YO HO NO - support for those saying 'No' at Christmas

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Inspired by @JenBarbers thread in Chat, this is a place for anyone who is drawing a boundary this Christmas.

You might be saying 'NO' to Christmas altogether, or to one element of it. You might be refusing to see difficult relatives, or you might just not want to cook one more bloody turkey, ever again. Or you might just want to do it your way, this year or every year in future.

If you love Christmas and every single aspect of it, and you're blessed with a perfect family who all get along and sing carols around a roaring fire, then this is probably not the place for you.

And yes - we know it's only May. But for some people, this is so stressful that Christmas worry is year-round. And, for some, it takes months to build up the courage to say 'No, I'm not doing that'.

Oh bless you tober it really was nothing you've done. I would suggest that you just have a quiet one at home so you can just go with how you feel (hiding and crying may well feature high on the list)

tobermoryisthebestwomble So sorry to read your post! I’d let you have all the cheese and wine!

We've said no to Christmas pud. We're having a salted caramel roulade instead. The kids don't eat it, just DH and me.

Last year I said no to prawn cocktail starters, we bought a smoked salmon blini kit and it was bloody vile, the blinis were, we've had them before and they were vile then too. 😂

I'm also sick of watching Alistair Simms Christmas Carol, every Saturdays night before the big day. It would break DH's heart, he loves tradition, I might have to be out that night.

Imagine a group of me writing this thread! 😂😂😂

Men

I just wait for the men to organise it.
It's a good way of ensuring it's the most quiet non-event ever to take place!
DH wouldn't know where to start.
DF just goes along with what his partner does 200 miles away
DBIL waits for the women to liaise
DFIL has basically done NOTHING ever but please himself.

Why should we women run ourselves into the ground on so many levels to experience the undercurrentathon that is Christmas.
I'm going to work in a homeless shelter this Christmas then go out for dinner later on.

One year I was working in catering at xmas. Day and night for weeks, couldn't do anything at home towards xmas (the days before online shopping). Ex did it all and I was even working xmas lunch in a pub. When I arrived home, relatives were there and all had mucked in. Xmas dinner and everything all done, presents waiting under the tree. That's when it clicked for me! I'd been doing most of it on my own for years, knocking myself out for nothing! Ridiculous, never did it on my own again. Never even relegated, just stepped back. Try it, it does work! (That's not why he's my ex, btw)

So true. I think we can be guilty of thinking the world will fall down if we don't do everything but actually it's really liberating stepping back, letting go and just seeing what happens.

This Christmas we only had BIL SIL and their kids visit for one of the days.

I didn't buy any food especially and just threw some canapés in the oven and served with bread and cheese all piled on a messy table of stuff because no fucker cleared it and that was that.
It's so interesting seeing what happens when the men have to take charge.
Especially interesting listening to your inner voice afterwards judging you for not presenting the perfect Xmas spread blah blah.

So true. Aren't we all daft? Conditioning!

I'm very lucky that DH is happy to do the cooking but this year gone, I did not buy any presents for his side, so they got none His mum came to see us on the 28th and there was nothing for her. I've realised that I cannot make them have the relationship I have with my folks, so just leave them to it.

This year, I imagine we'll spend Christmas together, so I will make sure the children choose/make something for their granny.

3000 miles from both sets of parents works for us. I do love my MIL though, sometimes feel guilty about that

I dislike the run up to Christmas and all of that crap. I don't like the dark winter months full stop and just want to hibernate.

My DDs are 22, 19 and 15. We stopped the ridiculous travelling over Christmas and New Year when DD1 was still a baby and that did improve things.

In recent years I have also stopped the equally ridiculous performance of sending dozens of Christmas cards. I now only send to my parents and my sister, who we rarely see. I leave DH to send any cards he wishes to his side of the family. He went on about how he would do it but he never has and a couple, including his sister, noticed and told him so. If he wants that bullshit tradition to continue then he knows he will have to do it himself. He won't though, and I have gone on strike with it.

Once we get to Christmas Day it is just DH and I with our DDs and we go out to a local restaurant for Christmas Dinner so nobody has to cook or wash up. I'm fine with that, and it makes it bearable.

Christmas isn't something I look forward to though. In fact, I could really do without it and the forced jollity. If we must have it then I think it should be every other year. Yearly is far too soon.

Give me summer over Christmas anytime.

"Why should we women run ourselves into the ground on so many levels to experience the undercurrentathon that is Christmas."

Exactly!

It's the expectation that this is just A Woman's Lot that infuriates me. The thing people worry about the most, in my experience (which isn't everyone's, obviously) is how other women will judge them. I think being able to shrug and say "That's not how we want to do things" is important.

I think there is something almost perverse about the fact that we have turned the shortest holiday of the year, at the most difficult time weather-wise, into this elaborate event that requires all kinds of shopping, financial stress, emotional stress and planning. In our case, it has often mean stopping work one day, then travelling 300 miles in one direction, followed by 400 miles in another, to see both families. It's ridiculous and it has to stop!

In Ireland the 6th of January is known as Nollaig na mBan - Little Christmas or Women's Christmas. It's an old tradition.

Basically they get a day off as a thank you for all their efforts for the family over the Christmas season and do whatever takes their fancy - whether that's a spa day or a day shopping for nice things for themselves, or meeting up with friends for a leisurely lunch, or all of the above!

The Irish tradition sounds a good one, even in families where men do most of the work over Christmas (if they exist).

It's no to turkey for us, to save a week of leftovers. I am sorely tempted to say no to the office Christmas meal as well- decent enough as my work colleagues are, we have different interests outside work.

I LOVE Christmas. I don't like all the family crap that goes with it. My siblings no longer have parents in law, but I do. Whatever I arrange, my brother gets sniffy with me because he thinks I'm not spending enough time with my parents. I don't care what he thinks, but he winds my mum up about it. And my sister in law thinks we should spend more time with my parents in law (who don't care how much time we spend there, they love seeing us).

This year, DH, DS and I are going out for Christmas lunch. Or we may go away. If my brother gets sniffy about that, maybe he'll disappear up his own nostrils!

necklace - that's really bad of your brother, and very awkward for you. It IS difficult when you have one side of the family that is much smaller than the other. I'm in the same boat - PIL are both only children, no surviving parents, so their Christmas is really small. My family (and that of BIL) is much larger, so there are loads of people to see. PIL really don't understand that with us both working, and families living 300 miles away from each other and 300 miles from our house in different directions, it's logistically very draining to get to see everyone. This year, I am minded just to go away over Christmas and see family before/after.

I like the idea of a women's celebration. I do think it would be better if the assumption was that the work was shared 50/50 though!!

Don't forget the motto for xmas everyone "PLEASE your self"! If you can't do that fully, at least mostly

Ah thank you for this thread! I will be refusing to see my mother in law on Christmas Day after last year's show from her! I was 6 months pregnant and had a 1 year old so had said (in August!) I didn't want to do Christmas as I do every year so we'd go out and she was welcome to join us. She offered to cook and host. 5 days before she told me she wasn't doing Christmas and I'd have to do it as she was now working.
Unfortunately I expected this so had bought food and everything already. She demanded the food be ready for 2pm, she finally showed up at 4 and decided to take her time (disappeared for a shower and to get changed) as she'd already eaten at work and wasn't that hungry. Then she and her partner trotted out some unbelievable things (some highlights: "wonder how the royals will react to 'a black' being on the throne" - they meant Meghan Markle...and "I feel for the people in camps at Calais they must have experienced horrors we can only dream of but we are an island and we are full") I made them so uncomfortable that they left quickly.
There's no way I'm doing that again this year!!

that sounds absolutely horrific aldous. I suppose the one upside of such horrible behaviour is that it's absolutely unambiguous - and thus gives you all the backup you need to say 'NO!'

Sometimes we stay in the UK and sometimes not. I hope for Xmas 2018 we (me, DH and 2 DS) will go away on holiday - probably Asia. The reduced work (no arrangements/cooking/travelling to relatives etc.) and actually reduced expense is amazing! When we holiday instead we don't do presents for each other, there's no Xmas food, no relatives round, etc.

DH and I have come up with a plan that's finally given us some peace. Hopefully I can forget about it all now until nearer the time!

We're going to invite PIL out for a Christmas meal...but not on Christmas day (within the few days before). There is no problem with seeing them for a cup of tea and a mince pie on the day (either at ours or theirs) if they wish but we're not getting involved with meals. Need to break this cycle! Sad really because I used to actually enjoy preparing Christmas dinner and making it nice for everyone - they've completely drained the joy out of it for me though.

Still means sharing a meal and going into the time where they don't seem to be able to control themselves from badmouthing people or making PA remarks. I won't have gone to loads of time and effort preparing a meal for them or great expense of paying for everyone's meals on Christmas day itself...so it won't bite so much! Hopefully between now and then they would have stopped doing it around us and we can have a nice time. If they kick off about it then that's their choice.

Good plan Short Book. If they do kick off, stand firm with dh and don't back down. Well done for breaking the cycle.

Thank you leggere. I am pretty confident that we will stand firm on this one because we really believe it is reasonable and absolutely don't want to continue with the Christmas day obligation. We've got reasons for preferring this that have nothing to do with their behaviour, so we can explain our choice without it getting personal if needs be. Maybe they will be pleased to break away from it all too...