Help please texting ruing relationship

[Monkey142]

I need help please about 9years ago my wife started acting differently with a guy she occasionally had to work with. She became very secretive with her phone, even texting while she was in the shower. She left her computer open one day and I noticed an increasingly suggestive email thread not smutty but obvious she found him attractive. I confronted her about it and she admitted they had been flirting for a while but nothing physical happened. Even though they had met for a drink with some other work colleagues. 8 years 2 beautiful children and a miscarriage later it has happened again and it is the same guy!

Again she left her phone open with a WhatsApp message thread between them, she mentioned that she thought he was attractive and wondered where he had been followed by lots of kisses. She denied it was him again. I overheard her telling a friend it was the same guy from 8 yrs previous. They had kept in contact on and off over the years. I did hear her tell her friend they had not slept together. She said it was harmless flirting that had made her feel good about herself. She is 44 and looks great, which I do tell her often.

I am heartbroken that she feels she needs this guy to make her feel happy and it really feels like a betrayal. She is telling me I am blowing it out of proportion, but also admitted it would have upset her it it was the other way round. It feels like the end after 14 mainly fantastic years. I want it not to bother me but I can’t help how I feel. Am I right to feel betrayed?

She is still trying to say I have no right to act wronged
This is where it is all wrong.
These are YOUR feelings and she is totally downplaying them.
Your feelings are your feelings.
She has no say over how you SHOULD feel.
I hate it when a partner does that.
One of the reasons I recently ended something.

Could you just get some space away from her?
Get her out of your headspace so you can really thing about what you want.
Would she agree to joint counselling?
She really has no idea what this is doing to you or how damaging it is for your relationship.
There is more to this.
Otherwise she would see you are hurt and just put a stop to it.
She is not doing that.
She is not respecting you, your relationship or your feelings.

Get away for a week or so and then take it from there.
Right now she is not understanding the 'loss' of you.
If you are out of the picture for a little while it may help her see what she is 'missing'

bionic would you say that if the genders were reversed?

It's not on.

I have been there 13 years ago OP, my h managed to convince me it was just a friendship with a very young woman who worked for us and too much overtexting. 11 years later I accidentally find a ton of love poems/songs he had written about her. I am now told it was a one sided crush. I was totally devastated. I have stayed but I can assure you the lack of trust affects how you feel every day . I would play hard right now. It may be a massive wake up call if she truly cares that what she is doing is playing Russian roulette with marriage just for a quick ‘buzz’

Any relationship/contact that you wouldn’t want your other half to see is unacceptable in my book.

I found out that my DP had been texting with a female friend a couple of years ago for some moral support after a mutual friend died, and that it had become obvious she was looking for more than friendship. He says he shut it down and didn’t contact her again.

Had he kept up the contact and had there been flirting or inappropriate behaviour on both sides I would have finished it. As it stands I only have his word for what did or didn’t happen, but I trust him and have no reason to suspect otherwise.

You have proof that your DW has outright disrespected you, by putting in a woman’s name, by being flirtatious and by allowing this to continue over many years. She doesn’t seem to care that it upsets you, she just wants to feel desired.

Well whoopee doo, don’t we all, but most of us accept that someone checking us out when we walk down the street or liking our new profile pic is enough. Sending dodgy messages that we have to hide from our partners from a contact under a false name is cheating.

Its not honesty you need OP. Its her realising what she is doing is not only wrong but soul destroying. If she isn't happy with you, she needs to address this and not look elsewhere.

What she really needs to do is stop or leave.

I obviously don't know you personally OP but you seem like a decent guy, would you say you put her happiness before your own? To me it sounds as though she's taking advantage of your good nature and is showing absolutely no respect. You need to trust your gut feelings on this.

oh and by the way...

"..she is a brilliant mum to our children."

Brilliant mums don't risk their marriage and potentially risk breaking up a family.

She has just phoned up and apologised profusely. She swears that it was just a stupid mistake and she would never sleep with him. She said they had never actually spoken on the phone. Just exchanged messages every 2-3 years. I confronted the guy and he said it was innocent and not meant to cause harm. She was very apologetic and fully accepted it was wrong and stupid. We have been together 14 years so I can tell when she is lying. She knows I am hurt and hopes I can forgive her and we can move on hopefully. At least she is starting to see how hurtful it is.

Well at least that's a start.
Now she needs to understand why she did it and was not willing accept your hurt.
And also so far hasn't been willing to give it up.
Has she now promised to block him and delete everything?
She has a lot of trust to build up here.
You need to know what it is YOU need to help you to start to trust her again.
I'll say it again - joint counselling may help you get over this initial hurdle.

Thank you hells. She explained that she was feeling very down and felt as if she is just existing. She wanted to feel some excitement and she made a stupid mistake. I explained that I want more to xcitement too but I want it to be with her and she should try talking to me about things rather than texting someone else. We all like to feel desireable, I explained how close this came to being the end for us. She understood I was hurt but couldn’t see how I would want to throw away 14 years over a few messages. She has sworn on her life that no physical contact ever happened.

Also, if you are inclined, read 'not just friends' by Shirley Glass. It does say honest comes first, but her recognising that it is an affair, even if not physical, is an important step in her accepting your behaviour. She cannot trivialise it, or make your feelings seem not important. Also she cannot give you a time limit to get over it. You may hear from her that it is your fault ( not paying her enough attention, etc) and why can't you just drop it, it get over it. It's a script that Shirley Glass has heard several times before, and if you spend any time on MN, you will see the effect that denying or minimalising her behaviour has. It's horrible, I've been there. Look after yourself.

If you don't get the truth, it will be like picking a scab and it will never heal. You will keep picking until you get to a version you can believe, or you will give up and leave.

It’s very easy being the one who is acting an idiot not to see why the betrayed person might decide to end it. They ‘know’ the facts in full, you don’t and it’s hard to believe when trust is broken. I think she has had that wake up call OP , but keep your eyes and ears open and do put yourself first at the moment

Thank you every everyone your input has been greatly appreciated. You have been a real help. X

Monkey142 I know how you feel as I've been going through similar with my dh this year.

Talk as much as you need to. I found out in January and we're still talking about it. I used to trust him completely - that has changed! Also, I feel quite insecure. I'm mid 40s and suddenly felt old, grey, ugly. We've talked openly and we're in a much better place. He understands how much it hurt me.

The one thing that bugs me though is that I caught him - I'd never looked at his phone before. I am obsessed with the thought of where would it have gone if I hadn't found out? I know I have to put that aside though if we're going to get through it.

certificateofauthenticity

"Also she cannot give you a time limit to get over it."

I sort of get this, but surely there comes a point at which the betrayed person needs to ultimately decide to let something go completely, or that they can't get over it and want to split?

just saying to the betrayer "i don't know how long it will take for me to get over this" means it could just be held over the betrayer's head indefinitely. this isn't a healthy dynamic, surely (for either party)?

Of course you love her op,and in an ideal world,this wouldn't be happening....but it is,and whatever way you look at it,Or however she tries justifying it,it's wrong,hurtful towards you,and will eat you up,if you just carry on,allowing it to.

DiscontinuedModelHusband , yes I agree. I simply mean that telling someone to drop it, or get over it makes it worse. It's like mourning a loss, different people take different lengths of time, but you can't say 'get over your mothers death' for example, that does not work. Yes, people need to move on. Another suggestion, which is not to everyone's taste is to Google and read ' Joseph's letter'. It helped my other half see things from my perspective. Just a thought.

My H genuinely expected it never to be brought up again after first few weeks and I hadn’t left.

My dh also said "are you going to be bringing this up for years?" when I started talking about it a few months down the line. I told him that I didn't think he had grasped how much he had hurt me.

Me too Alexa, it’s as if it’s now in the ‘ok, that’s out the way, she hasn’t left, done and dusted cupboard’

alexatellmeajoke

so it's obv you hadn't reached the point where you were comfortable to make that decision.

do you think you will be able to make that decision at some point? or are you likely to raise it again in another few months time? do you think this would be helpful for either of you?

i'm not suggesting you're wrong to raise it, as it's obviously still raw for you.

i just wonder sometimes if it's easier to keep putting off such a difficult decision, rather than bite the bullet one way or another?

yetmorecrap reading your post saddened me. He betrayed your trust and you have stayed with him. This weekend I had a similar situation, I fought internally for reasons to stay with him and tried hard to believe it was innocent but reading the end results of your H texting and the one sided crush has reinforced how right I was to end things. It hurts because you grieve the person you thought they were, the one you trusted and loved and then this stranger appears and you start doubting everything. If you ever need to chat off here, please PM me as I expect he is still putting you through it. Sorry for derailing Op, Just that post struck a chord with me.

DiscontinuedModelHusband We're 4 months on from discovery of text affair - flirting, early morning/late night texts. Nothing sexual - just too many texts and sharing too much info.

Dh brought subject up couple of days ago. This felt like a step forward as he's been reflecting on events rather than just letting me react iyswim. My main issue was that they had laid groundwork for possible physical affair - he always said no, would never have happened. The other day he said that he understood now how dangerous it was. He's very sorry and I finally think he understands why I was so upset.

So to answer your question, I think we're coming to the end of my need to talk about it! There is no way we are splitting up over it. As I said, I need to let go of the "what if" scenarios - he can't really help me with that. Unfortunately, I have the overthinking gene. I do it about anything and everything!

Sorry for derailing op.

Don’t apologise we are all trying to help each other. It’s really good getting other people’s perspectives and knowing I am not the only one who thinks it was wrong.

I am also an over thinker if I hadn’t found out, would it have gone farther and escalated. I suppose we have to build the trust back one day at a time.