Stood up to mum, feeling wobbly, need reassurance

[freshstart24]

I have a tricky relationship with my mum.

As a child she was critical, a big drinker and sometimes lost control and beat me. Our relationship has cast a shadow all my life and I'm just now unpicking this with help from therapy.

I'm beginning to recognise that mum's critical voice follows me around making life quite difficult. I'm also a chronic people pleaser as I became very focussed on being good and not upsetting mum as a child.

I've begun to stick up for myself, but it is hard and uncomfortable.

My mum is having a hard time atm. She has broken her arm and is having to consider having her lovely dog pts. I'm waiting at my house for a delivery that I'm accepting on her behalf. I called her as the couriers were supposed to contact her today to give an eta. I had tried to call
them myself but they wouldn't discuss the delivery with me, said they needed to speak to mum. Without an eta I will need to hang around downstairs at home whereas I could do with hoovering, Dog walking, grocery shopping etc..

When I asked her to call the courier she made a huge deal about it insisting she wouldn't be able to get through or that they wouldn't know what time they were due etc etc.. I suggested she tried anyway and she flew off the handle as usual and put down the phone on me.

So I called couriers, pretended to be her, got the info I needed. Texted her to say all sorted and there was no need to get so annoyed with me over a 2 minute request.

Then her husband called me (she's horrid to him too), to say I needed to give her a break as she's having a hard time. I bit back maybe for the first time in my life to say there was just no need for her to get shitty with me and I wasn't taking it any more. I also said I realised she had made him call me and that wasn't acceptable either. I could hear her wailing in the background.

I now feel terrible and heartless along with a tiny bit pleased that I stood up for myself. I'm shaking with worry that I've upset the applecart.

I know this all sounds pathetic and petty but to me it's a big deal and I know I'm now likely to be unable to function properly due to fear and worry about what mum will do and how much grief she's giving her husband right now.

Can anyone reassure me or tell me what to do please.

Atilla "You do not owe these two people anything let alone any further help or a relationship here. You are not responsible for any aspect of their health or lives." wow I would really like to feel like that- how liberating it would be!

Slow to respond but you did well with the message. I totally get how complex this is. It's not easy to stand up for yourself as you did in such circumstances. You did and that is fantastic.

It's not a day wasted op. it's a day where you have taken a step towards having some control over your relationship with your mother. You can only do that by calling her out on her behaviour each and every time but she's crossed the line and you've done that today. Well done.

You are doing your mum a favour and being treated as worse than a dog. Please protect yourself by realising that you are not there to be her whipping boy when things are tough. You have given up a days leave to be spoken to rudely and curtly. I am glad you stood up to her and you should not be in such a state over a perfectly valid question and response to a rude answer.

I think the more you take her nastiness, the worse she will get so I think refusing to accept that from her or her DP in the future is the way to go. If her dog is pts then yes express sympathy. If she needs her arm pinned her DP can help her and if you feel you are in a position to help then offer it but no one could blame you for keeping your distance. Are you an only child?

Can anyone advise as to how I proceed from here please? Usually she refuses to talk to me when she's very angry and then I try harder and harder to reach her and eventually she speaks to me. When I've tried to do it differently and not contact her her husband calls me and says she is slipping into a depression and won't get up so I end up calling....

Can you see how manipulative this behaviour is. Express sympathy and offer help within your capabilities but don't keep flogging it. If she wont speak to you then leave it. If her DP calls saying she is slipping into depression then that is her way of trying to control her. Don't fall for it. If she is depressed it is because her normal way of trying to control you is not working and that is not your fault.

Fab message. Well done.

Id suggest just act as though nothing happened because in any normal family what you said would not be a problem at all.

I was in a very similar situation as you OP, only my mother would constantly disown me if she couldn’t get her own way. Often wished me dead.

For my own sanity, I went full No contact about 13 years ago. I do not regret it one bit.

if the husband rings and says she is going into depression, tell him she needs to go to her GP. YOU are not responsible for her mental health

This, this, this!

Just wanted to say a massive well done on taking this step forwards to reclaiming your own life. It is very scary and stressful but it is so worth it.
When the scales finally fell from my eyes and I stood up to my own mum for the first time ever I couldn’t believe the response I got from her. She went into full blown victim mode and made me out to be the most awful person, when I remained calm and didn’t back down like she expected, she just piled more drama right on top. She ‘had a fall’ and made herself properly ill for weeks just desperately trying to put me back in my place. It seriously took all the resolve I could find to resist the urge to just give in which would have been so much easier but the thing that kept me going was the understanding that if I backed down at this point I would be giving myself a life sentence to be manipulated by her for the rest of her life and that kept me going.
You must keep going too. It is so emotionally draining though and your sub conscious desperately wants you to keep behaving in the way you had to as a child. Back then it was the only way you had if keeping yourself ‘safe’. Now you are an adult and have more choices, the best one is to not engage with any of her attention seeking behaviour, it will get worse before it gets better but it is worth going through for sure.

I think you got your message spot on, OP.

I just want to join the chorus of well done. Also to remind you that the current situation between you is your mum's doing - it is her behaviour towards you that has precipitated this. It is an absolute fucking outrage that her response to your very measured message (there is no need...) is anything but, god sorry, yes I was out of order, I'm super stressed with x, y, z, sort of thing.

Right now they are doing pissed off voices with you and leaving you to fill in the blanks - worry about how they are feeling, worry about what they will do, worry about how to make everything good so they stop using their manipulative tactics against you. They need to use suggestion and manipulation because if they directly voiced what they wanted, it would be too outrageous for you reasonably to contemplate: "Please apologise for telling me not to speak to you badly, and let me talk to you however I want." Your mum wailing in the background is supposed to get what she wants without her having to ask for it, she asks her DH to talk to you because even she hasn't the brass neck to demand you lie on the ground while she wipes her feet on you, she does crying in the background because she'd rather you did the calculation which is: the emotional price of asking for respect is to high than tell you directly: 'If you try to appear as an individual in this relationship I will pass you all the pain and shame I feel for treating you like shit all this time'. Because when you are saying it's unacceptable to you now, OP, she well recognises that her way of treating you was never okay for you.

I know it's easier said than done, but a great rule of thumb is to consider only what is directly what is asked for. Don't worry, fret and plan how to move past something they haven't even had the courage to discuss with you like an adult. Don't do the dance of trying to work out how they want you to behave: they can ask, and you can say yes or no - otherwise you will continue to go about your business.

If they are trying to do the manipulation thing, and are unable to voice whatever it is, it is possible and reasonable to say something like, 'Can I just check that what you are suggesting is that because the dog is being pts, I should overlook you screaming at me and accept that you will not be able to speak to me with courtesy? I am not sure I can do that. Perhaps while you are feeling unable to speak to me with courtesy because of the dog, you avoid ringing me until you do feel able to? I'll wait to hear from you.'

For me the only way past the manipulations is to give them voice so you can look at them as requests that you can either agreee to or not.

My only way of coping is to be NC.

All the best

Thank you all so much for the thoughtful, helpful messages. I'm taking it all in and think I might make some notes to help me when I can't think what to do.

I'm on my phone so I can't tag individual
Posters but I'm hugely grateful for your help and glad to find other people who understand how hard it is.

I had been considering asking mum over for dinner tonight or tomorrow as that would probably be what she wants. It would however make for a difficult eve for DH, me and DC. So I'm not going to ask her and I'm going to try not to worry about what effect that might have....

We'll done!

Being "selfish" is not necessarily wrong. And she doesn't deserve you as a daughter after you childhood.

Well done OP. You’re doing really well.

I want to offer my support and reassurance too.

I grew up with a alcoholic dad who verbally abused me and my brother constantly. We lived in fear of his horrible moods. My mum worshipped my brother and was and still is hyper critical of me. She is now frail. My brother lives abroad. I have nearly detached myself emotionally from my mum. I still see her but I’m not part of her anger control as much as I was. It’s taken me years to get here. Ok, I visit her every week. She lives 100 miles away. She never takes any interest in me or my life. When I visit it’s all about her, I take her where she wants to go. Listen to her negative chit chat. Nod.
She is quite obsessed with her own biological family. She has only two topics, 1, how awful her family is. 2. The details of the awful family. They haven’t spoken for many years but they are her only real topic of conversation. However recently despite intervention from myself and my brother she took in her nephew who is 60 ‘to make amends’ and told me ‘you are causing me stress’ when I told her to hide her bank cards as he has a history of theft. Her response ‘I need to trust him and give him a second chance’. He stole her money and her passport. Of course she is devastated
So on my weekly visit I cancelled her bank card and managed to get the money he took out refunded. I cancelled her passport and set up and paid for a ID anti fraud paid for by me in her name. I stayed overnight and took her shopping and to the pub and to the park like I do every week. All she talked about was her nephew and other members of her family.
Que today. I get a torrent of abuse on a phone call. She wants me to take her to various family members houses so she can give them a piece of her mind. I had told her I couldn’t come up this weekend and would be up after work Tuesday. The abuse included ‘you are useless, you have done nothing to help me’. ‘All I have been is kind to you and you do nothing’. ‘’You are so weak you can’t even take me to their house’ ‘ill get my neighbour to help me as you can’t be bothered, what do you ever do to help me.’. ‘I can only rely on your brother, he is strong’. ‘I have helped you out financially in the past and been kind to you and you do nothing’. She also said ‘I have an awful family apart from your brother’. She secretly puts money into my account and doesn’t tell me then uses it as a lever.
I have received countless calls like this over my adult life from her. Utterly cruel. Very abusive.
Until this year this phone call would have derailed me. I would be crying, pleading with her to see that I am trying to help, citing examples of me helping only to have them mocked. I probably would have driven up there desperate to get approval, to make amends. The “I have an awful family’ would have lead to me crying that she thinks so little of me.
This year. I have got educated. I have read and read about toxic mothers. I have built my resilience through standing by my principles and doing the right thing. I have worked on boundaries. I have dealt with my ongoing anxiety and depression through medication. I have taken some control of my finances so I don’t need to ask for money.
Result - I stated clearly and calmly on the phone that I am not going to be harmed in any way by her anger and abuse. I didn’t explain. I just stated it, Three times. I also stated I have nothing to answer for. Nothing. She put the phone down. I didn’t call back like I used to.
I had a little cry but I know this is not my problem to deal with.

OP as others have said you have been conditioned by your mum and also by society to always love your mum despite the abuse. Newsflash. Abuse is abuse whoever is doing it. You will feel ropey and all over the place for a while but just keep on looking after and out for yourself. You are doing the right thing.

Clogs well done! But seriously, why do you put up with that shit? You're under no obligation to her. She sounds vile and doesn't deserve your 20 mile round trips every week

My DM is also prone to histrionics. They don't happen often but the undercurrent is always there.

Similar to clogs I've felt a lot lighter about it once the scales fell and I could see it for what it was.

I've had a barrage of emails this week due to a perceived slight. I just stated that she was overreacting and that I wasn't prepared to discuss it with her. End of.

I treat it like I treat my toddler when she spits her dummy out. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

my name I think Because she isn’t awful a lot of the time. It comes in rages and I know it’s connected to her immaturity and inability to voice her own anger, Many times I spend reminiscing about her parents and my dads family. All of whom are dead. She and my brother are all I have in terms of relatives. Managing her at the moment is best for me with an option of going no contact.
The best thing I learned is that she is actually ok without me there. Her local shops has what she needs. She won’t starve if I’m not there.
OP well done for not asking them for dinner. She will be ok getting her own dinner.

Hang on, why are YOU waiting around all day to accept her delivery when she has her partner in the house with her (and presumably can open the door) and she is presumably able to open the door herself as she 'only' has a sore arm?
Having minor surgery on a sore arm is not exactly life threatening. And while I get the utter horror of losing a beloved dog, I cannot imagine this bad excuse for a mother feels much affection for the poor creature. Hard time? Pfft! Excuses to manipulate, more like.

Please don't apologise or compensate for standing up to her - that is handing all the power right back to her.

I feel for you so much OP and I’m joining everyone else in a huge well done for seeing what’s going on in this dynamic and starting to put yourself first.

My GM was the queen of emotional blackmail and manipulation. Her sister committed suicide which was obviously utterly tragic but she never missed a trick to use it to blackmail my mum. GF was just the same and there were endless calls and letters over the years telling my mum what to do “or else you know how upset your mother gets and remember what poor Maureen did when she was upset”. It cast an ugly terrifying shadow over the whole family and my mum never got free of it. Countless occasions were ruined by it including my parents’ wedding and the birth of one of my siblings. As it was of course, GM died peacefully at a very good age and would never have carried out her threats but how I wish mum had found a way to break free of the corrosive bullshit they used against her and put herself first. It’s a sobering thought how different her life could have been and I so admire you taking steps to put your own feelings and your own family at the centre of your life. To decide that you don’t owe your mother or her manipulative husband anything.

It’s scary making changes but my god you’ll have a better life

Your mother and her husband seem able to take and make lots of calls today, couldn't they take in their own delivery.

Anne corrosive bullshit is spot on. That’s exactly what it is. OP I found taking small steps was the key to neutralising myself from the majority of the corrosive bullshit. It takes a while for the connections in your emotional mind to come together. I found i only call my mum when I have no urgent issues on my mind. The call will be about her so if I’m under attack I can’t start to feel vulnerable as I could possibly engage with her anger and put myself back. I never answer her calls. I call her back when I am prepared.

There comes a point when Family Duty ceases to be a renewable resource. Imho, you are at that point (and beyond). They have used you up; there isn’t anything left.

Set the boundaries. And just say “no” to the guilt. That is an executive decision on your part to skip the guilt. They can not “make” you feel guilty if you don’t let them. Your boundaries are a result of her/their behavior. You have nothing to apologize for, and nothing to feel guilty about. Leave them in the past and move forward beginning now.

(((Have a hug))) buy yourself some flowers and have a good day.

Your boundaries are a result of her/their behaviour

^^ this is really excellent advice