Having a nice day till dp walks in the door.

[misery]

Regular name changer, hopefully if the name change works
Been together for years. He walks in the door and its negative negative negative.
Oh why do you need to go to the shop now, couldnt you have gone earlier?
Turn the music down.
Im in the process of starting a business. Sees some stock sitting in the living room.
"God, How many of those did you buy" In an exasperated, annoyed voice.
Totally, totally fucked off.
Have just smashed a mirror on the bed ad been for a long walk.
This isnt working.

Also while im having a whinge, he makes himself a coffee and saying I assume you dint want one.
Just little things like that...Just things I cant imagine him saying to a new girlfriend.
And you fat fucker - jokingly of course.

bloody annoying. what tactics have you tried so far?

I used to ignore it. Head in the sand, 2 young children mode. Now I confront him and it causes arguements.
He doesnt assume people in the office dont want a coffee he makes them one.
He doesnt call anyone else names jokingly or not.
Thanks for replying.

not surprised you're miserable

that's no way to go on. you deserve better. would he listen if you sat him down and explained it all?

or how about making a note every time he does something like this in the next 7 days, every negative comment, every selfish act, and every 'joke'... and then present it to him....

He even manages to turn it round to me, I said Ive had enough, he said "Because your not getting your own way?"
I will write it down. Tone of voice says a lot though and something that written down doesnt look that bad, the way its said can speak volumes.
Then he denys saying it spitefully, nastily, with a laugh in his voice.

not on. that's not how you treat someone you love. tone of voice is everything.

1. you could tell him that you will not be standing for his behaviour any more. no more belittling you, not treating you properly, speaking to you in the wrong tone of voice. give him a few examples of behaviour you do like eg. offered cups of tea, hanging out washing, affection, talked to nicely.

1. when you see him making a cup of tea, ask him for one if he hasn't offered. ad nauseum. even if you don't want it, so that he gets the message.

1. when he calls you names you don't like, say 'don't call me that'.

1. absolutely don't bicker. tell him what you don't like. end of. do not answer when he denies it / pretends you're making it up / makes you out to look stupid. let it drop. he'll see that he's not conning you, you just aren't prepared to be drawn into petty bickering. suddenly it isn't such fun anymore.

1. i like mls' idea of writing everything down over the course of a week. also, if you have a camera phone, position it somewhere and leave it recording. absolutely DO NOT provoke anything. see if you can get his behaviour on tape. if you retaliate or provoke in any way on the tape, he'll be able to argue against it.

i think he needs a serious wake-up call.

Oh yep, Thank you, we have a dictaphone somewhere. What a bloody good idea.
Sobbing into my socks here. Theres no need for this

Poor you. He keeps spoiling for a fight, doesn't he?

One thing - it can be difficult not to blame yourself for having somehow deserved this, or (worse) think that you are somehow imagining his nastiness (that's probably his tactic, if you show you mind to tell you're overreacting/imagining it).

To counteract that, imagine when he says these things that he is a stranger, or (which I find easier) a work colleague. Would you think it appropriate, or be a bit shocked? The work colleague one works well for me because it also helps with reaction - if a work colleague says something out of line the business-behaviour norm isn't to react to the bait on the spot, but to keep your cool (despite feeling a bit shocked).

You could also try a recommended office-bully technique of "half-agreeing" - re the amount of stock "it does look a lot doesn't it - can you believe it's only a third of what they said I'd need!" - or something like that.

Oh, on the coffee, "half-agreeing" would be "yes, not a coffee - tea would be great though"

Sorry to hear your story, but he sounds quite similar to my DP.

I was wondering if he feels threatened by you in anyway? Starting up your own business is impressive, is he jealous?

Of course, it is no excuse for being nasty, but I was wondering if he had "issues" and taking it out you if he can't handle it.

Bink, past being cheerful in my responses I think
He earns more money than I ever will, saying that, doing my own thing is doing something I love and would do without the money incentive.
Its everything.
I brought an ankle bracelet.
"Well I dont know why youve brought that, you only ever wear jeans" Sneer in voice.

Every damn stupid little thing. Nothing can happen or be done without a negative sneering comment.

I sympathise with you... my husbands the same. He walks in the door and does nothing but moan in a monotone voice..
he hates his job, life, and does nothing about it
Sounds like your husband isn't very happy and is taking it out on you..
sorry if thats stating the obvious...

Misery - are you sure you aren't married to my h? He makes 'jokes' about me all the time. I mentioned that the guy in the office was a real flirt but only with the more attractive women nd he said, 'So you are safe then' - nearly split my sides on that one I can tell you!

Mine hates the fact that I love my job, have a sewing course once a week and have friends.

Oh god, friends. When I was learning to drive he said I could drive his car home from the park if I didnt ring my mate when we got in.
(He must have heard me saying ill ring you when we get back)
That was a turning point actually, when I realised there was something dreadfully wrong with him/me/the relationship.

Hiya. I'm with foxybrown here. This sounds a lot like one of my dh's 'moments'. Most of the time things are fine but he does have spells where he comes home just in the mood for trouble. I just leave him to it as I know he gets a bit down (we both suspect he is depressed but he refuses to see anyone about it). It's only occasionally tho' & the rest of the time he's lovely so as long as it stays only occasionally . . .

Anyway, enough rambling. Keeping a list of all his slights is a good idea & recording them on a dictaphone is a great one - as you say it's often more how something is said than what is said that causes upset & if it's on tape he can't deny it or turn it around on you if you've done nothing to provoke him. He'll have to face up to what he's doing & hopefully you can help him work out why he's doing it. If there are genuine issues maybe you can resolve them together but if it's just 'cos he's being a git it might be time to rethink your future.

Hope you get things sorted out one way or the other & good luck with your business.

Keanu(oh love Keanu) How dod they end up like this. We wouldnt have pulled them in this miserable state?

So he rewarded you for good behaviour?
That sounds like he's treating you like a child, if you don't mind me sayin

Oh no...I said "Drive your own fecking car home" and I cannot believe you just said that.
He thought I could be bribed because I wanted the practice.

Mine thinks that I should be happy at home doing house work and having coffee and lunch with my friends...I do have a brain and love my job.

Would he be happy at home at the sink having coffee all day every day? gets a bit much doesnt it. It rots your brain actually.

God, my job is my life line. I would be totally insane (as opposed to half!) if I didn't have it. So who are you then? Come on, now you know you are not alone...

Not telling

Sometimes I only know that DP is having a crappy time at work because he comes home and is horrible to me.

Sometimes I talk to him like a child and tell him 'it is NOT acceptable behaviour'. He wouldn't talk to anyone at work like that (I hope).