Am I being a pushover? or expect too much

[yappun]

I like to think I do a lot for my partner. Ok I'm the one who can do more financially, as I am by far the bigger earner, but I work my a* off for that, and often end up shattered by the end of the day. He's not lazy, but has a low-paying job that also comes with fewer demands and very relaxed working hours, long holidays etc.

He's aware of that, and says he'd like to help me, but usually that's by doing something he enjoys doing anyway (like cooking) or just reaffirming our small routine.

But when I need him to help me with something more energy consuming, or that requires him doing a bit more of an effort, he is very resistant and we end up having awful rows.

Examples:

• I'm supposed to cut his hair. We did this when we were students, but I think it's ridiculous now that I work 60h a week, having to do his hair at the weekend - all because he can't bring himself to the barber's. If I don't do it, his hair grows so long and unkempt it's embarrassing. I think he is blackmailing me on this
• I try to get him to take more responsibility for planning holidays. I pay most of the costs, I drive when we rent a car (he doesn't drive), but he still expects me to do 50% of the planning. He says he can't make these decisions by himself
• He relies on me to hand down my old mobile phones to him. Right now he's got a very old one with no data capability and unreliable battery, because he is waiting for me to upgrade and give him my current one. I'm not planning to upgrade but feel pressured, otherwise I'm the only one with Maps and I never know if he's got my messages.

Many other examples in the same vein. Does anyone recognise themselves in this? I am so tired of doing so much of the running and sometimes feel I am in a relationship with a controlling child, not an adult.

Why dont you show him whats been written here and ask him his thoughts and if he wants to change?
If you dont want to do that, why not just tell him what he needs to change or your off?
Please dont waste your life on someone like this they will just get worse as they get older.

I think you've just chosen a bad example with the sister. It's pretty normal if you're fat to be at least a little upset when people tell you that. She knows.

You don't sound compatible. He is relaxed, a bit lazy, sounds at least somewhat content with his lot. You are more goal-orientated and aspirational. I think you will both end up resenting one another. He will resent you for having to do "more" (because you choose to work more so have less time for other things), and you will resent him for relying on you financially and being too content with how things are.

He comes across as an utter drip. Not driving, and refusing to learn is very convenient for him. Chauffeured around, he can drink and you can't. He threatens you with looking like a tramp if you don't cut his hair. There must be something you like about him, but I can't figure out what it is

Actually the examples you're giving makes you sound very driven and expect everyone else to be the same. What business is it of yours that his sister is overweight? And most people know when they're overweight but find it difficult to lose weight.

Working 60 hours is a lot and there is a reason why you want to do it. You must love it because I'm sure you'd be able to live nicely working fewer hours. That's your choice. He works full time but more reasonable hours. He may benefit from your extra income but does he want it or would he rather you work fewer hours.

For example, my stbxh works all the time. That has meant that I've had to do all housekeeping, childcare, cooking, everything except for pay the bills. We could easily have had a nice standard of living if he'd worked more normal hours and we would have benefited from his physical presence and help more than the extra income in the bank. He did it because he wanted to not because he had to. It also meant that I couldn't start working until they were all at school because he couldn't be relied upon at all.

So do you want a man who is never there as he too works 60 hours a week? Or do you want someone who has the same priorities as you? Day to day how is he? What is he interested in? What are his priorities?

When you ask what I get out of it, yes sometimes I wonder. But the reality is more complex. There are things we still enjoy together – we (I?) have changed in many ways over time, but in other ways not. We like doing the same things on holiday, we like going to same concerts or events, we like our home. Part of the reason I work so hard is so we can both have this. He is quite frugal on himself but does not mind a comfortable lifestyle either.

But this is not to say he is a lazy person in general or a free-rider. In fact he is quite conscientious. But he does not “think big” and has a tendency to just wanting to stick to the small familiar things in his comfort zone. This is also why his career has not developed despite him being bright.

I would be more at ease with this if he had more awareness of the differences between us, so we could manage them together. Instead the really difficult thing is that personal analysis or uncomfortable conversation is also something he is not used to, so he avoids it. And has ambiguous positions like enjoying my success in some ways (and the clear benefits for him) but not recognising that he could help that by not insisting on preserving old habits, and when I challenge him on this, however gently, he ends up having screaming fits.

I seem to attract these kinds of men and its EXHAUSTING. They will waltz through life doing only the premium nice bits and it's up to muggins to do literally everything else.

They'll decide to have a BBQ but it'll be up to the woman to actually make a shopping list, go and get the stuff and the BBQ, make sure its all defrosted, bring it all out while the man ceremonially places the meat on the BBQ and then hands it out, then will leave you surrounded by the bombsite of a kitchen and garden while they casually wander in the direction of the TV and sofa saying "hmm we could have used more napkins, we should probably get more of those next time".

Knowing that they are constantly patiently passively WAITING in a queue of one for you to do all the things rather than actually doing any of them themselves is utterly draining.

You’ve just outgrown him and I don’t think you like or respect him that much.

Neither of you is a twat - you need to date someone who can afford £10 for a haircut (book and organise a holiday etc) and he needs to end up with someone who sees his good points (I’m sure some equally laid back women would adore him!)

With no children and both of you working, splitting up is reasonably straightforward thing to do.

screaming fits
Wow - that is NOT normal for an adult.
And it is very controlling and manipulative behaviour.
Like a child!

Please start making a list of pros and cons on this guy.
I can't see this working out long term.
And I have friends who like doing the same things as me.
You can find friends you have things in common with as well.
Don't base this whole relationship and the rest of your life on 'we like the same music'!

I think the large difference in individual earnings causes this feeling.

Him waiting for your old phone really shows it's never going to be an equal partnership.

I'd feel very uncomfortable with it if my partner couldn't afford a decent phone of his own and was waiting on mine. It's like he's a little kid or has lower status. I'm not saying this is your fault btw.

What if you say you won't be upgrading for the foreseeable future?

I'm not a fan of these huge income differences.

You seem to think you should get superior treatment because you earn more?

If you didn’t then you wouldn’t have mentioned that part

Will he scream at you if you ask him to clean up as he cooks? Cooking is not a continuous activity and it is no trouble to slip used equipment into the sink and wash up while the food cooks. This idea he has of "helping" assumes that the housework is all your responsibility.

Sounds like you've outgrown him and more importantly - you're starting to lose respect for him which is much more serious. Also, look up the concept of emotional labour if you're not familiar with it; sounds like there is a lot of that going on on your side.

My advice? Tell him honestly he needs to shape up, get himself some therapy (the internet is great for this!) and learn how to communicate like an adult. He sounds redeemable but he needs to wake up and face reality.

Otherwise you sound too smart to put up with this for much longer and in a few years months you will absolutely end up resenting him, hating yourself for wasting time on him and probably breaking up in unceremonious fashion.

You sound like you've outgrown him and are sticking with this relationship out of habit. The leaving hte kitchen a bombsite would fuck me off. What does he do when you tell him to clean up? Get stroppy and refuse to cook then? The no driving would tick me off, too.

I think him cooking and you clearing up is a fair division of labour actually.

I don't like the sound of 'screaming fits'. Do you think he senses your disapproval and disappointment?

I think this has struck a chord with me because my xh earned a lot more than me and adopted quite a superior air at times. I enjoyed my job and would've preferred him to work less but he was very aspirational and always in pursuit of more money. I suppose I benefitted but would've preferred him at home. I didn't drive either (failed six times!) and had his old phones too, so I am really just like your dp! It wasn't a nice feeling really, knowing that he was increasingly contemptuous of me.

I feel for your dp. If he was posting here I think he'd been saying 'I'm the same as I always was but suddenly that's not good enough'. If you're no longer happy you must separate of course, I'm not suggesting anything else.

Never learning to drive in this day and age is completely bizarre.

Tukkadin or, learning to drive and adding more filth to the environment is completely bizarre. Especially when there are very good public transport options.

Hang on, he screams at you?

Well said Turkkadin

Our DD will de doing her test ASAP as busses here stop at 8pm and don’t start early enough or run regularly enough to be relied on. The county council are just about to meet to vote on cutting subsidies again so it’ll only get worse.

Very sensible to increase your options in this day and age, even if you don’t run a car. Ignore those who don’t understand what it’s like to live anywhere other than a built up area

Ajas, have a think; sharing the driving will not add to emissions if they are driving anyway. They're in the same car! I suspect they don't even own a car since OP mentioned renting. Suppose OP was taken ill on holiday driving abroad? Not learning to drive is just another way to dodge responsibility.

Tukkadin or, learning to drive and adding more filth to the environment is completely bizarre. Especially when there are very good public transport options.

Having a driving licence doesn't automatically mean you will be spewing pollution into the air all the live-long day.

In this scenario, it means choice - OP isn't the one who has to drive everywhere and anywhere every single time. Her partner is being a lazy-arsed dick and treating her like his personal ATM, chauffeur and housemaid most of the time, with sulky, shouty, passive-aggressive (and not so passive, just aggressive!) outcomes if she doesn't play those roles. That's the problem.

You have become his surrogate mother.
You will have to lead him by the hand like he's an angry child.
You have become responsible for running his entire life.

This is not in any way a partnership of equals.
It will be like this for the rest of your lives. You O.K with that?

My former partner also used to want me to cut his hair and while other posters have seen it as trivial or infantile in my case it was part of the emotional abuse. If I refused to cut it, he wouldn't talk to me until I apologised and gave in.

OP you sound controlling.

he's using you as a cash cow and surrogate mother - not attractive at all

he's not going to change - is this what you want for the rest of your life - or a proper, equal partner?