Help please texting ruing relationship

[Monkey142]

I need help please about 9years ago my wife started acting differently with a guy she occasionally had to work with. She became very secretive with her phone, even texting while she was in the shower. She left her computer open one day and I noticed an increasingly suggestive email thread not smutty but obvious she found him attractive. I confronted her about it and she admitted they had been flirting for a while but nothing physical happened. Even though they had met for a drink with some other work colleagues. 8 years 2 beautiful children and a miscarriage later it has happened again and it is the same guy!

Again she left her phone open with a WhatsApp message thread between them, she mentioned that she thought he was attractive and wondered where he had been followed by lots of kisses. She denied it was him again. I overheard her telling a friend it was the same guy from 8 yrs previous. They had kept in contact on and off over the years. I did hear her tell her friend they had not slept together. She said it was harmless flirting that had made her feel good about herself. She is 44 and looks great, which I do tell her often.

I am heartbroken that she feels she needs this guy to make her feel happy and it really feels like a betrayal. She is telling me I am blowing it out of proportion, but also admitted it would have upset her it it was the other way round. It feels like the end after 14 mainly fantastic years. I want it not to bother me but I can’t help how I feel. Am I right to feel betrayed?

You sound nice, monkey. A bit too nice, maybe ? You don't deserve to get treated like that.

You sound so easily quick to forgive her and it sounds like she knows you will forgive her and there will be no consequences for her actions . She sounds horrible and you deserve better

Trust can’t be stuck back together like a broken plate. More like a damaged plant - it can only be regrown over time, and may never be what it was.
I’m also with AF - you deserve respect and her deceit and minimising is as damaging as the affair. If you forgive too easily you will lose your family - because if she doesn’t respect you she will not desire you. It’s all a bit shit like that I’m afraid!

Thanks Kate and dadaist. We had a long talk about things last night and seem to have made real progress. I made it very clear how close I am to calling it a day over this and she was genuinely shocked and quite upset. She has booked herself in for therapy. Whilst I am willing to try and forgive her. I explained that I can’t make myself feel something that’s not there. If I find that I am unable to feel that trust then it will be over.

@bionicmoronic - 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Monkey She HAS booked herself in for therapy? If you only talked about things last night, how on earth has she managed to do that? Or do you actually mean she says she will LOOK at therapy? And what sort of therapy?

Seems an incredibly swift turnaround from her.

Hello shatners we spoke yesterday during the day. After speaking she arranged for therapy to discuss a couple of issues. For the last few years we have a few cases where she has had minor illnesses or running injuries and she has convinced herself it has been very serious diseases. It has turned out fine but this feeling has come about since we had children she is so scared something will happen to her and they will be left without a mum. I have suggested seeing a therapist for ages. Finally yesterday she took my advice. I want to at least give it a try and see if we can work through this together. I am not prepared to just throw away the last 14 years, especially as she is making a real effort. Only time will tell.

She's making all the right noises and really hope the therapy helps her.
You sound like a good man and I hope she starts to appreciate you more.
I wish you well and hope you can have a long and happy future with your DW.
But as others have said, trust does take a lot of time to rebuild.
As long as he understands that you may get somewhere.