An open letter to my hospital

[LetDownandFrustrated]

I'm sorry I wasn't very gracious when you cancelled my operation this week.

It's very kind that you have offered to send me another date but I can't just come another day.

I had been planning for this for six months, when I first asked my GP if I could possibly get sterilised on the NHS.

My other options are no longer suitable, my partner is unwilling to have a vasectomy (even though that would be a minor procedure under local anaesthetic) or use condoms and he helps himself to my body when I'm asleep.

I'm trying to split up but he won't leave. I'm working on that.

I had arranged for someone to be around overnight and childcare for my kids. One of my children has ASD and I had prepped them that I wouldn't be around in the evening and I'd be at the hospital but I'm fine and no need to worry.

I'd arranged a week off work with unpaid leave and annual leave because I don't get sick pay.

I'd psyched myself up for a general anaesthetic and had been washing with the special shower gel all week and fasted all day, with a headache from caffeine withdrawal and the sides of my mouth are dry and cracking.

So when you cancelled me at half past five in the evening I was very upset. This was my only chance. I can't do all that again.

I absolutely cannot risk another pregnancy /another child.

(for clarity, I didn't have a go at anyone, I work in healthcare and I know it's a fact of life that things get cancelled sometimes. But I'd been assured that as a day case who wasn't dependent on the availability of a hospital bed post op, it was extremely unlikely to get cancelled.)

How frustrating for you.

But of course the Biggie here is that this isn't about your sterilisation being postponed, it's about you getting raped.

That's where you should be directing your anger. But I'm sure you already know that.

I'm so sorry your procedure has to be rearranged, but I simply cannot read and not comment on 'your partner helping himself to your body'
You're being raped, and you need support to help you be able to exit what is clearly not a situation you want to be in, is there anyone in real life who you could chat to, people want to help, I hope you are able to move on x

You're being raped. I think that's more the focus of your post.

Oh OP, that's awful. Have you phoned women's aid? They're very helpful.

Please take things into your own hands now and book an appt with your GP and go on the pill.

I know it's not the main problem in my life, that's my 'partner'. He's big into porn. Doesn't contribute at home. Not alcoholic but drinks a lot.

I feel quite trapped
It's one of those situations where the blindingly obvious option is to LTB. But it's very difficult to do when you don't have much in the way of options.

I am working on an exit strategy. I have some RL support. It's just really hard at the moment and I needed to get it off my chest.

I’m glad you’re getting out OP. I think it’s important to do it sooner rather than later. This guy sounds vile.

In the meantime, could you get a coil or implant as a temporary measure?

You don't state your age (nor do I expect you to!) but might you regret irreversible sterilisation down the track once you've managed to LTB and then you possibly find someone more worthy of you? With whom you might want a DC?

Tansie I'm quite old and definitely would not ever have more children with anyone ever not even if had a a million pounds and day and night nannies. Not even if I need a saviour sibling for one of my existing children. Nope.

OP are you prepared to have the police involved?

Did the hospital know about the urgency of your operation? I'm thinking they could prioritise you if you tell them but I don't know what their duty of care is if you share the information.

I can't really WiG. I'm not sure I can admit it to someone face to face.

For now I just need to prioritise getting him out I think. He threatened to leave years ago and now I really hope he will again. I asked him to go last year but he won't.

Really sorry to read about your circumstances. Not long retired (nurse/surgical settings) - in my experience, operations can get cancelled, or postponed, for 100 and 1 reasons - something not done lightly. Day cases often do need beds overnight.
I hope you get a solution to your personal difficulties in the very near future

I absolutely understand your frustration - unfortunately this is the position the NHS is in at the moment (postponing non-urgent surgery - although I appreciate it is urgent for you).

Is there any way you could go private? Or go on the pill until the op is rescheduled?

Completely echo what everyone else has said about your comment re. your partner raping you. I hope you manage to extrapolate yourself and DC from the relationship soon. Even if you can’t do this immediately do call Women’s Aid as they can provide invaluable support.

I'm sorry for your situation but would you rather they cancel a heart by-pass or cancer surgery? The NHS rightly postpone non urgent surgery and you should have known there is always a possibility your operation could be cancelled.

Your relationship is not the problem of the NHS. You need to access appropriate services regarding your relationship, and find alternative contraception in the mean time.

I know, Otters. I'm lucky I wasn't waiting for a medically essential op, I'm well, and I would rightly not prioritise me on the list too.

It's just so frustrating, it was my chance to have a little control over my circumstances/body to prevent things getting more complicated, if that makes sense.

X-posted Gin.

I did know that.

It's still a massive ball ache.

Lifebeginsatgin that's a pretty shitty response. The OP knows what's occurring and needed a safe space to vent. We all have our problems, some have more to deal with than others. None are more or less deserving of help.

Tbf to Gin, that didn’t sound like their main gist - it’s that OP needs to access / rely on appropriate services to deal with the real problem, and the NHS isn’t the appropriate service. OP, I know it must be hard and can’t imagine what it’s like, but I do hope you can do this soon.

Thank you
This is another account but I've been here 12 years and knew you lot would talk sense

I've booked a solicitor appointment.
As you would probably guess this is just the last straw.

That sucks but really the fact you are being raped is more pertinent than your operation getting cancelled.

For the love of god please access help, please go to the Police.

Please go to the Police. Sorry for impertinent question, I didn't see the answer in the thread, why aren't you on the pill?

For fuck sake

This is just horrendous you must be so so so upset

I don't feel that the NHS actually properly look at patients needs when cancelling ops.

You poor thing

I really hope you feel able to get out asap. Can you go and get something like depo in the meantime? I know it’s far from ideal, but undetectable from someone else’s point of view and I’d be wary of other things that might be more obvious in case it puts you in danger.

That’s awful and devastating- how you live must be such hard work.

What leapt out at me is that you now have an enforced week off (is that right)? And I wonder if you could use your time to seek further help like seeing a solicitor or maybe even the police? You could print out posts from here and let them read it as a starting point of saying the words seems too big?
Maybe the universe is directing you to this point rather than you undergoing a major surgery and changing your body for the sole purpose of being able to continue being raped with no pregnancy.
That’s truly awful you feel this is the best choice for you.
You sound like an articulate intelligent woman and I know you have the strength in you to fight this and leave that man. Or make him leave via legal means. You’ve got a child with ASD and I know how tough you need to be to live with that. You’ve got this.