New relationship but he has Aspergers Syndrome

[Frenchlady14]

I'm just after some advice really. Have started a relationship with someone I met online and it is going really well.

The thing is, he told me he has Aspergers and I can start to see some of the traits (I've since read up on it). He seems charming and practical and affectionate but won't actually say anything romantic.

Eye contact seems really odd too - rather like he is forcing himself to do it. He is very intelligent and has a really great job working for himself in IT. He only has one friend and doesn't see any of his family at all.

I suppose what I am asking (having looked at some sites that say run as fast as you can) is, are there different levels? I had a friend whose husband was very much like my new guy for the first year but then it seemed like he had tired of making the effort not to be his real self.

Massive massive apologies if I am offending anyone - I'm just out of a long marriage with a controlling man and suffered a whole world of emotional pain and I don't want to fall for someone who is going to be distant or not have any empathy and I'd rather walk away now before I get too invested - I really like him but am very wary

Please, if any mumsnetters have any words of wisdom for me?

As you have been in relationships before and have got over the intense need to live in each other’s pockets and exclude the world (I can remember my early days being like this!) you will probably be super compatible. You can maintain your own friends and hobbies and interests and he won’t be jealous or insecure. Equally he can spend time on his own without you feeling excluded. His honesty will be refreshing after so many mind games you may have previously known.

In short you can be two grown up people who love each other but who also want to be part of their old world.

Thanks Olympia that is a really nice viewpoint x

I'm more concerned about you saying you're "just out of a long marriage" which was abusive. You need time to heal from that and find yourself again before embarking on a relationship. I jumped headlong into a relationship after my marriage that was amazing chemistry, great sex, treated me really well compared to my ex. He turned out to be not great at all with lots of issues from his marriage and I was trying to work through my divorce and give emotionally to him too and it was too much. I ended it because he became lazy and was a sponger but if I'd have taken time to heal from my marriage I would have made better choices I think.
If you are having doubts then trust your gut. There's things you aren't happy with and they won't go away. You're more likely to discover more things in the long run. I'd cool things down a little at least because it's coming across quite clearly that deep down you're not happy with this man because your gut is telling you something and I'm reading the sane kind of justifications I've made myself about men who weren't right for me. Listen to your gut and trust it.

Hi,

I am or rather was in a relationship with 55 year old man. It was beautiful first couple of months. It turned into a very disturbed relationship either me or him want to end up... Please update us how it goes... I was never involved in my Asperger boyfriend private life, never met anyone although 1 year into relationship and he met all my friends and children... It hurts at some point so much that both of us suffer and it is like a roller-coaster... I love him though much!

My DH has Aspergers. Been together for 15 years, he got his diagnosis 2vyrs ago.
First three years were lovely - the occasional blip. I knew he had ‘mproblems’ as he had been diagnosed with agoraphobia and social phobia.
Fast forward to now- well, I cry most days. His behaviour has got more intense and worse over the years. He’s pedantic, argumentative and incredibly difficult to live with. EVERYTHING is always my fault. I am in charge of finances, running the house, cooking every meal, doing all housework and decorating, everything to do with our child is my responsibility. But he has plenty of time to research buying a new toaster - three fucking weeks to be prescise.
We dint have any sort of together social life.
I won’t go on holiday with him any more as there’s always a massive meltdown at the airport.

On the plus side he doesn’t lie, is very affectionate and would never cheat on me.
But if I had my time over again ( if I take DD out of the equation) then I would have walked away a long long time ago.
Every person with autism is different.
Your bloke may be great and not cause you pain.

Have a look at the website www.differenttogether.com - you will get some great help on there.
Good luck. Either way.

I haven't read all the posts so forgive me if I'm repeating what has already been said. For background I have DS1 diagnosed, well supported, and thriving; I also have DW undiagnosed, in denial and rather hard work!

Re eye contact: don't worry about this, it used to be that ASCs were taught to look at people, now that is no longer the case, although GPs and general therapists may still try. One of the defining aspects of Autism is sensory overload, literally their senses are so full on they have to either turn them on or off, so if they are listening to you they can't look at you easily. Liken it to staring out the window while lost in thought. On one of the parenting courses we went on we were told about a mother bathing her child, she was chatting to the DC while bathing her but as soon as she stopped DC started screaming because the water was too hot - DC couldn't listen to mum and feel the water. No harm done fortunately.

See: commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Asperger_vs_normal_brain.jpg

Empathy - ASCs absolutely feel empathy as much or as little as anyone else. What they have great difficulty with is understanding by implication, and they find it difficult to put themselves in somebody else's shoes. So I have to tell DW how I am feeling, if I just mope about looking glum she wouldn't notice.

Check the partners thread and this sums up ASC very nicely:

the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

Also I would suggest that you are very open and honest and very literal - don't try to wrap things up, he just won't get it. If he wants to make a go of it he'll have to make an effort and continue to make that effort, make sure he realises that. One of the things with ASC is that once they have an idea in their head its very difficult to budge - so make sure you plant those ideas!!!

If I had a penny for every time DS1 has been in some sort of trouble only to say "why didn't anyone tell me I was meant to do xyz" I'd a rich man.

Look for the posts by picklemepopcorn.

Looking at those scans it's no wonder Smeddums head hurt!

Thanks for your comments and insights. I've been reading the 'Married to someone with Aspergers thread' I've finished my relationship now, not just because of that, but I couldn't cope with all my affection going into a blank space. He couldn't make any emotional connection with me and I didn't want to have to adapt to someone again, not at my age. It got too hard especially as it was a long-distance relationship too. So it was long-distance in more ways than one. The only good thing is that I know it didn't hurt him when I walked away, he seemed absolutely fine. It was me that got hurt :(

IDGAF if this is offensive to some people, but I'm advising you to run like buggery. You can be all 'give it a chance'...until you're the one crying your eyes out and trapped. I was married to a man with Aspergers...it didn't half come out after we got married. That's when I saw it all...he couldn't be bothered to try with the mask any more.

I was going to say 'run' anyway, but then I read your 'I'm just out of a long marriage with a controlling man and suffered a whole world of emotional pain', and now I'm definitely saying cut it off now. Save yourself.

Ah, apologies, Frenchlady. Got here too late.

Don't worry...a little bit of hurt now is nothing. You'll be fine!

I think it is about finding a match. One theory is that ASD partners are more likely to be attracted to empaths which causes issues long term as empaths need the emotional connection and expression.

I had to learn that about myself, no point being with a lovely guy and have shared interests if emotionally we are incompatible.

*One of the things with ASD is that once they have an idea in their head its very difficult to budge - so make sure you plant those ideas!!!

If I had a penny for every time DS1 has been in some sort of trouble only to say "why didn't anyone tell me I was meant to do xyz"*

So true Daft, exh however changed when he went to a new workplace as the "ideas" came from them, nothing I said impacted his thinking.
Dsd would also say the exact phrase in a defensive, frustrated tone, which feels like she blames everyone else and doesn't take responsibility...fine when younger but problematic as she became older as you expect an adult to not have to be told.She really noticed this when she went to Uni as flatmates just looked at her in amazement.

Sorry it didn't work out OP. Although just because he seemed okay, doesn't mean he was.

And I don't think it's true that a relationship between someone with Asperger's and someone without it will never work. If you've met one person with autism etc.