Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help please texting ruing relationship

58 replies

Monkey142 · 01/05/2018 03:47

I need help please about 9years ago my wife started acting differently with a guy she occasionally had to work with. She became very secretive with her phone, even texting while she was in the shower. She left her computer open one day and I noticed an increasingly suggestive email thread not smutty but obvious she found him attractive. I confronted her about it and she admitted they had been flirting for a while but nothing physical happened. Even though they had met for a drink with some other work colleagues. 8 years 2 beautiful children and a miscarriage later it has happened again and it is the same guy!

Again she left her phone open with a WhatsApp message thread between them, she mentioned that she thought he was attractive and wondered where he had been followed by lots of kisses. She denied it was him again. I overheard her telling a friend it was the same guy from 8 yrs previous. They had kept in contact on and off over the years. I did hear her tell her friend they had not slept together. She said it was harmless flirting that had made her feel good about herself. She is 44 and looks great, which I do tell her often.

I am heartbroken that she feels she needs this guy to make her feel happy and it really feels like a betrayal. She is telling me I am blowing it out of proportion, but also admitted it would have upset her it it was the other way round. It feels like the end after 14 mainly fantastic years. I want it not to bother me but I can’t help how I feel. Am I right to feel betrayed?

OP posts:
Original poster
Monkey142 · 01/05/2018 04:36

Also would like to add my wife kep this guys number on her phone under a woman’s name. What I am really struggling with is why all the deception if it was totally innocent which is what she keeps saying it was. Surely it’s not harmless if it hurts me.

OP posts:
falang · 01/05/2018 05:20

It's not innocent. I wouldn't believe a word she says.

Original poster
Monkey142 · 01/05/2018 06:05

Thank you, she has got me thinking I am in the wrong for feeling hurt and I am blowing it out of proportion.

OP posts:
Adayindisney67 · 01/05/2018 06:39

Nothing innocent about this, its disgraceful and you deserve better! It's that simple.

I think you know what you need to do!

Original poster
Monkey142 · 01/05/2018 06:54

Thank you Aday but I do genuinely love her and Our 2 children who will be so upset if we split up. But I agree it’s not right and she needs to acknowledge that at the very least.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/05/2018 07:02

Don't be a mug

bionicnemonic · 01/05/2018 07:10

Maybe it’s a harmless flirtation that boosts her ego...she knows you love her but maybe the idea of being admired from afar has a romantic allure...it really doesn’t have to suggest she would have sex with him...sometimes a fantasy is just that. Perhaps the name change and subterfuge were there for fear of how you would react, some couples embrace flirting, for some it’s out of bounds and would drive it underground. No one knows her feelings but maybe she’s shown she would like to be wooed? If you can why not be light and funny with her when you can...enjoy each other’s company...put music on and dance round the living room with her and your children...nothing is as seductive as laughter

Adayindisney67 · 01/05/2018 07:14

I get it you love her..
But she it showing complete lack of love and respect for you and it can't go on like this. She is walking all over you because you forgive her behaviour time and time again.
The children would be upset to start with, but they'll be more upset seeing their parents unhappy every single day for the sake of keeping their family together.

I can't tell you what to do, just know what she is doing is not innocent and is absolutely wrong. Its an emtional affair at the very least and it will turn into something else if you aren't careful. (If it hasn't already)

Original poster
Monkey142 · 01/05/2018 07:22

I really appreciate your input. There is nobody I can talk to about this as they are too close to the situation. I can get my head around the harmless flirting, if there was nothing to it. I really wished she had told me the guy was back in contact. If it was me I would have acted flattered but not interested. Surely if she is committed to our relationship that’s what she would have done. Bio I will speak to her later and see if we can be open with each other. It’s the only way.

OP posts:
Chocolate123 · 01/05/2018 07:35

I agree that at the very least it's an emotional affair. If this was the other way around how would she feel? She's totally disrespectful to you

Cawfee · 01/05/2018 07:48

It’s not ok. She’s being deceptive. I think she gets a kick out of it. She doesn’t seem to care much about your feelings!

Original poster
Monkey142 · 01/05/2018 07:56

She did say that it made her feel attractive and wanted. I can understand but compliment her all the time, and she said it’s nice to have someone other than me want her. I am sure at times we all need a pick me up, why look outside of the relationship.

OP posts:
certificateofauthenticity · 01/05/2018 07:57

Having fantasies is fine. Having secrets and lying, either by omission or directly is not. Time for an honesty session. One chance, make that clear, to open up and tell the truth. If any secrets or lies are discovered afterwards then you will never have the trust required for a relationship to flourish. Your relationship with her will wither and die, with bitterness from both. You are on quicksand and you need a firm place to stand. Just my view.

Original poster
Monkey142 · 01/05/2018 08:02

Thank you certificate. I told her last night we have to be honest with each other as lies will just eat away. It still feels like she is hiding something. But my imagination could be running away with me after all the deceit.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 01/05/2018 08:04

bionic I assume you would post exactly the same reply if it were a female OP talking about her husband behaving like this? If so, that'd be a first. If the sexes were reversed there wouldn't be one poster suggesting that the OP needs to do more "wooing". It's almost like victim blaming. "Sorry, OP, it's your fault your wife is behaving inappropriately". Fuck off is it.

Jenasaurus · 01/05/2018 08:09

I completely understand your pain Op, I posted on Sunday about a similar scenario with my DP, I ended it and feel relieved to be honest as the pain of not knowing if there is more to the texts eats away at you. The fact she has him saved under a womens name, there is no way she isn't up to no good. I am sorry but in your shoes I would end things, in fact I was in your shoes and I did only 2 days ago.

Jamboree05 · 01/05/2018 08:19

OP. First off- I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It is not acceptable for her to behave in this way.

Secondly- you don't need to do any wooing of any kind (@bionic 😬 you cannot actually be serious?! What the actual fuck is going on in your head that makes you think the OP should just try to win his cheating wife back?)

Thirdly- this is an affair. Regardless of the lack of physical contact she is emotionally attaching herself to another man.

I really think you need to be much more forthright about this. As PPs have said, sit her down and say truth now or we are done. You need to get through to her that this behaviour is wrong. She is betraying and distracting you and you are allowing her to. I really feel for you as you genuinely sound lovely, but you really need to stand up for yourself here.

Original poster
Monkey142 · 01/05/2018 08:31

Thank you very much for your kind words. Hearing other people’s opinion is a massive help. She had started getting me to believe what she was telling me. I will be strong and demand total honesty or there is no way we can carry on.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 01/05/2018 08:36

Monkey You won't get it, it's frankly pointless asking. She's been deceiving you for years but telling at least one friend what she's been up to (at least partly). Why would she suddenly own up now. I'd get out of this now. It's no marriage and if you stay together, no matter what she tells you, you will always, always be wondering if she's doing it again, lying to you about this and that. No way to live and an awful atmosphere for your children. Get out mate. Although, quite honestly, I'd be telling her to leave, I don't see why you should as she's the one who has broken the marriage.

TuTru · 01/05/2018 08:45

It could just be that it makes her feel good, it doesn’t make it right or ok. The dishonesty is a worry. But it doesn’t mean you’re not good enough or any thing like that. As it’s upset you I think she should want to stop immediately. Maybe some couples therapy is a good idea? Xx

Original poster
Monkey142 · 01/05/2018 08:47

Thanks shatter it is looking more and more likely that it is the end. She is still trying to say I have no right to act wronged. Also her friend is really not helping saying why should she pander to my insecurities. She does not seem to understand I have been proved right and my fears were founded.

OP posts:
Cawfee · 01/05/2018 08:48

She’s not going to give you honesty. She’s so used to covering her tracks. The secrets are thrilling to her too. Sadly, she isn’t going to stop. If she gets off to this type of thing, as she gets older and more insecure she’s going to do it more! It’s habit. You should make her leave. Cold hard dose of reality might shock some sense into her

Original poster
Monkey142 · 01/05/2018 08:50

Thank you tu tru. It has really knocked my confidence because everything seemed to be going so well lately we were getting on really well. It has definitely taken the wind out of my sails.

OP posts:
Original poster
Monkey142 · 01/05/2018 08:53

I think you may be right. For the sake of the children it needs to be worked out amicably. I don’t think I could stay in the house anyway. Regardless of what happens with us she is a brilliant mum to our children.

OP posts:
TheDrinksAreOnMe · 01/05/2018 08:53

It's an emotional affair. An affair. How can she not see that?