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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship but he has Aspergers Syndrome

62 replies

Frenchlady14 · 01/05/2018 23:26

I'm just after some advice really. Have started a relationship with someone I met online and it is going really well.

The thing is, he told me he has Aspergers and I can start to see some of the traits (I've since read up on it). He seems charming and practical and affectionate but won't actually say anything romantic.

Eye contact seems really odd too - rather like he is forcing himself to do it. He is very intelligent and has a really great job working for himself in IT. He only has one friend and doesn't see any of his family at all.

I suppose what I am asking (having looked at some sites that say run as fast as you can) is, are there different levels? I had a friend whose husband was very much like my new guy for the first year but then it seemed like he had tired of making the effort not to be his real self.

Massive massive apologies if I am offending anyone - I'm just out of a long marriage with a controlling man and suffered a whole world of emotional pain and I don't want to fall for someone who is going to be distant or not have any empathy and I'd rather walk away now before I get too invested - I really like him but am very wary

Please, if any mumsnetters have any words of wisdom for me?

OP posts:
Dontfuckingsaycheese · 01/05/2018 23:32

Just get to know him. His label is not going to define him. Everybody's different. Aspie or not.

Littlelambpeep · 01/05/2018 23:35

Give him a chance. He has been very honest. You may need to be clear about what romantic means to you - flowers, say nice things - at least you know where you stand

differentnameforthis · 02/05/2018 00:20

You've read up on it, yet don't know that eye contact is REALLY difficult for those on the spectrum? Yes, they DO force themselves to do it, because it is really painful for some of them!!

Or that this someone who is going to be distant or not have any empathy is complete and utter bullshit?? People on the spectrum are not distant, and they do not lack empathy.

Run as fast as you can? Nice...thanks to attitudes like this plenty of lovely caring autistic individuals will always be lonely and looked down upon.

Advice? Read better websites on asd. Talk to him, get to know him. Leave your judgements at the door.

My dh is (I'm pretty sure) autistic (we have a child with asd and the similarities are shocking) and he is nothing how you have described above. He hold a great job, he is very loving and emphatic. yes he can be hard work, but I wouldn't give up what we have because he find eye contact hard!!

CaledonianQueen · 02/05/2018 00:27

It sounds like he is doing really well, if you have read up on Autism you will know that eye contact can be painful. So he must be trying so hard if he is making eye contact.

My ds is 10 and autistic and I am on the spectrum too. The lack of empathy thing is a myth, my ds is full of empathy! In fact he is very sensitive! I have several friends on the spectrum who are the same. If you like this man then I suggest reading these books, I intend to buy a good few for passing out to future partners of my ds

smile.[[amazon.co.uk/Things-Woman-Must-Know-Aspergers/dp/1849058032/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=aspergers+relationships&dpID=51T2wbZJn7L&preST=SY344_BO1,204,203,200_QL70&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1525217033&dpSrc=srch&sr=8-3 amazon.co.uk/Things-Woman-Must-Know-Aspergers/dp/1849058032/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1525217033&sr=8-3&keywords=aspergers+relationships&dpID=51T2wbZJn7L&preST=SY344_BO1]],204,203,200_QL70&dpSrc=srch]]

amazon.co.uk/Asperger-Syndrome-Autism-Spectrum-Disorder/dp/1849054983/ref=pd_sim_14_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=M5SESVQ0QZMW1SW991EX]]

What I will say is that in my experience, people on the spectrum are incredibly loyal! I would give him a chance!

ExpectedItemInTheBraggingArea · 02/05/2018 00:31

Speaking from family and relationship experience, guys with Aspergers can make the most loyal, honest, reliable and caring partners/friends.
Often they benifit from a nudge in the right direction in certain social situations. They can get totally absorbed in their special interests and need a reminder to make time/space for other things.
But they can find second guessing your emotions/needs a challenge. Doesn't mean it's impossible and it doesn't mean lack of empathy or coldness. It's as if the subtleties of the unspoken language pass them by.
It really really helps to be really up front about how you feel and what you want need in any relationship.

There's a lot of happy folk in Aspi relationships out there...see how it goes

Slanetylor · 02/05/2018 00:35

Aside from the asd. Will you be happy with someone who has one single friend in the world and doesn’t say anything romantic? you can’t always force yourself to be happy with that if it’s something important to you. It just depends on what you want or need from a relationship and if ye are a good match.

toffee1000 · 02/05/2018 02:16

It is true that some people with ASD do not feel the need to say "I love you" or whatever; they might say it once or twice, but do not feel the need to say it again. It might sound harsh, but communication and emotion is often difficult for those with ASD, and they will express their love in other ways, such as doing tasks around the house or buying you presents or whatever.
You can always tell them what you like in a relationship. Yes, it sounds obvious to most, but people with ASD don't always "get" social niceties in the same way neurotypical people do.

Original poster
Frenchlady14 · 02/05/2018 07:48

Thank you everyone that has replied different I have been a mumsnetter for many years and have obviously read everything on here before posting. That is why I apologised in advance if I have offended or upset anyone. Thank you for your honest post and I appreciate what you have told me. I'm just taking it all in. It's a relationship that is becoming serious and I am just really noticing some kinds of behaviour, He has been honest with me and I appreciate that more than he knows. I really like him and it seems to be that he shows how he feels in what he does, rather than what he says.

I didn't expect to meet someone this quickly after leaving my emotionally abusive husband and I don't know if I'm projecting my fears about the same thing happening on to him.

Apologies for quoting things I've read as I've had (an admittedly quick) look at the subject.

Thank you for everyone that has PM'd me too - I really appreciate it and I will reply (I'm at work at the moment).

He seems to me to be thoughtful and pro-active and is talking a lot about doing things in the future and when I ask how how he actually feels he says things like 'it's not a waste of my time' - it might take me a little while to get my head around the blunt way he has of speaking - black and white and not emotional - but I can already sense that he won't lie about anything which is something very important to me.

Thank you for the book recommendations - I'll have to get reading.

OP posts:
RubberJohnny · 02/05/2018 07:56

JuSt keep your wits about you. He has Asperger's yes, but that doesn't meen it precludes him from all nasty or controlling behaviour. He could still be a twat and a nasty one at that with Asperger's.
So, if you are getting feelings that are causing you to worry, with them up yes, but listen to them.

RubberJohnny · 02/05/2018 08:03

And lying...you cannot tell this soon that he will not lie about anything. You are far too trusting too soon and are, despite him probably being entirely genuine, heading towards a fall. And if this relationship doesn't work out, I honestly think there's a real chance of you ( without doing some work on yourself...freedom program etc) getting someone the same as your ex. What I'm trying to say is, I think your priorities and wants are a bit skewed. That's understandable after an awful marriage. But don't let what happened be what always happens.

MNscum · 02/05/2018 08:18

I'm aspie. I think dh is. A very good male friend of mine is.

Give him a chance but do read up on it a bit. Yes at times you may need to make allowances for bluntness, etc but also don't be afraid to gently tell him if he's been blunt. We can learn and adapt.

I'm loads better than I was. I used to be awful at smalltalk because unless someone actually asked me a question I wasn't aware I was meant to respond with my thoughts or opinion. So they'd say something and I would think stuff in my head but not verbalise it. I was probably hard work. I now have to really concentrate and make myself more verbal......which can be quite tiring. But we're all different and any issues he has may be different.

ThirdTimeUnlucky · 02/05/2018 08:20

People on the autism spectrum are all different, just like 'normal' people are. My son is very typical of someone with Aspergers tho, to the trained eye but a lot of people are unaware he has it. My son can be very controlling as he is all about 'self' and not interested in doing anything that doesn't interest him. He also likes routine. Some 'traits' are stronger than others, that's why it's called a 'spectrum'.
I'd get to know your fella a bit better. It's unlikely that he'll play games with your feelings and what you see is what you'll get!
Good luck. I hope it works out for you. x

MagicFajita · 02/05/2018 08:34

I think you're over thinking it slightly op , your relationship is like any other and you need to stay guarded , take your time , and mention anything that makes you uncomfortable. Also you must feel free to walk away at any time so keep your independence too.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 02/05/2018 08:37

I agree with Magic

Slanetylor · 02/05/2018 09:47

I do think that’s it’s a common trait of those with aspergers that they don’t tell lies. But someone close to me with aspergers lies constantly!!! So it’s certainly not a given Wink

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/05/2018 10:42

Those of us who have had bad relationships with Aspergers men are probably more likely to respond to threads like this than those who have perfectly good relationships with Aspergers men though.

In my case, yes, he didn't lie, so hearing him say 'I think we're over, I want to go and meet other people now, there's a woman I think I'm in love with now' hurt like nothing else in the world. But. Just my experience.

Shedmicehugh1 · 02/05/2018 10:51

Forget about all the stereotypes! No two people are the same, autism or not! Saying people with autism lack empathy or love, or cannot lie or make eye contact etc etc is all rubbish! Everyone is unique and has their own unique strengths and weaknesses!

Get to know him and decide if he is or isn’t for you, exactly the same way you do dating anyone else!

Sunafterstorm · 02/05/2018 13:25

I think that if you need to ask Mumsnet you already have significant doubts. If you were my friend I would suggest that he isn't the one for you.

Juststopit · 02/05/2018 13:27

As someone who has just finished it with an AS husband I would urge you to tread carefully. Remember it’s a spectrum and everyone is affected to different degrees. The lack of eye contact and unromantic life may depress you in the end.

dirtybadger · 02/05/2018 13:41

I think you need to think about the traits he has (well, his personality really- as influenced by ASD). Are you compatible?

Is romance important? Is an active social life as a couple important? It is for lots of people, but not everyone.

Original poster
Frenchlady14 · 02/05/2018 15:59

Thanks for all your replies ... I'm reading them carefully and taking them all in. He has met some of my friends and got on really well and we had a great evening all of us together. We don't live very near each other at all and so when we do see each other it is for a few days at a time either at mine or at his, so can be pretty intense - maybe that doesn't help. I know he likes me a lot as I can feel that he is very private and guards his personal life and space and has let me into it.

There are a few small things though ... he seems to have a 'flat' way of speaking - it's hard to explain but comes through a lot more on the phone - he also doesn't get small jokes and takes everything very literally. The fact that he doesn't have a social life at all is a bit worrying - but he is very happy in his own company and before we met he told me he can go for days not speaking to anyone and is fine about that.

Don't get me wrong - I'm far from perfect and he makes me feel very special and I am enjoying the physical side of our relationship which seems off the scale with chemistry and compatibility.

I know that I am falling for him but I don't want to fall for someone who - although he seems to be enjoying a relationship - won't really ever feel the same way. We are both in our fifties and are agreeing to take it as it comes and see what develops. The fact that he told me he has Aspergers is very honest and I can sense he has struggled in the past to maintain relationships which is why he is where he is now.

I'm just sensing the odd wrong note and maybe it is absolutely nothing to do with anything but that it is a new relationship and we need to get to know each other better. As sunafterstorm pointed out - if I'm asking mumsnet for help, he might not be the one for me but I'm not ready to let it go yet, but I know I will get opinions and advice on something I know very little about - and I really really appreciate all of your views and experience.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 02/05/2018 16:06

Don't assume traits due to AS as everyone is different.

I know 2 AS children and they can lie but they are also very different and share only a few common traits.In addition their environment will make a difference to how their traits develop so I would not say you can predict how he will be.

I do agree however that if you are posting at this stage I think you have doubts and could be in danger of settling.

Smeddum · 02/05/2018 16:09

Eye contact seems really odd too - rather like he is forcing himself to do it

I do this, and it’s actually physically painful but I’ve trained myself to do it because it’s expected of me.

I read somewhere that once you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that we’re all different and if he’s a decent man, stay and if he’s not then don’t.

Original poster
Frenchlady14 · 02/05/2018 16:15

Smeddum thank you xx It's replies like this that are helping me to understand.

OP posts: