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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

emotional affair

66 replies

Whyisit · 05/05/2018 13:28

I have NC for this as I have finally accepted I am in one and need to lose the denial. WHY AM I DOING THIS. I’m prepared to get roasted

Backstory:
Both have kids, he’s married I’m single right now and we are colleagues. out of the blue 2 years ago he said he fancied me and I admitted I did fancy him too and both surprised because we had hidden it till then, but we decided never to act on it because we like being friends.

Current situation:
He kissed me one time and it was overwhelming for us both with guilt. now we are in a complicated toxic mess emotionally as this has got out of control and had a huge row. I accused him of playing mind games and he is now feeling really guilty but asking for us to stay friends but i said it’s gone too far, we can’t. He is chasing me one moment so bad then rejecting me the next but to be fair I do this to him too. We can’t even act normal around each other anymore we become nervous sweaty wrecks.

He makes it worse by telling me he’s with his wife out of obligation which can’t be true. I think I might be doing the pick me dance.i can’t go on anymore like this, the guilt and rejection is awful. I wish I hated him as it would make it so much easier though I hate myself enough right now but I still want him which is insane. Sometimes I feel angry and used like I’m just his ego boost but he also makes me feel like the most beautiful woman he’s ever met so it’s my ego too. It’s a real rollercoaster although we can go a week without talking at all so it’s not 24/7 intense.

Thanks for reading any advice or opinions is welcome

OP posts:

Dozer · 05/05/2018 16:47

If you want to feel better, only date nice men who are single.

This loser was never your friend.

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 05/05/2018 16:57

I can sympathise with you. This is how I met my DH. He was a lot more senior than me but we somehow always found ways to be near each other at work, we would go for lunch or just sit and talk then one night we were at a work event and we had sex and the relationship became more intense. He left his partner and we are together now. What I would say it hasn’t been easy but we are crazy about each other so in the end it’s worth it but my DH never treated me the way he is treating you.
Keep your dignity and don’t contact or speak to him again.

Dozer · 05/05/2018 16:59

Good luck with that. Hope your DH wasn’t a father.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2018 17:00

You could stop if you wanted to

eightfacesofthemoon · 05/05/2018 17:05

@anyfucker
Even you, after years of this, know it’s not that simple, otherwise all people would leave the first time they were punched, or the first time they were belittled.

Men like this are master manipulators. And then those men can smell a confused, self hating person a mile off.

I think in a way you might of come on here for a bashing. Some kind of self flagellation. To prove how fucked up you are to yourself.

That’s just as destructive in my opinion

Go and get proper RL help immediately, or one day you’ll wake up and be in your 70s and still be beating yourself up about all of the mistakes you made “that weren’t your fault, you were just fucked up”

Original poster

Whyisit · 05/05/2018 17:14

I do date, I did have a relationship but it didn’t progress very far though I tried to give it my all. During that time it was easier to cut down our contact. I never look for any of this in a real relationship, don’t sleep with people easily, am open and caring and don’t want to play games. Despite getting knocked down I keep getting back up and trying at life. I’m successful at work and have lovely kids I think I’m just not emotionally fulfilled I.e lonely and have been for a long time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whyisit · 05/05/2018 17:20

This situation makes me hate myself. I don’t know if I do hate myself if/when he’s out of my life. I know I will feel better and can rebuild. I can’t do that while he’s around.
Things get so twisted, even after hurting me badly he manages to turn it around so I am saying sorry to him! It’s all games and manipulation with me just wanting to know where I stand. Even when I feel like I’m back in control, he’s so good at taking it back somehow. Actually for ages even though i fancied him being around him made me feel wildly uncomfortable and panicky. Now he panics around me but I think it’s been an act 🤔

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 05/05/2018 17:27

Op, find Facing Love Addiction on amazon, it’s such a helpful read.
You’ve made a really good move blocking him.

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/05/2018 17:42

Of course it’s an act. It’s all just bullshit.

Original poster

Whyisit · 05/05/2018 17:49

I felt really intimidated by him for some time. Not scared but uncomfortable when alone. His persistence paid off and I have felt different - sexual towards him. Once this happened then now he’s the panicky sweaty one around me. It is weird how I went from him actively pursuing me to ‘you are too sexy I can’t be around you’ but ‘you are so beautiful and I need you as my friend’
My head has been fucked

OP posts:

SunshineandRain18 · 05/05/2018 18:24

Its too late you and him have already done the damage to his wife and kids.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 05/05/2018 19:31

Block all contact with him ..you can do it, you can control yourself and end it(if you can't control yourself around him then I'm sorry but you shouldn't be let out in public)

Don't be THAT woman who steals another woman's man, find your own man that is single and leave him alone, why should his family be broken apart forever and his kids childhood traumatised just because you have a sexual fantasy...it's beyond selfish,

Itwasntmehonest · 05/05/2018 21:03

Stop this now! I've been where you are, and it doesn't end well. Tell him to block you on all means of contact, and you do the same. If I could go back, I would have done exactly that. I'm 18mths on and have so many regrets. Don't make the same mistake.

Original poster

Whyisit · 05/05/2018 21:21

I can control myself, it feels like you can’t when you have been drinking and are frustrated and lonely and down. In 2 years we have not had sex and that’s been both of us rejecting each other at different times when it comes to it although I think it hurts me more than it hurts him. Whenever he wants me I don’t want him and when I want him he doesn’t want me. Not sure if this makes sense but anyway

He’s messaging me from another IG account that he’s sad about what happened and wishes it was different. He prob won’t make this easy for me but laying it all out has helped me and I’m going to get the book someone recommended

OP posts:

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 05/05/2018 22:54

Yes, it makes sense, the push-pull is all part of the addiction and the game.

Cold turkey, now, today. Block all forms of communication, do not engineer attempts to be near to him at work. Avoid him and don't speak to him unless it's in a professional context. Be cold and polite if you do need to speak to him, ignore the sweaty panicky act.

Nothing else will help - do this now or you'll soon be looking back on at least another 2 years wasted. You need to act like he's nothing to you until it becomes the truth. It won't take as long as you think.

CharlieBoo · 05/05/2018 23:49

He is a liar
He is a cheat
He is using you
He is not going to leave his wife for you
I’ve been the wife on the receiving end of this and believe me this man is not your friend. He wants to have his cake and eat it and rwally has no regard for your feelings or his wife’s, only his.

Tell him to fuck off and mean it.. tell him you and his wife deserve a whole lot more than this. And you do, you really do. Your life will be living with whatever time he can spare you... who wants to live like that.

Original poster

Whyisit · 05/05/2018 23:51

Thanks yeah I blocked that too now

He didn’t wait long before making sure I know how depressed he is about it all. I woke up today to the most heartfel sounding apology he’s ever given me which made me start this post because it just blew my mind how ridiculous this cycle is. I went to delete our messages and looked back through them and he doesn’t care about me, he never asks how I am.

OP posts:

Forthepurposeofthis · 06/05/2018 00:08

I've posted on here before about my affair. It has been going on for years - 7 so far. I'm single, he is married. There is nothing good for you in the position you are in and it's making you unhappy, let alone the bigger picture. Be strong and stay away. You will be a happier and better person for it.

SunshineandRain18 · 06/05/2018 06:01

Has he given the same apology to his wife?

Dozer · 06/05/2018 06:11

Thought you said you’d blocked him?

Get a grip and do that. No contact best.

Original poster

Whyisit · 06/05/2018 08:38

He messaged me from a different IG account to the one I had blocked, an account I didn’t know was him

OP posts:

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 06/05/2018 09:08

Well then block that IG account and then change your email accounts or social media so he has no way or contacting you...and get on with your life fgs instead of fantasising over some other woman's husband (that is so grim)

YellowArdvark · 06/05/2018 09:27

I think only NC and time work. I've been in a messy situation too and this is all that worked. It's been almost three months since I sat him down and said he was holding me back so I didn't want to be in touch anymore. I'd be lying if I said it would be easy - and there has been some contact over that time but we've only seen each other once and that was by accident - but I'm finally moving on and seeing the situation for what it was - one that was unhealthy for me. You can do it too xx

Original poster

Whyisit · 06/05/2018 23:16

Still no NC from me and I’m not missing him or anything. We don’t talk all the and I have never made the first move to talk to him anyway, or actually chased him so there isn’t much to miss. He always instigates contact but in the past (never usually on weekends, no surprise) when I’ve been saying no to him that just makes him more determined to win me in game so he’s probably not taking me seriously right now. I don’t love him. I am dreading it if I have to see him again but he won’t want anyone to know so he will probably turn asshole to me and do me a favor.

I do feel sorry and guilty for his wife and I often click on threads here expecting it to be her talking about him. I can’t imagine he’s a good husband.

I’m lonely this weekend but I don’t have any energy left in me for dating anyone. I’m depleted and aware I’m ‘grim’ or whatever people have said about me and don’t believe I have anything to offer a partner.

OP posts:

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 06/05/2018 23:24

I think you're being quite hard on yourself. Not dating for a while might be an idea. I was single for 5 years at a time of life where my self-esteem had taken a real battering. I had counselling for a bit. It all helped and I began to accept myself and start looking who I was. Only then did I think that if the right man came along I'd be interested. But if not, I'd happily stay single.

Can you imagine yourself getting to that point?

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