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Original poster

What the fuck do I do now?

53 replies

LiarLiarImOnFire · 27/04/2018 16:58

This might be kind of long, sorry. I have a very close friend who I work withsenior to me at work. We have been friends on and off for...nearly 20 years. We had a 7 year period where we lost touch, but ran into each other at a conference and rekindled our friendshiplosing touch was largely due to MH issues on both sides, and a pressure cooker working situation.

We have been very close again now for about 6 or 7 yearsin and out of each other's houses, lunch together every day at work, friends-who-are-like-family, trusted him with my kids that sort of thing. He is now doing something of which I suspect he is ashamed (in a personal context), and I have just caught him in a massive lie about it. Now, I don't give a fuck about the thing he is doingthat's his lookout, but due to past experiences lying is the one thing we have always said we wouldn't do to each other.

I don't know what the fuck to do. He is senior to me at work, and falling out with him make my life very difficult. On the other hand, I can't trust him at all...and it appals me to think of some of the confidences I've shared while he was lying through his teeth. Finally, and this may be part of the grieving process, he has been there through so much: touched my belly to feel my babies move, supported me through a career change, that sort of thing. I am not sure I am ready to just walk away from all that. What the actual fuck do I do??

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 28/04/2018 15:24

OP - he lied. It happends.
It doesn’t have to mean the end of your relationship.
But you need to communicate and understand what happened.

There is a book by a Belgian psychologist - Esthel Perel.
It talks about affairs, etc. And why and what drives people. And how people have dealt with that.

It is possible to get over and move on. Requires soul searching on both sides and open communication.

Talk to him. You can’t keep it all inside. It won’t work.

NeedForBlossom · 28/04/2018 17:10

Agree with pp, it was such an odd way to start the thread talking about your boss / friend when it is a world away from that situation.

My advice is to be honest and tell him what you know. You've said the one thing you both wouldn't do is lie - he has, so you be the bigger person.

TresDesolee · 28/04/2018 17:13

the Esther Perel podcasts are fantastic.

Good luck OP. You sound as though you’re in a really painful place. Look after yourself Flowers

Original poster
LiarLiarImOnFire · 28/04/2018 21:26

Thanks so much for your kindness, those who have been kind. I have felt so alone in this. I think I am scared that I...don't matter to him anymore, and that is why I am afraid to broach it. I have seen people on MN get ripped apart for being in poly relationships, which is why I didn't want to mention it in the beginning, but you have all given me pause to think twice about that in the future.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 28/04/2018 22:35

OP - can I ask you - is your poly- relationship only poly on one side, his?
It sounds like it might be. And it is possibly, relevant here.

For what it’s worth - just because he didn’t stick to whatever your pre-agreed ways of informing each other about ‘others’ - doesn’t mean you don’t matter to him.

Plenty of people who cheat - do love their partners. And cheating happens either because of opportunity, or curiosity, or some internal issue they are having - say - facing mortality.

As scary as it may be - you can’t avoid talking to him. The way you are feeling will only get worse.
You need to tell him and hear his side.

Cricrichan · 28/04/2018 23:48

So what's your situation then?

Original poster
LiarLiarImOnFire · 30/04/2018 00:44

I'm married to someone else who is monogamous but okay with me being poly (and who would be welcome to pursue something else if it came along). We have two kids. The relationship with this guy is longstanding--weirdly longer, on and off, than I have known my DH.

OP posts:
PrimalLady · 30/04/2018 10:22

It's none of your business who he's shagging. To be blunt.

I have someone who acts like you with regards to the man I'm seeing. The whole town is laughing at her and a small portion want to give her a slap.

PrimalLady · 30/04/2018 10:24

Oh the poly situation makes more sense.

The woman interfering in my life is sister in law to the fella I'm seeing. So slightly different.

MMmomDD · 01/05/2018 16:54

So - OP - Is there a reason to can’t ask him directly?

Original poster
LiarLiarImOnFire · 02/05/2018 00:38

Because I fear him lying further. Because I fear losing him. Because he could near on force me to make a career change.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 02/05/2018 09:53

OP - this all sounds like a very disfunctional type of relationship if you can’t talk about your feelings with someone you’ve known for years....
Poly or mono- relationship has nothing to do with it.

By ‘talking’ - I don’t mean you putting him up against the wall she quizzing him about the other woman.
I mean talking, like normal adults. About your relationship. And if things are OK. And if he is happy.
And about you feeling unhappy that something doesn’t seem right.
And that your deadline was affected.

I don’t know why - but your posts make you sound like you feel you are helpless and and at his mercy.

You are not. He can’t make you switch jobs. It’s harassment.

Original poster
LiarLiarImOnFire · 03/05/2018 00:39

He quite seriously could block every avenue for advancement. Yes, harassment but sadly also sop. Being out poly in the field would also royally fuck me over, due to gender imbalance. So yeah, dysfunctional, but....I feel really fucking trapped

OP posts:
RainySeptember · 03/05/2018 05:30

Do you really think he would ruin your career if you called time on your arrangement? Because that is actually quite serious stuff.

I think you have to either acknowledge and accept that there is now another person in the mix, and that your friend is capable of lying to you, or end things. As painful as that might be for you, especially having to see him every day, it might be the best course of action.

But, knowing it was always a possibility, I am sure you've already thought about how that might unfold. There is no reason why it couldn't be done amicably and respectfully, maintaining a professional relationship. He may have similar fears to you, it is surely mutually beneficial to separate without impacting either of your careers.

Original poster
LiarLiarImOnFire · 03/05/2018 05:39

I don't actually mind that there is someone else, it's the lying that is doing a number on me. We have talked about how this would play out if we split, but never really seriously...it is definitely time to have that conversation. I don't know if he would fuck me over as much as he could, because I don't know who he is anymore. THAT is a massive part of what scares me.

OP posts:
keyboardjellyfish · 03/05/2018 05:48

I'm sorry OP. This sounds like a clusterfuck. I'm also poly (although I'm only with one person right now because of energy and time!). I see the perspective that you don't mind him being with someone else but in any relationship lying and miscommunication is not on- this rings true for poly relationships too. Quite honestly OP, if he's with someone else and not telling you, it's cheating. Polyamory is about open communication and letting partners know that other partners exist, for sexual safety if anything quite frankly. You have every right to confront him on this.

FrabjousDay · 03/05/2018 05:51

You're fucking your boss.
He's not bothered about your feelings or your career.

It's not surprising that you feel fucked over.

Maybe reign in your boundaries, concentrate on your relationship with your husband and look to him for the support and love you need in life.

The poly thing is all well and good until it isn't.

Original poster
LiarLiarImOnFire · 04/05/2018 02:36

Again, thanks for that FrabjousDay. Being poly isn't LIKE thatmy husband gives me what I need from him. This other relationship, which is not, BTW with my bossthere is a different power structure here--gives me something different.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 06/05/2018 16:26

OP - normally poly - more so than other relationships are normally based on clearer communication and boundary setting.
You seem to not want to engage in any conversation about that.

It’s OK to just went. But you do know - nothing would change and you’ll only get progressively more unhappy

Original poster
LiarLiarImOnFire · 07/05/2018 01:47

A time has been set to talk. Ironically, it has now been a month of him punishing me for reacting to being gaslit and lied to like I was being gaslit and lied to, and I don't know if I can be bothered. This is someone who was family for ten years, and a lover for nearly as long and I think the feeling has died. Now to untangle everything

OP posts:
Original poster
LiarLiarImOnFire · 12/05/2018 11:23

Well the truth is out and he is a lying fucker. To her, to me...usual bullshit story of infidelity eh? The grief has played out, though, and now I am cold.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 12/05/2018 11:46

OP - I am sorry. You sound hurt.
And all of this sounds very complicated. More so than a simple story of someone cheating.

FASH84 · 12/05/2018 12:55

Do you think he lied because he told the other woman he was monogamous? Some people use poly as a label to be unfaithful, I've only known a couple of people who are poly but all of their relationships involved feelings and mutual respect, it wasn't about having someone on the side so to speak. Maybe this guy doesn't get that or doesn't want to. Some people get a kick out of infidelity. I'm sorry you're hurting and I hope he's decent enough not to try and affect your career.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 12/05/2018 13:02

OP if you’re poly surely you dont mind if he is shagging somebody else? You cant have your cake and eat it.
Your whole life all sounds depressingly complicated. Can’t you just make do with hubby and kids?

SandyY2K · 12/05/2018 16:31

This is sounds more like an open marriage for you OP....and not really Poly.

If his wife/OH knows about you....then I'd say the three of you were in a Poly relationship... but you and your H have an open marriage...except he remains monogamous.