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Relationships

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Original poster

Why do leavers get to be happy?

76 replies

user1471984747 · 14/05/2018 18:23

My husband left me almost 3 years ago but never filed for divorce. He never showed ANY signs of being a narcissist or anything during our almost 2 decades together. We have no kids. He lives with another woman across the country, has a new job that he loves and his life seems to be going well. He would communicate with me every so often but always avoided dealing with the legal part. I was just about to file for divorce last year when I got diagnosed with cancer and have been battling it ever since.

I didn't contact him when I was diagnosed or after because he's with another woman and so he's no longer my go-to person for support. He contacted me once by text right after he found out I was diagnosed (on my birthday) and I thanked him for the text and I haven't heard from him since. That was 10 months ago. He's since even changed his phone number and email address. We're still married and I have no way to reach him.

I've been concentrating on my health and now I don't have any money left to continue trying to divorce someone who isn't participating in the process at all. (I looked into legal aid, but since we have no kids and I'm not a victim of domestic violence, there's nothing available to me.) I'm now destitute, barely able to work, living with a relative, fighting advanced cancer and of course still hurting over being completely discarded and abandoned.

I have no way to communicate with him but I know he's alive because his new partner posts things about them on social media and I see him often tweeting about sports and music and other things on Twitter as if all is well.

We had a good marriage - not perfect, but it was good. I accepted that he doesn't love me anymore and he is with someone else, but I thought after almost 20 years together, he at least cared about me. He hasn't helped me out financially and since I've been sick he hasn't even asked how I'm doing. Instead he did the unthinkable and completely vanished when I got sick.

I'll admit, it hurts to just be completely erased from his life as if I never mattered. I don't know what he's thinking by vanishing. Does he think I'll stay married to a ghost forever? And why does he get to live a good life with his new "love" while my life is literally falling apart?

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 14/05/2018 18:31

I'm so sorry, you're going through hell right now

Unfortunately, when someone leaves, there is no way to MAKE them act ethically towards you. People leave relationships because they are unhappy and they seek happiness on their own, or with another partner. It's shit and it really sucks when you thought the relationship was doing good and then you get "I haven't been happy for a while" and your partner fucks off. It's horrible. But equally, everyone has the right to leave a relationship if it's not working.

Is there a financial or practical benefit to you being divorced? If not, can you decide to just ignore the whole situation until your health is better?

PotteringAlong · 14/05/2018 18:35

Instead he did the unthinkable and completely vanished when I got sick.

But you said yourself you didn’t contact him when you were diagnosed and you had already broken up. You didn’t contact him because he was no longer your go to person. The fact is, that you’re not his either.

I think there are 2 seperate issues here; the break up and how your cancer diagnosis has affected your life. You’re trying to link them but they’re not the same thing.

Olicity17 · 14/05/2018 18:41

I am sorry you are struggling.

However, ehats happened to you isnt a leaver vs left situation. He wasnt happy and left. You, sadly, have been ill. He hasnt. Thats not down to him leaving.

When I left my marriage, I did so because I was unhappy and couldnt carry on being unhappy. I dont think that means i shouldnt be able to have a good life.

He shouldnt have stalled the divorce. But aside from that, he doesnt have an obligation to remain in contact or part of your support system. Its shit when someone has been part of your life for so long. It would be nice if they showed concern, but its not often it happens.

I hope you get well soon and are able to come to terms with the end of your marriage.

Original poster

user1471984747 · 14/05/2018 18:44

True, but we are still legally married and spent almost 20 years together. Up until I got sick, even though he had abandoned me and was avoiding the divorce, our interactions were still civil and I was always kind and compassionate to him. Very occasionally, he even initiated contact by sending me a picture of our dog, who is with him.

Then I got cancer and in response, he changed his phone number and email address.

So I am very, very sick and his actions have a) caused me more emotional hurt, b) made my already difficult situation more difficult and c) made it much more difficult for me to divorce him.

He chose to respond to my illness by making things harder. So in that sense, they are linked.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1471984747 · 14/05/2018 18:48

I also didn't mention that before he left, he was involved in a multilevel marketing business where he lost a huge amount of money behind my back. And then left and has not filed for divorce, so he financially harmed me, cheated, left me to fend for myself and has now disappeared.

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NotTheFordType · 14/05/2018 18:54

Wow, that really is shitty behaviour.

The MLM stuff makes it clear he's a credulous idiot.

Is part of the divorce for you trying to recover some of that money?

m0vinf0rward · 14/05/2018 18:56

What do you expect him to do? He hasn't been with you for a while now and by the sound of things you have more important things to do than divorce right now, so why worry about something that won't effect your life in the short term. Maybe the reason he changed his contact details is that he didn't want to get involved with your health issues, which right or wrong is within his rights to do. I suggest you concentrate on yourself and don't get hung up on things out of your control.

Olicity17 · 14/05/2018 19:01

But again non of that obligates him to support you now you are sick. He has treated you badly. Why would it be different now?

The issue is that you want support from your ex. He isnt going to provide that. But thats a different issue. Non of that means that he should have to have a worse life than you, just because he left.

Original poster

user1471984747 · 14/05/2018 19:05

It was to try to recover some of the money. He agreed to pay me a certain amount each month and then he never did and now he's vanished.

Honestly, I have come to terms that he was unhappy, though he never let on and sprung it on me, and I believe he wasn't all that "unhappy" until the new woman came into the picture. But he's with her and it is what it is.

What I don't get is why he gets to just leave and disappear and build a new life for himself and how he can be happy (and how he can even look himself in the mirror).

I don't expect him to be part of my support system. But you would think that after 20 years, he would at least care and not just vanish. What I don't understand is, if he was SO unhappy that he had to leave me, why is he prolonging things by making the divorce so hard? We have no kids to tie us together, so if we get divorced that's it, all ties are severed.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1471984747 · 14/05/2018 19:08

Olicity, I think my point is that he financially harmed me, left me and now is building a new life for himself after leaving me with nothing.

Do you still think, knowing that, that he deserves a great new life? If so, I wonder why you think he should be able to squander all of our money on a pyramid scheme and then just walk away and build a new life without even bothering to divorce me.

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Olicity17 · 14/05/2018 19:10

How he can look at himself, is his personal issue.

He gets to leave because he chose to leave.

Non of this means his life should automatically be worse than yours. I dont really get how he has managed to drag the divorce for 3 years and why his name isnt on the debt.

EqualityIllusion · 14/05/2018 19:12

I'd contact him and ask for a divorce.

heateallthebuns · 14/05/2018 19:18

He might have changed his email and phone no as part of moving on. If you only told him about the illness after a while and it doesn't sound like you've engaged much with him. Maybe he thinks you're moving on and don't want much to do with him.

If you want to get divorced and try and get some money back you'll have to seek legal advice. It isn't fair but it is what it is.

MadeForThis · 14/05/2018 19:22

In the nicest possible way, when a relationship ends both parties go their separate ways, unless kids are involved.

Obviously the divorce needs to happen and the financial situation sorted but that's all. I've never ever stayed in touch with previous partners although there was never a marriage. As hard as it is you need to accept that he has moved on. You are no longer a part of each others lives.

If he has damaged you financially then of course you should pursue that.

I hope that my words aren't too harsh. That's not what I have intended.

eightfacesofthemoon · 14/05/2018 19:26

You can still divorce him, you can divorce someone you can’t find
Though if he’s on social media and you know his name then you can divorce him by searching his address with a government agency.

Do you both own any property? This is a BIG question? Does he think he will get something out of you if you die? Shitty but worth thinking about. Make sure you have a will

He has basically shown that he’s a total tosser. Even I would have empathy for my ex if he got ill

mump0ints · 14/05/2018 19:28

Sweetheart he hasn’t vanished if you can see him on social media. Contact him through that.

LynetteScavo · 14/05/2018 19:31

Does he pay like insurance for you? That's one reason he may be reluctant to divorce.

Original poster

user1471984747 · 14/05/2018 19:36

He pays nothing for me. We have no property. No kids. No assets. Pretty simple divorce process, since we don't have much. I get nothing from him, he gets nothing from me. I even agreed to let him off the hook with paying for my health insurance - I got my own (obviously I had to as I had a major health crisis).

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PerfectlyDone · 14/05/2018 19:41

That is really shitty behaviour and so very unfair.
I am sorry how bad things have been for you.

For me your situation just confirms that the universe functions fairly randomly and that there is not 'plan'.

Are you in the UK? It is my understanding that since you have been separated for >2 years and there are no dependent children, you can do a cheap and quick divorce yourself without him having to do anything.

I'd want shot of him. Just out of principle. He is not adding anything to your life now, you don't need the aggro, so cut your losses and take the initiative if you can.
I hope your health will allow you to enjoy some quality life

Original poster

user1471984747 · 14/05/2018 19:47

I'm in the US. And yes, PerfectlyDone, the unfairness is what I am driving at.

I know marriages end. I know he's not obligated to care. But it's human nature that after 2 decades of loving someone, you would expect them to at least show some tiny bit of concern, or at least not vanish completely.

If he's in love with someone else, why does that mean he has to erase me? Loving someone new shouldn't preclude him from caring about me.

Regardless though, his actions show he doesn't care if I live or die. But the fact that he spent all our money and left me without a home or health insurance is pretty despicable.

OP posts:

PerfectlyDone · 14/05/2018 19:47

DIY divorce

eightfacesofthemoon · 14/05/2018 19:49

You genuinely don’t need that dickhead to care. All it would do is not make you realise what a total cunt he is.
And you need to realise that
I hope you win your fight with cancer and if there isn’t a chance of this. Do not waste anymore time or energy on him.
You need to take care of yourself

Original poster

user1471984747 · 14/05/2018 19:53

If I do a DIY divorce, I have no way to enforce any financial agreement. I could divorce him for a few hundred dollars and walk away with nothing. That is ultimately what I will probably have to do. Unfortunately, due to my stage IV cancer, I don't even have a few hundred dollars right now.

I spent $6000 during 2017 on lawyer fees - it was all the money I had. I had moved to a new state at the end of 2016 so I could afford rent and by law I had to live in my new state for six months before I could legally file. I had a lawyer and I had the paperwork drawn up and I gave him the date I was going to file (he ignored it) and then 3 weeks before that date, I was diagnosed with cancer. I had no health insurance and the state I lived in didn't have anything I could afford. I had to move to another state to live with a relative so I could get health insurance and start treatment.

OP posts:

PerfectlyDone · 14/05/2018 20:00

Argh, I just lost a long post!

Ok, so you are in the US which renders my link useless, sorry!

It all sounds really horrible and difficult.

What access to support to you have? Counselling??
Cancer charities?
Do you practice mindfulness?

Original poster

user1471984747 · 14/05/2018 20:07

I have a counselor and good family and friends around me, which helps.

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