Girlfriend look looks - am I overthinking

[SummerJim]

Recently I’ve noticed my gf glancing over at other men when we’re out. I thought nothing of it initially. I mean it’s nice to people watch. But I’ve noticed her chucking looks at good looking guys only (I’m not bad looking myself). Again fine I’ll ignore it. However it’s becoming more frequent and it’s frankly upsetting me. I noticed last Friday I was driving and we stopped beside a bunch of lads. She spotted them and kept glancing over and playing with her hair. Again I ignored it. She had just done her make up and I’m sure she just wanted to feel attractive (I always compliment her). Last night we was at a restaurant and this guy walks in. Nothing particularly attractive about him. But she turns her head on two separate occasions to look at him ( he was sitting to her right). He also gets up and she watches him throughout his endeavours. I noticed this and it upset me but tried not to show it but I am generally very affectionate and she noticed my change in her and was asking me all night what’s wrong. I didn’t want to raise this in case it caused an argument (we’ve been dating 7 months and to date never had a disagreement). Am I overthinking? I told her when we started dating that respect and having eyes for each other only. I treat her well and shower her with love and affection so this is really confusing to me. Should I ignore it. I don’t think raising it will make things better since she’s probably not even aware she does it.

Op you will get slated on this forum just to make you aware.
TBH if it was me I would be honest and say something to your girlf and say it made you feel awkward.
I think it's rude to stare at people anyways regardless of whether they are attractive or not and I defo wouldn't be doing that infront of my DP.

I imagine she is aware and she is aware you are aware. Tell her you don't like it and leave it at that.

You're overthinking it a bit. Maybe she is being overly flirty. You can bring it up, but in a low key manner. It really isn't a big deal.

"I told her when we started dating that respect and having eyes for each other only. I treat her well and shower her with love and affection so this is really confusing to me."

You're being naive here. Like I said, in relationships feelings decline over time. You have to accept this and find ways to work with it. And no, showering her with love and affection does not guarantee she will never want to so much as look at another man. In fact she may even come to resent that you have this expectation.

I'd say something. I wouldn't be having that.

@Scott72 I don't think that saying feelings decline over time in a relationship is accurate at all.
I've been in some hefty long term relationships and it's totally possible to only be attracted to them and not ogle every passing male but everyone is different and some people have their head turned easier than others .

While interest in one's partner does wane at some point in most relationships this isn't about that. Decent people who respect their partners, while they may be unable to help feeling interest in other people, will never openly show it. That is incredibly disrespectful both to you and your relationship and, to herself quite frankly. I would never, never permit myself to behave is such a base manner (and yes I have gone through periods when I have gone off my husband altogher, even when I have been so pissed off with him that I have secretly indulged small nonsexual fantasies of other imaginary men just to get petty revenge in my head). But I have far too much respect for him, for myself and, for the commitments we have made to each other to openly show an interest in someone else. What does it say about her that she is happy to demean herself like that? What does it say about what she thinks of you that she does it in front of you and expects you to just accept it?

Perhaps she is trying to provoke a reaction from you. You know, just to reassure herself that you care enough to worry that she might be flirting.

I don't know either of you, of course, so this is pure speculation, but maybe you are very passive and are taking her for granted (in her eyes)

Nobody only ever has eyes for their partner. That’s naive and unrealistic. However, blatantly doing it when you are with your partner is disrespectful and rude. You should tell her to stop ogling or trying to attract other men’s attention or you will do it too.

@Timefortea99 erm I do ! Sure I can say a man is attractive but do I fancy these men , no. Some people are just naturally more monogamous than others , hence why some people cheat and others don't . To generalise is naive !

The statement about ‘eyes only for me’ isn’t literal but was for this specific scenario. We’re been dating only 7 months, I don’t shower her with affection for any reason other than I am affectionate and she loves it. I am simply doing what I can to make her happy, it’s also not a chore for me to do so. I think it’s also a question of respect, I wouldn’t do it to her. It’s strange because her signals towards me are fantastic and all positive. She appears to love me heaps and fancy me. I just don’t understand this behaviour from her, it’s really confusing. I don’t think she’s trying to illicit a response from me, she is otherwise a fantastic women and love her dearly but I value myself above this and expect to be treated fairly. I obviously will have to say something at some point as it’s getting me down but I am just trying to put her feelings before mine and feel I shouldn’t mention anything unless it gets to the point where it is affecting my moral.

I'm a bit of a starer and people, especially moving ones, catch my eye! I've been described as a magpie with glittery things It never actually means I'm checking them out though. Just like to see what's around me.

@diaryisclosed.
Yea this is how I feel. As an adult and a man who had not always been of great moral standing I finally grew up and realise the importance of respect. I have taken onboard all my impectfections and done what I can to be the best I can be. I feel I am a pretty darn good partner both emotionally and materially. All I want is respect, consideration and of course love and laughter. I do my best to make others happy and full well know they’re challenges in relationships but to experience this so soon really hurts ones esteem and I am a confident bloke usually.

@SummerJim honestly is the best policy , communicate with her, the sooner the better and maybe ask her when she is actively in state mode : "do you know that lad?" And if she says no then I would mention that maybe she wasn't aware but she was staring and it made you feel slightly awkward . That should do the trick. I would absolutely be upset if my DP was doing this.

@userwho.
For sure we all are! I don’t have an issue with that. It’s when you look look,,, the little signs women give off when they are more than just looking, flick of the wrist, wide eyes, touching of the hair, more than a fleeting glance at other men who are clearly good looking. I am not one to jump to conclusions (although not found one yet) hence why I have just observed this behaviour. Looking at another attractive person isn’t an issue it’s how you look if you catch my drift!

Tell her you don’t like it. Treat it Like you would about any other matter that you don’t like which I assume you would discuss with her.

My OH used to do this. He adores me and we are getting married this year. He didn’t see it as an isssur. I told him I felt disrespected and don’t want him to do that. It took about 2 serious convos and calling out when he did this subsequently. He’s respectful now, so don’t expect a change in behaviour immediately.
For me It was ok to look but not to ogle.

you need to tell her but it sounds like she'd doing it to get a reaction out of you

Great reply and one I have toyed with. I guess in my mind I play chess and forsee certain replies. I envisage seeing blank response from he or a state of confusion as she’s a lovely soul. I therefore feel she’s doing this on a subconscious level. She has been single most of her life so it could be a habit?

I think it is disrespectful.

It is upsetting you. I'd discuss it as dispassionately as possible, not in public. I think you know it is normal/OK that she would note and look at someone she finds attractive. I think disrespectful in a relationship to be oogling.

I can see my DH sometimes look at some women who are a bit "wow" but he doesn't stare and sometime I want to stare at them too! It's rude to the person you are staring at, and rude to the company you keep.

Now you've clarified things I don't think you are being too controlling SummerJim. It does sound like she is testing you a bit. Don't overreact to it, but don't ignore it. Just point out it but try and be a bit fun and playful about it.

You shouldn't go putting her feelings before your own so much. Am I right that many women tend to find being put on a pedestal just too much after a while?

I would ask her to stop. I think it's normal to notice an attractive male or female, but not to fancy them when in a loving happy relationship. I really do only have eyes for my partner. Sure, there are probably guys out there who are attractive but I myself am not attracted.

Have you noticed what happens when she looks at other women? Does she ever touch her hair at the same time? Or have you not even noticed that?

Some men are rubber neckers too - it’s really annoying and disrespectful. You have every right to be peeved.

I am a rational guy, a scentist by trade so I have conducted a double blind study on this by guaging her reaction to women of all types and men of all types. There is a clear correlation to her looking at better looking guys to the extent she will look at guys I think she will look at most of the time. I didn’t want to even mention this unless I was sure this was happening. I mentioned this to a friend just before the last incident and the last incident went up a whole level. As I said not sure why she does this as she’s a great person and appears to be happy in every other aspect. Great advise people and I guess I will observe a bit longer and if it carries on I will find a constructive way to mention it. Sadly for me I am pretty sensitive so will have to be head strong and not show a change in behaviour until I am forced to say something. Not great timing as supposed to be booking us a trip away this weekend and really want us to enjoy it.

Just try blatantly eyeing up other winen when you're out and see if she starts a conversation

Women sorry