Stood up to mum, feeling wobbly, need reassurance

[freshstart24]

I have a tricky relationship with my mum.

As a child she was critical, a big drinker and sometimes lost control and beat me. Our relationship has cast a shadow all my life and I'm just now unpicking this with help from therapy.

I'm beginning to recognise that mum's critical voice follows me around making life quite difficult. I'm also a chronic people pleaser as I became very focussed on being good and not upsetting mum as a child.

I've begun to stick up for myself, but it is hard and uncomfortable.

My mum is having a hard time atm. She has broken her arm and is having to consider having her lovely dog pts. I'm waiting at my house for a delivery that I'm accepting on her behalf. I called her as the couriers were supposed to contact her today to give an eta. I had tried to call
them myself but they wouldn't discuss the delivery with me, said they needed to speak to mum. Without an eta I will need to hang around downstairs at home whereas I could do with hoovering, Dog walking, grocery shopping etc..

When I asked her to call the courier she made a huge deal about it insisting she wouldn't be able to get through or that they wouldn't know what time they were due etc etc.. I suggested she tried anyway and she flew off the handle as usual and put down the phone on me.

So I called couriers, pretended to be her, got the info I needed. Texted her to say all sorted and there was no need to get so annoyed with me over a 2 minute request.

Then her husband called me (she's horrid to him too), to say I needed to give her a break as she's having a hard time. I bit back maybe for the first time in my life to say there was just no need for her to get shitty with me and I wasn't taking it any more. I also said I realised she had made him call me and that wasn't acceptable either. I could hear her wailing in the background.

I now feel terrible and heartless along with a tiny bit pleased that I stood up for myself. I'm shaking with worry that I've upset the applecart.

I know this all sounds pathetic and petty but to me it's a big deal and I know I'm now likely to be unable to function properly due to fear and worry about what mum will do and how much grief she's giving her husband right now.

Can anyone reassure me or tell me what to do please.

Is it just me but some of these experiences and stories just sound very typical of ageing parents ? I see SO much on MN if this ‘stuff’ and everyone gets stuck in about ‘NC’ (only recently worked out what the hell that means) Just had dinner with a group of girlfriends - we are late to mid 40’s, all have kids, mixture of single, divorced. We could all ( ;and did) roll out v similar stories, stories that have been going on a long time and we just get on with it, roll eyes, get pissed off but Get on with it. There but for the grace of god go I in twenty years when we’ll probably be acting the same way they are now. And before anyone says I don’t know what I’m talking about, I do, one parent dead, an abusive alcoholic (but I loved him very much) and one v much alive mum (been remarried for last 25 years) who does many similar misdemeanours/has same traits listed here - but she ain’t gonna change and I have a life to live. And I love her, warts and all. We are all imperfect. Just get on with it and save the NC for those truly awful, abusive parents l, FFS

I agree with much of what Lily says. I also think there is too much amateur psychiatry wherein too many things are traced back to one-off events in childhood.
Some people have traumatic childhoods, and we should always recognise this, however too many threads on here involve the normal crankiness that comes with family and does not warrant over-analysis.

If you two would like to start a discussion with the relationship board about how NC is the ‘easy’ solution then go ahead.

However, this thread is not the place to plant your flag. The OP had not had to deal with this behaviour in the last few years as her mother has aged, but has been dealing with mental and emotional abuse from a woman who was supposed to protect her ALL her life.

Your argument does not work here.

Also remember that the relationship board is for people who have problems with a relationship. People who don’t have problems don’t come here. In fact, they probably don’t even know it exists. You are only seeing a small number of the hundreds of thousands of people out there who have zero idea of what it it like to feel their mothers hatred or indifference.

By the time people find this place, they are so desperate for help that the people who have already endured this pain can help them see through the FOG (look it up) and help them understand that they do not deserve this treatment. It’s is not their fault and they are allowed to say no more.

Having had my fair share of ‘she means well, but she is your Mum, your will miss her when she is gone’ it was such a relief to realise that actually she doesn’t mean well, she may be my mother in name but not in word or deed and that I certainly don’t miss her presence in my life.

So start your own thread about how aging parents are a pain, but you wouldn’t go NC with them. Or ask your question about whether or not it is an easy option. But don’t bring it here.

Btw. NC is the last option for us and comes after years and years of trying to make your mother love you and show you respect. If my mother has laid a foundation of love and support in my childhood and early adulthood, then I would be able to understand and mourn the loss of My mum. But instead, i mourn the mother I never had.

Great post AussieBean

Well said Aussie

Thank you aussiebean.

I think the two posters suggesting I suck it up maybe have a very different idea of a difficult relationship with a parent than my experience.

Maybe they were able to cope with these difficulties better than me, but in my case they have cast a shadow over much of my life.

The difficulties were not 'one offs' I was beaten quite frequently other with whatever implement came to hand including bottles. The beatings were lengthy, and sometimes started whilst I was asleep in bed.

I was abandoned several times for days whilst mum chased her partner of the time because he'd left her.

I was locked in my room and the shed for less than perfect exam results.

I was punched in the face in the car for being 'quiet', which was the only thing I dare do for fear of upsetting my mum.

To the poster who suggested that we will all probably repeat this stuff ourselves as we get older let me assure you I will do everything I can not to become my mother. I have never laid a finger on DC, rarely raise my voice and I have no major issues with DC and bad behaviour.

As long as I have my mental health intact I am confident I will not belittle, overly criticise or judge the people I love.

Thank you for all of the wonderful support on this thread.

I absolutely stand by what I say/feel and I have every right to post on this thread. I don’t agree that people post on here as a ‘last resort’ - as MN states, very few people are qualified to offer advice on here, they can only offer their experience and what they would do. We have very little background but even when background is provided it’s only the view point of the poster and their interpretation of events - I’ve rarely seen a poster give an insight into the things they may have done. So for everyone, more or less, to then jump on the bandwagon about NC and the like I find ridiculous/dangerous . So many of these threads and I think ‘what? And often I’ve felt very sorry for the subject who may soon be pushed out the life of daughters/sons/grandchildren etc. OF COURSE there are some parents that do need to be cut out but some of the stories on here and the whipping up of the OP about their ‘abusive’ parent can be dangerous, has the potential to shatter families

Absolutely Aussie. Well written.

fresh you had had such a tough time. Glad you have not asked your Mum over for dinner. Definitely a good move. You deserve do much better than this. You are doing great.

Fair enough lily of course you are entitled to your own opinion, and me to mine. Room for both sides on all threads.

OP, blood is not thicker than water. Just because she is your mother you don't actually owe her anything. You have one life, so live it for you and not waste it on pleasing a perpetually difficult mother with her self induced pathetic dramas.

From the sound of your post, your mother has never respected you - and she needs to respect you. If she doesn't, than you need to put firm boundaries down and stand up to her even more. She terrorises you emotionally, and physically in the past, but she still expects you to run after her, to please her, to worship her in some way. This is soul destroying and wrong on every level.

You deserve a good and happy life.

Your mother has abused you. She has been both physically and psychologically abusive.
You have suffered very badly at her hands.

I feel you are doing amazingly. Well done for telling her not to treat you like that. This is the beginning of change.

Stay strong. She did not care about your feelings when she treated you badly. She is incredibly lucky that you want contact with her at all.

Please continue to lay down boundaries with her. Continue to say you deserve respect.
Continue to not accept nastiness.

You have offered your own experience here.

I think you would find that dysfunctional families are already emotionally unhealthy and for many years long before a poster takes to writing about their own childhood at the hands of their abusive parents. This sort of dysfunction can and does cross generations. I would also think your children's childhoods are far more happy than yours was; you made a choice not to replicate what you yourself saw for them.

Protecting yourself and your own family unit from further abuse at the hands of parents is not wrong. Are we that brainwashed to think that because they are "family" it should be accepted or otherwise sucked up.

Going No Contact is a touchy subject. Some people don't feel comfortable with the idea of cutting off a family member for life and facing the consequences of what they or others might think of you. Making the decision to go NC is never easy and is more like choosing the lesser of two evils. It may feel like a death of sorts - the death of a relationship. You may find yourself grieving or mourning the loss of "what could have been". You may feel deeply depressed as a consequence of going NC.

Going No Contact is not necessarily a decision to stop loving the person. It is a decision to stop struggling with them and let them be who they are going to be while not letting their behaviour hurt you any more.

lily have you read the OP’s account of the abuse she suffered as a child?

Your desire to assert your opinions here feels knee jerk.

If you think that the abuse the OP suffered ‘isn’t bad enough’ to name as abuse, and worthy of going NC, then I suggest you may have abusive tendencies yourself.

But hopefully you don’t, and can acknowledge that abuse took place and that the OP has every right to distance herself and assign blame to the violent adult who failed her.

My goodness. That list. I have a tear in my eye thinking about a child being beaten in their bed. That isn't a "difficult" parent, that is sustained, serious abuse. I'm so sorry you went through that. For your own mental health I'd try and take a step back from her to unpick all of this stuff before you can even think about "moving forward" with your relationship. But I know that's easier said than done.

This toxic idea that because someone is your “family”, your mother, father, brother what ever, that even if they have treated you so very badly, that you have to forgive them and accept their shit behaviour, not matter what. But if the family dynamic is abusive, this kind of family loyalty is destructive and very detrimental. It messes you up mentally and emotionally. Do what’s best to you and don’t feel guilty.

I was speaking from the POV of a child for whom many occasions and experiences were ruined by a toxic woman who had entirely imagined grievances and was cold, cruel, heartless and hateful to my wonderful mum. She is a completely different person to either of her parents, just like the OP she knew exactly what sort of parent she would never be. Children don’t need grandparents who make the child’s parent miserable and terrified. They need patents who are happy and surrounded by people who love them and support them.

I couldn’t wish more that my mum had had the resources to tell them to fuck off and never contact any of us again. They weren’t all bad but they were deeply damaged and very toxic and unhealthy, incapable of love and understanding. The time I think mum started to realise how bad things actually were was when my GM started to target one of my brothers as not being good enough, worthy of only ridicule and spite.

When she died, a sense of peace and calm descended gently over all of us. Not a nice thing to say and awful to feel. But not everyone has a mum that they’ll miss. Not everyone who’s had a child is a good person.

Some recent posters are spouting the sort of twisted minimising crap you tend to find on gransnet where the apologists for disgusting parenting gather to lick their wounds and claim their estranged children are heartless monsters who cut them off for no reason at all.

OP isn’t cutting anyone off at the moment. She’s suffered extreme and unforgivable abuse at the hands of the woman who should love and cherish her. She’s a fucking saint if you ask me and owes her parent nothing. If she does ever decide enough is enough and to stop sacrificing herself and put herself and her family first with nothing to do with her family of origin that’s a valid choice and anyone who judges her isn’t worth listening to. She’s been extremely gracious and some of you sound like you could take a look at your own behaviour if you have more in common with OPs mother than her.

You will get there freshstart24, you sound very level headed about it.

It's so hard, I am now nc with my mother for just over a year, and I want to tell you that she added nothing but grief and stress to by life and I am FREE of that. It IS possible, I hope you get there soon, it's so peaceful x

ime of standing up to abusive family members (after a lifetime of mental and emotional abuse): initially my outbursts were just that, very strong and (seemingly) OTT. But I was breaking a lifetime of fear and, initially, it came out in an explosion.

Decades later, my explosions aren't quite as, erm, explosive - though they're still sometimes heavily charged! Most of the time my parents don't get under my skin but every now and then, when I'm feeling particularly threadbare, I lose it all over again. Sigh.

Give yourself a break - this stuff is hard to come against when you have been conditioned and manipulated from the year dot. If you want to feel shit and guilty, think about me laying into my 95yo dad recently! No it was crap and wrong but I'm not a saint and it's hard sometimes to keep calm.

I forgive myself, knowing I'm doing my very best. You forgive yourself too. Well done for standing up to her!

Have you don't any work with Fear Obligation and Guilt (FOG)? Do google it. Also read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward (if you're like me you felt guilty reading it - but don't! You need to rescue your own emotional and mental health).

Also visit Al-Anon. This is essential for someone in your position.

Keep going and well done

ps I have decided against NC for a variety of reasons - NC is not appropriate in my situation imo. I've been low contact until fairly recently as my parents are very old and very frail and I've stepped up the contact. My choice, which I can change at any time.

Bloody well done!

The first time you stand up for yourself is terrifying. The good news is that the next time you do it, it won't be the first time. It gets easier the more you do it, I can vouch for that. Nobody can water ski the first time they try.

You are working to undo a life time of conditioning. Be kind to yourself - today is not a wasted day, today is a brilliant day because it's the start of you reclaiming your life.

What are you going to do to reward yourself for doing that hard work today? Cup of tea with your feet up, putting on some music and dancing around the kitchen like you're 15, or a long bath after the courier has gone are my suggestions.

Putting boundaries in place is hard, but it is worth it, I can attest to that. Working with a therapist helped me do this effectively and consistently.