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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

A question about the OW

66 replies

Anothernewnn · 18/05/2018 11:15

I promise this isn’t about me.

A man I know very well has shocked everyone who knows him by confessing to a seven year affair. I am good friends with his DW but also friends with him too and can sort of understand how this has happened. Much as I love his DW as a personal friend, I know well how she can be cold to him and treat him with contempt at times. I believe deep down that she never truly loved him but wanted a family. I think he did love her but became unhappy and hurt by her constant rejection of him.

They have 2 children together and the youngest is just entering into adolescence. So he has had an OW since the DC’s were primary school age.

They have decided to stay together for the sake of the DC but obviously have a lot of work to do getting things back together.

However, the OW is furious and devastated. Hell hath no fury is an understatement to how she is behaving. I think it is true that they loved each other very much and were it not for the children, he would have ended the marriage. His DW has always been clear that if he leaves, she will do everything she can to make things as difficult as possible for him to have access to the children.

So here’s my question. Does the OW have the justification to be so hurt given that she knowingly and willingly entered into an intimate relationship with a married man? And what should she have done having fallen deeply in love with a married man in the first place?

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 18/05/2018 11:24

You don't fall in love with someone without having some kind of relationship to start off with. She pursued a relationship with a married man and fell in love with him. She has a right to be pissed off with him as he kept her on the side for 7 years, and pissed off with herself for letting it happen. You don't know what kind of promises he was making to her.

No idea why he's staying with his wife. I don't think it will benefit the children, and she can't stop him from seeing them if they split.

Original poster

Anothernewnn · 18/05/2018 11:29

I agree with you @Doyoumind. I think there’s some sort of misguided idea that staying together for the sake of the children is better for the family. Also, his DW is, I think, just knee-jerking to the betrayal she is feeling but I don’t for a minute that she actually would stop him from having a relationship with the DCs. She is a good person and parent, they both are.

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/05/2018 11:32

Agree it's really confusing about him staying with his wife... who treats him coldly and without love. That's hardly likely to change now that she knows about the affair!? Poor kids. They would be better off if the parents spilt.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 18/05/2018 11:33

7 years ouch!

There is no way on this earth your friend will get over this betrayal. How long ago did she find out?

Is this guy rich? Do they have a fabulous lifestyle?

The OW well she took a chance! Seven years is a long time. They clearly love each other. I’d be surprised if they were not back on within the next few months

SendintheArdwolves · 18/05/2018 11:35

Why does he have to stop seeing the ow? If he and his wife have acknowledged that theirs is now a co parenting relationship only, then surely they now have the groundwork for an honest open relationship?

You say that she really only wanted him for a family, he and the ow are deeply in love, etc. So what are they "working on" as a couple? It seems like doomed effort if their plan is for the DH and DW to fall in love, espec if that love was never really there.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/05/2018 11:35

Well his DW isn't coming out well here.
So she is horrible to him.
Rejects him for years.
But is OK with him cheating on her for 7 years.
And then if he doesn't stay is using the DC as pawns in another game of hers.
Your friend sounds vile!!!!

The DH should leave her. He should have done it years ago.
To lie and cheat on his whole family for such a long time is shocking.
Your friend should have more self-respect and tell him to fuck off.
But allow him proper access to HIS OWN kids.
I hate women that use the DC as a punishment to the father.
The only punishment is on the DC.

Of course the OW has every right to feel upset.
I'm sure he's been promising her he will leave is DW for years now.
And then this happens.

Everyone is this scenario is just fucking awful.

Racecardriver · 18/05/2018 11:36

Of course not. She entered the relationship knowing that he didn't love her or respect her, he skylark have left his wife first of he did. She was stupid to eclectic anything else.

Original poster

Anothernewnn · 18/05/2018 11:38

She found out about six weeks ago. Thing is, what I am also curious about, she has not even considered divorce. She was brought up a strict Catholic and I think this is playing a big part in her decision making.

I wouldn’t say he is hugely wealthy but he is relatively successful and comfortable. The OW is quite poor I think. She works PT and it’s come out that she has relied on him financially for several years.

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Original poster

Anothernewnn · 18/05/2018 11:41

@hellsbelssmelons

She isn’t vile. She’s a complicated human being with great qualities and weaknesses, just like everyone.

OP posts:

HoHoHoHo · 18/05/2018 11:47

I'm not sure what you mean by justified in feeling hurt. Surely anyone would be hurt if they felt they'd be led on then lied to and let down by someone they were in love with no matter what the circumstances are.

Original poster

Anothernewnn · 18/05/2018 11:51

Well this is the strange thing @HoHoHoHo
Apparently he never did promise her that he’d leave his family for her. Even she admits that. It seems she assumed he would because they loved each other so much.

They didn’t even see each other that often. But would go on city breaks together whenever he needed to go on a conference. So probably every other month or so.

It’s all quite odd TBH.

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FoxySamanthaPetersonTheCat · 18/05/2018 12:08

how well do you actually know these people? The wife is “very nice” but also cold towards her husband and never truly loved him which lead to him cheating on for 7 years. The husband suffers from having a wife who treats him badly, presumably had deep feelings for his OW but has dropped her like a cup of cold sick to stay with his cold unloving wife “for the sake of the children”.

The husband is a bastard. Yes a poor relationship can lead to cheating (still wrong) but for 7 years? That’s a lot of lying, risking the wife’s sexual health, and risking his family’s happiness so he could get a shag. I don’t have much if any sympathy for OW but he’s also strung her along for 7 years on top of everything else. No excuse for any of it.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 18/05/2018 12:27

OW took a chance on a weak and selfish man and - surprise! - he turned out to be weak and selfish.
She should never have been in a position to fall "deeply in love" with a married man, so no, I don't think her complaints are justified. And it sounds like she did quite well out of it if he's been supporting her financially (what could he have done for his family with that money?). Perhaps she's just pissed off her meal ticket has gone.

category12 · 18/05/2018 12:30

The ow is you, right?

Melliegrantfirstlady · 18/05/2018 12:30

If he can support two women and a few kids then I can see what the attraction is!

If his wife doesn’t like him anyway then maybe she doesn’t mind that he was cheating

Angelf1sh · 18/05/2018 12:33

She has a right to her feelings, like anyone else.

Original poster

Anothernewnn · 18/05/2018 12:33

The ow is you, right?

100% no!

I have known this family for years, she is a childhood friend and they got married very young.

Because of my closeness with them both, my opinion of the OW is very poor. I think she has behaved very badly but I think it was the age old story that he was denied a physical relationship with his wife (for years) and had his head turned by a beautiful (on the outside) woman.

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TheDrinksAreOnMe · 18/05/2018 12:36

Does the OW have the justification to be so hurt given that she knowingly and willingly entered into an intimate relationship with a married man?

Like...no. She went into this knowing he had a wife and kids.

He demonized his wife. probably still does, and the OW will be WELL on board with that.

She isn’t vile. She’s a complicated human being with great qualities and weaknesses, just like everyone

Oh come on - children were involved. That's vile. Knowing he was sleeping with at least two women and she had no issues with that? Boke. She played a part in a hope that he would break up this family for her.

Bottom line - if his marriage was so bad , he could have left. But the pair of them decided to stab the DW in the back.

Your only insight into their marriage is a pure assumption. You have no idea about the things that's gone on between them that could have left the DW feeling so cold. At the end of the day, he broke his vows, says a lot about him!

FizzyGreenWater · 18/05/2018 12:38

And what should she have done having fallen deeply in love with a married man in the first place?

She didn't though. No one does. The start of every affair (and relstionship) is someone seeing someone and fancying them. Feeling a spark. Getting to know them and liking them.

If you're doing that with someone who is married, you are doing wrong and you know it.

You walk away.

Don't paint it as a fated, 'fell deeply in love = couldn't help it' kind of thing. It just isn't. That comes later... after you've made the decision to pursue someone who is married.

Her own stupid fault.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/05/2018 12:38

We are all complicated but most wouldn't use their kids as a weapon.
That is just a vile thing to threaten.
I stand by that. Sorry but it's just not OK!

TheDrinksAreOnMe · 18/05/2018 12:38

*She isn’t vile. She’s a complicated human being with great qualities and weaknesses, just like everyone

I realise thats not about the OW now, but all the same.
The DW is certainly note vile either, shes the victim. Like I say, if she was so bad he could have left. Instead he dices with her sexual health and she did not consent to that!

Dozer · 18/05/2018 12:39

I think you are judging your female friend and OW far more harshly than your male friend, who is the primary person at fault here IMO. If he was unhappy with the relationship and wished to date others, the decent thing to do would have been to end it.

Also very cowardly to tell people he is staying with his wife because he fears she would withhold access to the DC. The DC will presumably be angry with him too when they find out.

OW has every right to be furious with him, but was foolish to think he was reliable given that he was married! She isn’t anyone’s problem, if the H has gone no contact.

You don’t have the full facts about your friends’ relationship.

Original poster

Anothernewnn · 18/05/2018 12:39

She isn’t vile. She’s a complicated human being with great qualities and weaknesses, just like everyone

That was in response to Hellsbellsmelons post saying that the DW sounded vile. I wasn’t talking about the OW here.

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 18/05/2018 12:40

I m a die hard romantic, and I believe that it’s always a choice to fall in love.

So no , I don’t see how she can feel justified.

Original poster

Anothernewnn · 18/05/2018 12:40

No no, I agree with you @Dozer. I think he has been very weak and not behaved honourably to either women. But my question was about the OW which is why I’ve been focussing on that.

OP posts:

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