Facebook, friends and the OW

[TryingToForgeAnewLife]

STBXH left me for OW. He defriended me from FB. We had friends that we have known over 20 year's, socialised together etc. STBXH, OW and friends are now doing the socialising as we once did.

I have been VERY hurt by this as they started socialising after only 4 months. They know he was unfaithful but maintain they are both our friends so want to see him. I have no issue with that but don't see why it currently has to extend to OW. Obviously in the future that will happen but l have been very upset by their apparent acceptance of her.

So on to my question!!

I am FB friends with my friends. Female friend has her friend list closed as do l. Male friends is open and l can see OW is not on his friend list.

Friends have tagged themself into a location. It is not a public post. OW has liked this post.

Does that mean OW and female friend are FB friends too?

I was you. I was very upset to see almost all of my friends on a couples night out on Facebook with manipulative thieving ex and his girlfriend. They knew the ins and outs of the awful divorce and the stunts he pulled during the marriage and the divorce.
But there they were sipping prossecco and tagging each other in.

I unfriended them all.

I do think your friends have to pick a side, to be honest. By being friends with OW, upsetting you and causing you to withdraw and unfriend them, they are picking his side by default. I know plenty of people that has happened to, and it's awful. You should be entitled to expect loyalty from true friends.

However I'm not 100% sure that her liking your friend's post means they have actually friended her on FB. I'm not on FB anymore, but when I was, several friends of friends (strangers) liked or commented on certain photos I posted - even though they weren't my actual FB friends. This was because we had mutual friends in common so it appeared on their friends' feeds. None of my posts were public.

If your friend is friends with someone tagged in the photo, it doesn’t mean she’s FB friends with the OW. As long as it wasn’t just the OW tagged.

It probably isn't even personal op. People are just lazy.

They can continue doing couple things with him and ow, whereas you upset the dynamics at parties because you're single.

He's probably also fun and happy on nights out, whereas you're a bit withdrawn and sad about the separation.

You might run him down, which makes them feel uncomfortable, while he never mentions you.

You make them feel bad and guilty about continuing to be his friend, while he doesn't mind that they're friends with you.

I'm just guessing really, based on my own experiences, you may not do any of those things. But often it is about the cult of personality, people don't care about doing the morally right thing. Get new friends.

I'm sorry OP, sounds very hard. If it's any consolation, OW isn't a 'friend' to your friends; but for the link to your STBXH, she wouldn't be in their orbit at all.

I liked timeisnotonaline's approach - that's what I would do if I were your friends. Be friendly to him (but more to you) and not embrace the OW into the group, telling your STBXH why this is so.

I think they have already made their choice.

You have seen her only a couple of times for lunch and around work. Not them as a couple.

They are going as couples for evenings.

One sounds to me like a work mate thing. The other as an outside of work friendship.

Thankyou everyone. It's really good to read and l was nodding in agreement ti so much of it.

I would never have met the OW if l had been them at this stage. Female friend said she told them the first time they all met that l was her friend and that she won't be replacing that .... that really touched me but they have continued seeing them and now this. She said she just sees the OW as STBXH current partner nothing more. I just feel so conflicted

Was coming to say what smeddum said ^^

Your friends aren’t being neutral, they’ve picked their side and it’s not you.

I asked my friend via text if they are facebook friends and she confirmed they are. She replied "Yes? So are lots of other people"

I haven't replied as l don't know what to say

I wouldn't reply. She'll get the message.

It’s bloody hurtful, OP.

My H has a group of friends and one cheated on his fiancée (together nearly a decade) and left her for OW. I literally never heard the fiancée’s name mentioned again, even though she’d been really good friends with them, socialising with them for years, etc and they embraced OW with open arms.

So I shouldn’t have been surprised that when news of H’s affair broke I didn’t hear from any of them, even a couple I considered good friends. We are still together but if we do split up, one silver lining is that I’ll never have to see these friends again.

I would accept that they have chosen to embrace OW in order to keep socialising with your ExH and distance myself.

Bit of a defensive reply from your 'friend' OP!

That's quite an aggressive/defensive response.

Nobody will ever hate her as much as you op.

In time history will be rewritten and their love story will be such that the stars aligned when they met, they never meant to hurt anyone but what can you do when true love strikes, why on earth is tryingtofirgive still banging on about this.

They'll tell themselves what they need to in order to justify their shitty disloyal decision to embrace her with open arms. People are selfish, they gravitate towards what's best for them.

They can continue doing couple things with him and ow, whereas you upset the dynamics at parties because you're single.

Rainy hit the nail on the head there.

That’s precisely the reason, and it shows you who they are. I wouldn't want to be friends with OW, but I can imagine a scenario where an arrangement is made for a couples’ night out, and what do you do?

There was a similar situation here where the OW actually said to me, “it’s been 4 months, they should be over it by now.” I stood there with my mouth hanging wide open. I’m still polite but very cool towards both of them, and always make a much bigger effort with the ex W.

Sadly, I think you’re going to have to look elsewhere for friends and as a PP said, the ones who are there for you may be surprising ones.

I do have amazing friend's who have been the biggest support ever. I just hate giving up on a friendship but for my own sake l have too

OP. If this happened with friends of ours, never in a million years would I be any sort of friend of the OW. DH could stay friends with your ex if he chose but without me. Someone who could knowingly break a marriage is no friend of mine.

OP I really feel for you, it’s really hard to watch people to thought cares about you be so disloyal, I can see the neutrality around exh but not the OH. In my case it was my in laws DP cheated and we stayed together but she was a family friend and the in laws decided to ‘not take sides’ so we’re facebook friends, tagging each other on nights out, Sunday lunches, staying over at each other’s houses. I couldn’t stand it so blocked them all, apparently it’s my fault that we’re now pretty much NC for having a problem with it. Sigh.

You'll make new friends op. All of my couple friends melted away. Not necessarily to xh, but the contact got more awkward as time went on. I don't really know why.

And yet there were other people - work colleagues, acquaintances, neighbours - who unexpectedly stepped up or supported me. My friends are almost entirely different now. And I don't mean that they're all single, divorced people. In fact most are married. But they're kind, they're moral, they like me for me not because we are a third couple for their dinner party or throw good barbecues. I think I'm probably better at recognising the valuable qualities in people now too.

I promise, at the end of this, you'll know who your real friends are and you're well shot of the others.

If you were 'couple' friends with them, then it's easier for them to be 'couple' friends with your ex, because he has the OW. Because you're alone (I am assuming) then they can't socialize with you as a 'couple'.

Thankyou so much everyone. I feel so supported and l feel "validated" in how hurt l am.

I currently can't imagine meeting anyone else.... l have the children 12/14 days so it doesn't give much time for dating!

I think it is these life changing events that show us which friends are genuine.

FF knows how he has treated the children and l these last 10 months but still chooses to see OW.

The sad thing is, is if circumstances were different and STBXH and l had seperated and THEN he met OW, l would welcome her as she seems a pleasant person. I had in fact met her when they were still "friend's" and made her a coffee and bacon sandwich. She is also making a huge effort with the children.

Unfortunately friends can’t stay loyal to both of you, they do choose

Some will choose you & others will choose him

This is why they say- you find out who your friends are..

I found some friends wanted nothing more to do with me, others wanted nothing more to do with ex, other friends drifted away totally