emotional affair

[Whyisit]

I have NC for this as I have finally accepted I am in one and need to lose the denial. WHY AM I DOING THIS. I’m prepared to get roasted

Backstory:
Both have kids, he’s married I’m single right now and we are colleagues. out of the blue 2 years ago he said he fancied me and I admitted I did fancy him too and both surprised because we had hidden it till then, but we decided never to act on it because we like being friends.

Current situation:
He kissed me one time and it was overwhelming for us both with guilt. now we are in a complicated toxic mess emotionally as this has got out of control and had a huge row. I accused him of playing mind games and he is now feeling really guilty but asking for us to stay friends but i said it’s gone too far, we can’t. He is chasing me one moment so bad then rejecting me the next but to be fair I do this to him too. We can’t even act normal around each other anymore we become nervous sweaty wrecks.

He makes it worse by telling me he’s with his wife out of obligation which can’t be true. I think I might be doing the pick me dance.i can’t go on anymore like this, the guilt and rejection is awful. I wish I hated him as it would make it so much easier though I hate myself enough right now but I still want him which is insane. Sometimes I feel angry and used like I’m just his ego boost but he also makes me feel like the most beautiful woman he’s ever met so it’s my ego too. It’s a real rollercoaster although we can go a week without talking at all so it’s not 24/7 intense.

Thanks for reading any advice or opinions is welcome

Well done for admitting to yourself what is going on. Now you need to act like he's nothing to you, consistently. Fake it till you make it. How easy is it to avoid him at work?

He's a shit isn't he. Why can't you just tell him to fuck off.

He has a wife at home!

Thank you
It is easy to avoid him most of the times and we talk by text or email. we are both guilty of inventing situations where we have to see each other, even socially which is how our argument started this time so I need to stop doing things like that.

I think treat it like an addiction
You get massive highs and then massive lows and to stop the lows being so awful you go in for another hit, to postpone the pain of having to deal with the reality of it.

How would anyone else who was an addict try and get off what they’re hooked on? Cold turkey, admitting you have a problem with it? No more fantasising that it’s ok?

All that will happen in this situation is you will destroy yourself. He will probably walk away relatively unscathed and you could waste years playing this game.

Why not block him on your phone so he can't contact you by text, or phone calls..

Just want to add, if it was exposed to your spouse's, it likely will not end well, you kissed each other, that's more than an emotional affair, that is cheating...I would cut contact with him and focus on my marriage of I was you...

Honestly can you change your workplace?

We both have addictive personalities and we’ve talked about that that it feels like addiction. It’s like I know what I’m risking but keep doing it anyway because it feels like nothing else. We both know it’s not ok and in a battle against having sex with each other (which we have never done) so I’m always telling myself it would be crap sex, make everything worse blah blah but the no sex is just a big a problem as having sex because it’s a crazy fantasy so you begin to talk about having sex to get it out of your system which is fucking stupid. I don’t like the feeling I get around him and he doesn’t like it round me it’s scary and overwhelming and then he’s an asshole to me then that makes it worse because you almost want to have angry intense sex more. to be crude I’ve never felt this turned on and attracted to anyone in my whole life and that’s what I am struggling to let go of

When he kissed me I pushed him away. It wasn’t a long proper kiss. But I regretted pushing him away and if intensified the crazy feelings more

This is not real
It’s all fantasy
Stop and think - you will destroy yourself
You will destroy his wife
You will destroy his children’s lives.
You will never be able to continue without some massive fallout
Go and look at some photos of his kids and ask yourself, do I want to destroy their childhood

If he’s so unhappy he’s got to take responsibility for that himself and do what he needs to do.
But this way: only destruction will ensue

Put yourself in your husband's place...how would you feel if you found out your husband was having an emotional affair with a woman and that they had kissed and that they were addicted to each other and that he "almost want to have angry intense sex more. " And that he says " I’ve never felt this turned on and attracted to anyone in my whole life"...how would you feel if your husband confessed all that to you, I imagined you would be hurt, angry, all your trust would be gone, you might not even want to be with him since he is more attracted to the other woman than you....well that is what is going to happen when your husband finds out about this "emotional affair"...you need to wake up and realise you are married, before you ruin two marriages over a silly affair ...

This is what I have decided to do. I want to understand why I am doing it too maybe that will help? What am I missing, how did I get here? If I don’t face up to all those reasons I might just keep going back

Sorry I’m not married I don’t have a partner

It is easy to pretend that someone else’s wife doesn’t exist which is horrible.

He’s removed me from all social media channels, and never through iMessage. we aren’t stupid enough to get caught saying anything silly on workplace emails. Neither of us wants to change jobs but we don’t work in the same office anymore we never have to see each other except maybe once a year at a Work event (daytime)
We can avoid each other

It is a stupid fucking fantasy I know

Get yourself to a counsellor asap
And try and work out why you are addicted to this fantasy.
Otherwise you’ll continue to repeat the same patterns over and over with him or with others.
Go totally no contact.
Can you not see what an awful person he is?? To you, to his wife?

Ignore the fantasy rubbish and look at the reality!!

It probably made you flattered at the time. It probably is an addiction. In the long term , it is going nowhere.
Value yourself more. Find an unmarried admirer.

He is a horrible person but probably so am I.

He’s a clone of the first guy I fell in love with when I was a teenager. We were on and off for years with him keep rejecting me then coming back and we had crazy sex. I wanted to be chosen, I wanted to be enough. He broke my heart so many times and I let him. I’ve since made my peace with him about it which helped but I don’t think I’ve ever been in love again since and I probably value myself in terms of sex rather than who I am as a person. I can’t make someone love me but maybe the closest next thing is for them to want to have sex with you, is it a power? I think he feels exact same way as this. So he’s not rejecting me romantically he’s rejecting me sexually and that’s what I’ve built my worth on and maybe I want to just win the battle. Because I am desirable enough.

His poor wife It's time for you to stop pretending she doesn't exist, spend some time reading the posts on this board and see how much pain and upheaval you're potentially causing, that should hopefully make it easier to stay away.

The more I write the more horrible it feels to really look at this horrible side of myself. but it’s better out than in. I’ve had counselling before and i think I should go back for sure

The argument we had was because he led me to believe he would have sex with me, led me all the way on then I felt foolish and chasing him then fully rejected me. Then made me feel that in some way I rejected him and didn’t read his fucking mind about him saying no was meaning ‘yes’. Maybe I would like it if he left his wife but probably not. No one has ever or will ever probably marry me and the emotional part of this connection is that we are all too aware that we are fucking assholes and all the sad excuses as to why, we know we are bad for each other too alike and messed up

Sometimes it’s easy to get embroiled with someone when you do the whole “we are both so fucked up” line
But at the end of the day, he has a wife and kids and a job and a house and respectability. He is not some deeply damaged person who’s struggling in life like you. He’s a user.

You should 100% see a decent psychiatrist to work out why you have such low self worth. It’s incredibly destructive to you to feel that all your worth is in sex and competing and finally winning. But you do know, you never actually win.

His poor wife!
She deserves better! He doesn't deserve her. You deserve each other.

It’s not an emotionally charged drama between two complex, fascinating people with additive personalities.

You’re single, maybe lonely, fancy him, and have been led on by his mixed messages, which he is spewing out because he’s bored and selfish and doesn’t mind betraying his wife.

Very old and very boring narrative. Remind yourself you’re better than that and you want more. Have a word with yourself and cut it off.

I got into similar situation with an old ex but never met him, whereas he wanted to meet up with me. It is an addiction. I have been no contact for nearly 7 weeks and am so glad I've kept my dignity and walked away. No contact is the only way

Let me tell you how things are from the 'wife's' side. I was due to get married in 5 weeks and I've just had to cancel the entire wedding because my 'D' partner 'thought' he wanted to have sex with someone else and took her out for dinner, over 18 months. Apparently it never went further than kissing in the car (yeah, righto).

This has devastated me. Absolutely wiped out the last 10 years of my life and everything I believed. I cannot stop thinking about it, and the images I have won't disappear. I'm going round in circles and it's agony, pure agony. I've told him exactly what I think; I've hit rock bottom there. Now, I want to tell the OW exactly what I think of her; I want to tell her husband that he apparently called her and interrupted them 'kissing in the car', once. HER life would likely take on the agony that is mine. She deserves it. But I won't do that. Instead, I will suffer this as I have to and wish that my bank holiday weekend could be as nice as I was expecting it to be. I will wish that my wedding day could have even taken place, let alone been a lovely day. But none of those things can happen now. Because of a pathetic kiss and 18 months of lies and deceit. The sun is shining and it's shit. Utter shit.

So, knock yourself out girl. Go and be the woman who can destroy someone else's life and think you're lucky for bagging this charmer.

FUCKING WAKE UP YOU SELFISH, IGNORANT, STUPID PERSON.

I’m sorry about what has happened to you. I don’t feel lucky but I’m not looking for sympathy. I also want to get out of this situation once and for all. I do not want to destroy anything or anyone. It is all built on some stupid fucking fantasy I think he’s getting off on the power trip and I AM lonely and sad. I’m not winning anything, I’ve got no dignity left. I did want to be honest (with myself) as you guys are a bunch of strangers and I have nothing to lose telling the truth even if it is an ugly truth.

I don’t want this man
I don’t want his wife or children to be hurt
I have blocked him now
I was in denial about it but the humiliation of it all has finally sunken in and I want to use that to be a better person and not hide it. You cannot make me feel any more ashamed of myself than I already do

Despite all of this feelings don’t go away suddenly even bad ones and I have to work through them

I think a lot of cheats keep on running away from shame because it’s too painful to face and I don’t want to take that route