Why do leavers get to be happy?

[user1471984747]

My husband left me almost 3 years ago but never filed for divorce. He never showed ANY signs of being a narcissist or anything during our almost 2 decades together. We have no kids. He lives with another woman across the country, has a new job that he loves and his life seems to be going well. He would communicate with me every so often but always avoided dealing with the legal part. I was just about to file for divorce last year when I got diagnosed with cancer and have been battling it ever since.

I didn't contact him when I was diagnosed or after because he's with another woman and so he's no longer my go-to person for support. He contacted me once by text right after he found out I was diagnosed (on my birthday) and I thanked him for the text and I haven't heard from him since. That was 10 months ago. He's since even changed his phone number and email address. We're still married and I have no way to reach him.

I've been concentrating on my health and now I don't have any money left to continue trying to divorce someone who isn't participating in the process at all. (I looked into legal aid, but since we have no kids and I'm not a victim of domestic violence, there's nothing available to me.) I'm now destitute, barely able to work, living with a relative, fighting advanced cancer and of course still hurting over being completely discarded and abandoned.

I have no way to communicate with him but I know he's alive because his new partner posts things about them on social media and I see him often tweeting about sports and music and other things on Twitter as if all is well.

We had a good marriage - not perfect, but it was good. I accepted that he doesn't love me anymore and he is with someone else, but I thought after almost 20 years together, he at least cared about me. He hasn't helped me out financially and since I've been sick he hasn't even asked how I'm doing. Instead he did the unthinkable and completely vanished when I got sick.

I'll admit, it hurts to just be completely erased from his life as if I never mattered. I don't know what he's thinking by vanishing. Does he think I'll stay married to a ghost forever? And why does he get to live a good life with his new "love" while my life is literally falling apart?

Thank you for the responses. I didn't mean to sound so angry, but the responses that say "He doesn't want to be with you and he doesn't care about you after 20 years, and so what if he damaged your life, he should get to be happy, and why should he have to support you, you don't even have kids" were getting to me.

I can't think of a single reason why I would not care about him if he had cancer, even after all he's done to me and the way he's treated me.

Don't let it get to you. it's just people on the internet. and having children is irrelevant to whether you can still care for someone if they get ill.

you are a better person than him, and he probably knows it.

xxx

OP I think part of the reason you've had the responses you have is the title of your thread.

Plenty of people have been leavers, thought badly of by others who don't know or care for the truth.

You made it about him but you've had good advice not to focus on him, that's not going to help you.

the sacrifice made by me was NOT having children because he decided he didn't want them.

I'm really sorry for the situation with your illness, but something as important as having children should have been discussed and agreed on before marriage.

If you agreed not to have children, that was your choice.

I know that there's no man in the world I would have married if he didn't want children. If he changed his mind after marriage, I would have divorced him.

SandyY2K, you say that with such ease - "I would have divorced him."

We did discuss children. As with all things, as time went on, things happened in our lives and he changed his mind about having children.

I was 38 when he changed his mind. I also loved him with all my heart. I had to make a very hard choice: leave at age 38 and hope to find someone I love who also would love and want to have children, or stay with the man I had already been with for 15 years and loved very much.

So I stayed. If you were in my position, it would not be an easy choice. It is the choice I made myself, yes, and I am responsible for it. But please don't say it as though it was a simple choice.

It was a very hard choice and it certainly was a sacrifice on my part.

Sorry for what you are going through. Asking how he can do this to you and basically " erase" you is pretty normal.However..he would have emotionally checked out of your marriage long before he split with you.It wouldn't be overnight. People can and do change. My ex finished with me after a few years. I was blindsided. He admitted he'd been revving up to do it for ages and wheras I was a total mess and in shock, he was calm as anything and blocked me immediately. I never heard from him again. He hasn't suddenly fallen out of love it's been coming a long time, you just didn't know it. Try to focus on yourself now. It hurts but you need to let go.

Well, if he had that long to think about it, he should have been prepared to divorce me. Instead of just disappearing like some old cliche of a man who goes out for cigarettes and never comes back.

You don't leave a marriage by simply walking out the door, moving to another state, changing your phone number and never speaking to your spouse again.

Am so very sorry 😐

You don't need him to care, you need to focus on yourself and your health. You can rant and vent away here as much as you need, but you don't need him. You're making it through a horrible time and you're still here, if that doesn't tell you how strong you are then I don't know what will. Take care please

Well tbh if I were the kind of person that had treated someone as shittily as he has done to you - I'd have gone no contact too - I'd be scared of the recriminations and wouldn't want to know/see the damage I'd done.

Sorry you''re in this situation .

You don't leave a marriage by simply walking out the door, moving to another state, changing your phone number and never speaking to your spouse again

But to be fair here, that's not what he did. You were still in contact up until ten months ago, and that was over two years since you split up.

Okay, fair point, but for the first 2 years he barely communicated and wouldn't respond to anything to do with a divorce. So he might as well have vanished.

He spent the 2 years after the split cooling off contact, and actively distancing himself. Nothing about that says he would be prepared re-involve himself now.
He isn't worth a minute of you time.

I am sorry you are going through this, it's a rotten thing.

Are you angry with yourself? It’s an important question to ask
Sometimes we give too much to others, when they don’t do the same back and we end up angry with our own choices

Sorry, when I asked if you'd made any sacrifices it was a genuine question, not a dig. I'd be so hurt and angry that I'd forgone having children because of him and then he would leave when I could no longer have them.

I have made some incredibly stupid decisions with each of my long term relationships that once they were finished I couldn't believe that I'd let them or continued to be in a relationship with them.

Please look after yourself, concentrate on getting better because all this anger towards him isn't hurting him, he is unaware, it is just hurting yourself. You sound like a lovely lady and I'm sure that once you're better you'll go on to have a wonderful life. Take care

Op. But that's normal when a couple split and there are no children. Not normal on the divorce, I grant you, but normal for the communication to be very limited to non existent at best.

I don't understand why you think he should have been in contact with you during that period. Or to re engage now. The relationship,has been over for 3 years. Other than to instruct a solicitor for divorce, no contact is normal.

I'd assume he simply could not afford to divorce so he didn't.

Bluntness, when did I say I thought he should have been in contact in the past? I said he should have divorced me, or left an open line of communication until the divorce was final.

And I never said I expected him to come flying to my side when I got sick and act like a caring friend. I did expect at least a "how are you doing?" from the person I spent two decades with, and I don't know anyone who thinks it's normal for him to have disappeared when I got sick. It's not normal to stop caring about about a person you shared a life with who is very sick, and I feel sorry for anyone who thinks it's normal to just stop caring altogether.

No longer loving someone is very, very, very different than no longer caring about that person on any level whatsoever.

I never said I expected him to text me to say hello or ask about my day or send me jokes or tell me about what he had for dinner.

I expected the bare minimum of being a decent human being, which is to behave like an adult and communicate instead of pretending I don't exist, divorce me instead of just leaving and pretending our marriage never happened, and to show a tiny spec of empathy for my very, very serious illness.

That's not expecting too much. That's how decent human beings treat each other. And that's what my husband was up until 3 years ago.

@Bluntness100
So having children together is the only reason you think you should continue to care about someone ?!

Also Bluntness, it may be normal in your eyes, but it's not normal for me. It's not that I'm calling him and asking him to chit chat or be friends and he's not responding. It IS normal for couples to stop that kind of thing when they separate/divorce.

He's not communicating about divorce issues - what address to send things to, where is some of our belongings currently being stored, information we need for each other's taxes...

Eight faces, ehrm reread, I said the only reason to stay in contact with an ex it wasn't about caring

Op. You're clearly very angry indeed. I think all we can do is urge you to focus on yourself, your health and your happiness, but I guess if you could do that you would, 💐

OP you're attacking (in an agressive manner) those who are just trying help you understand that when a relationship ends ultimately the best thing is to go no contact as it really does help both parties move on. Even people with children have gone no or very limited contact.

Gosh with your attitude in this thread it's not hard to see why he left you and won't remain in contact. You're going through an extremely difficult time BUT FOCUS ON YOURSELF BECAUSE HE ISN'T FOCUSING ON YOU! Truth is he doesn't care or love you (anymore) to bother about you and you need to learn to do the same.

You only get one life and you're going to waste it bothering about him when he clearly isn't doing the same. I think you should seek counselling. Take it however you want and have a go at me but it won't change anything or the fact he's left, moved on, doesn't care and isn't coming back. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings but sometimes the cold hard truth is what we need. Please stop wasting time bothering about him and over analysing his actions or should I say lack of. He's simply not worth it. Hope you are able to eventually move on and be happy.

@CranberryVodka
Holy shit
I hope when you get cancer people are as empathetic as you are

@eightfacesofthemoon

So you think it's better for her to spend her time focusing on her ex instead of herself. What type of person are you wishing cancer on someone. You have no idea what I've been through regarding illness and an ex so I actually have a similar experience to the OP and I had to be hard on myself and toughen up otherwise I'd have driven myself crazy over him and wasted YEARS focusing on him. I'm trying to help the OP out.

Anyway this is this last I'll say on this topic because apparently im being rude:

TO THE OP: There is no point in trying to understand his actions because if he really cared he'd have gotten in touch etc but he hasn't. All this overthinking isn't helping you, again i think counselling would be beneficial for you. Maybe join a class, group or activity and meet new people. As it's possible you feel lonely and left behind while he's gone off and it's getting you down. I think this is more than about him not contacting you because he doesn't care. You need to find things to do to occupy your time so you won't think about him as much then one day you won't think about him at all. Don't keep wasting your time on him. It's completely up to you what you do anyway. Good luck

@cranberryvodka
I didn’t wish cancer on you, I was attempting to highlight how you might feel if you were so horrendously unlucky to have such a horrific thing happen to you. And if you have had cancer, then it makes what you said a thousand times worse

You QUOTE
Gosh with your attitude in this thread it's not hard to see why he left you and won't remain in contact.

Perhaps one of the worst things I’ve EVER heard someone say to a cancer victim on here EVER

CranberryVodka, the only people I have been snippy with are the ones who keep insisting that I am waiting for my husband to come back.

Would you like to have stage 4 cancer, have a completely unstable living situation, a completely unclear future and still have a divorce hanging over your head?
I haven't been aggressive. I've simply noted what I've seen, which is some comments on this thread seem to lack empathy (and respect for the actual legalities of marriage) when they say "F it, your husband was done with you so he walked out and left, he owes you nothing because you didn't bear his children, oh, and quit whining that he didn't bother to divorce you, he deserves to just walk out and leave you legally married for however long he feels like it while he searches for happiness elsewhere."