What the fuck do I do now?

[LiarLiarImOnFire]

This might be kind of long, sorry. I have a very close friend who I work withsenior to me at work. We have been friends on and off for...nearly 20 years. We had a 7 year period where we lost touch, but ran into each other at a conference and rekindled our friendshiplosing touch was largely due to MH issues on both sides, and a pressure cooker working situation.

We have been very close again now for about 6 or 7 yearsin and out of each other's houses, lunch together every day at work, friends-who-are-like-family, trusted him with my kids that sort of thing. He is now doing something of which I suspect he is ashamed (in a personal context), and I have just caught him in a massive lie about it. Now, I don't give a fuck about the thing he is doingthat's his lookout, but due to past experiences lying is the one thing we have always said we wouldn't do to each other.

I don't know what the fuck to do. He is senior to me at work, and falling out with him make my life very difficult. On the other hand, I can't trust him at all...and it appals me to think of some of the confidences I've shared while he was lying through his teeth. Finally, and this may be part of the grieving process, he has been there through so much: touched my belly to feel my babies move, supported me through a career change, that sort of thing. I am not sure I am ready to just walk away from all that. What the actual fuck do I do??

PS have namechanged for this as he knows I use mumsnet....

I think having an agreement that you would never lie to each other was a daft thing to do in the first place, tbh. Everyone is entitled to privacy.

I don't think you should dump him as a friend. He is doing something he's ashamed of (I'm guessing an affair) and he may well need a friend, good advice and a hug. I also think it's unrealistic to think that you would tell a friend absolutely everything, and that any friendship would be dependent on sharing everything.

Is he lying to possibly protect someone else?

It's difficult not knowing what he's done and/or the lie. Is either forgivable?

But I think you should tell him how disappointed you are that he lied to you, and see how he responds.

I agree that friends don't usually tell each other everything. I certainly don't tell any one everything about my life.

Tell him that you know, he might be grateful to have someone to talk to and you may be able to help him see a way out of his situation if it genuinely is something he is ashamed of.

Would you feel differently if it was a woman friend? Just asking. There’s something a bit fervent about the tone of your post that made me wonder if he was having an affair and your nose is out of joint. (I’ve been there so I might be projecting 😬)

Try to think how you’d handle exactly the same thing if it was a close female friend.

This all sounds very intense, and surely very unusual in adult friendships to promise never to lie to each other, let alone the rest? Without knowing the lie it's hard but perhaps part of your sadness here is also that this has made you reassess what your real relationship is?

Either way, sounds like a big step back might help you sort out your feelings right now.

This sounds like a very odd and overly intense friendship.

OK, so to clarify, I wouldn't have minded (or ever known, even) had he said nothing--I don't need to know all the details of his life! He went out of his way to lie to me though.

Yes, the situation is something like an affair, and the lie affected our work in that he made promises about what would get done that he couldn't keep (because he was...er...busy). This happened at a massively busy time. If he'd just been honest about what he was able to commit to that (again) would have been fine.

I know the no lying thing is unusual, but he really screwed me over by not telling me the complete truth about something work related in the dark and distant past, and I lied about something that fucked up our friendship, which is why we made the commitment in the first place. It's always been fine to not answer, or not say something, but lying is....not so acceptable.

I would feel the same way if he were female, but I'm bisexual, so that perhaps doesn't mean much.

Sorry to have made assumptions. I suppose my point is, examine what it is about this that has taken it from ‘serious bump in the friendship road’ to something that seems (from your description) to be overwhelming for you.

If a female friend (i’m straight) did something similar to me i’d be pissed off. If I thought she’d deliberately hung me out to dry at work it might well be end of friendship but i’d grit my teeth and carry on politely at work because that’s what you do at work. I’d be sad about the end of the friendship but it wouldn’t feel overwhelming or like I didn’t know what to do. So it feels like there’s something else going on here for you, whether that’s a romantic attachment or something else. If you can put your finger on what it is you might feel more in control.

OP - you sound a little black/white, and, tbh a little jealous.

Your previous ‘lies’ were about work, and didn’t have any other people involved.

This situation - where he also has a loyalty to the person he is involved with intimately - that for most people would take priority over their work/friendship agreements.
And I think it’s this specifically that you have a problem with.

He chose to keep his secret about that other person - and didn’t include you on that. And that - as it sounds in the way you talk about - they seems to threaten that special relationship you have with him.

As to what you do - you keep living your life and not set up such high bars for friendship.
And - if it’s more than friendship you are actually hoping for - you start by admitting it to yourself.

What if it was more than friendship that was actually going on (agreed upon by both sides, not just as a fantasy in my head)?

Then - OP - rather than rage and describe it in convoluted terms - just say what you wanted to say and ask....

If it’s a friendship - his loyalty to his intimate partner is above you....

If you are FWBs - then his loyalty to another intimate partner that he is emotionally involved with - is above you

If you are dating - then he is cheating

But you are clearly emotionally involved abd have expectations of some sort of fidelity/openness, etc....

It’s hard to really say anything not knowing much.

It's a poly situation, which I know are generally frowned upon on MN, which is why I didn't mention it in the first place. That's part of what burns...other than the ethical situation with this other woman (which is fucked up) no reason for him not to just be honest.

Poly relationships aren’t free of same issues that one/one relationships have.
And - even if you have rules/boundaries discussed and agreed - people sometimes sneak around and break them.
It’s an impulse people have - we like to break the rules.

So - I don’t know how your specific arrangement works. So hard to comment on specifics.
But - i’d start by talking to him to understand what is going on.
And if your rules of engagement need to change?
Is he unhappy with something?

Was disclosure of others part of your normal before? If so - i’d Ask what changed.

You seem bitter and quite jealous and angry. Has it been easy to be in a poly - relationship for you? Or - are you, maybe, subconsciously wanting it to change?

I'm fine in a poly relationship. I'm pissed off because he has put me at risk professionally because of this--it is a micro field and I'm dumb to be in a relationship with him. I have been fine with others in the past, but the sneaking around shits me. I actually kind of wonder if he is trying to force a breakup, which....yeah. I know the situation is complicated, but with honesty and tolerance it could be worked around.

I'm fine in a poly relationship. I'm pissed off because he has put me at risk professionally because of this--it is a micro field and I'm dumb to be in a relationship with him. I have been fine with others in the past, but the sneaking around shits me. I actually kind of wonder if he is trying to force a breakup, which....yeah. I know the situation is complicated, but with honesty and tolerance it could be worked around.

oops, forgive my duplicate post!!

How many of you are there in the poly relationship?

OP - is there a reason you can’t talk to him about it?
Not shout and rage - but actually just talk?

Good and functioning relationship (poly or not) is based on open and honest communication.

So - instead of wondering and making scenarios in your head - ask?

I imagine the dynamics of poly relationships are pretty complex unless, as you say, everyone has a clear understanding of what the rules are. So you thought both of you were really clear that you would disclose new attachments to other people, and he’s busted that rule?

I suppose the classic MN advice in that situation is: you made your boundaries super clear and he’s broached them (and made things bad for you at work as a result). Would you consider ending the relationship with him as a result? It sounds as though you don’t want to. Which is a fairly classic instance of risking your own boundaries and self-esteem because (frankly) you love someone and don’t want to let go. Which is always a really painful place (again: i’ve been there!)

If that’s a reasonable interpretation of where you are, there isn’t a way I know of of making the short term situation less painful for you, sadly. But in an ideal world you’d hold it together and be courteous and friendly at work, because in two/ten/twenty years (esp in a micro field) you’ll still be working with these people and you don’t want to be characterised as the one who ‘had an affair with Gary in sales and went all funny’.

In terms of your personal life, the decision about how elastic your boundaries should be is yours. You probably already know what you should do, i’m guessing.

So you started out telling us - in a lot of detail - about a senior colleague at work who'd lied to you. But what you're really describing here is a lover/fwb/partner who has cheated on you (even if it's open, the expectation sounds like honesty, so presumably sneaking makes it cheating).
You're entitled to be angry, he's put you in a difficult position professionally, potentially health wise and and lied to you.
But you've also got to look at your actions and be honest with yourself. It was never going to be a good idea to have daily lunch and sleep with a senior colleague, poly or no. And you seem to care for him a lot more than you say - as your massive drip feed here shows! He's shown his lack of respect, now it's up to you how you respond. At minimum, either stop sleeping with him or find a new job - there's a reason they say don't s%$# where you eat...

Thanks for that Namechange128. We were sleeping together before he became a senior colleague at work...so perhaps he should leave? I am not currently in a position to do so (and to explain more would be outing).

Thank you to the two of you who have not berated me for being so stupid--I know I bloody have. I can't leave work and I am worried about my career if this goes irrevocably bad. I love him. I'm grieving. He doesn't know that I know that he lied. It's a fucking mess.

Ok. So you’re married? But you’re dleeping with him in an arrangement.

Your husband knows?

I DONT GET THE SNEAKING