Am I being a pushover? or expect too much

[yappun]

I like to think I do a lot for my partner. Ok I'm the one who can do more financially, as I am by far the bigger earner, but I work my a* off for that, and often end up shattered by the end of the day. He's not lazy, but has a low-paying job that also comes with fewer demands and very relaxed working hours, long holidays etc.

He's aware of that, and says he'd like to help me, but usually that's by doing something he enjoys doing anyway (like cooking) or just reaffirming our small routine.

But when I need him to help me with something more energy consuming, or that requires him doing a bit more of an effort, he is very resistant and we end up having awful rows.

Examples:

• I'm supposed to cut his hair. We did this when we were students, but I think it's ridiculous now that I work 60h a week, having to do his hair at the weekend - all because he can't bring himself to the barber's. If I don't do it, his hair grows so long and unkempt it's embarrassing. I think he is blackmailing me on this
• I try to get him to take more responsibility for planning holidays. I pay most of the costs, I drive when we rent a car (he doesn't drive), but he still expects me to do 50% of the planning. He says he can't make these decisions by himself
• He relies on me to hand down my old mobile phones to him. Right now he's got a very old one with no data capability and unreliable battery, because he is waiting for me to upgrade and give him my current one. I'm not planning to upgrade but feel pressured, otherwise I'm the only one with Maps and I never know if he's got my messages.

Many other examples in the same vein. Does anyone recognise themselves in this? I am so tired of doing so much of the running and sometimes feel I am in a relationship with a controlling child, not an adult.

Your examples sounded very much as if you were describing a 15 year old son.
I think its called learned helplessness

It seems as if he is trying to live within his means? Your problem would be a lot bigger if he was popping down to Toni & Guy every six weeks or booking expensive mini-breaks.

He sounds a bit passive, but not bad at heart.

If you see a future with him, I think set aside a sum of money and ask him to use it to learn to drive - it will give you much more flexibility when you become parents. Observe what he does or does not do with this opportunity.

But that's basically parenting him, which isn't very sexy. He seems quite content to ride op's coat tails, which would be OK if she didn't mind. But it sounds like she'd like more of an equal partner.

We have a cleaner, and different perceptions of what is 'clean' so it's not like he makes me scrub after him.

He is not totally helpless in everything, but he is very resistant to change, so if he's never had to do X, he doesn't want to even consider starting to do it, even if he sees me exhausted and asks how he can help. And he doesn't even put it to me that way (like "sorry, I know it's a bother, but could you please keep doing X, because I am just not able to?"). Instead he angrily berates me for not wanting to do X anymore, like I used to.

But my life isn't what it used to be, things change, for good and bad. And he has benefited from that change too in significant ways.

OK, so longterm, are you planning on dc? If you are, this inability to adapt of his will be a massive stumbling block.

Very much agree that he will be useless if you have children if he can't adapt to anything new and doesn't do much around the house. Your workload at home will double, and no doubt you'll have to have a short maternity leave/ go back full-time if you're the higher earner, which could leave you very resentful.

Are you a hairdresser? If not, why are you cutting his hair??? It only costs about £10 for a basic haircut so it's not that much of a cost saving.

I expect you're exhausted because of the 'mental load' of having to think and plan everything. It's true that holidays are only once or twice a year, but if you're the only one who plans everything, I bet it feels like just another tedious job. Especially if you're doing everything else around the house.

And if you had the low-paying, short hours, stress-free job, would you expect him to do everything at home apart from a bit of cooking. I suspect not...

I can't have kids unfortunately, but we've both come to terms with it. We were both ambivalent about the idea anyway for various reasons. I'm not sure that makes all the rest ok though!

Similarly yes he's very restrained financially and that's better than the opposite. But does that have to extend to me using my time so he can save money? We are comfortable financially and don't need to worry about the £10 for the haircut. The mobile phone is more expensive, but even on his own, he has the money for it. Or at most I would understand if he made the financial case for it. Instead he reacts so angrily that I think it's more than that - he just doesn't see why he should go into a shop and get a new one, when I can "provide" for him.

To answer some of the other questions, we go on holidays about twice a year for 10d or so, and we both like "interesting" holidays, not book a hotel by the beach for the duration. So there's often a lot of checking up on air/train connections, how long to spend in that town before we more on etc. It would sound fair if we were contributing 50% each overall, so if I'm paying 80% of the cost (and he has 80% of the free time) could he do 80% of the ground research?

I don’t think it sounds trivial at all. He ‘helps’ on his terms only. He won’t do things he doesn’t want to do his slack is picked up by the OP.

Sounds like lack of effort to me.

you've outgrown him i'm afraid.

@yappun says he'd like to help me

That bit right there stood out for me. "Help" you? Help you what? Run your joint life together? Why is he such a passive participant in that?

He is taking the piss massively. He "helps" on his terms only, and only then begrudgingly.

What do you get out of the deal OP? What tangible benefit does he bring to your life?

eddielizzard is absolutely right.
You've progressed massively and you've left him way behind now.
You are probably no longer compatible.
It happens.
We change and things just come to a natural end.
That's what's happening here.
The sooner you realise it the better.

No it doesn't mean it makes it alright, just you see some women going on and having dc with lazy guys presumably assuming he'd step up when they have dc, and finding it's not the case.

When you say "restrained financially", do you mean tight? And the angry reaction to not getting your phone is a worry - he sounds like he thinks he's entitled rather than glad of it. What if you wanted to trade it in or sell it?

Ah - the 'angrily berating' definitely changes the complexion of things...I'd formed an idea of a genial chap helplessly running his hand through his mop of curls and pleading with you to pick up the scissors .

Hostile to you because you won't do things for him, rather than appreciative of what you do? No way. Fast forward twenty years and you have a grumpy old man.

Hmm is he hostile because he feels inadequate or hostile because he feels entitled?
If its the first one perhaps juat a case of having a proper conversation to say how you feel and give him space to really be honest about his motivations and confidently say how he feels then work on things if you still love him that is?

If its the later you're screwed so leave.

I think he is an extremely conservative person in always wanting to do the same things and angry when challenged out of comfort zone. And not transparent with himself. So there is a conflict between being happy that I’ve done well professionally (he loves me in his way) but also not being able to cope with changes to everyday routines that come with that. And not open to talking about it honestly.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Was this ever what you envisaged?.

Why are you together at all now? He has learned helplessness down to a fine art and you merely facilitate both his life and lifestyle. I think he is hostile because he is that inflexible and wants you to run this whole relationship for him. What is in this relationship for you, what are you getting out of this in terms of him meeting your needs?.

What about his parents OP; what are they like?. Probably very much like their son.

You have a cleaner and you have no kids. He doesn't seem bothered by certain things like his hair being cut or a new phone but you are therefore you do it. He may not be bothered by the holidays or thinks that you may not like it so lets you do it.

You work many hours and more than him, yes. But do you need to or do you want to? It doesn't seem like the type of person who'd care if you lived more modestly and perhaps have more leisure time together.

If he cooks then it's only right that you should clean up unless you split your chores separately.

Anyway I think you need to think about what kind of life you want and with what kind of person. Is he incapable or just not bothered about the same things as you? If so, would you prefer someone who was?

Your mobile phone wouldnt be the only thing i would look to upgrade.... sounds like a man baby to me, unattractive and unwilling to give even a fraction. I would offer him the alternatives if you are inclined otherwise ditch and move on to a grown up.

I agree with Tatiannatomasin. He sounds like a man baby. Are his parents like this too (mum enabling father, caring for him like a baby)?

Honestly I would not be okay with this. You're his life partner, not his mum.

I agree with others that you've outgrown him. You've changed and developed and he hasn't. He's getting all the benefits of living with you. You don't seem to have any benefits from living with him.

I think it's time to move on. I bet he'll get his hair cut when he realises other women won't look at him otherwise. It's a shame he doesn't think enough of you to get it cut (ffs.)

I don't think I'd be attracted to a man like that, but I assume he's always had those traits and you once loved him for them/despite them.

So i'm struggling to see a problem. You both work full time, have a cleaner and no dc. He cooks, you clean up afterwards. Sounds fair.

He earns a lot less than you and would rather wait for your old phone than spend hundreds on a new one, and thinks you should be making holiday decisions together? This also makes sense to me, especially if you are someone who would criticise him if he got a holiday detail or decision wrong.

Tbh I don't think it's fair to choose to take on more responsibility and longer hours and then blame him for your lack of free time, expecting him to step in and do more, unless this was agreed beforehand.

The haircut is ridiculous. It only takes minutes, and might be something he enjoys having you do, perhaps he doesn't understand why you suddenly don't want to do it when you always have, perhaps he's hurt that you can't spend 20mins every six weeks doing this for him? But regardless, if you don't want to do it, don't do it.

Never met his parents before they died but his sister is very similar. Nice and relaxed person, but ill equipped to face uncomfortable issues e.g. she is heavily overweight which has various consequences, but no one is allowed to mention the very obvious underlying issue (she needs to lose weight) or she gets angry/tearful.

As for me I cannot say I had great example from my parents relationship, lots of unspoken tensions, no rational calm communication between equal adults. No education to healthy relationships. But I can see that now, and trying to do things differently myself.

You have outgrown this person.

His sister seems very much like her brother actually; what on earth did they teach their now adult children about relationships?. How did these two become so helpless in their own lives?.

Getting back to you is this really what you want for your own self?. It sounds like your parents relationship is not entirely dissimilar as to how yours is now with this man. You have not answered (or cannot answer) what you get out of this relationship so I presume it is nothing of note

You’ve outgrown him and he’s not interested in catching you up. When did you sign up to be a mother to an adult? He’s prepared to watch you exhaust yourself and to manipulate you into maintaining his status quo, whilst profiting from the benefits of the improvements you’ve made to your life.

Don’t be fooled by the ‘if it wasn’t for this minor thing he would be perfect’ nonsense. What you describe isn’t trivial, it’s a pattern of behaviour that he’s reluctant to change and understandably you’ve become tired of. He’s a habit you need to break for your own sanity because the gap between where you are developmentally relationship wise, is only getting bigger.