New relationship but he has Aspergers Syndrome

[Frenchlady14]

I'm just after some advice really. Have started a relationship with someone I met online and it is going really well.

The thing is, he told me he has Aspergers and I can start to see some of the traits (I've since read up on it). He seems charming and practical and affectionate but won't actually say anything romantic.

Eye contact seems really odd too - rather like he is forcing himself to do it. He is very intelligent and has a really great job working for himself in IT. He only has one friend and doesn't see any of his family at all.

I suppose what I am asking (having looked at some sites that say run as fast as you can) is, are there different levels? I had a friend whose husband was very much like my new guy for the first year but then it seemed like he had tired of making the effort not to be his real self.

Massive massive apologies if I am offending anyone - I'm just out of a long marriage with a controlling man and suffered a whole world of emotional pain and I don't want to fall for someone who is going to be distant or not have any empathy and I'd rather walk away now before I get too invested - I really like him but am very wary

Please, if any mumsnetters have any words of wisdom for me?

@Frenchlady14

My dad and my son have Aspergers. As others have said - every Aspie is different. My Dad never used to have any eye contact - but now he makes himself do it. My son has low eye contact - he looks at me naturally etc, just maybe not as much as my daughter who is NT (neurotypical). My dad is not very affectionate - my son is soooo affectionate to the point of smothering me sometimes. He loves cuddles, he loves his mummy and often tells me he loves me and how beautiful I am. My son was more so diagnosed as an Aspie due to things like his black and white view of the world and him being very literal - he also has senses sensitivity ie in his case he has very sensitive skin and certain fabrics bother him.
One huge benefit of what is a common Aspie trait - is Aspie's tend to be very loyal in relationships.
One thing I would say is - I suspect there are lots of undiagnosed Aspie's out there. Meaning, people are falling in love with Aspie's who don't know they have it. You have met a man who has been up front and honest with you. He may or may not be the right person for you - but I think its a wonderful quality he has that he has told you upfront so you that you know. To me its a good start to a relationship or a possible friendship - but that's for you to decide.

To be fair, disclosing his autism would be the very basic level of respect I would expect from anyone. I don’t consider that to a great virtue.

To be fair, disclosing his autism would be the very basic level of respect I would expect from anyone. I don’t consider that to a great virtue

Do you often disclose personal medical information to new people in your life? It’s a diagnosis, not a contagious disease!

Yeah. It sounds like someone I met online, who copied my symptoms and pretended to have them, too I have ASD and he put it all over his dating profile, despite not having an official diagnosis. I think he thought women would feel sorry for him. In truth, I think he had a personality disorder.

Has he already been diagnosed? Or is he undergoing diagnosis? I thought mine was a narc and that the charm and affection, but absence of romantic gestures were a part of that. The guy I saw was also very intelligent, and everything else you said was similar, except he didn't work in IT (not directly)...

Just be cautious. It doesn't sound like the same person, but I have read other accounts on here of guys using various labels to compensate for unsual sets of behaviours.

Hope this helps a bit, good luck with the dating...

One of the nicest people I have met has Asbergers (I think). So clever and born to do the job he does.

If you are intent in forming a lasting close romantic relationship with someone it would not be a good start to not disclose a contagious disease, a personality disorder OR that you have difficulties with socializing or communicating.

@Slanetylor it’s not compulsory though, nor should it be.

I’m also struggling to find the part where OP said he struggles with socialising or communicating?

i know that I am falling for him but I don't want to fall for someone who - although he seems to be enjoying a relationship - won't really ever feel the same way

This is a common mistake, that people with Aspergers don’t feel! They most certainly do!

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/aspergers-diary/200809/asperger-emotions-and-adult-relationships%3famp

I agree with the above. We do feel, just maybe don’t express it in the same ways. I definitely feel, almost too much sometimes, I find it very overwhelming and can freeze up.

What is autism? I deduced he’s not a great socializer/ communicator from the fact that he has one friend, doesn’t speak to his family and often goes says without speaking to others. This is totally fine. But worth disclosing to the woman who may look to him for her most intimate partner/ confidante/ social partner.

Websites said to run? How charming 🤕

I have a close friends with AS. He's very smart, articulate, fun loving and sincere. But he's also quite serious, not particularly romantic, can say inappropriate things and can become easily confused.

I would say if you're a practical and straight up person you'll be able to cope just fine. It's those with very complicated personalities and a very dry sarcasm that can be hard with AS.

• Be clear on what you mean.
• Be respectful his boundaries may be unusual, but still enforce your own firmly but kindly.
• When explaining problems try to use logic and practicality instead of intuition and emotion. I don't mean don't be emotional, just it may be easier for him to understand here.
• Expect some obsessive interests in certain topics. This is by no means exclusive to Asperger but is a key component. My friend is very into politics and also Catholicism, someone else with the same condition I know loved opera and languages.
• Allow him to withdraw when overwhelmed. Sometimes overstimulation can happen which can cause severe anxiety.

But ultimately, he will have his own needs like you do. Be straight up with him and just see how things go.

@Slanetylor What is autism? it’s relative, we’re all different just as NT are all different.

OP didn’t say that he struggles, his choices about who he spends time with could be personal preference, and she wrote that he met her friends and they had a great time.

I can assure you, we Aspies feel. Probably far too much so we go into a sort of shut down as it's too much to process at once. DH has to put up with my obsessive interests but does so with very good grace.

OP my only advice would be communication is key! As with all relationships. You might just need to communicate slightly differently. If you want to know if he feels the same as you, don’t assume he knows how you feel. Tell him and ask if thinks the same.

Read a bit about Aspergers too if you have time,

@French lady I'm in a relationship with someone with Aspergers and it has been a very difficult 3 years. I recommend the forum differenttogether so you can get insight into the relationship dynamic from multiple women who are in relationships with men on the spectrum. You can also send me a PM also x

Thanks everyone - I'm taking all this into account - littlepill I assume he was diagnosed long before I met him - he didn't make a big fuss about telling me but calmly made a point of mentioning it when it became apparent that we were getting serious - he held my hand and actually looked me in the eyes to make sure I understood.

He is in contact with me most of the day - when I see him he treats me like a princess actually - I feel so lucky to have met him and I am balancing this against the odd wrong note that creeps into our time together.

To be honest my exhusband was NT and made my life feel like it was slowly getting smaller and smaller as he exerted more and more control - something you don't realise is happening until one day you look at the quiet and often frightened person you have become. So, the fact that he could do that to me - in what is supposed to be a conventional relationship makes me think I want to give this a chance. You are all helping me with this and I have gained much strength since I walked out of a 30-year marriage to be on my own, I want this to work - if I didn't I wouldn't be asking you for your help and advice - especially those of you on the spectrum and those of you with relationships with partners on the spectrum. One particularly helpful comment was from Smeddum again that if you've met one autistic person then you have only met one autistic person.

As for socialising - he has been into sports when he was younger and I don't think he has a problem actually socialising if it comes up, but that he doesn't feel the need to initiate it. I hate labelling people with anything and one lesson that life has taught me is that you cannot define people as they are so much more than you see in a label or in fact on the surface. I'm naturally cautious after having been hurt so badly in the past and I feel that I can look after myself now - even be on my own if I have to.

OP you sound awesome. To be honest, the majority of problems I’ve found as an autistic person is assumptions, judgement, mocking and patronising from people. None of which I read in your posts.

(I also wouldn’t initiate socialising if I didn’t have to sometimes!)

I totally understand where you're coming from wrt the previous bad relationship, it's hard for anyone to start a new relationship after 30 years!
He might not have many friends himself, but the fact that he got on well with your friends is a positive.
I expect as well that your previous partner may have done a bit of "lovebombing" at the start, so lots of gifts/saying "I love you" all the time/that sort of thing, so to go from that to someone who does pretty much nothing would be a little disconcerting.
One thing I've seen mentioned on here more than once is to look up the five "love languages"; according to this, people express love in one of five ways: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and personal touch. If he's an Aspie he may not use words of affirmation or touch (people with ASD can be very sensitive about touch), but he may like spending time with you or giving you presents, for example.

toffee thanks - that is very useful. The touch part is more than ok and he does a lot of things for me and likes buying me things - I have to stop him getting me too much stuff. But, he deflects any conversation about emotions so I am trying not to initiate many. You're right about my ex - all lovebombing and emotion and words and underneath a horrible need to control wrapped up in pathalogical jealousy to the point that I had to face away from the rest of the restaurant or bar if we were out - I mistook this for love and was flattered in the early days ... fast forward to years later and I look back and could cry at how naive I was

But do be careful too. Why are you starting conversations about emotions? If you are a person who likes or needs to speak about emotions, you are already mounding yourself to his needs by trying to make yourself not start discussions like this. That may be fine, but don’t silence yourself or your needs either.

I’m pulled in two different directions after reading your posts.

On the one hand some of the things you’ve identified are typical of aspergers: the flat voice, the literal misinterpretation of humor, the eye contact. I can understand why they would feel like a “wrong note”, but they’re not red flags per se. Although sharing a sense of humor and the silent meeting of minds that occurs when your eyes lock might be very important to you and it’s perfectly ok to choose a partner who can give you these things.

On the other hand I am very concerned that you are finding yourself in a position where you are hearing the “wrong note” and second guessing your gut instinct. Especially given your relationship history. That makes me very uneasy for you.

I’m a Mum of two boys on the spectrum and I would love to say you shouldn’t discriminate against a romantic partner with aspergers but you don’t owe anyone a relationship.

You say “I’m far from perfect” and that’s true of all of us, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to find a partner who is perfect for us.

My advice at this stage is to slow right down. He makes you feel special so work on finding ways to build your self esteem and feel special that doesn’t involve a partner. Look into the freedom programme because it will help you identify patterns of attraction and relationships and help you fine tune your gut instincts.

I’m generalizing a bit here, but if he has aspergers he may respond very well to clear boundaries along the lines of meeting once a week, or only texting at certain times. If he’s as happy in his own company as he says, he may be happy to take it slowly while you find your feet.

Slanetylor yes I understand completely what you are saying - already making concessions - but don't we all do that to some extent to fit into a relationship? However, If I find I am losing myself and find that I am making too many compromises - then I will have my answer. I'm not at that point yet though and I would so much like this work out that I hope I don't reach that point. But I'm a big girl now and if I do - I'll be sad but I'll be ok. Thanks for your sensible view on this - I need to hear this.

I have dated several men with Aspergers, all totally different, one got quite nasty with me when I suggested we just be friends and I ended up having to block him on everything (I met him on POF). Another I dated when I was younger and he was lovely, probably too lovely, could trust him fully as he could not lie, I’m still friends with him now and he’s still single