Affair

[Andy15]

I'm 33, been married for 9 years with two kids. I've been having an affair with a woman from work for the past 5 months, the connection we've had has been like nothing I've experienced before. We we're both falling in too deep so she called it a day, she couldn't live with the thought of breaking up a marriage (her parents divorced when she was very young).

I'm now going to try and give my marriage another go, but I can't stop thinking about the other woman.

I don't find my wife sexualy attractive anymoe and not sure I love her anymore.

What can I do to try and find the spark we once had?

Actually on second thoughts, even though I agreed about the double standards on MN, I think it's odd you've gone straight onto that in your second post.

You're either a WUM or genuine enough but not in the least bit remorseful about cheating on your wife and have already gone on the defensive.

If this is true and not designed to spark a woman v man mess of a thread then what did you expect? People to say poor you, you weren't getting any, of course you would cheat?

Either way it suggests that people are possibly wasting their time replying. It's either not real or you really aren't capable of accepting the gravity of what you've done and can't make things right with your wife. And you can't if you're defensive and minimising already.

A good friend’s husband did this. Said he would work on the marriage. Made his wife think it was her fault for letting the marriage go stale. Made her think the marriage could be saved. He said the affair was over but he kept going back and fore - couldn’t resist the attraction to the other woman. Not his fault though. He has to see her every day at work and they were meant to be. Played the poor tortured soul who wanted to be with his kids but couldn’t stop the thing with the other woman. Eventually he did the right thing and left. Moved in with the other woman, who made life difficult for him in order to push the divorce. Didn’t want to be named as an adulterer even though the other woman was now pregnant.

The divorce came through on his baby’s first birthday. He was home and dry. Wrong. She left him 2 weeks later for another man.

His ex-wife marries a lovely man this summer.

He’s on his own having his kids every other weekend and still having to see the OW every day at work.

It’s pretty delicious karma.

How can a marriage ever get 'back on track' with such a secret between the two of you? If you did 'get back on track' how on earth would you live with your conscience? It will NEVER be ok or back to what it was with this hanging over - how would you be able to look her in the eyes and genuinely tell her you love her knowing what you've done? That is not true love.

The only thing to do now is tell her what you've done and separate. Use the tiny bit of respect you have left for your wife to let her choose what she now does with her life.

3 sentences - containing "I" 4 times.
It's not all about you.
What's missing in your marriage - make "honesty" your starting point.
Previous posters have all been very polite - but it's still quite early on a Sunday morning.
for your wife and children - they deserve much better.

Either give your marriage 100% or let it go. You can't make it work if you're harking back to the 'connection' you had with your mistress.
And whatever you do, do not tell your wife about the affair. This will do nothing but hurt her. You may wish to purge your conscience but to what end? All you would do is ease your guilt, when it is in fact your guilt to bear.

What's missing from your marriage?

Well according to you it was intimacy. If you'd really addressed that you could have worked on it.

What's missing now? Respect, loyalty, faithfulness, honesty, known sexual history...

You have crossed a line many can't come back from. It's huge. For now you need to stop harping back to the lack of intimacy. Not least because it sounds like you are trying to absolve yourself of blame.

Stop naval gazing about what is missing, put your wife and family first by addressing what you've done first off. IF she chooses to stay with you then you can look into the state of your marriage when she's ready.

You need to decide what you actually want.

What's missing from your marriage?

Well according to you it was intimacy. If you'd really addressed that you could have worked on it.

What's missing now? Respect, loyalty, faithfulness, honesty, known sexual history...

This is one of the most insightful things I have ever read on MN.

OP with the situation as is, your marriage really isn't going to last till you grow old together, is it? So come clean and rebuild from scratch (if that's what you wife wants), or call it a day - no point dragging out the inevitable.

Disquieted1 How can a person give 100% to their marriage when they've been so deceitful? Telling her is not to ease his conscience but to give her the choice if she wants to stay with someone that is capable of such betrayal. You can't possibly give 100% without being completely honest and open.

Please tell your wife. She deserves the chance to leave you if she decides to. You cheated, you lied, you came running back when the other woman dumped you. You can bet your wife will lose respect for you like you have her.

Bluebell,
I've learned not to get into debates on here. My comments were for the OP. If you disagree, that is your prerogative.

Must be tough being dumped and trying to swallow it's because she was falling for you too deeply.

The other woman dumped you because she couldn’t face breaking up a marriage? Remember, you showed her who you were when you willingly betrayed your wife and the mother of your children- why would she want to be 100%comitted to a man willing to act like you did?

Blimey..no worries..

Wow OP you sound like a right catch, no doubt women are lining the pavements waiting for you to give them attention.

Not sure whether your work allows inter office affairs, but the manly thing to do is to tell your wife the truth and to give her the choice as to whether she wants to continue living with a whiny spineless worm like yourself. "Oh poor me my wife wont suck my dingle anymore". Maybe it is smelly have you ever considered that! Just maybe you are not that good in the sack hence why she got bored of your sex life. Maybe touching you makes her skin crawl.

And I can guarantee you that she will know something is up, women are not stupid.

Op, was this the first time you have been unfaithful?

There are lots of reasons why marriages go through tough times and that causes distance or loss of connection.

What is needed during these times is commitment (as per your vows) however you have taken the easy way out and chosen to go outside your marriage.

This says something about you and that is what you need to focus on as otherwise you will just repeat the same mistake with OW.

OW feels special to you now as your wife was once but its more exciting as its illicit.

I have seen this story play out so many times and it invariably ends the same.2nd marriage falters as the first did except you will now be seeing your children less and will be less financially secure.

You need to decide what are your values rather than chase the high of an affair.
Rather than focus on OW you need to be looking at yourself, when did you give yourself permission to treat your wife badly? What story were you telling yourself to justify it? What other options could you explored before choosing to have an affair?
At some stage you could have took a different path, perhaps to avoid having open conversations with your wife about your feelings...that would have been real intimacy and maybe you ran away from that?

You should tell your wife. Let her decide whether she wants decide if she wants to continue in a relationship with you.

That should have read:

You should tell your wife. Let her decide whether she wants to continue in a relationship with you.
What you’ve done is awful and unfair.

I’m the daughter of a cheater. I’ve seen first hand what an affair does and how it destroys lives.

You and OW are both fuckwits! Nothing else to say.
Tell your beautiful wife the truth and let her slam the door in your face!

Boo hoo I haven’t had sex with my wife so I went elsewhere. Poor me

You sir are a cowardly c@nt.

A decent man would have made an effort to make their wife feel special and loved and sexy so she would want to have sex with him. Not fool about with the easiest slag going.

Oh and if it was a woman who said this, I would tell the fuckwit the same. Makes no difference in sexes! So stop with your double standards bollocks!

OP - you were 24 when you married. And now you are both different people. And neither of you find each other attractive.

Ask yourself - if you didnt have children - would you still be together?

It’s never a good reason to stay for the kids - not in the long run.

You are both still so young - and can still find people that you’ll be happy with. Or, you can wait for another 10 years - and live a miserable life that at some point your kids would pick up on.
And then - when kids are older - your marriage will fall apart anyway.

And - please - don’t tell your W. No reason to hurt her unnecessarily - and it’ll only leave one option.
Your affair is a symptom of the problem - not the cause.
She lost attraction to you; you didn’t as well. There are issues in the relationship that need fixing.
Try that first.

Have you discussed why there's been no intimacy for over a year?

Surprisingly when she finds out about the affair...you may suddenly see she's very much willing to have sex...it's called hysterical bonding.

I have to say...I don't know why one should be totally surprised their spouse has strayed in a sexless marriage - unless its sexless by mutual agreement.

OP - I'm not saying whether or not you should tell her ...but you do need to address the issue of intimacy....otherwise you'll just go on to have more affairs.

Some things which affect female libido are:

•Tiredness
•Looking after young kids
•Resentment over issues like doing all/most of the housework, childcare
•Body image
•Lack of romance
•Feeling taken for granted
•unfullfilling sex

Damson's absolutely nailed it. You need to tell your wife so she can make an informed decision on whether to waste anything further on you.

Actually OP, I've read quite a few cheating wife posts on MN recently and they have also got a flaming and been told to tell the husband.

You need to get your head out of your ass. All I am hearing in your posts is me me me. You have completely destroyed the marriage you had. You cannot now go back and work on that marriage because the love, trust and respect that you had with your wife before cheating no longer exists. Either you rebuild the relationship from scratch (having told your wife what you have done), or leave.

And as for your OW, what a fucking scrunt. Put stop to things as she couldn't bare the thought of breaking up a marriage? Should have thought of that before opening her legs.

That being said, you are the married one and what you have done is disgusting. In fact, scrap that. You are disgusting.

Fucking leave and let your poor wife rebuild her life.