Being used for sex but I want him so much.

[brokenglam]

About a year ago I got in touch with an ex from a long time back and we started having a relationship. He lives in London and I live in Glasgow so it's only every few weeks we can get together. He was my first true love and I've thought about him for years since we split up. Problem is my feelings have really developed for him again and really deep down I know he's just using me for sex. The sex is amazing, always was. I've Whatsapped him a few times over last couple days and had one word answers, not seen him since last Thursday and he hasn't initiated contact with me. I know I'll here from him when he's horny or coming to Glasgow for work and I find myself constantly checking my phone wishing for a message. I'm besotted with him. I've read up on limerence and think that's what I have. It took me many years to get over him from when we were early 20's and split up, and now 2 decades later I feel the same. I can't bring myself to go cold turkey on him as I just need that feeling he gives me of being wanted, even though he doesn't want me for more than my body, it's so silly. Help, how can I help myself!! Sad and crying by myself on a Fri night as I just want to hear from him, tying myself in knots wondering what he might be doing.

It's not because he's an arsehole - it's the bit about quiet at the weekend and active when at work which signals married + only seeing when has work in OPs city

Or at the weekends he spends his time doing whatever he wants, hobbies, seeing friends etc. But during the week where he’s bored and only has work, he texts OP because he doesn’t have anything else to keep him entertained. Oh, and the fact she lives so far away he’s got no real reason to make an effort and knows full well when he’s in Glasgow he only has to click his fingers for sex

Seriously, I doubt he’s married. He just doesn’t give two shits about the OP and only texts when he’s bored and horny.

Have to Say I agree with Chippyway

Get a grip OP. He ain’t that into you.

Thanks for comments everyone. I will go NC at some point but I'm just not ready yet. I feel like I'm actually addicted to him. Sorry I forgot who asked but no he's not a lawyer or posted about before. Bet plenty in same situation though.

As far as I know he's not married but that's just what he's told me. He probably does have other women for all I know. I'm not naive enough to think he waits for me. Little steps. I will gradually get a grip, just not able to yet.

Hi op, no advice to add but just a handhold, I have been in your situation and can relate. I felt totally at the mercy of the guy I was sleeping with, addicted and unable to quit. NC really is the only way, keep posting and have a look at the NC board. Hope you get to the point soon where you can give NC a go. Your brain is addicted to the chemical rush from this guy and when you do go NC you will have withdrawal, will white knuckle it for a while but it will get better. Best of luck xx

But isn't part of why the sex is so amazing is because he won't commit and he doesn't need you in the same way you need him? And by the sound of it he could have sex with many women, but he's chosen you. He does have some attraction to you, just not in the way you'd like.

I really feel for you OP, I've been in this situation before and even though I'm now married with 2 kids I still can't really think about the guy in question because I still have so much emotion over it which is ridiculous really.

Gradually reduce the contact with the guy. Block him on WhatsApp / Facebook / anything else that will give you an opportunity to look at what he's doing or "online" You will block / unblock him 472 times before you finally keep him blocked. For me it was just about gradually making it less and less.

I did the whole "put the cards on the table" to him a couple times and it made me feel so much better at the time, but now I feel like an absolute idiot when I think about it. I would suggest maintaining your dignity and writing something to him and then binning it or not sending it and just keeping it (you'll look back on it in a couple years and be glad you didn't send!)

It's so hard being "addicted" to someone I can totally relate to the feeling of your whole days being wasted thinking about someone staring at your phone and dropping everything when they do. Your life is just literally on hold. I started going to meditation as a distraction. Also Google "Baggage Reclaim" - read and absorb!

Hadn't been in touch since 4th when he sent me a 2 word answer. I caved and Whatsapped him this morning. He's online right now, obviously seen it but not replied. I'm gutted. I just want him so much.

Don’t be hard on yourself. Lots of us have ended up caving. It’s all part of the process. There will be good days and bad days.
Try and remember you want the fantasy version of him, because I’m sure you would agree the reality version of him is not someone you want.

You've not reached the utter humiliation stage yet then that's why you want to keep it going but ultimately you will end up resenting him and will have wasted so much time on a man that only sees you good enough for sex, you will wake up one day soon hopefully and realise you are worth so much more than a shag.

Another vote for distraction. Online dating, MN, anything that you can switch the constantly checking/refreshing to.

I’ve been in this situation. I was besotted. It made me do the most ridiculous things, I was never into social media but set up accounts just because I knew he was on there and then posted photos/updates solely in the hope he would see them. If I heard from him, I was happy. If I didn’t hear from him, I was miserable and difficult to be around. Looking back, I can see how pathetic I was.

I then started a new job which took up all of my time. As days went by, I spent less time thinking about him until one day I realised he hadn’t crossed my mind for weeks. A few months later I met a man who is now my DH. PLOT TWIST the man I had lusted over then turned out to be a friend of my DH’s from university.

My DH told me all about how this man would chase after women and make them feel wanted, saying whatever was necessary to get them in bed, then as soon as they started to warm to him, he lost all interest. He would even post a ‘roast report’ in the group chat with his friends, detailing and rating all of his conquests (my DH wasn’t in this chat but heard about it. Also, I never slept with this man, thank god). The stories he told me made me hate myself for ever falling for his bullshit and it most definitely helped to put an end to what I ever saw in him.

So try your best to shift your focus and I bet you will look back on yourself in a few months time and think ‘wtf was I doing?!’

Omg get a grip!! Why are you doing this to yourself?

I was in a similar situation years ago. We were on/off 10 years. Looking back I can't believe I did it to myself. I recognize why now: abandonment issues and loneliness. I also went no contact and after a year he contacted me. I replied as it was just banter and I was in a very different place. He wanted to meet, I said no and meant it. While I still cared for him, I knew he would never offer me what I wanted and needed. In the years following I met a wonderful man who I am with almost 5 years now. I'm so glad I was available and met my current partner. When you are in a healthy relationship, you can clearly see how wrong the wrong ones are. I urge you to look inward, ask why you are ok to be used? Do you think this situation will ever make you happy? Cutting the ties is the only option, how long you prolong the inevitable and extend the pain the current situation is causing you is entirely up to you.

I have been in your shoes. It fucked with my mind for about 5 years. The sex was out of this world but he was terrible in all other respects, though to be fair he never really suggested that we had a proper future together. I was addicted, like you. Had a special text alert for messages from him that would send shivers down my spine. Only shook the idea of him off when I moved continents for work and was busy and physically unable to meet him in person. Ten years later I am happily married and can barely recognise myself in the person I was. Be brave and strong and find distractions!

Using you for sex, really! Why so passive?

You have sex with him because you know he wants it and that’s the only way you ‘keep him interested’. The only power this man has over you is the power you’ve surrendered to him.

OP - I can relate to this. Best to go completely NC and take the advice of pps about distraction techniques.

I went NC when I realised that although I was always going to want more (after 4 years on/off) our dynamic was never going to change.

It was painful, but was the right thing to do for the long term.

The automatic spell checker just brought up his first name at random - how weird! There you go, that shows how much I thought he and I were once destined to be together, that something so random still fazes me. But going NC was the right thing to do.

Thanks everyone. He messaged tonight and I waited a few hours then got back to him. I'm trying to cut off my feelings for him and get back to just having him for the sex, which is what we both wanted in the first place. If I can turn those off (who knows) hopefully I'll not be so longing next time. I know I'll get abuse for it and NC is the way I should take things but he's done nothing wrong and we both still want each other so going to give it a good shot. The sex really is worth it!! Honest!

Well actually no its not. You are giving up your life for this man's crumbs.
You will end up really hurt and you know it. He obviously has a wife or a girlfriend so why can't you imagine it the other way round. You are being used and you are grateful for it. Look at how happy you are when he texts. Sickening.

No one here can make anyone do anything. Op, a time will come when you realise that this will never be what you want and need and only then, when your love for yourself outweighs your want for him, will you walk away.

Plenty of men can give you good sex, and will also want you for more than sex.

Start dating other men. The distraction and attention will help you to de-invest.

All this “he’s done nothing wrong”....you’re not punishing him by going no contact. You don’t have to do it in a way that makes him feel bad. You just explain that it’s the best thing for you given that you know the relationship is not going anywhere. He’ll, je’s So unresponsive to you that he probably won’t even notice for a couple of weeks that you’ve gone quiet! If he’s that attractive he won’t struggle to find another shag, don’t lose any sleep over that.

You’ll get there in your own time
I ignored lots of advice
But I got there eventually

FGS woman, get a grip.

You know that he reads your whatsapp messages and doesn't reply. Just try to imagine, how that looks at his end. He sees it's a message from you...gives it a cursory glance, does an eye roll, and throws the phone on the bed/desk. Are you okay with that? To be someone's annoying puppy?

He's definitely fucking other women. He lives in London. You are safely stuck in Glasgow, miles and miles away. How very convenient. Absolutely no chance, of you wandering in to a bar he is in, with another woman, is there? Very handy indeed.

Do you think, when he doesn't see you for 3 weeks, that he's going without sex? Paah. As if.

Please, please, stop pandering to this idiot. All of this head space you are giving to him, is time wasted on a non-relationship that will amount to NOTHING. You have horse blinkers on, and they are blocking out any lovely prospective boyfriends that are passing you by.

Go out with friends. Get chatted up. Go on line dating. Sleep with other men.

He's taking the absolute piss.

And regards being quiet at the weekend, but messaging when he's at work....oh dear...this is because he can message at work, away from the prying eyes of whatever woman he is with at the weekend. Wake up!

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I don't mean to be horrible, but this all makes such a sad read. And I've been there. I now have a DH who adores me, and I wish this for you, and you will only find a great guy if you toss this fish shark back into the sea.

As said above, the next time he reads your message and doesn't reply, try to imagine how that scene actually looks at his end. Then get angry.

In the long run the sex really isn't worth it
But it's obvious you're not ready to cut things off
You'll have your moment where the lightbulb comes on and you'll realise you deserve better

Look after yourself OP

Just read your other updates

You are going to get very very hurt and he's not going to give two shits about you