A question about the OW

[Anothernewnn]

I promise this isn’t about me.

A man I know very well has shocked everyone who knows him by confessing to a seven year affair. I am good friends with his DW but also friends with him too and can sort of understand how this has happened. Much as I love his DW as a personal friend, I know well how she can be cold to him and treat him with contempt at times. I believe deep down that she never truly loved him but wanted a family. I think he did love her but became unhappy and hurt by her constant rejection of him.

They have 2 children together and the youngest is just entering into adolescence. So he has had an OW since the DC’s were primary school age.

They have decided to stay together for the sake of the DC but obviously have a lot of work to do getting things back together.

However, the OW is furious and devastated. Hell hath no fury is an understatement to how she is behaving. I think it is true that they loved each other very much and were it not for the children, he would have ended the marriage. His DW has always been clear that if he leaves, she will do everything she can to make things as difficult as possible for him to have access to the children.

So here’s my question. Does the OW have the justification to be so hurt given that she knowingly and willingly entered into an intimate relationship with a married man? And what should she have done having fallen deeply in love with a married man in the first place?

No sympathy for ow, not a jot.

Your friend’s husband sounds like a cretin tbh - having a long term affair with no intention of leaving his wife and dcs.

Your friend sounds like a bit of a cold fish and emotionally abusive to me.

Poor kids to be caught up in their mess.

He sounds like a useless coward ... Shame they don't both kick him to the curb !

Are you as rude IRL as you have come across here?

This is MN, a place for discussion and exchange of thoughts about all sorts of things. I’ve posted this in relationships because it’s the appropriate topic.

Sorry, that post was to HotFlushesMoi

Whether it is justified or not OW is hurt and no one can tell her she isn’t allowed to be. That’s not how feelings work
I say this from personal experience.

So don’t think about whether someone OUGHT to feel anything or is allowed: they just do.

I'm surprised so much credence is being attached to his description of his marriage, given that we know he is capable of lying in a very major and convincing way for 7 years.

He says his wife has rejected him for years and he's only staying because of dc? Must be true then, no way he'd lie to ow, he only lies to his wife.

Don't make me laugh. He fancied sex with someone else, pursued it, fell in love and then hoped to hang on to both of them. When push came to shove, ow wasn't worth giving up his whole life for.

I don't blame her for being angry but come on, that familiar story always ends the same way and she's thick as a plank to think she was special.

I don't believe for a second that he is staying for the children, not when the youngest is a teenager and so all could just make their own decision to see their dad if they wanted to.

So it's either that he is scared that they will want nothing to do with him if they found out (and wife and he agreed to keep it quiet), or the DW is too scared to lose the financial security so managed to convince him that they would make it work and he is naive enough to believe it, or things were not so good with the OH as she was led to believe.

The OW is bound to be hurt because she's bound to have been given many promises and she held on to the relationship on the belief of the promises. It doesn't make her a good person, it doesn't make her a victim, but she does have a right to be hurt and upset.

Ouch 7 years for both the ow and the dw.

The dh is a complete mole the shot bag, he should have finished the marrige well before carrying on with ow regardless of how his wife acts.

As for the ow, she’s been more than happy to have a relationship with a MM, yes of course she’ll be devastated, but she’ll get little sympathy ,

I don't really think that logically the OW has a right to be upset ... but it would be a surprise if she wasn't upset.

If you have an affair with a man who lives a double life and happily cheats on his wife for 7 years.... you can't (if you're logical) be suprised.

He's shown you he is the master of deception and the in the role of OW you were his accomplice.

What a waste of 7 years. His life ticked along just fine, while the OW remained a dirty little secret.

It is kinda funny how people feel entitled though. I was reading another forum, where this married man having an affair was angry and felt betrayed when the OW (who was engaged during the affair) got married a week after telling him she loved him.

He had the cheek to say she'd shown her true colours.
[SMH]

This is MN, a place for discussion and exchange of thoughts about all sorts of things. I’ve posted this in relationships because it’s the appropriate topic.

Of course it is. Its best to ignore those kind of posts.

Did the DW tell you they haven't had sex for years and that it was her choice? Is she taking him back because she feels that justified his affair? Does she want a sex life with him now? Has he ended things with the OW, and why? The children are old enough to choose for themselves whether they see him so I doubt that's the reason he's staying. All very odd.

Someone who lied about a bit on the side for 7 years is not going to be honest when asked why he cheated on his wife. My guess is he’s staying with the wife because the OW has lost her appeal in some way.

Emotions are ALWAYS “justified”. They’re NEVER right or wrong - they just are. A lot of the problems in interpersonal relationships come from one person believing the other isn’t justified having some emotion or other.

It’s how you express and deal with your feelings that’s important.

So of course the OW has a right to be hurt. She’s a complicated human being too.

7 years isn’t a fling, it’s a full on relationship, you have no idea what promises he made to the OW or what lies he told her about his relationship with his wife. She’s grieving, probably for the life she thought she was going to have and that he would choose her and for the 7 years she wasted waiting for him to make a commitment to her.

Sorry but if I was the wife I would be calling time on this marriage. I feel sorry for the kids. What I don’t understand is what any of it has got to do with you and what business is it of yours., unless of course you’re the OW.

I was cold to my ex - because he was a cheating bastard that lied to me for years. My coldness towards him a result of his character flaws.

You've no idea why his wife treated him coldly. I imagine 'Mr Perfect' wasn't so perfect.

I think the OW has only herself to blame. She chose to mess with a married man.

What a mess! Those kids will grow up with a really warped view of relationships, having two cold and heartless parents that don't give a stuff about the other. There is no way that a relationship that was already cold can overcome a seven year affair. It all just seems so silly and pointless. Time to move forward, not back.

I think the OW is allowed to feel hurt and upset, even if she was stupid for getting involved at all. He has just swanned back to his old life and it seems as though he's got away with it all. In reality I'm sure he hasn't.