emotional affair

[Whyisit]

I have NC for this as I have finally accepted I am in one and need to lose the denial. WHY AM I DOING THIS. I’m prepared to get roasted

Backstory:
Both have kids, he’s married I’m single right now and we are colleagues. out of the blue 2 years ago he said he fancied me and I admitted I did fancy him too and both surprised because we had hidden it till then, but we decided never to act on it because we like being friends.

Current situation:
He kissed me one time and it was overwhelming for us both with guilt. now we are in a complicated toxic mess emotionally as this has got out of control and had a huge row. I accused him of playing mind games and he is now feeling really guilty but asking for us to stay friends but i said it’s gone too far, we can’t. He is chasing me one moment so bad then rejecting me the next but to be fair I do this to him too. We can’t even act normal around each other anymore we become nervous sweaty wrecks.

He makes it worse by telling me he’s with his wife out of obligation which can’t be true. I think I might be doing the pick me dance.i can’t go on anymore like this, the guilt and rejection is awful. I wish I hated him as it would make it so much easier though I hate myself enough right now but I still want him which is insane. Sometimes I feel angry and used like I’m just his ego boost but he also makes me feel like the most beautiful woman he’s ever met so it’s my ego too. It’s a real rollercoaster although we can go a week without talking at all so it’s not 24/7 intense.

Thanks for reading any advice or opinions is welcome

One important thing in these situations is to accept responsibility for your own behaviour and not turn it into the nasty, manipulative married man.

Doing that gives the impression that women are weak, easy to manipulate, helpless and have the inability to make sound judgement... somewhat like a child.

It's pointless fighting for equality with this 'poor helpless woman' narrative. Doing this gives men too much power.

Each party is accountable...regardless of gender.

I accept responsibility for myself.
He is manipulative and I’ve played into the whole weak woman thing which isn’t who I am and isn’t what I believe in which is why I feel so crap

How old are you and do you want DC?

If in your thirties and want DC you don’t have time to waste in angst over this man, or indeed on self- criticism. It’s over, made you feel shit. Lesson learnt - getting into intense “friendship” with men in a relationship and being the OW is a shit plan. Seek single, nicer men to be friends with or date.

I’m in 40’s have DC and don’t want more. Today was a backward step as we had to speak on the phone for work. This rarely happens not for years just something came up he was the one who was dealing with it and I had to go through him. I did it by email (including other people) but he called me straight away which I was not expecting as I don’t have caller id. hearing his voice I can’t explain. he enjoyed doing his whole power thing I could tell by his tone.
Other than his weird tone of voice It was all work related and not one inappropriate word was said and no further attempt at contact. Work thing is sorted now so hopefully he fucks the fuck off from now on and I am staying on the right path away from him

Good, avoid.

I stopped reading at him making you feel the most beautiful person in the world; a man who is sticking his dick in and out of two women, yuck.

You are settling for crumbs OP but romanticising a dirty little bit on the side to probably make yourself feel better about what a nasty thing you are doing.

He’s not been sticking his dick in me and never did. He probably is in other women no doubt

I think sometimes in life you do meet people you have weird sexual chemistry with, unfortunately instead of ignoring it we let it become something ridiculous. He chased and I liked it.

Boo fucken hoo OP, honestly, grow up, you sound like a love lorn teenager and no he did not manipulate you, you went right along with it all.

So no sex, nothing, yeah right, why do you feel used then OP, if it's purely platonic, I can't believe what you say tbh.

What exactly was ridiculous.

ok we all get it im a scum bag, immature etc, thank you for pointing out all the obvious which I have already pointed out about myself. This is a forum full of strangers I have nothing to lose by telling any other kind of story.

We had an emotional affair (in title of the post) and he tried to kiss me once. It was based on sexual feelings of attraction not love and romance. We did not have sex nor have we even heavy petted or properly kissed. It may have been less confusing, weird and twisted if we DID have sex - which is what I did in the end want. What was ridiculous was even allowing anything to develop into this, and not walking away. We would talk for long periods about loads of different things and sometimes it was sexual. I suppose it was a fantasy for him all along and then became a possible reality for me. He just didn’t fill me in on the fantasy part So I ended up feeling foolish and hurt.

Whether I deserve to get hurt doesn’t detract from the fact. I. Was. Hurt. You can feel feelings that you don’t want, or that are wrong. They aren’t always easy to switch off. Being stuck in a shame spiral doesn’t help me find the tools to get out of it.

He is manipulative and quite openly admits it. He can be nasty just for fun but also turn it back into caring and sweet suddenly.

I don’t even really like him as a person. That is also ridiculous what was I thinking? And now he’s all sad about me telling him to fuck off which is also... ridiculous.

I hope this answers all your questions

You were hurt.
He is a shit.
You are worth more than this. So much more.
Get yourself to somewhere that you can believe that.
Lots of people have been where you have, but you have to fight for survival, you have to fight for a real life, if that’s what you want.

Fight for happiness, you deserve it. We all do.

And still not a word of concern or regret for cheating with a married woman's husband, so yeah, suck it up OP, you played with fire, you got burnt, I am sure you will get over it in time.

You allowed him to manipulate you then OP, you went right along with it no problem at all.

As you say, it's all about your ego.

@Adora10
Go onto another thread
This one isn’t for you.
This forum is for help, if we can’t help people, then who are we.
If we don’t want to help people, then we move along and don’t comment.

I think OP we can have chemistry with lots of people, i think though you need to take a step back when you get in a situation like this and instantly imagine if you were married or partnered up to a guy like this, and think how you might feel in the wife's shoes, somehow it makes them seem that little bit less appealing. Some blokes just get a huge buzz and ego boost from knowing they can still 'pull' doesn't mean they actually want out of their current set up,more just that they want more cake and will usually find someone only too happy to provide it and keep that daily buzz going. Don't go there, the only person who gets hurt is likely you unless he is careless.

OP, this man is sucking your life dry. All this time that he has dangled you on a string with the 'oh I can, no I can't' line, you could have been out finding someone who actually wants more than an ego-boost.

You are worth more than this stupid, lying, cheating man. Well done for blocking him. Next time he contacts you, tell him you're going to send the message to his wife - bet his mask will drop then.

Good for you eight faces thank goodness for some humanity and compassion. There will always be adultery /EAs. There will always be human weakness. I have been on both sides of this and in neither was there intent to hurt. Relationships don't always last and don't always end tidily. Be kind to yourself OP and learn from the experience

you must be an absolute dunce to infer I have no regrets, or that I don’t feel guilty. I probably don’t feel as guilty as he does, because he is the married one. I am further removed from his wife and family having never met them, don’t have to face them it is a different kind of guilt - it is shame. Shame for running after someone else’s husband. It is horrible behaviour and I’ve never said otherwise. Would you like a pound of my flesh while you are here too.

I have a fragile ego. I’m stressed and anxious a lot. I had a horrible childhood, have horrible parents and have always found relationships challenging. I probably like getting attention from someone. The idea of going out meeting someone new is pretty overwhelming. To have someone chasing you initially takes out the anxiety of all that but then it wore out and started causing its own kind of anxiety and stress but by then we had entangled ourselves and it took being honest with each other to bring it to an end. It’s taught me a lot things

Not heard from him not spoke to him am moving on and feel relieved.