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Original poster

OH's day off work - AIBU/WWYD?

75 replies

Glitzleco · 11/05/2018 12:59

(NC'd)

OH and I both get 25 days leave a year.

He's had some unforeseen family stuff that has taken him away for 20 days of it already this year. I have been at home looking after the house and pets while he's been off (no kids), so still have the bulk of my leave left. To be clear, I've no problem with him helping his folks, just the way it is.

But it means he only has 5 days left till end of the year, not counting the fact he's also got a longstanding fun commitment booked (before the family issue cropped up) across the entire August BH weekend too, so we don't even have that we could add 1-2 days onto.

He's now said that he is taking another one of his remaining days off next week, to go and do a hobby by himself. He'll take all day to do it and it is below zero on my interest list so me going would be pretty annoying for both of us. I have a nagging suspicion that it will overrun and need another day to follow up as well too.

In the overall circumstances, and with his limited amount of leave left for us to have some downtime together, would you find that un/reasonable?

(So as not to dripfeed, we do have a trip in early 2019, which will use 11 days leave for both of us. And his work shuts down over Christmas so that isn't an issue either)

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 11/05/2018 14:06

I think that's it. Yes I see him every day, but it always takes a few days to decompress properly from work, and just spend time with each other and no need to worry about the looming Monday!

How it has worked out is unfortunate, but your twenty days can be used to run glorious long weekends multiple times (plus a holiday with your own family? friends?) so that you do have a genuinely decompressed weekend - he may need to fake it Grin Maybe you could have a "minibreak" where you pick him up straight from work and go to a country house hotel for long walks and lots of sex.

MrsHathaway · 11/05/2018 14:06

btw FWIW I don't think YABU but I don't think he really is either.

Original poster
Glitzleco · 11/05/2018 14:09

@SamHeughansLeftEyebrow I would love to have 20 days holiday to myself!
Wel I sort of did. I had a couple of full weeks/weekends where all I did was my work, then come home and do exactly what I pleased, when, where and how I pleased. It was a staycation every single night and weekend!

@ellaV Then as a unit, surely you could have gone with him to help with family stuff?
Unfortunately a combo of my work pressures/deadlines, cost and those difficult family members mentioned above MIL who hates me would have made it more stressful for OH. Without me he could just crack on and do what he needed to.

@Hideandgo I think this year you might just have to work with what you have.
Yes, I can't make it un-happen now, which is one of those obvious but enlightening things to realise! I mean, I could sit down and talk to him about the fact his one day has kyboshed the chance of a 9 day break with each other - he may well reconsider it. I hadn't thought about it till you pointed it out that way.

@speakout I appreciate your POV, this isn't the 4 yorkshiremen sketch.

OP posts:
SayCoolNowSayWhip · 11/05/2018 14:10

*You have every weekend and no kids!

OH and I are lucky if we get to spend 3 hours with each other twice a month.*

This.

Sorry OP but I think YABU - make the most of what you do have instead of complaining about what you don't. Personally I would LOVE to have 20 days child-free and DH-free to do whatever I want, but I need to plan my leave around school holidays.

You sound a bit entitled tbh.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/05/2018 14:10

Seriously Thumbs? taking one day for himself is rude? And why do you need to spend Christmas apart. If you need to be on the end of a phone or emails you can take that wherever you happen to be. As for visiting relatives, don't go spend time home together or visit one family this year one family next year. That really isn't difficult.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/05/2018 14:16

It looks as though he could end up with just one days leave to spend with you for the entire year. Have you asked him how he’s going to tackle that?

MrsJBaptiste · 11/05/2018 14:18

SayCool

"Sorry OP but I think YABU - make the most of what you do have instead of complaining about what you don't. Personally I would LOVE to have 20 days child-free and DH-free to do whatever I want, but I need to plan my leave around school holidays"

But you chose to have kids so you can't complain that you have to fit your leave around school holidays.

WhiteFreesias · 11/05/2018 14:23

Yanbu. That time could have been a weekend away.

I would book a trip somewhere nice with one of your friends. I love trips with friends cos it's much cheaper than going with
oh.

Travelling is your new hobby.

pigmcpigface · 11/05/2018 14:24

I'm with you 100% - I'd find that unacceptable. He's already taken up most of your family time together with this family issue of his own. You've been amazing and patient in holding the fort while he does this. Time for him to repay you for your effort. You need a break too - it's not just him that is stressed by these events and in need of a 'rest'. I think you also need to regroup as a couple after you've been under stress, not just individually.

I had a similar issue recently (which I had a thread about). I've been project managing a major build in our house all winter and DH spent the money that was supposed to be used for a much-needed holiday for both of us on MIL's birthday and a trip away with schoolfriends. We had a long, hard talk about priorities and the differential impact of collective decisions. It's led to a reprioritisation of time, which I'm really happy about.

NordicNobody · 11/05/2018 14:26

I think in your situation I wouldn't be too bothered however if you added kids into the mix I think it would be very out of order for him to take all his leave for himself (my SIL and her husband save up their leave to cover the school summer hols/ go on family holidays for example.) So I guess I have two questions - 1) is this how he does things every year, or is this year an exception due to his family stuff, and 2) are you hoping to have children in the future? Because if it's a regular thing then I wouldn't expect sweeping change once kids arrive, but if it's just this year due to family things and usually things are good between you then I think I'd let it go.

bakingdemon · 11/05/2018 14:26

I'm with you OP, I would be really sad at the implication that my DH didn't want to spend his holiday time with me. You're not going to get a proper summer holiday together if he's only going to have 3/4 days left.

Astrabees · 11/05/2018 14:28

Surely you have a hobby or passion it would be lovely to spend 20 days on by yourself. Learn to do something new, be creative, spend lots of time riding/at a spa/learning to canoe - this would be a heaven sent opportunity. Alternatively why not take a run of Fridays off as leave and have the whole house lovely and the meals sorted , shopping done etc. so that they really are quality time. Next year perhaps you could sort out a contingency plan in case there are more family problems and ring fence the family holiday for the two of you.

Wisdens · 11/05/2018 14:29

You've been amazing and patient in holding the fort while he does this.Time for him to repay you for your effort

What? Tidying up after herself and feeding the cat!

Badcat666 · 11/05/2018 14:29

Dear gods, the poor bloke has had to use up a huge chunk of his leave for a situation out of his control and he wants some "me time" and you are grumbling?

You'd go mad in my relationship then. Mr BC has a high pressure job and often pops off for a weekend away by himself (nowt fancy just chills in his comfy pants at his parents flat that they use in the week for work) so he can destress and sleep. He doesn't like to socialise much ( we are both very much comfy in our own company) and needs alone time to reset himself for another stressful week.

Do I go bonkers? Nope! Its lovely as I get me time as well and he comes home a happy bunny and back to his normal self. (Plus we video chat every now and then if he needs to talk or tell me something funny)

You have evenings and weekends together, let him have some days to do what he wants.

speakout · 11/05/2018 14:30

You've been amazing and patient in holding the fort while he does this.

That's so funny.

viques · 11/05/2018 14:33

Since he has spent a lot of his annual leave doing something he didn't particularly enjoy or want to do , and since you say your weekends are used up by doing washing shopping, cleaning etc can I suggest that you spend at least a couple of YOUR days leave doing washing, shopping cleaning etc so that for at least a few weekends you have a clear and free weekend to spend together doing exactly as you both want?

If you went away Friday night and came back late on Sunday you could have a great time together doing stuff you both want to do.

I know this goes against the MN rule of shared responsibility for domestic tasks, but in these circumstances I think it is reasonable for you to take on the task a couple of times to give you both some time together.

minipie · 11/05/2018 14:33

I'm always in the minority on these threads. I think couples should choose to spend a large portion of their free time together. If they don't then it does tend to imply they aren't a priority. But according to many on MN that makes me needy and controlling...

OP I think part of the problem is that your "time off together at some point this year" is a bit non specific, so in your OH's mind it's not going to compete with a very specific idea of "day doing hobby X next week".

I think you need to come up with a specific idea for him to consider - "Oh, I was thinking we could do a week in September together in , but if you take that day next week you won't have enough leave left."

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 11/05/2018 14:35

I can see that it might be disappointing but DH and I only take a week or two of our leave together each year anyway, we alternate on the rest to avoid having to use more paid childcare during the school holidays than we have to (no family anywhere near or in any position to help and we prefer not to make the DCs do more than a few weeks of holiday childcare). we just make the best use of the weekends etc.

minipie · 11/05/2018 14:37

That's a bit different though slightly as it's a choice made for practical reasons to benefit the DC and save money, rather than one of you choosing hobby above rare family time.

pigmcpigface · 11/05/2018 14:37

"What? Tidying up after herself and feeding the cat!"

Yes, actually! There's quite a lot of stuff that still needs doing, believe it or not. We are childless and while I'm not remotely comparing the burden of managing solo to the burden of being a single parent with kids (which is obviously a million times harer), when DH is away I do find it harder to keep up with the life admin, the washing, the cleaning, the gardening etc. etc. than when he's here helping out. Smile It's not the day-to-day stuff so much as the heavy work, like cutting hedges, digging over the allotment etc.

ReanimatedSGB · 11/05/2018 14:38

I think you have to suck it up this year, TBH. It is a bit whiny to insist that someone who is already stressed over dealing with family issues then put their own wishes aside once again to pay attention to you. He only wants a day, not a month and all your spare income.

pigmcpigface · 11/05/2018 14:38

(My current bete noire is the decorating. We have an entire house to do, and it's quite tiring on your own).

Original poster
Glitzleco · 11/05/2018 14:42

I step away for a few minutes... Grin

As per MN, a very varied range of replies. Some think I am a needy/controlling/entitled bitch troll from hell, some think I am quite reasonable.

But in all of that, there are some great objective comments and advice (on both sides) which have really helped, so thank you.

I'll have a chat with him over the weekend and see what we can work out together. I think next year may have some more illness-related ups and downs, but by talking about how we manage it now, we can be ready when they come.

OP posts:
BlueJava · 11/05/2018 14:43

I think I'd accept that this year a good joint holiday hasn't been possible but do something special for some weekends instead. I'd also book myself on a nice holiday later this year and go off and enjoy myself!

Wisdens · 11/05/2018 14:45

pigmcpigface

He's gone to help family out for 20 days during the week when he would be at work anyway.

He still has the weekends to plough the fields, trim the bush (!) or recreate the Sistine Chapel on the living room ceiling!