Facebook, friends and the OW

[TryingToForgeAnewLife]

STBXH left me for OW. He defriended me from FB. We had friends that we have known over 20 year's, socialised together etc. STBXH, OW and friends are now doing the socialising as we once did.

I have been VERY hurt by this as they started socialising after only 4 months. They know he was unfaithful but maintain they are both our friends so want to see him. I have no issue with that but don't see why it currently has to extend to OW. Obviously in the future that will happen but l have been very upset by their apparent acceptance of her.

So on to my question!!

I am FB friends with my friends. Female friend has her friend list closed as do l. Male friends is open and l can see OW is not on his friend list.

Friends have tagged themself into a location. It is not a public post. OW has liked this post.

Does that mean OW and female friend are FB friends too?

UPDATE: l defriended and blocked FF and her husband from FB.

She text me last week asking how l was and what l was up to that weekend. She then asked if l had deactivated my FB account or had blocked her. I told her I'd blocked her. She replied "oh ok". Not heard from her since.

Sounds like you’re best rid of her. If she was a real friend she’d want to find out why and work it out with you.

It is a horrible situation to be in. And I think unless someone has been through it they have no idea the hurt and betrayal that goes with being left and cheated on.

My circle of friends has changed. Sadly the way it goes. I don't want to see people who except ex and his shitty excuses for walking away from me. He just out for himself. They are all nobs.

Well done for cutting ff out. Surround yourself with people who support you.

It is incredibly hurtful. When I found out XH was cheating on me, I was horrified when a close friend (and also a neighbour) turned round and said 'well, he hasn't done anything to me, so I'll still speak to him.' XH would speak to her, but not seek out her company (he was an antisocial git) and she and I were close. I still have her as a friend on Facebook and on the rare occasions when we meet, she is all over me like a rash, but I have never felt the same towards her since. I have made new friends and gloat that XH's new wife doesn't even have him as a Facebook friend...

Good job on blocking her. I would have also blocked her phone number too.

Many thanks everyone. I did consider blocking her number but l was concerned that if she couldn't contact me, she'd turn up at my work which would be awful.

I stayed loyal to a wife in your position. Really loyal. She fell out with me years later over politics. Your friends are right not to get involved, you can’t win.

I had this 4 years ago. It hurts, sorry OP.

I unfriended anyone sitting on the fence as it was doing my head in. I unfriendly his mates too. It was a preservation order and it worked for me.

I never looked back and built a new life without them. I’m pleasant if I see them, but I don’t miss them. They were part of a previous life.

I recommend it. This is about you, feeling better and starting a new chapter.

Best wishes

Interesting that the only reason she's texted you is to confirm that you'd blocked her on FB. If she really was a friend, then she'd be in touch trying to find a way to reach an agreement with you so that you could stay friends. "Oh OK" doesn't sound like she's that bothered.

Concentrate on the people who do value you, and bin off the people that don't. I realise that relationships break down but if one of my couple friends split due to one of them having an affair, then I'd find it difficult to stay friends with the cheater.

@LittleCandle gloating that your XH and his wife are not FB friends is really sad, I mean this in the nicest possible way - you need to forget about all that sh*t.

I'm not FB friends with my DP, we see each other/talk/message all the time - we don't need to be FB friends. I find the idea of his XW is gloating about that laughable.

And yes OP, drop unsupportive people quietly and without drama. They have the right to make their own choices and so do you.

And to those who judge 'the cheater' - my XH told people I'd had an affair because I moved on quickly (I'd checked out emotionally years before) and he lacked the self awareness to accept that he could be in any way to blame for the end of our marriage. People I thought were friends dropped me as a result without even speaking to me about it, it made me a bit sad at the time but they clearly weren't friends after all.

I think it is these life changing events that show us which friends are genuine
^ THIS 100%

My ExP is a narc and very charming and a complete liar so he basically kept all our friends in this area.
I literally have none.
He cheated and everyone knew this but they all welcomed OW with open arms.
It fucking hurts - still does - 18 months on.
But I just blocked them all.
I have other wonderful friends so I'm lucky.

Well done on blocking your 'friend' on FB.
She's not a real friend, as you've had to learn the hard way.
People are so friggin' fickle with no moral fibre and we don't need those kinds of people in our lives.

This thread has really made me think! When my daughter split from her abusive ex most of her friends blocked him, but not all, and she was gutted. BUT I'm fb friends with my brother's ex. We don't communicate but...have to think!

But what was the reason for your brother's breakup as that would make a difference in my opinion.

I am FB friends with my sisters ex husband. She left him as she just wasn't happy. They have both moved on and are married to other people. Ex BIL was part of my life for many years.

Yes, I see your point TryingTo They married young (she got pregnant at 19 he wasn't much older) and they drifted apart after a couple of years. So I suppose no one was to 'blame' if that's the right word.

OP, was your stbxh in the Facebook post? If he 'liked' it, she could have seen it that way?!

I've been in your position. It's awful, it makes you feel vulnerable. Not only has your ex trampled on you, but your apparent friends are indifferent to it.

Don't make your friends chose, op, although, it my book they've kind of already made the choice.

Just minimal contact with all of them and try and heal. Unfollow them on FB or deactivate your account for a while. No good will come of you actively looking...I learned that gem the hard way, too

He's probably also fun and happy on nights out, whereas you're a bit withdrawn and sad about the separation.

You might run him down, which makes them feel uncomfortable, while he never mentions you.

You make them feel bad and guilty about continuing to be his friend, while he doesn't mind that they're friends with you.

So basically, the tosspot, by virtue of being a tosspot, has got the upper-hand?

Pretty sure if OP had acted the tosspot and all the friends had flocked to her, her stbxh-tosspot would feel the way OP does

And the only reason tosspot doesn't mention OP is because he has a shiny new victim on his arm, and his friends around him.

You're damn right the man isn't feeling withdrawn and is fun at parties, he's lost nothing!

Of course, that was the point of my post.

The cult of personality, where style is valued over substance.

Annoying when your friends haven't got the moral fibre to see through it.

That would be too hurtful for me. Deep breath OP, find some new friends, join meet up groups etc whatever it takes to have new social circles. New beginnings.

I think it's actually really difficult for other people to fully understand the way you feel if they have never experienced the betrayal themselves. All that actually happened in my case was my true friends rose to the occasion. Any who can't empathise aren't worth your effort

So true. Some people love the drama of it all too.

Block & move on OP💐

Anyone who's friends with the people tagged could have liked that post. So if your sbxh was tagged and she's friends with him, then she would have liked it.

I've told all my friends, common or otherwise that it's completely up to them whether they invite stbxh to things. I won't mind either way, just don't expect me to organise it. They contact him directly. I don't think you should tell people who they can or can't be friends with and just because a relationship didn't work out, doesn't mean that they're not a good friend. If they don't want to be at the same events then maybe stagger the invitations.

You did the right thing. Her reaction says it all. Not even an attempt to ask how you are doing. Clearly they were more your ex's friends then yours so concentrate on the ones loyal to you.

This would have been very different if it was two years on but like you said, it's still very raw. I don't get how she is so insensitive to how hurt you would be feeling.

Put them all out of your mind. At least you now know who you can trust and depend on.

I haven't heard from FF since she asked if I'd blocked her. I actually feel ok with this decision as l won't be wondering if they've seen him or if they like her more than me etc. That pressure has been lifted.

I just know that l wouldn't do what she has done so soon.

Also ... yes l am sure my ex and OW are lot's more fun to be with.... afterall I'm the one stuck at home with the kids whilst they go on their 3rd holiday in 6 months

I was in your position too, I decided that I would start with a clean slate and stopped any contact with friends who continued to be friends with exh. It was difficult as some of them live only three and six houses down from me but it helped me to move on and stop ruminating.

I suppose it's a scorched earth policy and I applied it ruthlessly. I've never regretted it, the pain in the first few weeks and months of realising that people I had trusted when I was vulnerable were hanging out with exp and ow was so awful I realised it was part of the no contact process that I needed to do to heal.

Perhaps come off social media for a year or two bevause after all it's a world of fakery and you're going to be open to being repeatedly hurt each time you see something new.
My dad left his lovely DP after nearly 20 years together to be with another woman. Sometimes he brings new woman to stay at our house and sometimes photos of these weekends end up on Facebook. I'm not friends with my dads new (2 years) DP on Facebook but my dads ex and I are and to her it might look like we're all playing happy families but it's not at all. I just need to have my dad in mine and DD's life. In fact I don't trust his new DP at all but have to just put up with her for the sake of peace.
What I'm trying to say is that photos lie about the real dynamics and don't do your own head in obsessing over whether your friends are seeing OW or not. It's not good to be controlling. It will be so much easier for you to move on if you just get rid of FB.