Why do leavers get to be happy?

[user1471984747]

My husband left me almost 3 years ago but never filed for divorce. He never showed ANY signs of being a narcissist or anything during our almost 2 decades together. We have no kids. He lives with another woman across the country, has a new job that he loves and his life seems to be going well. He would communicate with me every so often but always avoided dealing with the legal part. I was just about to file for divorce last year when I got diagnosed with cancer and have been battling it ever since.

I didn't contact him when I was diagnosed or after because he's with another woman and so he's no longer my go-to person for support. He contacted me once by text right after he found out I was diagnosed (on my birthday) and I thanked him for the text and I haven't heard from him since. That was 10 months ago. He's since even changed his phone number and email address. We're still married and I have no way to reach him.

I've been concentrating on my health and now I don't have any money left to continue trying to divorce someone who isn't participating in the process at all. (I looked into legal aid, but since we have no kids and I'm not a victim of domestic violence, there's nothing available to me.) I'm now destitute, barely able to work, living with a relative, fighting advanced cancer and of course still hurting over being completely discarded and abandoned.

I have no way to communicate with him but I know he's alive because his new partner posts things about them on social media and I see him often tweeting about sports and music and other things on Twitter as if all is well.

We had a good marriage - not perfect, but it was good. I accepted that he doesn't love me anymore and he is with someone else, but I thought after almost 20 years together, he at least cared about me. He hasn't helped me out financially and since I've been sick he hasn't even asked how I'm doing. Instead he did the unthinkable and completely vanished when I got sick.

I'll admit, it hurts to just be completely erased from his life as if I never mattered. I don't know what he's thinking by vanishing. Does he think I'll stay married to a ghost forever? And why does he get to live a good life with his new "love" while my life is literally falling apart?

Do you still think, knowing that, that he deserves a great new life? If so, I wonder why you think he should be able to squander all of our money on a pyramid scheme and then just walk away and build a new life without even bothering to divorce me.

If you read my post i have said he should have given you the divorce.

But he left the marriage. He has a right to start again. Yes he should divorce you. But most people but lots of distance between themseleves and their ex. Especially when they have a new partner.

He is a shit who left you in the shit. He isnt going to be a supportive person. He left the marriage. He should be held responsible for the financial difficulties. Bit he isnt responsible for anything else.

IME and IMO many 'leavers' are deep down aware quite how shitty and poor their behaviour is and are ashamed which is why they often disappear quite as comprehensively as they do

IME and IMO many 'leavers' are deep down aware quite how shitty and poor their behaviour is and are ashamed which is why they often disappear quite as comprehensively as they do

I pretty much think it's a lot to do with being ashamed too, but I don't understand why he was communicating and saying he would pay me (even though he never did actually pay me) and even sent me a happy birthday text after I was diagnosed, and then suddenly out of nowhere just up and disappeared.

When you don't have kids together, there's no reason to maintain contact with an EX.

It could also be that he feels guilty now you're ill.

As you're still legally married, make sure you have a will so he doesnt get anything of yours.

Totally irrelevant to your question (sorry) but situations like yours make me think “thank god for the NHS and a social safety net.”

He’s been a shit to you. Basic human decency would dictate he at least doesn’t make your life harder than it needs to be. I don’t know what to suggest, other than perhaps IM him on social media and explain the situation as dispassionately as possible and ask him to divorce you.

Yes, basic human decency - it boggles my mind that he could be so cruel. It's not like I was being difficult or playing the woman scorned. I was perfectly civil and kind the whole time.

To everyone saying there's no reason to have contact with an ex - yes, I understand that. But we are not divorced yet and he didn't want to use a lawyer and wanted to handle it himself, so you would think he would keep lines of communication open until a divorce is final.

And as Changedname said, it's just basic human decency that a person who was such a significant part of my entire adult life would at the very least not make my life harder when I'm dealing with stage 4 cancer.

When I was first diagnosed almost a year ago, I very respectfully and matter of factly explained the situation to him in my very last email to him (he's since stopped using that email address). He did not reply. A month later he texted me happy birthday. I said thank you. That was the last I ever heard from him. Now I have no way to get in touch with him. I can see him on Twitter but he doesn't allow direct messages to his account. Otherwise I have no avenue of communication with him.

I think he's probably deeply ashamed of his behaviour and is sticking his head in the sand by ignoring you.

If it's any consolation, I doubt he feels at peace with himself regarding his behaviour.

TBH, I wouldn't waste a penny if my money divorcing him. Spend what money you do have on yourself.

Even if I had any more money to spend, I wouldn't spend another dime on trying to divorce him. I've already spent too much and gotten nowhere.

And I don't feel bad saying I hope he's NOT at peace and I hope he is tormented by guilt, but I really don't think he is. I think he's pushed all thought of me and what he's done right out of his mind. And he keeps constantly busy so he doesn't have to ever think about what he's done or his old life.

It’ll get him in the end. You can never run away from those feelings. Unless you’re a psychopath

You are still married but very very sick...

Do you think there's any chance he has taken out life insurance on you? And if you divorce, he will lose his chance to claim?

I doubt it because it's nearly impossible to take out life insurance on someone without them knowing about it.

My first thought was also financial. Is he hoping to inherit something from you? By disappearing and not allowing you to divorce him, he'll presumably inherit everything?

I have literally nothing for him to inherit. When I die, he gets nothing. Except, still being my legal spouse, maybe responsibility for paying my mounting medical bills.

It's quite common. Many people can't deal with negative emotions/situations and just leave/disappear. During low points in your life, you have less “friends”. Probably why he’s avoiding you, especially seeing he behaved in an immoral manner. Let him (and the divorce) be and focus on your health. He doesn’t appear to be a good person.

How much of your money did he lose on the pyramid scheme? I imagine that’s why he has disappeared. He doesn’t want you to be able to pursue him for the assets that he lost. If some of that money was yours and he spent it without your knowledge then you surely could sue him?

You were together for 20 years but as you had no kids, were there any sacrifices made by you?

He no longer loves you or wants to be with you and is happy with his life. I don't understand if there are no kids or finances involved why he won't divorce you and you, what's the hurry if it doesn't affect your life in any way? Why did you spend £6k trying to divorce him? Would you be liable in any way for any of his debts in the future? What does your lawyer say?

Can you be positive that in those 20 years there was no life insurance at all? Especially ones that can't be 'cashed in' until one person dies (they tend to be quite cheap and things that you take out very casually in the first flush of love).

Does he have all the paperwork? I'm sorry, but this is the only reason I can think for him not wanting to divorce you...

I'm really sorry about your health. Please try to focus on yourself, your health and your happiness.

He has been gone three years now. The reality of life is people get to end relationships, to move on, they can focus on themselves, as he is doing, it's time for uou to do the same.

Clearly he should have enabled a divorce, it's weird he hasn't. But really don't focus on it. It's not going to do you any good. Please just focus on yourself 💐

You were together for 20 years but as you had no kids, were there any sacrifices made by you?

What a horrible thing to say.

And p.s. the sacrifice made by me was NOT having children because he decided he didn't want them.

Oh, and supporting him for several years, paying ALL the bills while he made zero money pursuing a career dream that he then gave up on.

And supporting him through every life change, car accident, family tragedy...

Were there any sacrifices made in a 20 year relationship? Are you kidding me?

Zaphodsotherhead, I understand your line of thought now that I'm sick, but he was also avoiding divorce for almost 2 years before I got cancer, when there was absolutely no thought that I would get sick and no possibility that I might die young.

If I do a DIY divorce, I have no way to enforce any financial agreement.

He pays nothing for me. We have no property. No kids. No assets.

If you have no property and no children, why should he support you now he is with someone else?

I get that would be a kind thing to do, but your relationship is over. He doens't care and isn't kind.

I'm not sure what people are not understanding about
a) we were together for 20 years, building a life together
b) he blew all of our money and left me with no home, money or life insurance.

All of you who are responding by saying, "Hey, he doesn't love you, he moved on, so what" make me question my faith in humanity.

We were married. Our life was completely intertwined as we were a married couple building a life and planning for a future together. and behind my back, he was doing things that dramatically affected MY life. He was making decisions without my knowledge that, if I had known about them, would have led to me making much different decisions for my life. Instead, I'm left with nothing because of his choices that I knew nothing about.

And even leaving that aside, when you spend 20 years with someone and they get stage 4 cancer, if you have a drop of basic human decency, you don't vanish and leave them married to your ghost.

And yes, I have cancer, but I could very well get to a place where I want to date again in the future. And I don't want to have to explain to prospective mates that I'm still married to a man who just up and walked away.

Marriage is a commitment and a joining of two lives and leaving a marriage is not like being 19 and breaking up with your boyfriend/girlfriend. WTF with all the "he's entitled to a happy life" comments - I pray to God none of you ever experience anything close to this situation. I'm sure you'll all change your tune fast if someone ever deceives you, leaves you completely destitute and you have to struggle to rebuild your entire life while they walk off into the sunset unscathed.

Op, I think I understand why you're angry with him.

But it's been three years now and you're ill. Being angry about his behaviour and his treatment of you is not going to change anything and isn't healthy. It really is time to focus on you.

Focus on getting better then divorce him. You'll be able to track him down and get it done. Until then let it go. I doubt there is any money there, he's probably vanished for reasons unrelated to you, as in more financial trouble or something. You can't get blood out a stone. So for your sake, let it go and focus on yourself, and come back to it when the time is right. This isn't that time.

I would be fucking furious with him. Anger is good, but only for you to see the truth of how he treated you.
If you hadn’t got so ill, I imagine you wouldn’t be so angry, they’re intrinsically linked sadly.
We think people will be there for us when the shit hits the fan, if they’ve meant something to us in our lives.
But he is basically a coward and doesn’t want to even confront what’s happening to you, probably because it makes him feel so shit.
He would have felt a lot better if you’d have swiftly moved on and then he could absolve all responsibility for his actions. This hasn’t happened primarily due to getting cancer I would think.
Someone said to me once, if you’re a good person, you struggle to see how others can be so careless with your feelings and your heart, you wouldn’t have done what he’s done, that’s clear. But this is who he is sadly.

I hope you get better and I hope you can meet someone who deserves someone as nice as you.

I totally get why you are angry at him and I also don't understand how someone can stop caring after being in a 20 year relationship, kids or no kids. I was with my ex for 25 years and despite leaving him I will always care about him and want him to be ok. I can't imagine ever cutting him off.

I hope you get better OP, you sound lovely