YO HO NO - support for those saying 'No' at Christmas

[pigmcpigface]

Inspired by @JenBarbers thread in Chat, this is a place for anyone who is drawing a boundary this Christmas.

You might be saying 'NO' to Christmas altogether, or to one element of it. You might be refusing to see difficult relatives, or you might just not want to cook one more bloody turkey, ever again. Or you might just want to do it your way, this year or every year in future.

If you love Christmas and every single aspect of it, and you're blessed with a perfect family who all get along and sing carols around a roaring fire, then this is probably not the place for you.

And yes - we know it's only May. But for some people, this is so stressful that Christmas worry is year-round. And, for some, it takes months to build up the courage to say 'No, I'm not doing that'.

I'm not sure this is a relationships issue?

🎅

We had a discussion about where to put it, and the feeling was that there wasn't anywhere it really fitted, but that the relationships element of this was one of the hardest ones, so this might be the best location for now.

We really needs a 'wellbeing' section in talk!

Good luck to you all. I grew up with Christmas being a massive deal and having to alternate between two places.
Now we do what we want. When we want. Relaxed.
Eat the omelette.
Sod the relatives.
Spend it in Bora Bora.
Life is too short to spend it trying (and failing) to make other people happy.

Yes - as it's about the family relationships that include extended family members who have huge expectations on making use of MNers time and energy and how to deal with those.

Amongst other matters.

🎅🤶

ChickenFried, It could be a relationship issue, our relationship with Santa! In fact, one of the threadname suggestions was "Fuck Santa"!

I hasten to clarify that 'Fuck Santa', in context, was a way of abusing said bearded, red-clad figure, and not a description of some weird sexual predilection!

Doesn't matter really, he doesn't exist. Or does he?

Santa roleplay? Now I need brain bleach!

No to travelling hours on boxing Day.
No to buying all the presents for everyone.
No to buying for ungrateful relatives.
No to feeling pressure to spend a certain amount on presents.

Many more no doubt but those are the ones that are the top of my head!

Right, enough of santa. We hate xmas, we're NOT doing it! Easy for me to say I know, because kids are grown. I'm buying no presents, no cards, no xmas food and online shopping November/December to avoid xmas songs and crowds. Will give kids a bit of money and that's it.

My nos are mostly about boundaries:

• I will not spend Christmas itself with inlaws. I'll host them around the festive season for 3 days.
• I will not spend two days preparing for their visit - they are DH's parents, so he can do the work of getting shopping and presents.
• I will not spend every second of the three day visit with them - I'll go and see friends for part of the time to get a break.
• I will not cook a 3 course meal each day, from scratch. I'll do a roast, but the rest of the time, it'll be food from Cook
• I will call out attempts to undermine or patronise me, gently but firmly (I will need help/advice about how to do this).
• I WILL NOT DO ANY SODDING WRAPPING UP, I HATE IT WITH THE FIERY HEAT OF 10 SUNS

Hoping I can manage to have the Christmas I want this year. Have been effectively forced to have in-laws and my DM on Christmas day for last few years. Due to recent event with in-laws I have said I don't want to have anything to do with them, so actually think I won't have to entertain this year. A couple of years ago I was up, sitting on the loo for several nights with terrible stomach pains due to worry of having MIL and DM together. Definitely a relationship issue.

I will be spending Christmas just me and DH, and not the dysfunctional side of the family, who sadly only live 20 minutes away. I will not be cajoled into spending "just the morning" with them as seeing them makes me feel tense and sad.

I may lie and say that we're abroad!

Great thread by the way!

"A couple of years ago I was up, sitting on the loo for several nights with terrible stomach pains"

Oh, you poor thing. DH used to get this too - every time his parents visited, he would have terrible stomach ache, to the point that sometimes he'd just go white as a sheet and vomit. I think it can be an extreme stress reaction for some people. His went away after he had a few sessions of counselling, and learned to set some boundaries.

I want to say no to exchanging presents this year. I'm wondering how early is too early to send a text around to the in-laws??

Also want to say no to the excessive time MIL insists on us being there.

Where do I begin??

It’s a massive ‘FUCK NO!’ from me this year. Last years Christmas would’ve made even Jeremy Kyle cringe.

No family, no friends, just ‘us’ (me, DH, 2 DCs and the dog). Even considering going away.

But already the guilt is starting. Dsis is a new single Mum and doesn’t speak to the rest of the family.....somebody stop me!

Ooo can I join in?
I bloody love Xmas it’s my favourite time of the year and my friends all laugh that I should be American because I go so over the top (don’t kick me off the thread just yet...)
BUT! Here are the things I would like to say no to this year, and every year from now on:

• I will not get into a present buying contest with my Mum, she always has to buy more than me for my kids and it gets right on my tits, I feel their Xmas morning ‘pile’ under the tree should be the biggest, so from us & Santa, but every year my Mum just has to get bigger and better - any advice on how to deal with this?
• I will say no to our miserable, rude, judgemental, ignorant, offensive, ungrateful Uncle - just no, you’re not coming, you’re not invited, sod off!
• I will not plan my entire day around DPs grandad and which church service he chooses to attend, if he can’t come at a good time for us then he can’t come, we’ve got 4 kids, Xmas is about them and we will do what suits them the best, not him
• I will not have the annual Xmas row with DP about him taking the kids to see his Mum, she doesn’t bother with them all year, she certainly doesn’t get part of their Christmas Day - again, any advice on this one would be appreciated?

🎅🏾

This year Im saying no to hosting 12 people on both xmas day and Boxing Day. Particularly saying big no to the ones who turn up without a contribution, don’t lift a finger to help and mess my house up and then complain over tiny things and then don’t have the decency to go home even though their kids are asleep on the floor.

glitter - 12 people!!?!?!

bax - In terms of timing, I don't think there's such a thing as too early to set expectations. The situation you want to avoid is one where someone has already bought a load of stuff and is inconvenienced by the switch. I imagine your dilemma is going to be a really common one on the thread, so maybe we can all put our heads together and come up with a form of words that covers it?

Here's a start - others, please edit this to make it better!!

"Dear X - I'm emailing about Christmas, believe it or not!! No, you haven't read the date incorrectly - it IS still May, which makes this a distinctly unseasonable topic! But I wanted to be able to talk to you about this early, before any presents had been bought so as not to cause you any inconvenience. I wanted to give you a heads up that we are really struggling with money/space/time/energy this year. We've had a tough time. In the circumstances, we'd like to have a Christmas where we ignore the material (and stressful) side of things and focus on spending quality time together as a family instead. This means we won't be giving or receiving presents/we will be limiting gifts to £x per person. I wanted to let you know, as it would be embarrasing to receive a onesided gift that we couldn't reciprocate."

??? Thoughts/edits/ideas/suggestions all welcome. Tear it apart!

Pig - I like the sound of that, and you're right - it's probably better to send the message out sooner rather than later and then risk someone already buying gifts.

I think the other thing is - why does this have to come from us, as the women?

I think behind the personalities and the dysfunctional inlaws is another issue: why does so much of this very, very onerous work fall on women?

This year I'm saying no to spending one day (near enough) before Christmas with my father and his wife.

Our invite is all for show so his wife can put on Farcebook how wonderful their family/life is, fooling only herself its utter tosh.

Don't see them all year, limited phonecalls, they openly favourite my sibling and his kids, why on earth do I need to go and be put through that again?

Also I'm saying no to hosting everyone .... last year I cooked for 9 people (three different meats were requested), only four of us ate on the day, 5 jibbed out for different reasons.

Still plated up four meals for those that wanted food and dd delivered them to their doors. No contributions, no help. They did thank me.

Did have an almighty hissy fit where I threatened to go to Florida for Chistmas 2018.

To much explanation where you open yourself up to counter arguments.

‘It’s only May, things can change by then. How about we do ...’

I suggested

‘Because of X we are doing Y. We are giving you the heads up so you can make other arrangements ‘

Or something slightly more eloquent but either way, you do invite argument.