An open letter to my hospital

[LetDownandFrustrated]

I'm sorry I wasn't very gracious when you cancelled my operation this week.

It's very kind that you have offered to send me another date but I can't just come another day.

I had been planning for this for six months, when I first asked my GP if I could possibly get sterilised on the NHS.

My other options are no longer suitable, my partner is unwilling to have a vasectomy (even though that would be a minor procedure under local anaesthetic) or use condoms and he helps himself to my body when I'm asleep.

I'm trying to split up but he won't leave. I'm working on that.

I had arranged for someone to be around overnight and childcare for my kids. One of my children has ASD and I had prepped them that I wouldn't be around in the evening and I'd be at the hospital but I'm fine and no need to worry.

I'd arranged a week off work with unpaid leave and annual leave because I don't get sick pay.

I'd psyched myself up for a general anaesthetic and had been washing with the special shower gel all week and fasted all day, with a headache from caffeine withdrawal and the sides of my mouth are dry and cracking.

So when you cancelled me at half past five in the evening I was very upset. This was my only chance. I can't do all that again.

I absolutely cannot risk another pregnancy /another child.

(for clarity, I didn't have a go at anyone, I work in healthcare and I know it's a fact of life that things get cancelled sometimes. But I'd been assured that as a day case who wasn't dependent on the availability of a hospital bed post op, it was extremely unlikely to get cancelled.)

I'm pleased for you that he is out but sounds like it was unpleasant. Stay strong you can do this. No matter how hard a day is you will wake up everyday glad he is not next to you x

Wishing you all the best; of course it feels scary and yes there will be problems to overcome but you are out the other side in a new world you can make your own. So glad you have a supportive boss.

OP here

We are still separated. This week I finally mentioned the waking me up /helping himself in the night to him
And he said
Yeah I know that was weird, I didn't like that either, why didn't you say anything or stop me?

WTAF
the gaslighting remains exceptional
One DAY after I said he must stop messaging me about getting back together, he sent four more messages. He's reframing as his behaviours as symptoms of mental health. He's drinking himself stupid. He's persistently paranoid.

I am so happy we're apart I can't tell you.

Hang in there. Do you have to talk to him?

It's so good you aren't falling for his rubbish.

Yes I do still have to talk to him because of the children unfortunately.
I'm ignoring as many messages as possible. He still wants to reconcile. We definitely won't be doing that.

The p0rn is also my fault apparently, because I noticed he was using it and didn't ask him about it

I've told him directly that I will never sleep with him ever again.
That I don't want to be with him, I don't feel married any more.

He is complaining about all sorts of random nonsense like photos on Facebook (generic ordinary ones) and the fact that he spoke to a mutual acquaintance recently who knew we'd separated so that means I've been gossiping about him all over

He's still expecting me to pick up his life admin and is shocked when I won't.

Massive denial and sense of persecution on his part. But it's definitely not his fault, any of it and actually he's really in need of support right now so how can I leave him when he's struggling so much

He's finding it hard, that's true. But he'll get used to it.

Just a minute...let me just...aaaaah...here it is -> * The world's tiniest violin for your ex!

You, on the other hand, OP are doing brilliantly! and

Sounds like he's an sexually and emotionally abusive prick possibly with narcissistic tendencies. So pleased that you've got him out of your home, hope you and your DC's are finding your way throughout all ok. Xx

You sound like you've found massive strength. I'm SO pleased for you. Xxx

We are still seperated

He is STILL harassing me several times a week but knows I'm not changing my mind.

I am so much happier, I wish I'd done it years ago. Kids are happy. House is less strained. I've been on a few dates.

I've just reread this and it really brought back how upset and miserable I was when I wrote it. I'm not miserable now, I'm free. It's still difficult, but it's much much better.

Aww brilliant update. Well done! My ex was similar and it took a good year and a half for him to behave somewhat better. But I got good at ignoring, grey rock the shit and give him the miniscule of information required to liaise re DS only. Thanks for updating

Have you done the Freedom Programme, OP? I'm a bit concerned that you are dating new men.

Well done, OP.

@HollowTalk no I haven't but I honestly don't feel I need it, he was sexually abusive in the last few months of the relationship (when I was already planning to get out, but doing the getting your ducks in a row bit) but apart from that it was absolutely not a coercive/abusive relationship, I was trapped only by my circumstances and not by him iykwim.

I'm lightly dating one person who is neither a project nor a fixer, if that makes sense. It's a healthy situation is what I mean.

Brilliant op. Fantastic update.

Fantastic update OP!

Well done for sticking to your plans and getting rid of that animal!

All the best to you and your DC's for the new year ahead

That's lovely! I missed your earlier updates, and I'm so glad you are feeling better.

Good for you, OP! Very well done and I hope that this year brings you every happiness.

Thank you for the update OP. I'm delighted to hear how well things are going for you. Well done.