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Original poster

Boyfriends ex wife and children

59 replies

Jess201 · 19/05/2018 17:18

Hello

I am afraid I have no point of reference and have no idea what's considered normal in these circumstances.... I was looking for some advice.

Over two years ago I met a man that was 15 years older than me. He had two children from a previous marriage.

He is still not divorced as when he asked his wife for a divorce under the two years separation option, she refused. She told him he would have to wait for the 5 year separation. Ok, fine.

I have still not met the children nor do they know of my existence. This is due to her wishes.
So whenever he has the children (1.5 days a week) he goes to her house and visits them, they have never been to our house.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

Obviously I don't know what they do at the house. He tells me he barely speaks to her and when he does its about the children. I'm guessing it's not normal to have been living with your partner for 2.5 years and the children still do not know of me..

I honestly love him and want to make it work but I have big anxieties over the situation.

OP posts:
Battleax · 19/05/2018 17:43

Honestly is it gullible girlfriend day on here? There’s loads of these silly ‘he is a right good dad with a psycho ex’ threads today

IKR?

And ten years down the line they’ll all be flabbergasted to find themselves cast in the “psycho ex” role, while the new girlfriend slags then off all around town.

debrachi · 19/05/2018 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Jess201 · 19/05/2018 17:45

High horse, 2 years separation with permission from both sides..

Miggledyhiggings, he said that if she has refused a divorce that it will all turn bitter and he doesn't want to upset the apple cart in terms of having a nasty divorce with his children involved. His words.

OP posts:
scrumples · 19/05/2018 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Highhorse1981 · 19/05/2018 17:48

Why doesn’t be divorce her in fround of unreasonable behaviour? Doesn’t need her permission then

MiggeldyHiggins · 19/05/2018 17:48

Yeah, shocker. He won't do anything useful or good for his kids because mean old evil ex will do unspecified nefarious things.

What a sap. You find a spineless shit sexy?

Highhorse1981 · 19/05/2018 17:49

The two year separation option is the ONLY grounds that requires both parties to consent

Original poster
Jess201 · 19/05/2018 18:01

Thanks for your help everyone.

Like I said, I have my own issues and having not really been around anyone in this situation personally, it's good to see what is deemed the norm.

OP posts:
ChaseRubbleRocky · 19/05/2018 18:22

If he's taking them out already then all he needs to do is go back to his for the rest of the time he sees them then drop them home. I'd do it without you for the first few weeks until its settled then pop by to meet them then gradually increase it to you being there when you normally are.

swingofthings · 19/05/2018 18:24

He is weak, probably out of guilt. Ultimately, he could go to court, ask for eow visits, and tell his children the truth. Very easy to do and only what 99% of separated fathers do, but not your partner.... why not?

Whatever the reason, he has clearly chosen not to disclose it you.

BlancheM · 19/05/2018 18:25

Why oh why do so many women fall for this shit?

RainySeptember · 19/05/2018 18:26

Were you the ow op? I can't otherwise understand how she has any grounds to object to you meeting the dc.

But do take care. My ex spent years visiting our dc at our family home. It was entirely his choice. He said he wanted his weekly fix of his old life and regularly asked me to have him back. He did take dc out sometimes, but I was always invited, and sometimes went. Occasionally dc would be out with friends, and then he spent time with me - we cooked, chatted, watched tv.

Looking back, it was an unusual set up. I would never have had him back. He resisted divorce for as long as possible but it was done eventually. I doubt he told ow any of this, and he married her eventually - after asking me one last time to have him back!

Please be wary op. Something doesn't ring true. At the very least it's unfinished business.

sprinklesandsauce · 19/05/2018 18:30

My friends husband refused her a divorce until 5 years had passed so it does happen.

You have been together a long time now and he should introduce you to his children. They are presumably now used to the separation and are old enough to deal with it.

You need a serious conversation on where he sees the future going with your relationship, and tell him that you want to meet the DC.

RubySapphireEmerald · 19/05/2018 18:34

He doesn't need her consent to divorce. actually, he does. Non contested divorce can be applied for after two years but without the other party’s consent has to be five years. Similarly unreasonable behaviour can be contested and can end up costing a lot of money in the end.

However, while I do actually think that there are women who would prevent a man from introducing a new partner to his children, I do wonder why any woman would A, move in with a man whose children she has not yet met, and B, be content with him staying at his ex’s at least a couple of days a week as far as you’re aware.

Also, what plans do you have for the future? You realise you can’t possibly have any children of your own with him if his existing children have e.g. never met you for instance? Even if you never actually had anything to do with his children, the very fact that they are unaware even of your existance means that you need to put your own life on hold for the foreseeable future. And if a time did come when he told them about you, what explanation do you think they will be happy with for being told that you have been together and even living together for more than two years while they were unaware you even existed? They’re almost teenagers not babies, two years is far, far too long for them to be kept in the dark over the fact their father is seeing other people.

Original poster
Jess201 · 19/05/2018 18:38

They was separated but not very long after. We had worked together for about 6 months previously.

My boyfriend's mum left him when he was very young, he was raised by his dad and stepmum. All I can think of is that the hurt he looks back on at how he was raised he doesn't want to put on his own children.

I am not for one minute making excuses for him. I'm just relaying what he's said in the past..

In my mind, everyone else gets on with these situations, why can't we..

OP posts:
Original poster
Jess201 · 19/05/2018 18:40

Thank you, Ruby.

No plans to have children. No plans at all.

I agree that they are not babies and if anything I feel it would be harder as time goes on as it won't be long until they are teenagers.

OP posts:
Battleax · 19/05/2018 18:47

You need to believe that you’re worth more than whatever he decides to hand out. Then you’ll start seeing his actions more realistically.

MeMyShelfandIkea · 19/05/2018 18:57

Yes unreasonable behaviour can be contested but it's highly unlikely his exW would be advised to do this because it would cost her in legal fees, not him. Why would the divorce get any less nasty after 5 years when it's forced upon her, compared with now? Because it doesn't sound like time will heal very much at all from the way you describe how she's acting more than two years on. So why delay? he's bullshitting you

MiggeldyHiggins · 19/05/2018 19:03

In my mind, everyone else gets on with these situations, why can't we

because he can't be arsed and its much easier to blame her than to admit that he can't be arsed.

gillybeanz · 19/05/2018 19:04

It sounds like she isn't an ex, your bf is probably lying.
He can divorce her now if he wanted to, it's only 2 years.
She has probably rumbled that he was having an affair, hence the barage of texts.
He'll have told her it was over and they'll have smoothed it over.
So sorry for you Thanks

DelphiniumBlue · 19/05/2018 19:09

No ,divorce on the basis of 2 years separation requires consent.
But if he wanted a divorce, there are other options, like behaviour. Why did they split up?
If he's been living with you for more than 2 years but has taken no steps towards a divorce, that would suggest he's not so serious about your relationship.
Why would you want to be with a man who is married to someone else?

winsomebutlosemost · 19/05/2018 19:12

This sounds a lot like he wants a double life, where he plays happy families with the ex and the kids in his family home and then goes home to bunk up withe the mistress :(

I really feel for you, but it sounds awful! Sounds awful for everyone actually, the ex, the kids...everyone except him.

I think if his kids came first, and he didn't feel it was right to introduce a new partner to them then he was wrong to move in with someone. He could easily have taken his own flat or house and made bedrooms for his kids so they felt included and adapted to the parents separation. It must be awful for kids that age to have a Dad who's moved out to a place they've never seen.

I think you should tell him you're going to move out if he wants to spend a day every week at his exes house. There's no need for him to do that.

Just as a note here with men: it's very easy for the weak ones to tug at our heart strings. They've been hurt in the past! Their ex is a mess! They're protecting their children! They have a habit of making themselves out to be victims.

Strong people think about others, make wise and well thought out decisions that take everyone's well being into consideration and they do what's right and just even if it means a bit of difficulty or a lot of difficulty.

He's left his ex wife and set up home with someone else. They need to tell their children and he needs to invite his children into his home.

seventh · 19/05/2018 20:51

@Jess201

Even if everything he says is true and he is an honourable and good man in all of this, the way he is treating you is not respectful imo

Petalflowers · 19/05/2018 21:02

I was expecting you to have said that you had been with your boyfriend for a few months, not a couple,of years! And also you are now living together and have been for a while!

I would want to know when he intends to tell,them about you, and then when you can meet them. Surely you won’t be a secret for ever.

I agree with Seventh above, the way he is treating you is disrespectful.

matchingpjs · 20/05/2018 10:15

My son met my ex's new partner once, my daughter never in the ten years they were together. DS visited their home only once, DD never. Ex visited the children at our home twice a week ( he'd moved 100 miles away by then) sometimes taking them out, other times just mooching about with them at our home
We also didn't get divorced for 12 years! ( By then he had another woman) Christmas's and Birthday's were spent at my house with the four of us. I had other bf's but kept them separate, my thinking was that ex and I were still parents together and we didn't choose to complicate this with new partners. It worked absolutely fine for us
I know it all sounds odd from your point of view but it really may be as simple as your partner putting his children needs before his own. The most comfortable place for children is usually in their own environment. My children had absolutely no interest in having any sort of a relationship with their father's latest gf, he didn't actually suggest it either

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