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Original poster

A question about the OW

66 replies

Anothernewnn · 18/05/2018 11:15

I promise this isn’t about me.

A man I know very well has shocked everyone who knows him by confessing to a seven year affair. I am good friends with his DW but also friends with him too and can sort of understand how this has happened. Much as I love his DW as a personal friend, I know well how she can be cold to him and treat him with contempt at times. I believe deep down that she never truly loved him but wanted a family. I think he did love her but became unhappy and hurt by her constant rejection of him.

They have 2 children together and the youngest is just entering into adolescence. So he has had an OW since the DC’s were primary school age.

They have decided to stay together for the sake of the DC but obviously have a lot of work to do getting things back together.

However, the OW is furious and devastated. Hell hath no fury is an understatement to how she is behaving. I think it is true that they loved each other very much and were it not for the children, he would have ended the marriage. His DW has always been clear that if he leaves, she will do everything she can to make things as difficult as possible for him to have access to the children.

So here’s my question. Does the OW have the justification to be so hurt given that she knowingly and willingly entered into an intimate relationship with a married man? And what should she have done having fallen deeply in love with a married man in the first place?

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 18/05/2018 12:41

Someone I know (not a friend or anything) has been having an affair for about 12 years. She and the OM were both married. She has been divorced for about 10 years now (due to affair). OM is still married....still ongoing. Everyone knows what's going on. Both sets of kids (all adults now), wife, etc. It's not a secret. There's plenty of animosity (wife put the person I know in hospital a few years ago).

I feel sorry for the wife and the person I know. Although it's probably more pity than sympathy given both of their actions. They both get half a relationship, and he gets...perhaps not two, but two halfs?

I would be pretty surprised if the bloke you know doesn't go back to the OW. Why wouldn't he? Your friend has basically said it doesn't matter. Knock it on the head for a few months, then go back and be a little bit more careful next time. If the OW will have him back, anyway.

Yes OW is entitled to feel angry at him, etc. She didn't do a good thing, but she was in a relationship with someone for 7 years and they broke it off. I think anyone in those circumstances has a right to be upset/angry, whatever. But you do lose most peoples sympathy when you knowingly go into a relationship with little chance of a positive outcome. She was kidding herself after 7 years he would just leave his wife. It might take a year or two. 7? Nah.

mrssapphirebright · 18/05/2018 12:50

No one has to justify feeling hurt. if someone has lied, betrayed or let you you done then it will hurt. I suspect the OW feels pretty hurt and let down and used. No, she shouldn't have got involved with a married man - but when the shit hits the fan then yes, she is entitled to feel loss and pain.

I agree with pp that no on in this scenario is being held in a good light. Least of all the man. Who keeps two women on the go for 7 years? thats pretty selfish. he seems like a coward who needs to leave his wife who clearly doesn't love him.

yikesanotherbooboo · 18/05/2018 12:51

OW will feel let down and sad but she knew that she was having a relationship with a married man , with children, who was lying to his wife and family. Seven years in she must also have realised that he was never going to leave for her. I don't fully buy the staying for the children/ unreasonable wife story; I don't think he really wanted to change the status quo. He likes his family life.Obvs he is weak and self centred. OW should have realised all of this years ago.i am sure she feels awful but she did 'know the score' even if that realisation was buried beneath lovely romantic city breaks and one to one attention.btw I am sure the wife and mother of mm's children would have enjoyed that type of attention .

beachysandy81 · 18/05/2018 13:04

He sounds very weak, if he wasn't happy with his wife he should have either tried to make it work or left. Having an affair for 7 years is not the answer. Find it hard to believe they are staying together after all that.

I often wonder if some wives (or vice versa) stay with the husband to stop them setting up home with the OW. Then will dump him when it suits her and when OW is long gone.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 18/05/2018 13:08

So he basically paid her to shag him on business trips?

Original poster
Anothernewnn · 18/05/2018 13:17

I wonder that too @beachsandy82. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s just holding onto the marriage for exactly that reason. But then, if he really wanted to set up a home with the OW, now would be the time to do it.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 18/05/2018 13:18

I doubt his wife is that horrible or he would surely have left , he is just a classic cake eater

Original poster
Anothernewnn · 18/05/2018 13:22

His wife isn’t horrible at all. She’s very devoted to the children and just got married before she found the right man to start a family with. They married very young, after she accidentally fell pregnant.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 18/05/2018 13:25

His wife can't stop his kids from seeing him. They are old enough to decide for themselves and the court will intervene. I don't think he wants to be with OW. Presumably after 7 years the other woman may have lost some of her shine and may be a bit of a burden to him.

His wife may have sensed something not right for a long time which is why she was cold to him.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 18/05/2018 13:28

Perhaps she would take him to the cleaners financially so he stays.......

ScattyCharly · 18/05/2018 13:31

Well the OW has got what she deserved really. She knowingly got into the middle of someone’s marriage, even when there were kids involved.

I mean, it’s a bit rich of the OW to be upset over her relationship with a MM (who she clearly believes was deceiving her into thinking they had a future whilst) when she herself was an active participant in deceiving the wife.

The OW conducted her life in a cess pit and she’s ended up in the shit.

Original poster
Anothernewnn · 18/05/2018 13:32

Presumably after 7 years the other woman may have lost some of her shine and may be a bit of a burden to him.

I really don’t think this is the case. I think he genuinely does believe that they are in love.

FWIW his wife rejected him for years before he embarked on an affair.

You might be into something there @Melliegrantfirstlady.

OP posts:
theplanetjanet · 18/05/2018 13:32

He's a pathetic dick, the wife is a doormat and the OW a fool.

I've know a women who was a friend of a friend who had a 10 year plus affair with her boss through from the age of 29 to 40ish, is now 45 childless and the man still with his wife, she is pathetically still waiting in the wings, bitter and brittle and IMO a total fucking idiot. We all make choices - that was hers, to throw away some of the best years of her life on a man who just wanted to have his cake and eat it!

But no, the affair, or any affair is not the responsibility of the OW, that's down to the grubby loser who can't keep his dick in his pants. BUT it was the OW's choice so she deals with the consequences and needs to suck it up, no right at all to be stroppy about it if she knew he was married and carried on regardless. Also if the wife makes the monumentally stupid decision to stay with the lying cheat then she is just laying down and asking him to carry on walking all over her. No-one comes out well in this scenario!

tootiredtospeak · 18/05/2018 13:39

I just dont get how you know what the OW thinks so clearly have you spoken directly to her so is she a freind too. How do you know he never told her he would leave and that she relied on him financially ect. If you havent spoken to her and what you do know is relayed back from him or DW. I am not sure it will be exactly as described

Original poster
Anothernewnn · 18/05/2018 13:54

That is true @tootiredtospeak, I am only going by what my friend is saying but she’s very honest and I can’t see why she would lie about it.
I’ve never met the OW, she is not part of our social circle. How my friend knows that he didn’t make any long term promises is that OW stormed round their home demanding to talk to his wife. And my friend took the opportunity to ask her all the questions she needed to know about the affair. There’s no way the OW could lie with him there. It’s all a big mess.

OP posts:
Newerversion · 18/05/2018 14:14

OW had an affair with a married man, if she is hurt then she signed up for that pain willingly.
In my opinion the dh is the villain here- he cheated for 7 years rather than face facts and leave his wife if he wasn’t happy and fulfilled.

Skiingkangaroo1 · 18/05/2018 14:21

The whole situation is awful.

The DW sounds unpleasant, unloving and controlling.

The DH sounds weak and a cheat who should have divorced his wife years ago.

The OW was foolish but I feel sorry for her, it sounds like she may have been vulnerable and was likely given a lot of false promises which have led to heartache.

The best situation would be divorce and for the husband and OW to decide whether they want to be together or part company. The marriage sounds awful.

SendintheArdwolves · 18/05/2018 15:14

You seem very invested in excusing the man in all this - his wife was unloving, the other woman pursued him, he never actually made any promises, etc.

Aww...poor sad menz...surrounded by all these women exploiting him for money/sperm.

Surely he's the one whose behaved the worst, op? Why this rush to minimise /share blame /criticise the women in it?

Original poster
Anothernewnn · 18/05/2018 15:17

Not at all @SendintgrArdwolves

As I’ve said in one of my previous posts, think he behaved very badly. But that is not what this thread is about which is why I’m not going on about it.

OP posts:
SendintheArdwolves · 18/05/2018 15:26

You say that you consider him at fault. But from the way you've explained the situation, it's obvious that you feel he is somehow at least partly justified in going outside the marriage.

Even your original question "is the OW justified in feeling upset" is, in a way excusing him from hurting her - if she has "no right" to be upset, then he hadn't done anything wrong to her just to his wife.

Her behaviour demonstrates very clearly that she is upset. So debating whether or not she is "justified" seems a bit pointless.

rainingcatsanddog · 18/05/2018 15:51

The OW is angry and embarrassed. She has every right to be pissed off with her affair partner. 7 years! And he left her for a person that he's been slagging off. She has no right to be mad at the wife though.

The husband is a dickhead and weak. He should have left or sorted out an open relationship with his wife.

The wife is the victim here. She deserved a heads up before he had the affair and has every right to be pissed off.

SuperSuperSuper · 18/05/2018 15:55

None of the adults is coming out of this story very well. The OW needs to attempt to forget about him, and rebuild her life. I don't hold out much hope for the marriage's survival though, and suspect that it would be better for all concerned if it ended now. All three sound so miserable with the status quo.

It would be difficult to keep adolescent children from their dad. It's easy to use toddlers as pawns. Teens, not so much. Wife is playing a dangerous game, she must be hoping he doesn't calll her bluff.

cloudtree · 18/05/2018 16:09

I think there are a lot of people who see things in black and white. Things rarely are.

Of course the OW will be hurt. She's probably devastated, particularly after such a long relationship. But I suspect they'll be back together eventually.

I was the OW many many years ago (I was 24). It was an extremely stressful emotional rollercoaster and I didn't even really think about the wife (no children involved). I just thought about the fact that I was desperately in love with this person.

HotFlushesMoi · 18/05/2018 16:13

Here's my question OP...what's it to do with you?

PrimalLady · 18/05/2018 16:13

No the only person who has justification for being hurt here is the wife.

Regardless of what led to the affair. And I do understand what you're saying.

With hindsight, I wouldnt have blamed by ex for cheating at times. It would still have devastated me in an unjustifiable way at the time and done it irreparable damage to my trust in people and my emotional health. There is no excuse not to immediately address the situation if you find yourself attracted to another never mind letting it get as far as an affair.

And 7 years is a long time to be lied to. Fucking hell that poor poor woman. Please make her as happy as you possibly can at this time I cannot even imagine this.