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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

BF Just bought £3m house

93 replies

Redherring10 · 06/05/2018 21:53

My longest standing friend has just bought a £3m estate with her high earning husband, she doesn’t work. She’s been quite secretive about it but has finally announced the move. They’d previously been renting a modest but lovely house. I’m worried it’s going to change our relationship. How do I deal with this maturely? I want to still be there for her but I’m afraid she now puts herself above us. We rent a modest house are not wealthy but are ok financially compared to some.

OP posts:

HeedMove · 06/05/2018 23:47

Also your comment about being wealthy to some. Do you look down on others who arent as wealthy and dont live in a house as big or yours? If not, then why would she? If yes, then you need to change your perspective then maybe your opinion on her will change.

bevelino · 06/05/2018 23:48

OP try not to make an issue about it.

BMW6 · 06/05/2018 23:57

How do you deal with this maturely??

What's to be "dealt with"? Your jealousy?

JanJan71 · 06/05/2018 23:59

I would congratulate her on her new home! That's what friends do!

IamPickleRick · 07/05/2018 00:02

Send a card. Get over it.

MumofBoysx2 · 07/05/2018 00:04

Why would it change your relationship? It's just a house and I'm sure she's still just the same. Maybe she is more worried about it changing your relationship since she was quiet about it (if she thought she was above you, you would have heard all about it ten times over). Just bricks and mortar - friendship is more important!

citychick · 07/05/2018 00:24

Big fancy houses like big fancy cars cost a fortune to run.

Be grateful you don’t have those costs.

Congratulate them on their new home, accept every invite going and hope the wine cellar Is great also

UserV · 07/05/2018 00:30

Well, when we purchased our house (low 7-figure sum,) we certainly didn't look down on anyone!

This is more about YOUR insecurities OP!

springydaff · 07/05/2018 00:50

Are you a writer op? Your op is very well written.

DamsonOnThisDress · 07/05/2018 01:04

It'll only be different if you make it different.

Carry on as you are and congratulate her on a kickass house which you would do for any friend making a move.

Oh and bags the best guest room and invite self round for mini breaks. If she has a pool I'd be off buying lots of lovely swimwear and little umbrellas for our cocktails.

She won't be any different I'm sure. She's rented modestly so it's not as if your lifestyle is entirely foreign to her.

Loads of us have friends who have very different means. I have a friend with lake and forest. It rains in our kitchen. My closest friend is on £80k and has a doctorate. I'm on about £8k and mostly have Playdough in my hair. Really really makes no odds.

Don't let this be a thing between you. It doesn't have to be.

applesandpears56 · 07/05/2018 01:16

Actually i think you have a right to be a bit upset - it’s the keeping it from you and bring secretative that upset you. She clearly thinks they’ll be a problem else she would have just been open about her move and send you details etc to share the excitement

MakeItStopNeville · 07/05/2018 01:21

My best friend’s husband became a multi (times a lot) millionaire pretty much overnight after he sold his company. It didn’t change anything at all in our relationship. They’re still the same people even if their house is now eye wateringly amazing.

MadMags · 07/05/2018 07:51

@applesandpears56

Where to start?!

The friends are not obliged whatsoever to share details of their house move. At all.

And that’s not the OP’s problem in any case. She wants to know how to deal with her friends being wealthy and having a bigger house than her...

AppleFlapjack · 07/05/2018 07:59

I think its probably how you are/act with her thats caused her to be secretive. I have a friend that sounds a bit like you, I am by no means "well off" but am fairly savvy with money and save for the nicer things I want and every new item (decorating/furniture etc.) she will say its nice was it expensive? Your lucky you can afford that etc.

I have friends in a much better financial situation than me (single parent) and some in a much worse situation I don't see why it would affect the friendship purely based on financial status there will always be differences in your lives whether it be married/single, owning/renting, private/state schools etc.

Doyoumind · 07/05/2018 08:02

So you're jealous? My advice would be to get over it.

squidgesquodge · 07/05/2018 08:09

I agree that she was probably being secretive as she was worried you'd react like this.
I say you do what you have always done. But her a housewarming card & present if that is what you'd normally do; offer to have her DC over to play whilst she unpacks; listen sympathetically when she moans that the previous owners just painted over signs of water damage or something; continue to invite her over to yours as you would have always done.

seastargirl · 07/05/2018 08:11

We bought a bigger house, one of my friends has barely talked to me since and has never visited it. I can only imagine that she's jealous. She's always been the one to live in the better house/area etc, we were saving and making good financial decisions, but as I don't talk about money when I told her about the move she was shocked, I've been very sad about it as I have not changed at all. Don't be one of those people!

BodgingThisMumThing · 07/05/2018 08:15

What a weird thing to start a thread on!

SoyDora · 07/05/2018 08:18

Has her attitude towards you actually changed, or are you just assuming it’s going to because she lives in a big house?
This is really bizarre. Why would anything be different? I assume she’s the same person, with the same amount of money as the person she was the day before they bought the house?

Ithinkthatsenough · 07/05/2018 08:21

Why would the value of her house have any impact on your friendship?

Raven88 · 07/05/2018 08:28

Maybe she didn't tell you because they didn't want to tell people until it was finalised. If it was my friend I would be happy for her. I think the problem is you, because you see a fancy house and think she is above you now.

applesandpears56 · 07/05/2018 08:33

Mad - it’s her best friend. There’s surely an expectation in a friendship for both sides to be open. I get the feeling the friend was playing the card ‘oh I’m just like you’ but then secretive about her wealth. If her friend had been open about her wealth then there wouldn’t have been a problem. If your friend that you thought you knew well suddenly announced they were moving to a multi million pound house you would be a bit ‘where did that come from’ ‘do I know you at all’. If friend bounded in for coffee saying look what we’ve just had an offer accepted on then all cards would have been on the table. It’s the deception and secrets undermining the friendship not the money. I know what you are saying that you don’t have an obligation to tell your friends about a move. But it’s not a very good friendship if you aren’t open is it. My friend lied about where she was sending her child to school saying she was going to the state than last minute announced they were going private and had been doing the applications and tests all along. I don’t give a monkeys where she sends her kids to school (and certainly wouldn’t have judged her for going private) but the fact she had lied to me and felt she had to hide it really hurt and massively undermined our friendship. It felt like SHE thought I’d be jealous - when truly i wasn’t st all.

morningconstitutional2017 · 07/05/2018 08:34

You say she's been secretive - perhaps that's because she knew it would be bound to at least cause a little awkwardness. She hasn't 'thrown it in your face' or shown off about it. Just suck it and see. She should still be a good friend whether you're rich or poor.

It's only human nature to feel a little envious about someone having something you haven't but try not to let it come between you. And for the sake of your own more modest finances don't try to keep up with them as you can't afford to.

BIWI · 07/05/2018 08:35

I think the OP's username is a bit of a clue.

It's Mumsnet bingo:

SAHM
high-earning husband
renters vs mortgage holders
class issues
fall-outs

FowlisWester · 07/05/2018 08:37

Why is it assumed bigger is better? We live in a smallish house. We are toying with moving. House up the road came on. We looked. It had a formal living room, dining kitchen/living room, a play room and a normal living room,4 bedrooms and bathroom, ensuite and cloakroom toilet. We currently have 3 beds with one living room and a dining room.
I actually couldn't see what we would do with all the rooms tbh. Yes maybe dh and I would have a nice childfree living room four evenings but otherwise I could still see us all just using the one room together. Plus all the extra cleaning and toilets etc.
This house would add 100k to our mortgage which is a small mortgage anyway so its not about the cost but I honestly think that bigger is not always better. We are still looking but I think eventually we might just extend the kitchen a bit.
Don't be jealous of your friend.

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