kids nutritiously in week days and dad feeds them nothing but sugar on the weekends, their teeth will be fine.

Or that because she keeps them safe all week and he only has a few days to give them heroin and expose them to prostitution, there won’t be an issue.

It doesn’t work like that. Once they’ve been told they’re exempt from the rules, it gets very difficult.

mumtoaboywhosgreat · 20/05/2018 19:07

@BoneyBackJefferson doesn't that amount to the same thing really? A small child can't exactly see a solicitor to facilitate it

dirtybadger · 20/05/2018 19:08

Theres a good chance she will realise herself what the right thing to do it. Lots of people are doing what she is doing at 20. Just be thete when she needs you, and try to encourage her without being pushy or judgmental. She will soon be jealous of her friends managing to move out, etc. And her dad will get tired of subsiding her lifestyle (and the ideal lifestyle of the 20 year old, quite fairly, involves a lot of socialising, etc so he may run out of money!).

MsGameandWatching · 20/05/2018 19:09

This is why you have to give your children an age appropriate version of events of relationship breakdowns and not just keep totally silent on the subject of their other parent even when they're a total arsehole. It's so often advised on here never to criticise the other parent and I do think this can be dangerous. How can they learn balance? Especially in a case like this where it's so much easier and more fun to follow his rules and life philosophy.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/05/2018 19:10

mumtoaboywhosgreat

It doesn't as the courts (theoretically) put the needs of the child first.
Its why courts don't allow overnight stays if the mother is EBF.

NotTerfNorCis · 20/05/2018 19:12

Hm my guess is she'll be looking for a boyfriend to carry on subsidizing her. It's what she's been taught to expect. It might work out okay for her.

Battleax · 20/05/2018 19:12

This is why you have to give your children an age appropriate version of events of relationship breakdowns and not just keep totally silent on the subject of their other parent even when they're a total arsehole. It's so often advised on here never to criticise the other parent and I do think this can be dangerous. How can they learn balance?

Couldn’t agree more with that.

Someone needs to (gently) contextualise chaotic behaviour for children and provide a bit of a moral compass. Otherwise they have no way of orientating themselves in it all.

Highhorse1981 · 20/05/2018 19:14

Cop out

He wasn’t the only parent, was he?

the very fact that you have posted a thread blaming your ex for the baheviour is your 20 is indicative of perhaps your contribution to the situation - passive and floundering around for someone to blame.