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Original poster

OH's day off work - AIBU/WWYD?

75 replies

Glitzleco · 11/05/2018 12:59

(NC'd)

OH and I both get 25 days leave a year.

He's had some unforeseen family stuff that has taken him away for 20 days of it already this year. I have been at home looking after the house and pets while he's been off (no kids), so still have the bulk of my leave left. To be clear, I've no problem with him helping his folks, just the way it is.

But it means he only has 5 days left till end of the year, not counting the fact he's also got a longstanding fun commitment booked (before the family issue cropped up) across the entire August BH weekend too, so we don't even have that we could add 1-2 days onto.

He's now said that he is taking another one of his remaining days off next week, to go and do a hobby by himself. He'll take all day to do it and it is below zero on my interest list so me going would be pretty annoying for both of us. I have a nagging suspicion that it will overrun and need another day to follow up as well too.

In the overall circumstances, and with his limited amount of leave left for us to have some downtime together, would you find that un/reasonable?

(So as not to dripfeed, we do have a trip in early 2019, which will use 11 days leave for both of us. And his work shuts down over Christmas so that isn't an issue either)

OP posts:

Hogtini · 11/05/2018 14:46

Hopefully it's a one off and unfortunate for all that his leave has been taken up by family commitments this year but you have to admire the chap for doing that. I wouldn't begrudge him some days leave to do his hobby. Enjoy your free time too!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/05/2018 14:47

He hasn't been off on a jolly ffs he has been dealing with family illness. All he is actually having for himself is one bloody day. I would be extremely angry with my OH if he said oh sorry spending some down time withy Sweeney is far more important than helping out other family in a stressful, unexpected, couldn't be avoided event.

NWQM · 11/05/2018 14:51

I'd honestly be a little miffed too but it is just one day and so I'm assuming he has four left - I'd be saying okay but can we talk now and book things in for the other days, maybe a couple of long weekends. March is a long time away to fester on this and I'm just being honest that I probalay would a little bit too. Do make sure you don't lose all your own leave hanging about for his plans.

SoapOnARoap · 11/05/2018 15:04

OP - this just sounds a bit controlling and needy

This entirely. A lot of people would walk if given this much grief by a partner

mimibunz · 11/05/2018 15:12

Life happens. As a 'unit' lol you support each other. Obviously you want to spend time together but sometimes it can't happen that way. Be a supportive partner because maybe he's struggling too!

cheeseismydownfall · 11/05/2018 15:24

I can understand your POV OP, especially given that using one of his 5 days screws up the possibility of a week away. It would be quite different I think if he had 6 or 7 days left. It's possible that this hasn't occurred to him - my DH probably wouldn't join the dots for himself. So I'd try talking with him about it. Has he got an understanding employer? Could he approach them about taking a day or two of unpaid leave in the circumstances? Is his hobby something that he could do somewhere else - could it be incorporated into a week away somewhere while you have day at a spa, for example?

cheeseismydownfall · 11/05/2018 15:26

As always though the context is everything - if he is generally thoughtless about your needs then I would be pissed off. But if he is generally a kind, considerate partner who has been through something stressful and needs some time to himself to regroup, then I would try and manage my own disappointment and support him.

Helpmeplan · 11/05/2018 15:37

I have been with dp 24 years. Two grown up kids just moved out. He is a chef, I work in financial services. He works weekends and has time off in the week. We get maybe 2 hours in the evening together if we are lucky. He gets 8 days more leave than me per year.

Now he books 4 weekends per year off so that we actually get some us time and a week in June.

Dp works Christmas. My office shuts. It really is rubbish but it pays the bills, and we love each other so are protective of our time together.

I understand why you are upset. My dp is my best friend and I love just mooching around with him and the dogs.

Original poster

Glitzleco · 11/05/2018 15:40

@BlueJava I think I'd accept that this year a good joint holiday hasn't been possible but do something special for some weekends instead. I'd also book myself on a nice holiday later this year and go off and enjoy myself!

I am planning a week off early Sep (whenever it is that schools are about to return so all the European resorts are empty again). I am quite happy to be alone and draw and write, and if I can do so in warm sunshine next to the sea or a pool, then even better!

I can book time off and go anywhere, virtually same day, so fingers crossed for a late deal!

@SoapOnARoap This entirely. A lot of people would walk if given this much grief by a partner
What is "this much grief" you think I have given him? I've not said anything to him beyond supporting through the time he had to be away.

@cheeseismydownfall But if he is generally a kind, considerate partner...
He is. Without doubt. None of this is anything malicious, so really just me trying to find the best way to navigate it for both our benefit. I think he'd massively kick himself if he found out I was upset and hadn't said anything; or that he'd simply not realised it meant missing out on a week away etc.

OP posts:

clyde5591 · 11/05/2018 15:49

Its been a tough year for both of you:
DP has been under a lot of family stress due to illness which none of us can plan
You have also missed and had to cope/get on with things without him
But have to say it may not have been 'a barrel of laughs' for him either. I have recently been through family illness and debility with older family member and too be honest my DH hardly got a word as I was so tired and stressed, let alone washing, food or any time together - as we have been together some years you learn to roll with the bad times. Can understand how you feel re: extra days leave used for hobby although at the time I would have killed for a day on my own doing something for me - hope that makes sense - its sometimes you feel so pulled in every direction you just need time out.
Everyone and their family deal with these things in their own way.
Would it be possible in anyway to make your weekends together less catching up with chores and more time enjoyable together?
If finances allow -

On-line grocery and delivery
Cleaner even once a week would take the pressure off weekends
Ironing service (or maybe 2. above could help with that)

I'm sure there are many other things I haven't thought of that could make weekends more relaxing and time out for you both.

Why not make the most of your partner free leave and use it to holiday with your friends or plan your own adventure? Look on this as an opportunity to explore for yourself

Blahdeblah123 · 11/05/2018 17:56

I dont think you are being unreasonable, i would be pretty pissed off if DH did this, but I also know he wouldn't.

Have you spoken to him about it?

ChristmasAccountant · 11/05/2018 18:04

I don’t think YABU. I would be miffed as well - why can’t he do his hobby at the weekend?

Pre children we used all our holidays together. It’s nice to have an extended break together, not just 2 days where life often gets in the way.

Cannockcanring · 11/05/2018 18:08

I sympathize OP, I would feel in your position, that he was effectively deciding that he doesn't really want to go on any break withe this year. As others have pointed out though, he may just not have thought about the overall picture, and just fancies a day of his hobby, without realising he's leaving v little for time with you. Talk to him, but tell him you feel a bit disheartened about getting quality time with him, rather than being annoyed about the hobby day specifically.

rageface · 11/05/2018 18:43

YABU and need to gain some perspective. It’s one annual leave year, he hasn’t been wasting the holidays, and he still has days remaining that you can use for long weekends, as well as every weekend and evening together. How much time has he had with his friends?

I’d be pissed to the heavens if my partner grudged me a days annual leave for myself after a tough year.

bitzy12 · 11/05/2018 18:49

I haven't read all the comments but feel you are being very much unreasonable to be honest. Especially as you don't have kids. He's entitled to do what ever he likes with his time off.

If I booked a day off to go to a spa and my dh kicked up a fuss about it....well it wouldn't go down well. Though he wouldn't, he would tell me to go relax and enjoy myself. I'd flip the situation around and see how you would feel you had something planned you really wanted to do and he thought it was wrong of you.

You are getting an 11 day holiday together next year, I can't remember the last time me and dh spent 11 hours together just the 2 of us. Infact I don't think we've done that this year yet.....

shadypines · 11/05/2018 22:20

Agree with Dirtybadger to see this as a one off duff year. There wasn't much he could do about his family situation.That said, I just wonder what you have discussed on this? I would be disappointed if my DH didn't at least acknowledge that it was a shame we had had hardly any proper break together. But does he know how you feel or are you expecting him to mind read at all?

If it were me with all that time to myself then I'd just use to do something nice for me either at home or away somewhere, just try and accept it for what it is and use it positively. March will be here soon enough and I hope you have a fab holiday

AnaViaSalamanca · 11/05/2018 22:48

I haven't read the full thread, but OP I think this is just a difference between your personalities. Like your DP I like to have some alone time sometimes and OH always wants to spend his time with me (initially it used to create tension in our relationship). Fortunately he is busier so I get to have my alone time these days, but I think in your partner's case you need to give him some time to do what he wants to do rather than trying to plan and manage all his free time. After all it's not like he is leaving you alone every weekend. Intimacy is not about the length of time but also how deep you go, sometimes a 2 hour dinner can bring you closer together than two entire days.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 11/05/2018 23:00

YANBU. My DH would never use up leave which we could use for a holiday together for anything else, unless absolutely necessary. And neither would I, especially if we could only manage one week away together in the year.

MiniMum97 · 12/05/2018 00:11

I think he is unreasonable. You need AT LEAST a week off together as a family. Weekends are not the same as a proper holiday.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/05/2018 00:20

You need AT LEAST a week off together as a family.

Why, I much prefer weekend/mid week breaks away. Works for us and we are quite happy with it.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 12/05/2018 09:59

Let him go on his day out. It breeds resentment. Do something for yourself and show him what he's missing. Be carefree.

scottishdiem · 12/05/2018 15:13

Let him go on his day out. It breeds resentment.

This.

I mean I do get that people should like to spend time together and some people dont rate childless evenings weekends for whatever reason.

But, and its a big one.

The OP cant even give her DP a single bloody day without being upset that its not with her.......

If that was me, after a hard year to date and a nice long holiday planned already I would be gutted that I could not get time to myself.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 12/05/2018 15:38

We always use some annual leave to do things alone or with friends, I'd not be with somebody who dictated how I should spend my time off. It's controlling in the extreme.

Being child free is the best time to enjoy annual leave as after that it's very different for a good few years.

Angelf1sh · 12/05/2018 16:34

It’s one day. He’s got 4 left. Why not book 4 long weekends away between now and Christmas? It’ll stop you worrying that he isn’t committed to you and you’ll feel much better than having one week off with him being slightly resentful that he couldn’t spend one day doing something for himself instead of his family. Additionally, as you’ve got quite a bit of extra leave yourself you could take the odd weekday off (a Friday is better) so that you could have dinner/takeaway ready for when he gets in from work and that will give you a bit more time to do something together with your evening.

Ultimately it’s happened so you’ll just have to suck it up.

Original poster

Glitzleco · 13/05/2018 12:32

Further thanks for the replies. I apologise if I wasn't clear but there seem to be several pp who think I am seeking to control every waking second of OH's entire annual leave, when the reality of this particular situation is somewhat different.

We have had a chat about it and his rationale was that he was doing this one day, then saving all the other days to carry them over to next year - as he was aware that this year had been a bit crap, so he wanted to make sure he had enough for us to have multiple decent breaks together and time for our own things (which again is not something I ever said I would be against).

I appreciate all the replies showing the wide range of opinions.

OP posts:

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