Is this a fair arrangement?

[evergreen7]

Not sure if this is the right topic but I wasn't sure where it would fit.

I'm currently on Mat leave with DC2 due to go back after the summer hols. My job is/was PT and only to help our finances - definitely not a career. DC1 will get free nursery hours in September and will be doing 4 full days so I will only be looking after DC2.
Me and DP discussed our situation and we both agree we'd rather me not go back to my pervious job as due to the hours and travel we barely saw each other and the income wasn't great.
DP is self employed and has a very high earning potential which I could potentially boost by doing his admin and other office related tasks which hold him back from spending more time with his clients which is key to increasing his income. He thinks that if I was able to take over that area it would mean he generates enough income to be able to pay me out a good wage for about 15hrs work a week (basically I'd be getting more than at my current job for less hours).
But I would have to be able to manage myself so that I can look after DC2, the house and do 15hrs work from the home office Mon-Fri.

I think it makes sense for us especially as it would mean we will be able to save a house deposit quicker, it will cut out any commuting for me and we will boost our income in general.
Here's what I'm concerned about:

• working with/for DP and wether it will impact our relationship
• if the hours expected of me and the overall workload is doable
• if it's a fair arrangement for both of us

To break it down

• I will be expected to do 15 hours of work a week from home whilst being able to look after DC2, cook, clean and do all house related tasks Mon-Fri including his ironing (one thing he is GENUINELY crap at)
• DP will be working FT usually 7-5.30 Mon - Fri and help with baths/bedtimes etc once he's home (like he does now)
• at weekends DP usually does most of the cooking or sometimes we go out for lunch or dinner. One of us usually looks after DCs whilst the other tackles the dishes etc and that would carry on as normal.

DP will still be main earner and will be paying me a wage. Out of that I pay my outgoings such as car insurance, mobile etc Gas and Electric, Internet and majority of groceries and presents for families. DP pays mortgage, council tax, water bills and other outgoings and also pays into savings for both of us and DCs saving accounts, there's also a few loans he will be paying off.

So does it sound like a fair arrangement for both of us?

Is there any potential downfalls or issues we've not considered?

Any insight would be appreciated.

Truthfully it all sounds like a business arrangement with goals that you need to achieve rather than a growing and loving relationship

The week could be thrown by any number of things could he step in at all at the weekend

I think you will struggle to fit in15 hours work while looking after a baby plus all the other stuff.

As I mentioned above @Quartz2208 he is there at the weekends as am I and we usually pick up the slack together.
And there isn't another job where I would be able to earn a wage like this for the hours I mentioned as I'm not qualified in anything.

I think if yo are essentially in business together paying all bills etc from a joint account would be simpler Perhaps with a separate small amount for fun spends
Is the work you are expected to do in your line of work
I think 2 hours a day is doable ,probably broken into small chunks
I do about 4 hours admin on Saturday and Sunday mornings when everyone is still asleep
I suggest you give it a try and see
Review in 3months ?

Would it not make more sense to have both your wages going into the same family/joint account, and have all bills coming out of that?

Also, why does he not help out with any house-related tasks Mon-Fri? It's not like you're sitting around twiddling your thumbs with 2 kids to look after. Even with DC1 at nursery, she'll still need looking after in the mornings and after 3pm etc.

Plus, depending on how far away the nursery is, if you include drop-offs and pick-ups, you will only actually have a few hours where it's 'just' you and DC2..? Just a few thoughts, sounds like you're approaching it all in a sensible way though.

OP - no - it’s not a fair arrangement - because you are making all sorts of sacrifices in your career - to raise the children and help him build the business - and you are totally unprotected.
If anything goes wrong in your relationship in the future - you’ll get none of the benefits.
He’ll have his potentially high earning business, and whatever else. And you’ll have nothing.

So - no reason why you shouldn’t focus on your career just as well - and share the childcare equally.
Or - think about an arrangement that actually gives you an equal stake in this all.

I'm not surewhy your salary will be separate from the family money. Yours and his. Why not put it all in a pot?

If he's working 45 hours and you're working 15, why is ALL the housework yours?

I suspect he won't take your workload seriously because a. you'll be at home b. you "only" working for him

You need to work on this plan a bit I think

To clear up a few points.

The nursery is about 2 minutes away by car so drop offs/pick ups aren't bad. Plus one day a week DC1 will get picked up by DGPS and will spend some time with them until DP picks them up on his way back. So it gives me from 9am until about 6pm.
DP doesn't do much housework in the week as by the time he gets home there's not much to do, we usually both do baths and bedtimes, I settle DC2 (EBF) and he reads to DC1 and puts them to bed and then we eat around 7.30pm and spend some time together watching tv or whatever. He usually gets his lunch prepped for next day etc.
He's up before me and usually makes breakfast and eats together with DC1 before he sets off for work and I then come down with baby and take over.

you are making all sorts of sacrifices in your career - to raise the children and help him build the business - and you are totally unprotected.
If anything goes wrong in your relationship in the future - you’ll get none of the benefits.
He’ll have his potentially high earning business, and whatever else. And you’ll have nothing

Couldn't have put it better myself.

If you split up you'll only get child support.

If you split up...You could be without income.

I assume you won't be gettimg a contract of employment?

You won't be getting any leave or other benefits?

No N.I contributions meaning nothing goes into your pension pot.

This is why many women have a tiny pension.

Essentially...You are financially dependant on him and that can place you in a vulnerable position.

As a parent within a couple...my take is that you continue working if you're not married or get the protection that comes with marriage.

And the slack of taking over when you need to make the hours - at the moment it seems as if he is your boss with the way that you present it. Be partners in the business and at home

Your plans sound just fine but to protect yourself from a future you probably can’t envisage, get married.

Or he could do the admin after the children are in bed to allow you still be at home but not put pressure on you? Unless you would rather go back to work in that case do that!!

And he needs to be taking on more the bills anyway as That's no where near a fair split.

I would agree you should get married. I struggle to do all the housework and look after DS who is 1 every day, never mind trying to fit in 15 hours work too. When he naps I do cleaning up etc.

I don't understand how you are going to do 3 hours per day with a baby at home. Are you going to work when the kids are in bed? Or get up at 4am? I am assuming the baby doesn't nap that much any more at nearly 1?

I know I might be able to do a few simple things while my kids play, but not 3 hours of solid work, nowhere near. I think you are going to be working every waking hour to meet your end of that arrangement.

If you were married then I think it might just about be ok. However, you're not, so you'd be in an increadibly precarious position.

I would:

• get married (easier said than done I know)
• insist on a proper contract of employment
• insist on NI contributions so you can claim a state pension THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT!!!!!
• have one account where all the money goes in, that way if you split he can't claim that only he was paying the mortgage
• stop ironing his clothes, no one irons, it's pointless. Hang his shirts on a coat hanger to dry instead. Or better yet, HE can hang them out to dry

If all the above were undertaken, then it might be ok...

Not at all fair. You should also be part of the business and finances should be in a pot. He's able to concentrate on work because you're looking after him, his home and his kids.

Working 15 hours is fine as long as someone looks after your young children! Mixing both whilst so young will be incredibly difficult and may lead to errors. Or you do it when he gets home. So you look after the children during the day, then he comes home, does his ironing, lunches, both your evening meals and you do the admin. Then it would be fair!!

If you were married, I'd probably say yes.
But you are not so this leaves you very vulnerable.
I would agree to it if he agrees to draw up proper paperwork giving you a share of the business. You will be helping to build it up after all.
And I'd want a proper contact with pension and NI contributions etc...
Which is the only legal way to do it anyway.
Your bill split seems a bet odd?
Unless the mortgage is really big.
Who's debts is he paying off?

He has all the power in this arrangement you need to get married and protect yourself

I was in this position 20 years ago.

In hindsight I'd say the following;

If you are going to do this, do it as a business partner. Then you have a little security and status.
You can be paid properly and have a NI contribution. If you stay within your tax threshold you'll not pay tax either.

Get a copy of the paperwork that confirms you are a business partner.

Bear in mind that if in the future your relationship breaks down, you'll walk away with the skills you have worked on and nothing else. Your job is unlikely to continue.

Book courses related to whatever you are doing and keep up to date.

It worked well for me when my children were babies, I fitted my time in around them sleeping + evenings. Not as easy as being a SAHM but the next best thing. I could do the school runs and be the Mum I wanted to be for my children.

It's a good option as long as you go into it with open eyes.

It seems to me that what he is bringing to the table is seen as valuable, he's the higher earner with the skills but your contribution, the fact that you are doing the 'wife work', isn't being given much value at all.

As has been said, he is only able to invest so much time and effort on building his skill set because you are putting in the time and effort to care for his children.
So he is investing in him and you are also investing in him
What's in it for you?

OP - most women don’t start off by expecting their relationships to fail.
And some are lucky, others aren’t as much.
I am sure you read our comments and think - we are different. My DP would never....
And if anything were to happen - he’ll be a decent human...
And kids and I would be Ok.

There is only one way to ensure that - is by being smart.
Is there a reason you aren’t a partner in the business - as a min?
Do you co-own the property?

Promity to nursery and all that is important as a short term.
Start with the long term first.

You need to get married before you put yourself in an even more precarious position.

Thankyou for all the replies, it's food for thought.

I'm glad I'm posting about this now as we are only in the process of discussing things, as mentioned before the work wouldn't start until September or so. I think we need to sit down and discuss in detail what my tasks would be, it might turn out it can be done in 10hrs in which case i think 2hrs a day is doable even if it means doing an hour before everyone gets up and an hour after bedtime. or it might be that he's underestimated the workload and might have to rethink it or take some things out etc.

I have no stake in his business as he started to build it up from scratch around 10 years before he met me, he barely made anything for ages but it's now thanks to the foundations he set and groundwork he did he has such a high earning potential and it's only recently he has started generating some good revenue, it's nothing to do with me supporting him as we didn't know each other then. If I put so much work (I'm talking 60hour +weeks) into something for nearly a decade I wouldn't expect a partner whom I met after to automatically demand a % of it just because. It might be the wrong way to think though...

We are planning on getting married just haven't figured out the details yet.

The joint account suggestions make sense.

Oh and just to clarify it would be a proper position with NI contributions.