OH's day off work - AIBU/WWYD?

[Glitzleco]

(NC'd)

OH and I both get 25 days leave a year.

He's had some unforeseen family stuff that has taken him away for 20 days of it already this year. I have been at home looking after the house and pets while he's been off (no kids), so still have the bulk of my leave left. To be clear, I've no problem with him helping his folks, just the way it is.

But it means he only has 5 days left till end of the year, not counting the fact he's also got a longstanding fun commitment booked (before the family issue cropped up) across the entire August BH weekend too, so we don't even have that we could add 1-2 days onto.

He's now said that he is taking another one of his remaining days off next week, to go and do a hobby by himself. He'll take all day to do it and it is below zero on my interest list so me going would be pretty annoying for both of us. I have a nagging suspicion that it will overrun and need another day to follow up as well too.

In the overall circumstances, and with his limited amount of leave left for us to have some downtime together, would you find that un/reasonable?

(So as not to dripfeed, we do have a trip in early 2019, which will use 11 days leave for both of us. And his work shuts down over Christmas so that isn't an issue either)

Do you have days off in the week or weekends off together?

OP - this just sounds a bit controlling and needy.

He spent a lot of his leave helping some family issue - which I presume wasn’t fun for him.
And now - he can’t have a day spent on his hobby?

What’s stopping you from doing lots of fun things together on all the days you live together, and all the weekends?

You say that you don’t mind him helping his family - yet you mention that you had to take care of house/pets all on your own as if it’s some sort of a sacrifice.
It almost sounds like you feel he has to pay you back in some way.
Say, by dedicating all his free time to you?

I'm not sure why you think it's unreasonable for him to use his holiday time to do something he enjoys?

I'm assuming you see each other every night and at weekends?

Yes, we have weekends.

Weekdays are usually just get in-dinner-bed (long commute each end of the day), so we basically run on autopilot Mon-Fri!

I'm struggling because I know the family stuff has been a bit difficult to manage, but at the same time, we are also a unit, and that needs to be considered as well.

(His hobby thing is not urgent or time dependant at all, it can easily wait weeks, months, years. He says he told me about it before but I have no recollection at all.)

In that case, yes I think you're being unreasonable.

He had a family thing.
Why exactly are YOU struggling?

As you have no kids yet you could make more of your evenings. Many people have long commutes and still do things. You have your weekends together.

Family stuff/crises are just that and you can't really complain about those.

On the plus side you have lots of holiday to use up - treat yourself to time away alone or with girlfriends.

It may well be that I am just irrationally feeling a bit pushed aside as all the family stuff has happened in a short space of time.

But I don't think it is unreasonable to want to spend more than 48hrs at a time off with your partner, so I'm not sure I agree that that is "needy and controlling".

And now I have 20-odd days of leave that otherwise we would have done trips or stuff together which I'll be by myself for. Yes of course I am a big girl and can fill the time up, but just would have preferred to see the man I love for a bit more time, and was feeling that his using up another of his extremely limited remaining days was a bit off.

However another POV is always good so thank you all for the thoughts.

Yabu then I'm afraid. You have every weekend off to do things, and no kids! As well as a holiday in October and Xmas leave together. Really don't see an issue.

Sounds like he needs down time from the family stuff as well but has handily compartmentalised it so that having that hobby time doesn't feel like he's taking time from you.

Is there any way he can 'buy' more annual leave with his company or take some time off unpaid so you guys can do something together?

I disagree with most previous posters. It sounds like you are not high on his list of priorities and he is assuming you are the default for looking after your pets.

How is your relationship generally?

I don’t understand when people are called needy for wanting to spend time with their partner. Even though we have weekends together I’d feel a bit down if dh has used up all his holiday forcwhstever reason and we weren’t getting a proper break together. Wekkrmds arenr always time for fun a lot of them is spent catching up on laundry, diy jobs and loads of other things we don’t have time for during the week so our annual leave for at least one decent period a year is pretty precious when we are both busy and he in particular does such long hours.

Dh wouldn’t use a day in this way he just wouldn’t when he had so little left because he must be needy too and wants us to spend time together and have a proper break and get away from the house for a few days.

Nothing in October @RestingBitchFaced? We don't go away till early March.

And Christmas is tricky. For various reasons I'll have to be working (only on the end of email/phone) so we'll probably spend part of it apart with various relatives spread across the country so will only have 1 or 2 days then too. This year we had our Christmas Day on New Year's Eve!

@regularbutpanickingabit you might be onto something there. He doesn't have the option of buying extra/taking unpaid unfortunately.

Thanks again - it's good to hear objective comments.

I assume the family stuff is something stressful and difficult like Illness, not enormous organisational effort for spoilt sister who hates you etc. If im Correct, given you have weekends Christmas and an early 2019 holiday id limit myself to saying I hope you don’t need a second day of leave for this, you don’t have much left and I’ve missed spending time with you this year, it would be nice to do something together.

You should definitely say something clear like the above though so he knows where you stand.

Sorry mis-read re October holiday, don't know where I got that from. Can see it's next year

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea How is your relationship generally?
It's good. We are both generally happy and get along well - when he was away he had to go somewhere really cold and would spend ages standing outside in below-freezing temps just because that was the only place he could get a signal because he wanted to speak to me each day. I'm not concerned about "us", I suppose I'd just like more of it!

@LooksBetterWithAFilter Wekkrmds arenr always time for fun a lot of them is spent catching up on laundry, diy jobs and loads of other things we don’t have time for during the week
Yes, pretty much!

so our annual leave for at least one decent period a year is pretty precious
I think that's it. Yes I see him every day, but it always takes a few days to decompress properly from work, and just spend time with each other and no need to worry about the looming Monday!

@timeisnotaline I assume the family stuff is something stressful and difficult like Illness, not enormous organisational effort for spoilt sister who hates you etc.
It's part and part. The main catalyst was indeed illness, but added to by some very difficult family members just making it a much bigger PITA that it needed to be.

id limit myself to saying I hope you don’t need a second day of leave for this, you don’t have much left and I’ve missed spending time with you this year, it would be nice to do something together.
Yes, good advice and nicely worded, thank you.

I would love to have 20 days holiday to myself! The bliss of being able to just sit and ignore life, read, travel solo, anything where I don't have to interact with others except by my choice.

I recognise I may be unusual in this respect.

I'm struggling because I know the family stuff has been a bit difficult to manage, but at the same time, we are also a unit, and that needs to be considered as well.

Then as a unit, surely you could have gone with him to help with family stuff? Surely he'd have appreciated that a lot, and made time for just the two of you?

Not trying to be mean, and it's all too late now, just actually seeing this from his point of view.

YANBU - it's a bit bloody rude to leave you with all this leave and no one to take it with because he's used his all up for himself and his family! The family stuff, not such an issue because obvs he couldn't help that - but the rest of it? Rude.

I think this year you might just have to work with what you have. I’d be a bit unhappy about the one day that then make it impossible to take a holiday together for potentially a full working week and 2 weekends. But under the circumstances I think you should consider how much you do have time to spend together (evenings and weekends) and accept that the family stuff was unlicky and unavoidable and not make a big deal about it.

You have every weekend and no kids!

OH and I are lucky if we get to spend 3 hours with each other twice a month.

I can see why you’re bothered. It would annoy me too if my DP had used the majority of his time off elsewhere, without giving much thought to spending time with me. Having weekends is nice, but two days isn’t really long enough even for a short trip to Europe, let alone time to actually unwind.

Without knowing how vital the time spent with his family was, it’s difficult to say whether it’s you or he who is being unreasonable, but it’s definitely worth pointing out beforehand that if his hobby thing takes an extra day it only leaves you with 3 days for the rest of the year and to ask how he plans to make some time for you as a couple. It’s important to invest time in each other for the relationship to survive.

I am sort of in a similar situation to your DP. My DP would obviously prefer I prioritise time with him- but that would be prioritising him over myself.
Being as these things are normally short lived (assuming the family thing isnt likely to take up all his leave next year, and the year after, and the year after?), I think it is probably best to just accept its been a duff year, and it'll be better next year.

Make the most of your weekends. I do think YABU.