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Original poster

Boyfriends ex wife and children

59 replies

Jess201 · 19/05/2018 17:18

Hello

I am afraid I have no point of reference and have no idea what's considered normal in these circumstances.... I was looking for some advice.

Over two years ago I met a man that was 15 years older than me. He had two children from a previous marriage.

He is still not divorced as when he asked his wife for a divorce under the two years separation option, she refused. She told him he would have to wait for the 5 year separation. Ok, fine.

I have still not met the children nor do they know of my existence. This is due to her wishes.
So whenever he has the children (1.5 days a week) he goes to her house and visits them, they have never been to our house.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

Obviously I don't know what they do at the house. He tells me he barely speaks to her and when he does its about the children. I'm guessing it's not normal to have been living with your partner for 2.5 years and the children still do not know of me..

I honestly love him and want to make it work but I have big anxieties over the situation.

OP posts:
MiggeldyHiggins · 19/05/2018 17:19

Its not her, its him. Don't believe a word of what he tells you.

PrettyLovely · 19/05/2018 17:23

Have they ever really split up? Does she know of your existence?

rainingcatsanddog · 19/05/2018 17:23

He doesn't need her consent to divorce.
He's going to her house for contact because he's keeping you secret or an inept Dad who needs his ex to do the childcare.
He's keeping you secret because he doesn't see you as long term or is too weak to have healthy boundaries with his ex.

Whattheactualfuckmate · 19/05/2018 17:23

Well it all seems to be on his terms doesn’t it.

Have you met the wife?? Does she really know about you? I’s this all what he has told you with no proof?

Two years in and he is not wanting to share that part of his life with you is odd. Tbh I think he doesn’t want it to go to the next level with you because if he wanted a divorce he’d apply for one rather than letting his wife dictate how and when.

Why does he have to see them in the family home ? How old are they! How often does he visit ?

Id be really suspicious of this.

missbonita · 19/05/2018 17:24

I would be very very cautious OP. I have heard this tale before and it was not true.

StripyRug · 19/05/2018 17:24

Was he still with his wife when you met him?

Bottom line is, you are nothing to do with his children.

My ex and I separated about 6 years ago. They had little to do with his partner for a couple of years. One is not interested but will be polite the other likes her. I don't mind her being involved so it's not from me.

My parents separated. They respective new partners were never of any interest to us. They were nothing more than our mother's/dad's partner.

What's your reason for wanting the children to be part of your life?

Original poster
Jess201 · 19/05/2018 17:25

Yes, she knows of me. From the texts etc she has sent him over the years, I believe they have split up so to speak. I also got a barrage of texts at one point from her.

OP posts:
Battleax · 19/05/2018 17:26

That’s a ridiculous situation to be in. He needs to get a child arrangements order and live his life. She has no hold so there’s no reason for the creeping around.

If he won’t begave sensibly, then LTB. You’re currently being asked to scuttle around like a mistress.

Original poster
Jess201 · 19/05/2018 17:28

Children are 10 and 12.

It's not that I want to be a massive part of their lives, its more like I don't want to live a lie.

I'd rather he be able to bring them here to spend time with them rather than sitting on his ex wife's sofa so to speak.

I do suffer from anxieties and I'm trying my best to rationalise this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jess201 · 19/05/2018 17:30

He is afraid that if he challenges her on anything , she will turn the children against him ( I can see this in her) he feels guilty for leaving the children and says he doesn't want to hurt them anymore than he has.

OP posts:
ChaseRubbleRocky · 19/05/2018 17:30

I would look into whether there are issues with his ability to look after the DC or historic abuse before having children with him if that's something you're thinking of in the future.

For her to still be supervising contact after so long would be ringing alarm bells for me. If there was no issues why would he not have taken it to court to get proper contact.

Racecardriver · 19/05/2018 17:31

Your boyfriend is hopeless. Get rid.

Battleax · 19/05/2018 17:32

What a load of nonsense. Is she witch doctor? Just get it sort d and live normally and honestly.

Original poster
Jess201 · 19/05/2018 17:33

I think that's down to the guilt of leaving them.

She doesnt supervise contact so to speak, she still goes out etc... Just wants him to visit them at the house.

He is a great father, no issues there.

OP posts:
MiggeldyHiggins · 19/05/2018 17:34

He is afraid that if he challenges her on anything , she will turn the children against him ( I can see this in her) he feels guilty for leaving the children and says he doesn't want to hurt them anymore than he has

Typical whiny ass Disney Dad. "It's all her fault, I can't do anything or she'll turn them against me, I can't go to court she'll put a hex on me...".

Still, always another woman waiting to believe him and blame it all on another woman, hey?

Battleax · 19/05/2018 17:34

He is a great father, no issues there.

Says you. Who has never set eyes on the children. Rightiho. You’re just his idiot mouthpiece really, aren’t you? 😏

Battleax · 19/05/2018 17:35

Still, always another woman waiting to believe him and blame it all on another woman, hey?

Isn’t there just? A bottomless supply of brainless dupes.

Original poster
Jess201 · 19/05/2018 17:37

All I meant is that he is involved with his children, I've seen them speaking on Skype etc so know how loving he is towards them. The cards etc exchanged between him and his children. He takes his son to sports every weekend too.
If she had any issues with the way he was looking after them that would be a different thing altogether.

OP posts:
MissVanjie · 19/05/2018 17:38

How do you know he is a great father? You haven’t even seen his children.

Honestly is it gullible girlfriend day on here? There’s loads of these silly ‘he is a right good dad with a psycho ex’ threads today

Original poster
Jess201 · 19/05/2018 17:39

I'm not blaming the issues on his ex wife. Well, it was her decision for them to not meet me.

I understand this has to come from him too. All I was looking for was if what I feel in my heart, is right or wrong.

OP posts:
Battleax · 19/05/2018 17:39

Whatever you say.

It won’t change, because he won’t get a grip and you’re falling over yourself to believe his nonsense. So you’re stuck with it and both your relationship and the children will be damaged by the dysfunction and deceit.

ChaseRubbleRocky · 19/05/2018 17:39

What do the children want? Even if they want time with just their dad not you (though I don't see how they can decide that without meeting you) then surely theyd prefer going out and doing something with him to sitting in the house?

Has she 'banned' him from having them out alone or can he just not be bothered to take them out so is using it as an excuse?

Original poster
Jess201 · 19/05/2018 17:41

Oh they do go out, cinema, food etc ... I just meant that anytime they are just chilling it would be at the house.

OP posts:
Highhorse1981 · 19/05/2018 17:41

He’s lying

You only need to be separated for 2 years NOT 5

MiggeldyHiggins · 19/05/2018 17:41

I'm not blaming the issues on his ex wife. Well, it was her decision for them to not meet me

No, it was his. She could say no all she likes, all he has to do was say I'm doing it anyway, and he didn't.
It's not about her, its about him. Whats his excuse for not getting a court order?