Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Affair

54 replies

Andy15 · 06/05/2018 07:34

I'm 33, been married for 9 years with two kids. I've been having an affair with a woman from work for the past 5 months, the connection we've had has been like nothing I've experienced before. We we're both falling in too deep so she called it a day, she couldn't live with the thought of breaking up a marriage (her parents divorced when she was very young).

I'm now going to try and give my marriage another go, but I can't stop thinking about the other woman.

I don't find my wife sexualy attractive anymoe and not sure I love her anymore.

What can I do to try and find the spark we once had?

OP posts:

mrsjackrussell · 06/05/2018 07:38

Your poor wife. Does she know? How old are the children?

UniqueAsAUnicorn · 06/05/2018 07:40

Definitely tell your wife the truth. That you're a weak, morally compromised, cheating coward.

She might make your dilemma much easier for you.

SoleBizzz · 06/05/2018 07:43

Your Wife has a right to know what you have Done! The decision of whether you stay together is not yours to make.

peanutbutterbanana1 · 06/05/2018 07:43

Just leave, your wife deserves better. Or at least give her the decision to see if she wants to save your marriage. The fact that the OW ended it and not you says it all. Why would you put your wife through that!

CanIBuffalo · 06/05/2018 07:44

Your wife needs to know that you've been compromising her sexual health.

letsdolunch321 · 06/05/2018 07:47

Your wife deserves better than a lying scumbag who has decided I’ll have to give it another go now the woman has bowed out.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 06/05/2018 07:49

You do realise you are going to get totally flamed.
You don't find your wife sexually attractive any more - she's borne your 2 children. How many children has your cheating side-kick had? (My guess would be none).
Your cheating side-kick is a total hypocrite.
You need to grow up.
for your wife - she deserves someone much better than you.

Abitlost2015 · 06/05/2018 07:51

It’s usually easier to keep the spark when you don’t distract yourself starting a different fire.

Bananamanfan · 06/05/2018 07:51

Yep, I agree with a pp. Your wife needs to know the facts about her marriage to be able to decide whether she wants to continue. And grow up, with your stupid 'connection', write a Mills & Boon or something.

category12 · 06/05/2018 07:53

Were you planning on leaving your wife if ow hadn't dumped you?

DamsonOnThisDress · 06/05/2018 07:56

If you don't love your wife or find her attractive it's dead in the water is it not?

Not really fair to her to carry on with her completely unaware that she isn't valued at all.

Stay away from the woman and if you really don't love your wife end things in the least cruel way possible. Being involved with someone else is incredibly cruel.

I really feel for your wife. Sounds like you've made up your mind and she has no idea. Show her some respect and be honest with her. As gently as you can. If that's possible in the circumstances.

SoapOnARoap · 06/05/2018 07:57

The connection for you is sexual, I don’t think you’ll get it back

sleepxxx · 06/05/2018 07:57

Couldn't live with the thought of breaking up a marriage...BUT...1000000's of unattached men but you allowed yourself to get close to a married one? Sorry that's bull shit.

If you don't love your wife etc leave her. Things change it's not nice but it happens. But I'm sure finding out a other women is involved will hurt her a lot more than just ending it.

Grow some balls

Original poster

Andy15 · 06/05/2018 08:01

I know I have been a complete bastard, and your comments are fair. I should have written more in the first post, not trying to justify what I've done. My wife and I haven't been intimate for over a year, she has shown no interest in even touching me. She tells me she still loves me so I want to make it work.

I'm trying to get the marriage back on track, we once loved each other and sure we can again. I love my two kids more than anything.

I have read loads of posts on here and elsewhere about telling her, seems most of the posts on here say don't tell husband when it's been the wife cheating but somehow reversed if it's the man cheating.

OP posts:

BossBaby7 · 06/05/2018 08:05

Tell your wife and then if she wants to try and save it and youre serious about trying do it or agree to divorce. There is no undo button its done now. Its not up to you to give it a chancs it has to be her choice too.

I hope she was worth it because your life is about to blow up spectacularly.

BossBaby7 · 06/05/2018 08:06

Yeah because the woman is often financially vulnerable unlike you. What do you want us to say since youve done your research then?

category12 · 06/05/2018 08:06

Were you planning on leaving your wife if the ow hadn't dumped you?

BossBaby7 · 06/05/2018 08:08

Hes only going back tohis wife because he cant bear being lonely.. shes a temporary ego fix until he cheats again.

Namethecat · 06/05/2018 08:12

You'll be telling us the reason why you don't find your wife sexually attractive is because she's let her self go after having your children . Leave now, you do not deserve her.

StarlightSparkle · 06/05/2018 08:13

If someone’s being cheated on I think they have a right to know, man or woman.

It’s not fair on your wife to stay with her just for the kids when she has no idea what’s going on in your head. She deserves to know the truth so she can think about what she wants.

The OW is full of shit. If you don’t want to break up a marriage, stay away from married men. It’s really not that hard.

DamsonOnThisDress · 06/05/2018 08:20

I know what you mean. I hate the double standards on MN but the difference here for me is you said you don't find her attractive and no longer love her.

If you had said you loved her I'd say cut all contact with the OW and work on your marriage. Counselling, whatever. But if you don't love her or want her I think you're on a hiding to nothing and this really isn't fair on her.

No intimacy is difficult I know, but a lot of relationships go through that. It's not uncommon. Thank goodness not all partners go off elsewhere to get it.

The intimacy thing could have been worked with but if there's no love I'm not sure you can. If you've cheated then you may have blown any chance of getting it back again. Tbh I think you've lost that right. You should have talked to your wife not gone elsewhere.

I suppose all you can do now is start being honest like you should have done before. Hope that she is willing to work on the marriage and perhaps seek counselling. But don't be surprised if she is not willing. You are about to blow her world apart.

Do not put the affair on her and the lack of intimacy. That's too cruel. And very unfair. It's hard but it's not an excuse to betray someone that way. Plenty don't have an affair in similar situations. You chose to. Please don't intimate that she played a part in it. That won't help you move forward, believe me.

northbynorthwesty · 06/05/2018 08:24

Why don’t you make an effort with your wife? Maybe she doesn’t find you attractive and has been having an affair ?

BossBaby7 · 06/05/2018 08:25

Is it any wonder she isnt intimate with you when you say you dont feel sexually attracted to her? None of that makes you the bad guy its the fact that you cheated rather than work on things or divorce. Youre selfish.

BossBaby7 · 06/05/2018 08:27

Ow is thinking of her own reputation at work now she has you hooked the thrill is over. It has fuckall with her sob parent divorce story as she would have given you a wide berth if it were true.
What a mug you have been.

Original poster

Andy15 · 06/05/2018 08:29

Thanks for the response. I didn't say I didn't love her anymore, only that I was unsure if I still did. I want to work on the marriage to try find what's been missing between us.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3