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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Facebook, friends and the OW

73 replies

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 06/05/2018 16:18

STBXH left me for OW. He defriended me from FB. We had friends that we have known over 20 year's, socialised together etc. STBXH, OW and friends are now doing the socialising as we once did.

I have been VERY hurt by this as they started socialising after only 4 months. They know he was unfaithful but maintain they are both our friends so want to see him. I have no issue with that but don't see why it currently has to extend to OW. Obviously in the future that will happen but l have been very upset by their apparent acceptance of her.

So on to my question!!

I am FB friends with my friends. Female friend has her friend list closed as do l. Male friends is open and l can see OW is not on his friend list.

Friends have tagged themself into a location. It is not a public post. OW has liked this post.

Does that mean OW and female friend are FB friends too?

OP posts:
Masterbuilders · 06/05/2018 16:23

Yes.

Original poster
TryingToForgeAnewLife · 06/05/2018 16:26

Thank-you.

Just need to decide what to do now with my friends. I tried to speak to them previously about how hurt l was but they couldnt understand my point of view

OP posts:
DDIJ · 06/05/2018 16:29

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

FoxySamanthaPetersonTheCat · 06/05/2018 16:30

Oh I think they understand OP they just play dumb and pretend they don’t because it makes them uncomfortable.

What you’re feeling is totally understandable imo. They can of course be friends with whoever they want but I too would be put out. Do you see your friends much since the split with your ex?

Melliegrantfirstlady · 06/05/2018 16:30

Op

I know this situation is hurtful but I don’t think you should expect your friends to take sides over this.

It’s not their fight to fight. They obviously want to keep out of it and basically want to keep socialising regardless

That’s not a snub to you it’s just they want to keep things simple

meowimacat · 06/05/2018 16:31

Yep they're friends.

Sadly it's time to find some new friends I think hun.

I shared all my friends with my ex and now I hardly see them because of him. Met up with them last night and it just felt odd. Unfortunately it happens.

I can see them having to sort of accept OW, but not seeing your point of view is the worst part. You think they'd be understanding. I guess maybe they just want to stay neutral to it all, but its very hurtful to you to not see where you are coming from

category12 · 06/05/2018 16:31

I'd advise you not to make them choose. They've already made their position clear.

Mannix · 06/05/2018 16:35

OP, I understand how hurtful this is for you. But I can see your friend's point of view too. She wants to stay friends with you and your STBXH - she doesn't want to lose either of you. And, basically, being friends with someone usually means being friendly, to some extent, with their partner. It's very awkward otherwise. She probably doesn't mean to hurt or betray you.

Original poster
TryingToForgeAnewLife · 06/05/2018 16:37

I don't really see them. I occasionally bump into Female Friend (FF) at work.

I have been out for lunch a couple of times with FF over the last 10 months but nothing more.

I totally understand that they want to remain neutral but they could just see STBX whilst it's so raw Sad

OP posts:
pigeondujour · 06/05/2018 16:50

I wouldn't be falling over myself to be understanding about their motives to be honest. I'd delete your 'friend' from Facebook and not speak to her again, except to tell her why if she asks.

LVXiii · 06/05/2018 16:54

I've been in FF's position. For me, I felt very awkward, but it seemed as if I would definitely lose my friendship with H if I pointedly shunned his DP. I hoped that by not talking about it with W and keeping those parts of my life semi separate I might not lose the friendship with W.

In the end she did cut contact with me, and still vilifies me (and a number of other friends) ten years later for not hating her ex. Which isn't great, I guess, and I am sad. But I guess I made the choice, however cowardly and conflict avoidant.

Maybe distance yourself while it hurts and see how you feel further down the line?

Userplusnumbers · 06/05/2018 16:55

As awful as it is OP, your ExH did this to you, not to your friends. It's unfair to expect them to snub and ignore the OW - and actually, if you do expect that, then what you do expect them to do is take sides.

Focus your anger where it should be directed. The ExH who is the cause of all this.

pigeondujour · 06/05/2018 17:05

I would absolutely expect my friend to take my side if she expected me to continue our friendship. I don't think it's at all reasonable to expect someone to share friends with two people that have done them a terrible wrong. It's absolutely the friends' choice, but the consequence of the choice would be the end of my friendship with them.

SandyY2K · 06/05/2018 17:35

I'm sure it feels like a betrayal. I'd personally distance myself without actually saying anything to them.

I bet they wouldn't be impressed if they were in your shoes.

The thing with affairs, is that they affect so many parts of your life.

Original poster
TryingToForgeAnewLife · 06/05/2018 17:43

Thank-you everyone.

I have restricted access to them on FB. I don't see them anyway so it won't be difficult to pull back

OP posts:
KeefBurtain · 06/05/2018 17:49

OP for your own sanity I think it would be wise to block the OW so you can’t see any of her activity

MissKillstar · 06/05/2018 18:09

Bloody Facebook. I had to reactivate briefly this week and was sickened to see how many people think my stbxh is a LOVELY man... swiftly deactivated again.

When our split goes public I know a lot of my acquaintances will melt away...

Sending you my support OP Thanks

abbsisspartacus · 06/05/2018 18:12

Yes I sadly lost friends after I split from my ex make new ones it's easier

timeisnotaline · 06/05/2018 20:32

I don’t think cheating in a marriage is a neutral action and even if I wanted to retain the cheaters friendship it seems extremely unnecessary to have added the ow on fb. How hard can it be to say I don’t think that’s fair to op, happy to meet up as this is your new partner but no need to accept your friend request... (personally I would actually say happy to meet up but don’t need to meet your partner until it’s been eg a year excluding cheating )

Smeddum · 06/05/2018 20:39

DP and I were friends with a couple. He cheated and left for OW.
I’ve stayed friends with his (now ex) wife and DP has stayed in vague touch with the husband.

I wouldn’t have gone within 50 fucking feet of the OW, or him.

Not because I’d been told not to, but because their selfish shit caused an awful lot of pain and heartache and I’ll be fucked if I’ll play happy smiley with people who blew my friend’s (and their children) world apart!

Why is it the OP who has to suck it up? She didn’t cause or deserve any of this, and having her friends being pally with the new couple is understandably hurtful.

OP, I’m sorry this is happening. It sounds like you need some more loyal friends. Flowers

TemptressofWaikiki · 06/05/2018 21:18

I would delete them. I would not expect friends to drop an ex if they are mutual friends but would very much expect them not to immediately be pally with the OW. And in their place, I would not even wait to be asked but consider that basic loyalty and compassion. That is very shitty of them. You deserve better and it is best to move on and find kinder friends.

Namechanger1404 · 06/05/2018 21:31

People generally do what suits THEM regardless of the situation. Personally I’d be very loyal to my friend, whilst telling the husband what a dick he is, I would not have anything to do with the OW for a very long time, if ever. Quite frankly, if an OW could become mates in such a short space of time, I’d question whether they all knew!

All this “you can’t ask people to choose” is nonsense, it comes down to loyalty, and where it lies. People take the route least likely to have any affect on them, ie social situations they may lose out on etc.

OP don’t look on FB again, bunch of idiots..what goes around comes around though...

DownTownAbbey · 06/05/2018 21:55

Your friends have every right to be friends with whoever they choose. So do you. If they are upsetting you by their association with OW then leave them behind. Seek new friends or take solace in the ones who 'get it' and choose you.

I thought I could cope with sharing friends. I couldn't. Not only was he a cheat but OW had been a 'friend' so after 20+ years there were lots of people who tried to remain neutral. It was actually really interesting to find out who loved me; who was appalled at the way I had been treated. It wasn't always who I expected.

Several years on I've shed the friends who didn't have a problem with my ex and OW. I don't miss them at all. I'm a different person. They were just acquaintances after all.

I think it's actually really difficult for other people to fully understand the way you feel if they have never experienced the betrayal themselves. All that actually happened in my case was my true friends rose to the occasion. Any who can't empathise aren't worth your effort.

MadMags · 06/05/2018 23:10

I don't get why you're so bothered, tbh! It doesn't sound like you're really friends with these people.

I could 100% understand if they were close friends of yours!

RainySeptember · 06/05/2018 23:34

In these circumstances I'd very much expect mutual friends to take my side.

I don't think that's an unreasonable expectation actually. If he had hit you, would they justify his behaviour and insist on staying friendly with both of you? I doubt it. And he has done a terrible thing that has left you heartbroken. Instead of judging him for his shitty betrayal, they're falling over themselves to keep him as a friend, and to get to know ow.

I'm sure their friendship feels like they're endorsing her. It smacks of them secretly thinking that he didn't really do anything wrong. It is indeed time for new friends.

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