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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being used for sex but I want him so much.

69 replies

brokenglam · 04/05/2018 19:36

About a year ago I got in touch with an ex from a long time back and we started having a relationship. He lives in London and I live in Glasgow so it's only every few weeks we can get together. He was my first true love and I've thought about him for years since we split up. Problem is my feelings have really developed for him again and really deep down I know he's just using me for sex. The sex is amazing, always was. I've Whatsapped him a few times over last couple days and had one word answers, not seen him since last Thursday and he hasn't initiated contact with me. I know I'll here from him when he's horny or coming to Glasgow for work and I find myself constantly checking my phone wishing for a message. I'm besotted with him. I've read up on limerence and think that's what I have. It took me many years to get over him from when we were early 20's and split up, and now 2 decades later I feel the same. I can't bring myself to go cold turkey on him as I just need that feeling he gives me of being wanted, even though he doesn't want me for more than my body, it's so silly. Help, how can I help myself!! Sad and crying by myself on a Fri night as I just want to hear from him, tying myself in knots wondering what he might be doing. Sad

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 04/05/2018 19:39

I completely understand how you're feeling except I didn't meet up with mine. The old feelings come flooding back. I'm on Day 47 of no contact with mine. If he wants you for the right reasons he will pursue you. No contact is the only way

Original poster
brokenglam · 04/05/2018 19:56

Thanks NK1, how are you managing no contact? How do you stop yourself messaging him or thinking about him all the time? I feel the day is wasted as it gets to night time and I've been procrastinating, staring at my phone and just willing him to get in touch. I'm losing it!!

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 04/05/2018 20:38

I think you need to go on online dating , just to message other people , kill time and also get a confidence boost . You don't have to meet these people it's just a diversion tatic , in time you may actually then want to date someone you chat to , who knows but sitting and looking at your phone , waiting for him is not healthy xx

Sn0tnose · 04/05/2018 20:48

Cold turkey is the only way. I know it's horrific but the pain is a million times easier than when he tells you that he's met someone he wants an actual relationship with.

Even if you contact him one last time to tell him you can't see him again because you're aware you want more than he does, thereby giving him the opportunity to realise he's actually madly in love with you, you have to cut contact if you want to get out without further hurt. This will not end well for you if you don't.

Original poster
brokenglam · 04/05/2018 22:52

I can't do cold turkey. I just can't bring myself to ignore him or cut him off. I just want him so much.

OP posts:
Openup41 · 05/05/2018 00:08

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Bolokov · 05/05/2018 03:31

No such word as can't OP. Extremely hard to go NC of course, but the only way of freeing yourself from being dependent on the whims of this creep

SD1978 · 05/05/2018 04:33

I don’t thunk it’s fair to call him a creep- he hasn’t done anything wrong, and neither has OP- they have different wants and expectations. She’s formed feelings, he’s happy with getting some sex an old friend without a commitment. Only you can change this situation. You’re not in a relationship. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t want you emotionally. He very well may be sleeping with other women, and if an opportunity for a relationship presents itself with someone, you’ll probably not see him again. Either go non contact; or force non contact. Tell him how you feel, lay it all out, and he’ll eother be receptive- although doubtful as you have minimal contact between hook ups, or he’ll break it off. For your sake you need to do something, your obsession sounds very unhealthy for you.

Mousefunky · 05/05/2018 07:19

In all likelihood he is sleeping with other women. Given the distance, limited time you have together and lack of commitment I highly doubt you are the only woman. You need to remember this every time you feel emotionally attached in some way to him. He doesn’t want you in the way you want him. Block him, it’s honestly the only way.. and as others have suggested get on online dating.

Fiirefly · 05/05/2018 09:08

Been there. Done that.
The only thing that sorted it was me deleting his number. Was hard for a while but I'm ten times happier now.

meowimacat · 05/05/2018 09:34

Yep no contact is your only way, I'm on day 11 of this. Mine lives 10 minutes from me but I may as well have lived in Glasgow for the amount of effort he put in towards the end. The sex was the best I've ever had. But actually, it may seem worth it for a while but I ended up feeling used towards the end.

I'm day 11 of NC and it's the hardest thing ever. You are stopping yourself from meeting someone decent waiting for the scraps this
guy will throw at you - and they are scraps!!!

Work on your self esteem, look after yourself and you'll realise you deserve sooooo much better!!!! Please don't accept someone who is using you- and like others have said, you are not the only one. You are a convenience for now, and will be dropped at some point.

Have some self respect and walk away. Come join us on the NC thread on here, it really does help.

Dadaist · 05/05/2018 09:44

OP - you don’t stand a chance- you know that don’t you? You’ll never feel what you need to feel, never feel secure, never get what you need from him. And you’ll break yourself. So make a clean cut now and it can then heal - and you will be sooo thankful in time.

eightfacesofthemoon · 05/05/2018 11:13

You can only go NC when you really mean it and you're ready for it, it might take a few goes as well.

Try and do it just for a week and see how it feels, at the moment I imagine you feel totally out of control and that your whole lifes happiness is dependant on what move he makes next.

This will only lead to sever mental health problems for you.
You don't want the same things in life and no matter how much you want him to want those things you cannot force him.

Do you want to stay in this limbo with someone who doesnt want the same as you in life? or do you want to meet someone who shares you hopes and dreams?

Original poster
brokenglam · 05/05/2018 13:12

When you guys have gone NC is it just you not contacting him? If he gets in touch with me should I just blank him? I find it easier to not contact him but I've still stared at my whatsapp all morning waiting for him to message me. Can see he's read my last message and when he's online. If he messages me I'll have to reply.

OP posts:
eightfacesofthemoon · 05/05/2018 13:23

No you block them completely. Then you don’t even know if they’ve tried to contact you.
Don’t leave any window open for an opportunity to contact
You might want to say to them, I am ending contact because we don’t want the same things - but you only do this if you expect no reply. Don’t do it to trigger contact, because in a few weeks you’ll be back to sq 1
Baggage reclaim has some good advice on going NC

Original poster
brokenglam · 05/05/2018 13:32

Ok, thank you eightfaces. I'll have a think about it. I can't do it right now, I know I'd fail and reply if he messages me. He probably will in on Monday as usually he's quiet over the weekend then chatty once back at work. It's so hard!!

OP posts:
eightfacesofthemoon · 05/05/2018 13:41

Try and have a proper think about what you want in life. Because you’ll find that you can waste a lot of years drifting along with nothing.
Only you should be in control of what happens in your life.
Good luck. You deserve to have the life you want xx

LanguidLobster · 05/05/2018 13:45

I just think you deserve better.

Completely understand what you mean about the sex though, my last partner spoilt me in that regard and I'd be too nervous to try it again!

spongecake04 · 05/05/2018 13:53

You need to block his number completely. What worked for me in this situation was imagining how awful I would feel if I knew he had a new girlfriend and then thinking that if I didn't ever hear from him, the pain couldn't hurt me.

You can save yourself from emotional pain by just not knowing anything about him, if you block his number. That might get you through.

Alicatz66 · 05/05/2018 13:59

Chatty in the week ... quiet at the weekend ?? .... is he married ?

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 05/05/2018 14:06

Cold turkey is the only way. Block his number and on all social media so if he gets in touch you won't know about it. Delete the number so you're tempted to get in touch.
It's hard but it's the only way to make your feelings for him die.
And go out and meet new people or try online dating even if it's just chat. You need distraction.

FabledFable · 05/05/2018 14:19

as usually he's quiet over the weekend then chatty once back at work

You might as well admit to us he's married. It's pretty obvious tbh. Everything you've posted fits that profile - limerence only really kicks in full power when there is an element of non-availability.

I think you've posted about this before haven't you in a different way? You got back in touch with him via a social media site didn't you? He's a lawyer isn't he?

Anyway, you know what the answer is - ruthless no contact, blocking, cold turkey but if you are limerent you won't do it. So if you aren't going to do that you just have to accept

  • it will feel shit but you are choosing to feel shit for the high you get when you have contact with him
  • you are sabotaging yourself and your chance of happiness by carrying on and
  • the only thing you can try to do is minimise the shit feeling as best you can by baby steps - so try to get busy and make baby promises to yourself: Day 1: only check his Whatsapp twice a day - first thing and last thing. Do that for a week. Then Day 8: only check his Whatspp once a day. and then every other day and so on.
Chippyway · 05/05/2018 14:38

Oh fgs. Just because someone’s being an arsehole it doesn’t mean he’s secretly married! Some people are just arseholes!!!

OP he doesn’t respect you. You CAN go no contact you just don’t want to. Trust me, the day will come when he turns around and tells you he’s no longer visiting because he’s met somebody and fallen for them... you will wish on that day that you’d gone no contact.

He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t want a relationship. He wants a hole to put his wick in. That’s all you are to him. Sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but it’s the truth. I’ve been in your position and it’s bloody horrible. The ONLY way you can help yourself is ignoring him.

Personally for me I like to know I tried all I could. I would message him explaining you no longer wish to hear from him because you want a proper committed relationship. If he truly wanted you he will give you that. But you shouldn’t have to ask...

I mean this kindly. Gain some self respect. He will never want a relationship with you in these circumstances - why would he?? He gets to live the single life doing whatever he wants knowing whenever he wants a shag all he’s gotta do is send you the text and you’ll give him what he wants. Why on earth would he give that up?!

If you don’t respect yourself you certainly won’t get any off him.

FabledFable · 05/05/2018 14:50

Just because someone’s being an arsehole it doesn’t mean he’s secretly married

It's not because he's an arsehole - it's the bit about quiet at the weekend and active when at work which signals married + only seeing when has work in OPs city.

SparklyMagpie · 05/05/2018 19:41

OP I understand, I really do
The other posters are right, no contact IS the way to go but you have to be ready for it

Do you want to explain abit more about your situation?

I've just gone/am going through something similar but not to the extent you are, the sex was amazing ( an old friend that I once had a thing for) we got intouch after a few years and the chemistry is insane BUT he has too much going on right now ( which I support him with and wouldn't dream of pushing it) I really really like him, could see something but I know 1) it's not the right time and 2) he now knows how I feel and knows why I'm pulling back

Its very hard but when you're in the right headspace it's achievable

Go easy on yourself and do it when you're ready. I have to admit though,in your situation, he doesn't sound good for you