Stood up to mum, feeling wobbly, need reassurance

[freshstart24]

I have a tricky relationship with my mum.

As a child she was critical, a big drinker and sometimes lost control and beat me. Our relationship has cast a shadow all my life and I'm just now unpicking this with help from therapy.

I'm beginning to recognise that mum's critical voice follows me around making life quite difficult. I'm also a chronic people pleaser as I became very focussed on being good and not upsetting mum as a child.

I've begun to stick up for myself, but it is hard and uncomfortable.

My mum is having a hard time atm. She has broken her arm and is having to consider having her lovely dog pts. I'm waiting at my house for a delivery that I'm accepting on her behalf. I called her as the couriers were supposed to contact her today to give an eta. I had tried to call
them myself but they wouldn't discuss the delivery with me, said they needed to speak to mum. Without an eta I will need to hang around downstairs at home whereas I could do with hoovering, Dog walking, grocery shopping etc..

When I asked her to call the courier she made a huge deal about it insisting she wouldn't be able to get through or that they wouldn't know what time they were due etc etc.. I suggested she tried anyway and she flew off the handle as usual and put down the phone on me.

So I called couriers, pretended to be her, got the info I needed. Texted her to say all sorted and there was no need to get so annoyed with me over a 2 minute request.

Then her husband called me (she's horrid to him too), to say I needed to give her a break as she's having a hard time. I bit back maybe for the first time in my life to say there was just no need for her to get shitty with me and I wasn't taking it any more. I also said I realised she had made him call me and that wasn't acceptable either. I could hear her wailing in the background.

I now feel terrible and heartless along with a tiny bit pleased that I stood up for myself. I'm shaking with worry that I've upset the applecart.

I know this all sounds pathetic and petty but to me it's a big deal and I know I'm now likely to be unable to function properly due to fear and worry about what mum will do and how much grief she's giving her husband right now.

Can anyone reassure me or tell me what to do please.

Hi @freshstart24

Firstly, I'm really sorry you have to go through this. My best friends mum is pretty much exactly the same - worse in some ways. She's been living the way her mum has dictated for her whole life, and she's finally starting to realise the effect it's having on her.

My relationship with my mum was also difficult growing up - and being the oldest everything was 10x harder on me. I learned to put my foot down and not back down or feel bad. It's your mum at the end of the day, it's understandable that you'd be sad about it - but you're an adult now and you need to be respected by one. Your mum getting her husband to call you just shows how childish she is, and it isn't fair on you at all.

I don't know if this helps at all but I couldn't not post - stay strong and remember you have every right to not back down, and look after your own feelings xx

Ah I remember one of the times I stood up to my mum.

Cried for hours.

I get it. You have done something that needed to be done but your conditioning has meant it never happened before.

Well done. It’s a fantastic start.

My mothers voice followed me to. I began to actively tell myself to stop it. Stop myself mid thought and to force myself to think about something positive about myself instead. Worked well though took a while.

Don’t worry about her husband. He is a grown man who made his own choice. He he choose to accept or choose to leave.

You are different because you were a child being abused but the person who was supposed to protect you. You have been trained to be at her beck and call from infancy. He has not.

Have you looked at the stately homes thread?

Thank you both so much for posting and for your kind words.

I have followed the stately homes thread during tough times but never posted on it.

I'm really relieved that you don't think I've overstepped the mark. It's fair to say mum is having a tough time, but I don't think that means she should continue to be horrible when she fancies it.

I do worry about her husband. He has told me in the past how difficult things are sometimes, and made a couple of attempts to leave. Cue violent outbursts from mum, and threats to kill herself. This sends me into a tailspin of fear. I said on the phone that I'm was sure she'd made him call me which wasn't fair- he said I was wrong and he'd called of his own accord.

I'm concerned I've been horrible to her when she's already struggling. Maybe it's ok for her to get nasty as she has so much in her plate. But there is always an excuse, and she just gets so shouty and nasty....

I'm kind of stuck, literally sitting on the floor on my only day off with a massive 'to do' list that I need to get through. Sigh.

I get it.

You did right.

There'll be shit times / days, but stay calm amd reasonable and you'll start to feel better about yourself.

He called of his own accord no doubt to try and smooth things over so that he doesn't get the brunt of her mood. No concern for how you might be feeling of course.

Thanks mrsmozart not confident that I've been reasonable though under the circumstances. I am just fed up of mum
Being nasty when it suits her so I bit back- but she is having a tough time atm.

I would certainly cut a friend more slack especially when they are already struggling. But I don't think I've ever been spoken to like that by a friend.

No it ISN'T OK to get nasty. I guess we are all liable to be a bit snappy if we are under stress and pressure, and that's perfectly understandable if the rest of the time people are nice and "normal" and later apologise for snapping.

But it sounds as though nasty, shouty, snappy and manipulative is her "normal" so no need to make those allowances. Good for you - it can take a lot of guts to bite back when someone has ground you down for years, and you've taken the first step now.

We all go through horrible times. We don't all speak nastily to people and put the phone down on them. Please don't doubt yourself.

Thanks for your help mumsnet. I'm trying to feel like I did the right thing. I'm almost certain my counsellor would say I did but it's hard to shake the guilt.

Need to get over this and get on with my day. Feeling very stuck...

It's very very difficult to go against your conditioning and causes anxiety and stress. But you're doing the right thing. Give yourself some kind of reward today. And stay active physically as physical movement will help offload stress. Even if it's just tidying a cupboard.

You did the right thing. It’s ok for you to have boundaries . What you were asking her to do was quite reasonable, you are doing her a favour by waiting in for the parcel. Especially when she is clearly at her own home and could have taken delivery herself.

Gosh you have been very reasonable and patient.

You deserve respect even from your own mother.

Take control of your life back today. Open the handcuffs and throw them in the bin.

Your mother sounds abusive and controls people with her temperament so that they dare not upset her.

You don’t owe her anything especially when she treats you like this.

Don’t let this awful woman define you.

Have received a message that Mum has to have an operation to pin her broken arm on Monday and that her Dog will be pts next week also.

Not the kind of thing she could fake.....

Can anyone advise as to how I proceed from here please? Usually she refuses to talk to me when she's very angry and then I try harder and harder to reach her and eventually she speaks to me. When I've tried to do it differently and not contact her her husband calls me and says she is slipping into a depression and won't get up so I end up calling....

I do want to stop getting treated horribly by mum but she is also justified in expecting me to be there for her after her operation and to offer sincere sympathy about her Dog.

Not sure what to do?

Can you send her a message expressing your sympathy regarding the dog? Tbh she has treat you terribly throughput it your life and she has probably treat the dog nicer.

Don’t worry about it too much

If you do contact her Don’t mention the earlier thing as you’ve said your peace and she needs to accept your stance.

If you speak to her rather than text and she mentions it say: can we just move forward please. If she ignores your request and shouts at you etc simply tell her you will hang up if she continues

Thank you. I can do that. "Can we move forward please" sounds like a good phrase to use.

I think you have started the long and difficult process of detaching from her altogether. You are beginning to put boundaries in place re her and she does not like it. She will continue not to like your reasonable boundaries either. She probably has treated the dog nicer also.

Her H can look after her post op; you do not owe your mother a relationship here. You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, your mother and her H are no different here.

She was not a good parent to you when growing up and fundamentally has not changed. She continues to control you and will do so as long as you have anything to do with her, you will need to completely break away from her ultimately and that is a process that will take time because of your own fear, obligation and guilt as a result of being so conditioned. Her husband (from the way you write this I guess he is not your birth father here) is also her enabler and hatchet man here and cannot be at all relied upon either. Women like your mother always but always need a willing enabler to help them and he is fitting that bill perfectly.

Sorry about the dog, good luck with the operation.

Done.

I wouldn’t ring or offer help. You have acknowledged and wished her well.

Oh and if the husband rings and says she is going into depression, tell him she needs to go to her GP.

YOU are not responsible for her mental health.

He is not your friend.

Don't apologise for earlier, you were doing a favour and she was out of line, we'll dine for settling that boundary and don't let it be something she can bully you about again.

Separate issues with arm and dog / send your best wishes, ask if there's anything you can possibly help with - but don't make yourself too available. It's time now for you to swap places with your mum, you be the bigger adult and don't bully her, just tell her no, and set boundaries so you're not always treated poorly - perhaps even a 'listen mum, you got away with your behaviour when I was a
Kid and I didn't know how to stand up for myself, but now it's different, either behave yourself or I'm just not going to stick around you and you can fend for yourself '

Good luck - be strong from now onwards, now you've done it

Mums long suffering husband is not my dad. I like him and am hugely grateful to him for putting up with her. I live in fear of him leaving her and her falling apart which will bring out the worst of her.....

He just called to tell me in his most pissed off voice that the delivery will be in 15 minutes and then hung up. I just thanked him politely.

Another day ruined by my inability to deal with this.

Well done OP. You’ve taken a fantastic first step.

Agree with PPs that you simply message back you’re sorry to hear about the dog and to wish her well with the operation.

The dog thing is sad, but a red herring. I’ve got pets and have had operations that have been looked after by my DH while he also looked after me. It wasn’t difficult. Your Step father could do that but is clearly choosing not to. Or your DM is using the situation to make you feel guilty/simply dramatising.

As slimmers are reminded, if it takes years to gain weight it won’t come off in minutes. The same with your DMs control of you. This has happened all your life. It will take time for you to resist her fully.

Thanks machine you're right. I too have had operations and lost pets without being nasty to people- I logically know this but I still feel bad.

I can see this is going to be a long process, it's very hard because I actually feel worse for standing up to her than I would if I'd just taken it.

I've texted mum (the cowards way rather than a phone call), and said:
Delivery has arrived. Can see how angry you and [husband] are but if you speak to me like you did and put down the phone you can’t expect me not to stand up to you. Let me know if you want to get together over next few days or if there is anything at all I can to do help with arm or [dog].

I feel like the ball is in her court now so logically I should feel I can relax but I'm all over the place with worry.

This is hard. to anyone going through similar. Makes me all the more determined to rewrite the script for my own DC.

Great advice here OP - My mum is just like yours. Reading your post it is so clear how she has manipulated you, but it's also wonderful that you are starting to push back. She won't like it (mine doesn't) and will try every trick in the book to make you feel bad. Keep going with the positive thinking every time ....

If she was nicer to you, you'd be more inclined to help though, wouldn't you? So being unpleasant, however stressed she is, won't get her what she wants (ie, your attention). Can you treat her like you'd treat a badly behaved child - lots of attention and praise when she's behaving well and totally ignore her when she's stropping?

And I agree that her DH should be helping her after the operation and with the awfulness of having DDog pts. If she didn't have children he'd be having to, wouldn't he? She can't expect you to drop everything for her, she's an adult. And if she starts the manipulative 'falling into depression', I echo a PP who said you just tell her DH that she needs to see her GP. You are not responsible for her mental health, her physical health or, indeed, anything at all.

freshstart

Re your comment:-

"He just called to tell me in his most pissed off voice that the delivery will be in 15 minutes and then hung up. I just thanked him politely".

Well done. He is truly not your friend here either. He puts up with your mother perhaps because he is in many ways just like she is. Either that or he is himself weak, he is certainly her willing enabler. If he were to leave her eventually that would not be your fault in any way either.

You do not owe these two people anything let alone any further help or a relationship here. You are not responsible for any aspect of their health or lives.