Am I being a pushover? or expect too much

[yappun]

I like to think I do a lot for my partner. Ok I'm the one who can do more financially, as I am by far the bigger earner, but I work my a* off for that, and often end up shattered by the end of the day. He's not lazy, but has a low-paying job that also comes with fewer demands and very relaxed working hours, long holidays etc.

He's aware of that, and says he'd like to help me, but usually that's by doing something he enjoys doing anyway (like cooking) or just reaffirming our small routine.

But when I need him to help me with something more energy consuming, or that requires him doing a bit more of an effort, he is very resistant and we end up having awful rows.

Examples:

• I'm supposed to cut his hair. We did this when we were students, but I think it's ridiculous now that I work 60h a week, having to do his hair at the weekend - all because he can't bring himself to the barber's. If I don't do it, his hair grows so long and unkempt it's embarrassing. I think he is blackmailing me on this
• I try to get him to take more responsibility for planning holidays. I pay most of the costs, I drive when we rent a car (he doesn't drive), but he still expects me to do 50% of the planning. He says he can't make these decisions by himself
• He relies on me to hand down my old mobile phones to him. Right now he's got a very old one with no data capability and unreliable battery, because he is waiting for me to upgrade and give him my current one. I'm not planning to upgrade but feel pressured, otherwise I'm the only one with Maps and I never know if he's got my messages.

Many other examples in the same vein. Does anyone recognise themselves in this? I am so tired of doing so much of the running and sometimes feel I am in a relationship with a controlling child, not an adult.

He's too reliant on you and that in itself is exhausting. If you don't cut his hair will he just leave it? That in itself would be enough to put me right off a man...it's the sort of thing a BOY would do!

Give him an ultimatum. I would. Tell him to take more responsibility or you're leaving.

my mother was a hairdresser and always cut my fathers hair....
once when she wanted to discuss something important to her, she cut HALF his hair...then began to bargain.

Grasslands that's genius

OP you should totally do this!

What a PITA he sounds. Does he realise how extremely you feel (outside of the rows)?

To be fair, to some extent you are both culpable for allowing this status quo to develop over a long time. If you make yourself into a doormat willingly, people don't necessarily realise you find it upsetting to have to do everything.

If you want this relationship to continue (do you, it's not clear?) but just want his behaviour to change, then I think a big serious chat. Not quite an ultimatum, but impressing that you aren't far off one. It might even be worth doing it all through a marriage counselor.

And accept that he can't change everything about himself all in one go (assuming he's prepared to try). Old habits die hard so you would need to be patient.

Oh I do like grasslands suggestion

It’s a bit hard for me to get a real feel for your relationship from this post.

The examples you give would annoy me, yes. But they are all quite “small” examples in the context of time commitment. Eg I would expect him to only need his hair cutting (say) once every 6-8 weeks for 20 minutes, and you probably go on holiday only once or twice a year, whereas if he’s doing a lot more of the cooking than you, that’s a much more time consuming activity as it’s every day. Even if he enjoys cooking, it can still get a bit repetitive when you do it a lot.

I guess I’m surprised you define these examples as “more energy consuming” than doing the cooking, as that’s not how I would describe them.

I think maybe you need to think about what’s really bothering you here.

In your OP, you say that it’s about how much time and effort he puts into the relationship, but that doesn’t seem quite right to me (as explained above). Maybe it’s not about time and effort, but more about the controlling aspect? He does sound like he’s quite stubborn. Your use of the word ‘blackmailing’ is a strong one! If you don’t want to cut his hair, then don’t! It’s up to him if he looks messy, surely? If you don’t want to buy a new phone, then that’s entirely up to you. (The holiday thing is different- I don’t think that an expectation of planning it together is massively unreasonable on his part).

What would happen if you stood firm about the haircut and the phone? Would he be angry with you? If so, then I think that is your problem. Not the lack of effort he’s putting into the relationship but his insistence on you behaving in certain ways to suit him. This would be a red flag for me.

But if you refused to cut his hair or upgrade your phone and he just shrugged his shoulders, then I’d find it hard to take your side her pe (based on the information given in your OP).

her pe = here

If a task can be separated into yours and his, only do yours. Don't cut his hair. Don't do his laundry. etc.

I agree with another poster that these examples alone seem quite trivial because if you add up the time commitment from these examples, it’s not much over the course of a year. The haircut time would be max 4/5 hours (if that) over the course of a year. Cooking (which he does) is an hour a day? More if he’s buying the groceries that are cooked. It sounds like you’re nit picking and perhaps you’ve outgrown him. He hasn’t changed much since student days whereas you’ve matured and are doing a high paid job. You’ve outgrown him maybe and that’s why these small things irritate you so much. Every relationship has its irritants. Sounds like you’ve run out of tolerance for his.

You cut his hair, if you don’t he won’t get it done. You plan and pay for all holidays, he won’t make decisions for himself. You do all the driving, he can’t/won’t learn. He relies on you to give him your old phone, he can’t/won’t buy one for himself. He says he wants to help as you’re busy but ultimately only does what he find interesting.

It sounds like you’re describing your teenage son and not your partner. If this is someone you’re sleeping with and not parenting then the power dynamic is more than a little fucked up. Have you been together a long time and do you think you may have outgrown the relationship?

What about you getting a less stressful job.
Cutting your lovers hair and getting all intimate like that, enjoy, I'm sure he is.

People are missing the point about the hair cutting. OP doesn't want to do it. He won't cut it at all if she doesn't!

How sexy and intimate is THAT?

I'll be honest. I am split on this one.

Of course the largest earner takes on more financial responsibility, but I dont think that means the largest earner can opt out of doing things. Like the holiday. I mean how many do you go on, that helping plan it (you said 50% so its not like he doesnt plan anything) takes up alot of time or alot of time, constantly. I actually think both planning a holiday is something you BOTH should be doing. I would not eant to plan all of every holidag for me and someone else. It should be something planned together.

I dont see the big issue with cutting his hair. I do see the issue with him refusing to have it cut unless you do it. But to be fair, so what if his hair looks unkempt. Thats his issue. If you really dont want to do it. Dont.

I also dont see a big issue on using your second hand phones.

Assuming he could learn to drive (unless there is a finacial or health reason he cant) isnt a hugr deal. But it would annoy me if he chose not to drive then assumed I would run him everywhere.

Having said all this, I can see if these 3 examples are part of a larger problem (or he can afford his own phone and hair cuts and just chooses not to) I can see how its gets frustrating after a while.

How much of the work, in the house, does he do on a regular basis? Whats his financial situation, does he have any spare money? How much does he contribute, financially?

These are all things that would impact my advice.

As pp said, it maybr that you have just outgrown him.

I think you should consider what he's bringing to the party really. You sound very competent and organised; he definitely seems less so. The examples are trivial but these things can build up to become very annoying if not addressed.

Are you me? I know the things seem trivial but it adds up. Sometimes you just want to relax and know something will be taken care of.

I spent quite a few years married to an overgrown man child. It was exhausting. He didn't drive and refused to learn. Being his taxi and having to limit where we lived to good public transport. Couldn't drive me to the gp when I was sick. Took forever to convince him to go to the barber. Also, counted on my phones as hand me downs and bragged about never having to buy a phone for years. Stopped working about 2 years into the marriage and refused to get another job.

Funny when I booted him out, he somehow managed to buy his own phone, underwear socks, and get a job in less than a year after the boot.

So yes, I understand your issue. Think strongly about whether you want to spend the rest of your days like this because it won't change.

How sexy and intimate is THAT? Maybe that's the closest they get to it.

I agree with pp that these examples seem very trivial, and particularly with the holiday, he is not being unreasonable to want you to plan 50%; a couple should plan their holiday together.

I’d also agree with others that cooking is more time consuming and energy wasting than anything you’ve written here.

As for the hair and the phone, if you don’t want to do them, just don’t.

It sounds to me like you think things he enjoys (eg. cooking) don’t count as work. They do.

I think as PP said it sounds like you've out grown him. If it doesn't feel equal then it probably isn't.

He's aware of that, and says he'd like to help me, but usually that's by doing something he enjoys doing anyway (like cooking) or just reaffirming our small routine.

When you say this, do you mean you do most of the housework on top of working longer hours?

I mean, him cooking is a boon, but not if, for example, he leaves the kitchen like a bombsite afterwards or that's all he does and never picks up the hoover or cleans a loo.

Agree with others, the examples you give are quite small it sounds if you are the beadwinner so he relies on you for things that will keep his costs down such as not purchasing a moibile phone or paying for a haircut. In terms of time commitment these are quite small so to me it sounds like you would prefer someone more independent who didnt rely on you for things and are nitpicking due to your dissatisfaction. Perhapd you have just outgrown him.

Also, my ex used to love to cook and it was good in some ways, but it's also more of a higher status chore - it was something to boast about being good at and talk about, and people generally say thank you and ooh and aah over it. Cleaning the shitter not so much.

I also thought your examples were very minor so hard to work out what the main problem is really. Planning the holiday 50% sounds fair enough to me for example. If you are just plain finding him irritating then it could be a sign that you are losing your feelings for him and of course that is a bigger issue.

Thanks all - agreed the examples are pretty minor. Perhaps what bothers me most is his incapacity to listen and adapt. He does the things he’s always done and is comfortable with, but if I ask him to help me with something even trivial that wasn’t part of the deal before, he just won’t listen. But the deal has changed massively in his favour in recent years from the financial side and in terms of free time, so I don’t think it’s out of order to adjust how we split responsibility. Otherwise I end up with a very unbalanced share where I am running around all the time (which benefits us both financially) but the split of responsibility is like when w were students.

And btw he does leave the kitchen like a bomb site after cooking, but that’s another story

So are you saying that he cooks but you do the cleaning up? If so, then that’s a massive issue, much worse IMO than the ones given in your OP.