Is this a fair arrangement?

[evergreen7]

Not sure if this is the right topic but I wasn't sure where it would fit.

I'm currently on Mat leave with DC2 due to go back after the summer hols. My job is/was PT and only to help our finances - definitely not a career. DC1 will get free nursery hours in September and will be doing 4 full days so I will only be looking after DC2.
Me and DP discussed our situation and we both agree we'd rather me not go back to my pervious job as due to the hours and travel we barely saw each other and the income wasn't great.
DP is self employed and has a very high earning potential which I could potentially boost by doing his admin and other office related tasks which hold him back from spending more time with his clients which is key to increasing his income. He thinks that if I was able to take over that area it would mean he generates enough income to be able to pay me out a good wage for about 15hrs work a week (basically I'd be getting more than at my current job for less hours).
But I would have to be able to manage myself so that I can look after DC2, the house and do 15hrs work from the home office Mon-Fri.

I think it makes sense for us especially as it would mean we will be able to save a house deposit quicker, it will cut out any commuting for me and we will boost our income in general.
Here's what I'm concerned about:

• working with/for DP and wether it will impact our relationship
• if the hours expected of me and the overall workload is doable
• if it's a fair arrangement for both of us

To break it down

• I will be expected to do 15 hours of work a week from home whilst being able to look after DC2, cook, clean and do all house related tasks Mon-Fri including his ironing (one thing he is GENUINELY crap at)
• DP will be working FT usually 7-5.30 Mon - Fri and help with baths/bedtimes etc once he's home (like he does now)
• at weekends DP usually does most of the cooking or sometimes we go out for lunch or dinner. One of us usually looks after DCs whilst the other tackles the dishes etc and that would carry on as normal.

DP will still be main earner and will be paying me a wage. Out of that I pay my outgoings such as car insurance, mobile etc Gas and Electric, Internet and majority of groceries and presents for families. DP pays mortgage, council tax, water bills and other outgoings and also pays into savings for both of us and DCs saving accounts, there's also a few loans he will be paying off.

So does it sound like a fair arrangement for both of us?

Is there any potential downfalls or issues we've not considered?

Any insight would be appreciated.

But you are supporting him by dealing with the house and children and helping him earn more money by doing his admin. I would say you deserve even a small percentage for that.

I understand your point @Ginger1982 but - and I'm not sure if I've articulated this well - he already earns enough and thinks that if I free up some more of his time by doing the admin he will then be able to bring in another X amount which would then be my wages.
He won't all of a sudden earn lots more because I'm doing it he will simply be able to bring in enough through the business to cover a wage for me so I don't have to go back to work FT (most likely earning a similar amount I can earn from home), stretch our finances on childcare and we don't have to run ragged and worry about school runs and working hours etc

So basically the idea is that I would get a decent wage whilst still having a chance to spend some more time with DC2 which I really want, not having to go back to a job that I hate, be more in control of my working hours and know that we all have our weekends free for family time. It would also give me some good experience should I choose to go back to work once DC2 is at ft childcare or school.

Have you discussed/built in contingency for when you or any of your DC are sick and you can't work, or do household chores or drop of/pick up from nursery?

Pick ups/drop offs last resort is DGPs - that's of course if DP can't rearrange his day to make one.
But it's literally 2 mins in the car from us so unless it's a real emergency (I'm stuck in bed etc) or one of the DCs is very ill I can't imagine not being able to do it.

Sick days etc are all accounted for. If DCs are sick we will pick up the slack together so e.g. If I can't do work though the day because I'm looking after them DP will either take over to allow me to do it or he will do it whilst I carry on looking after them.

If I'm sick then again it's similar.

I would not agree to this unless I were married.

Otherwise in the event of a split you are completely exposed.

I don't understand how you can decide to have children together without all resources (property assets, the business) and income being considered as belonging to the family as a whole rather than you as individuals. The way you talk about the financial arrangements is as if you were just dating. This isn't a situation I'd be happy with as it's very unbalanced (and I earn a higher income than my DH).

I guess you could give it a go.

In the long term though do you have any career plans? I think financial independence is important.

At least when the kids are nearing to school age.

You need actual working hours...

The day dc is with gp = 8 hours
Dp will have to watch the kids over the weekend or an evening or 2 whilst you work.

Would he work and do childcare at the same time? If you do this it needs to be looked at as a family business with both of you running it... Not Just his business

You do realise if you go along with this plan and then something happens to him you would get zero?

Have the legal document that gives you rights to his assets should anything happen to him op, how can you be so flippant about this?

You are so vulnerable! All you are doing is feathering his nest at the expense of your own!

Don't do any more housework and childcare for free unless you are protected financially! Let alone agree to do work for him!

As it stands you would get ZERO for all your hard work and dedication and love if your relationship were to end for whatever reason (illness, death, infidelity).

You should not put yourself and your dc in such a vulnerable position. At the very least get your name on the deeds to the house if you are going to remain unmarried! And work out how much he would be saving in childcare and household help before you agree to help with hs work.

I'd not work for him, too much can go wrong and it would leave you utterly exposed.

Work on your own career separate from his business and ensure that if it goes pear shaped you have financial independence.

If the OP went to work somewhere else she’d be racking up childcare costs, wouldn’t earn as much and would still be vulnerable to redundancy.

If she’s on a proper contract with his business then she’s as protected as she’d be with any other employer. Possibly more so, as if he sacked her just because they broke up then I’d think she’d have a good claim for sexual discrimination / unfair dismissal.

OP should have more money she can put to one side if she works for the business, lower childcare costs and will be doing something that’s probably going to be a lot more interesting than the sort of job she’ll likely be able to get for 15 hours a week. Her DP is also going to be a lot more flexible on DC sickness etc than a third party would be.

I don’t see why she should feel entitled to a share of his business - you don’t get a stake in a third party concern unless you choose to invest in / buy shares in it. How is this different? Presumably, now he’s thought it through, he could go out and employ someone to do the admin work, probably be able to pay them less, and keep more of the profit within the business.

Household bills and workload around the house are a separate matter - I don’t see any big problems with the job side of this proposal. It seems pretty fair to me.

You need to have actual working hours agreed where the baby is cared for by someone else.

You're in a really vulnerable situation as an unmarried sahm and I'm not sure working for your partner does anything to improve that. If the relationship goes, the job goes. And it's not great for your CV so effectively will do nothing to improve your chances of gaining greater earning power.

You're putting all your eggs in one basket. It could work out, but if it goes to shit, it'll really go to shit.

I work from home 30+ hours with a baby and an older DS, no nursery yet, so I'd say it's doable. But I'd struggle massively if DH didn't do more than his fair share of housework and childcare. He works 45-50 hours and still manages to do probably a bit more than me in the house (he sees it as me having 2 jobs my actual job and full-time mothering so he picks up the slack).

My job is the one with the high earning potential and we've often spoken about him quitting his career to facilitate me going hard on mine. But if that were to happen, I wouldn't even dream of putting all the house and childcare on him. This is still my home and these are still my kids. I wouldn't be a guest. Just because the roles are reversed in your situation it doesn't make it any different. It's not the 1950s.

As for finances, it's always been a joint family pot and always will be. I won't comment on yours as every couple has a different idea of finance management.

Oh, forgot to say -- all of this has no bearing on whether you're working for his business or not. A job's a job and home life is home life.

You need to set ground rules though on how much of a boss/employee relationship you're comfortable with. I wouldn't last half a day with DH thinking he's my boss. It would either be a partnership arrangement or nothing.

My friend does this and it works very well, however she is a director of the company so has rights

Also she has dedicated work time when her kids are at pre school/ school so she can do the work. I also run my own business I can't work with my kids around it's impossible and they still nap, but it's not enough time.

So I think you need to get some childcare in place for dc2 to cover your hours or do it every evening which doesn't give you much break.

It is always a bad idea to jack in your own financial independence for an unmarried partner unless you are independently wealthy. You are putting all your eggs in one basket, his. He has you right where he wants you. This is in no way fair, not at all. Wake up! The threads on here from women who have done just what he proposes and are left with FA years down the line are legion. Go back to work, FT, split childcare costs and everything else, until you marry.

And it's not just if there was a relationship breakdown, where would you be if he died?

Where are your pension contributions?

You need to get married. As expat says, there are thousands of threads on here from women who have actively contributed to their own financial ruin by giving up their career to care for a man's kids. Don't be one of them.

I agree with lots of other posters that this arrangement has to potential to go horribly wrong and most of the problems I can foresee are because the arrangement would like involve merging family life with business. It could get very messy, very quickly and if it does it could have an impact on all aspects of your life

Key points for me are:

1. This arrangement could adversely affect the power dynamics in your relationship. Your DP will essentially become your boss and will be doing all the higher value work whilst you get stuck with all the donkey work. Think how you will cope with this dynamic and what will happen if he starts to give unwelcome feedback or becomes overly involved in your work. Also consider how this will change your leisure time together outside of working hours, will it be easy to morph back to being equal partners when you're both not working?

1. As others have suggested you need to make sure you are adequately protected financially, especially for as long as you remain unmarried.

1. You are essentially doing three quite challenging roles, being a SAHM to two young children, housekeeper and PT administrator. Whilst the first two roles may be reasonably compatible, attempting to do administrative work with a potentially non napping toddler(which your DC2 could become) roaming around sounds incredibly stressful. I know you want to be around for the DC more, but you could be really short changing them if you spend all your time distracted by housework or your administrative tasks. I believe it's the quality, not necessarily the quantity of time that is most important in regards to children. As other posters have suggested I would consider getting proper childcare for both DC to cover the hours your working otherwise I would think long and hard about if this job proposition is actually in their best interests or just you and your DP's. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I really think you would struggle to provide your DC with enough attention and keep on top of the house AND complete your administrative work to a reasonable standard. Something will have to give!

No way would I work for DP and basically be a SAHM without being married. Way too much risk for me.

But otherwise it sounds ok. You would need to pool finances. And be aware that 15 hours with a DC would pretty much mean you work 30 to manage the amount of work you would do in 15 hours without a DC.

'I will be expected to do 15 hours of work a week from home whilst being able to look after DC2, cook, clean and do all house related tasks Mon-Fri including his ironing (one thing he is GENUINELY crap at)

• DP will be working FT usually 7-5.30 Mon - Fri and help with baths/bedtimes etc once he's home (like he does now)'

That's just . . . ridiculous. I mean, think of this. There's no employer who will pay someone to 'work from home' if they are also expected to look after a child at the same time. And all the 'house related tasks' including his ironing? For help with looking after his own kids?

And he pays the mortgage. You pay all the shit bills that count for FA. So in other words, it can be argued that you didn't pay into the mortgage so are therefore less entitled to an equal share given you are not married.

This has disaster written all over it! SO many women sleepwalk into these arrangements that leave them at extreme financial disadvantage.

'We just never got round to getting married' 'He said it was just a piece of paper.'

Do yourself a big favour. Don't jack in FT work to look after kids with an unmarried partner.

'and I'm not sure if I've articulated this well - he already earns enough and thinks that if I free up some more of his time by doing the admin he will then be able to bring in another X amount which would then be my wages. '

Again, you are stuck with all the shit donkey work - house shit, admin shit.

If you agree to what he proposes you may as well write mug on your forehead. You and he are unmarried si don't jack in FT work to look after kids with an unmarried partner as Expat rightly states. Your legal rights as they stand are next to nothing here as it is.

Do not sleepwalk into this at all; you need to wake up and smell the coffee. This really does have disaster written all over it because the power and control balance really does become his. It is an arrangement that suits him down to the ground at your overall expense. I would also think long and hard about giving up your own job to work with him. He does not seem like a very good employer and should have developed better working practices re dealing with admin by now (why has he not employed someone to do that already?).

@expatinscotland Yes very well put.

He's pretty much assigned allvthe work with low/no financial value to you. Think long and hard OP about what this could mean for you and your kids if things don't work out. Don't let your desperation to not want to go back to a job you dislike and your desire to spend more time with your kids cloud your judgement. I think you deep down you know this is not a fair arrangement, that's why you posted in the first place...