I'm having an affair

[Rgy3250999]

Well I don't quite know where to start.

I've been with my DH for well over a decade, since we were teens and we have a young family together. We used to fight and fall out a lot when we first started dating, probably because we weren't overly compatible and he didn't show me a lot of affection. I have issues in the past which I accept have probably made me quite needy, although he really wasn't affectionate a lot. We both had family issues and I suppose that pushed us together even more as our relationship was like a form of escapism.

Fast forewarn a number of years and we had a family together. The arguments calmed down but we still weren't affectionate and sex was very rare and not great (little effort from him mostly).

I have had depression (undiagnosed so presumed) and haven't been the easiest person to live with at times. I've struggled to hold down a job due to social anxiety and his lack of affection meant that I used to question him a lot after nights out and ask about work colleagues etc. I know this was wrong and I understand this has probably pushed him away. He used to look at porn but then stopped because I felt quite jealous so now when I talk about his low libido, he's quick to remind me that he was more normal until I interfered.

Anyway, we have tried to make it work and plodded on. Deep down we do get on but there is a lot of resentment on both sides and when we have tried to make an effort, it feels forced and fake. It never lasts and we go back to our usual routine of being like friends with little interest in each other and not much affection or physical contact. We don't argue much now as I think we're both past that stage and we do get on ok, but it's not fulfilling.

So, I was feeling lonely and stupidly set up a profile on an online dating site with a fake picture. Not to get dates or anything, but to have conversation with other men and remember what it felt like to be young and have that excitement. I intended to stop and delete the profile but it became addictive and I probably withdrew further from my marriage.

After a few weeks, I exchanged numbers with one man and we talked a few times (he still didn't know what I looked lIke) and it led to phone sex late one evening whilst my DH was in bed. However, he wondered where I was and came looking for me very quietly and caught me. I felt terrible and he shouted and got upset. I explained what I had done and why and told him that these men hadn't got a picture of me and I hadn't met anyone. He eventually agreed to forgive me and we both said we'd try to get the spark back. I cut off contact with that other man and deleted my profile.

Then a few months later, my husband was poorly and I was trying to look after him and the kids. He spent over a week in bed sleeping and I was lonely. The sex and affection that had been promised hadn't been overly forthcoming even before he was poorly and I was now so tempted to create a new profile that one evening I signed up to the site again. I chatted to various men briefly and eventually one man came along that seemed really nice. He wasn't amazingly good looking but we clicked and he made me laugh. We exchanged numbers and talked a few times on the phone, plus sent hundreds of messages and I felt addicted to the attention and having so much fun. I knew I should stop but I couldn't.

After a few weeks of talking, he suggested we meet and that's when I thought it would end. I was just going to ignore him or block him as i knew it was over anyway but because he had been so lovely and I'd basically tricked him, I opened up about my home life and told him the truth. To my amazement, he didn't block me. He said he was sad as he had felt such a connection and hadn't gelled with anyone that well, even when we talked on the phone. I agreed as it was effortless and so natural. I was that taken aback by him not blocking me that I agreed to meet him. I didn't think I was capable of it really as I'm very shy normally and have social anxiety issues. I also knew it would be wrong and the voice in my head said it'd be ok because I would stop myself. I've always told DH that I'd never meet anyone else and believed that to be true as it had only ever been talking and I did/do love DH and my family.

That day I was so nervous but I met him. It was like I had forgotten everyone else (selfishly) and pretended to be an actress or someone else so I wasn't doing anything wrong. We had a long walk together in the sunshine and although I was nervous, we laughed a lot and it was really nice. We had a few kisses and cuddles and although it felt a bit awkward as deep down I knew it was wrong, I didn't want to stop. Still I told myself that this would be it and I'd end it. I had proved to myself that I could still date and be found attractive and I thought that was all I wanted.

He messaged a lot after that meeting though and I couldn't stop the contact. My DH didn't suspect anything and although he's a nice man really and a good father, home was boring and the messaging was exciting and actually felt far more loving than what I had at home.

Fast forward another week and this online man asked me for another date. This time to the cinema. Again, I didn't think I'd turn up but I did and thinks felt amazing. It was like we were a proper couple. We were further away from my home so I could relax and not worry about being caught. We held hands and cuddled a lot and then it turned really quite passionate with the kissing. I could feel he was erect whilst we kissed and I knew he wanted me. He said he hadn't felt anything that electric and passionate before and that he thought he was falling for me. Part of me felt terrible but then another part knew he meant it and I felt truly loved. He really looked after me and kept looking at me when he thought I wasn't looking and stroked/kissed my hands so gently.

After the film, he asked if I'd like to see his new home as he had just moved a few days before and said I could visit him (or not, no pressure) at any time and he would love to see me. I agreed to go to his place and followed him back in the car.

I knew we would kiss and I was actually a bit scared of how I felt and what I'd allow myself to do but still I didn't turn around. We got inside and kissed a lot. We laid on his bed cuddling and he made me feel amazing. The kissing was so passionate and we were both massively turned on. Although I didn't allow him to touch my naked body, he groped me a lot and I ended up giving him a hand job. Afterwards, it still felt amazing. We laughed, we talked, we cuddled. He got another erection and it felt good that someone wanted me so much.

So that was yesterday and now I'm wondering, what next. If we meet again next week, I'm sure he will touch me at the very least and I'm fairly sure we will end up having sex. This is already an affair but having sex would really seem like a proper affair to me, especially as me and DH were both virgins when we met and haven't been with anyone else. My head is a mess and I don't know what to do. I can't believe what I've already done and either my DH or this other man is going to get hurt which I didn't want.

Soup - if it was 'quite straightforward' to end a marriage there would not be divorce lawyers who earn hundreds of thousands of pounds, not to mention an industry devoted to marriage counselling and guidance.

Of course it is. Instead of shagging someone you say “our marriage isn’t working, I want to separate.”

The divorce lawyers are a red herring. They come after you call time on the marriage.

As far as I am concerned, you do not screw randoms when in a relationship with someone else. Obviously unless you are in an open relationship which allows for such things. You don’t cheat, end of.

@butterballs9 I think I did ignore a few vital points to this situation. I always taught that people who speak about their problems, especially mental health issues, are only asking for attention. I know that's not true Of course.

Nobody "makes somebody cheat" - what codswallop!

Of course it takes 2 people to have a happy or unhappy relationship, but cheating is a decision taken by a cheater.
A non-cheater will either seek to improve the relationship they are in or walk, end the existing relationship before embarking on another.

But we all tell ourselves what we need to hear.

Oh soup, what a lovely simplistic world you live in! Yes, it's so easy to get divorced. You just tell your partner: 'I'm calling time' and they say 'of course darling - let's have an amicable divorce'. And then you both live happily ever after. But the thing is, people DO cheat, don't they? It happens all the time whether you like it or not. Nobody makes someone cheat PerfectlyDone, I couldn't agree more. However I wonder if you are inhabiting the world of soup? The Disney Land world where everyone follows all the 'rules'? This is an interesting statement: "A non-cheater will either seek to improve the relationship they are in or walk, end the existing relationship before embarking on another." Really? But the OP's husband has done neither has he? I love the way the world as inhabited by Disney lovers is divided into 'cheaters' and 'non-cheaters'! And I'm sorry but while this insistence of ending one relationship before embarking on another is very laudible, in real life it usually doesn't happen like. If only real life was like Disney Land, everyone would get married and live happily ever after! A girl can dream, after all.

So depressing that choosing integrity and honesty is seen as some sort of unrealistic utopian version of Disneyland by some.

It's not hard really. Do I want to devastate my partner, who I once loved very much, reveal myself to be an utter abject shit, complicate everyone's life, leave my children heartbroken? Not really, think I'll leave it then.

I am the least Disney-like person you are likely to ever meet!

And of course people cheat and are cheated on - that does not make it something we should just accept: "ah well, it happens".

But we all tell ourselves what we need to hear, so you crack on.

And now I am repeating myself...

When people start talking about the temptation of infidelity, the struggles of marriage, or escaping marital unhappiness etc etc - these are all just reasons. The are reasons why someone becomes a con artist (easy way to make money without grafting, needing to get out of debt, becomes a lifestyle it’s hard to escape, good at getting people to trust you) but that doesn’t make it ok!!
What matters as much as the breech of promise to be faithful - is the deceit, the gas lighting, the cunning - from the person you sleep next to at night, the person you trust most in the world. That is where the real pain of infidelity comes from. It’s why years of deceit and denial is indescribable agony for the betrayed partner. When it’s deliberate and prolonged and premeditated- stealing someone’s life.

OMG,, Dadaist, I am tempted to C+P your post to my STBXH (I won't, don't worry), that is exactly it.

Reasons for a behaviour do not an excuse make.

Feel free PerfectlyDone - I’d have given it a bit more thought for reposting but I think the gist of it needs saying in these threads. Whether it’s unreaslistic to expect to have a mutually loving sexual relationship with resale person for decades is a completely different question to whether it’s ok to steal from them or deceive them or betray them.

*another person

It's people like you OP, that have left me with PTSD.

Sort your fucking self out! "I was lonely" "I was depressed" OMG just stop. Take responsibility!

I totally believe in honesty and integrity. But I also accept that we do not live in an ideal world. There is always the possibility that one's partner might meet someone else who they find attractive. They may or may not do anything about it. But it is a possibility and for many it is a reality.

The Disneyland version is that people get married and then live happily ever after.

"It's not hard really. Do I want to devastate my partner, who I once loved very much, reveal myself to be an utter abject shit, complicate everyone's life, leave my children heartbroken? Not really, think I'll leave it then."

You don't have to cheat to devastate your partner. There are plenty of other ways to do it. For instance, I have devastated my soon to be ex but I never cheated. I told him I wanted to get out of the marriage. I think he would have preferred it if I had had an affair because then at least he could hope it would burn out and I would return. As it is, I still want out but he is now the one with the girlfriend.

The end of a relationship or marriage can be devastating, with or without 'cheating'. But, imo, cheating is not the worst thing that can happen in a marriage. Take one of my best friends who was married and has three children. They went through the divorce from hell. He never cheated, ever (he was too fussy about picking up germs, lol) but he was a swine in every other way. Made her life total hell but felt he could justify it because (he claims) he never cheated.

(Having said that he hung out with a crowd some of whom used prostitutes so I wouldn't trust a word he said.) Yes, cheating is horrible but there are plenty of other ways a person can make your life horrible. My soon to be ex put me though hell simply because I wanted a divorce. He felt that enabled him to bully me, gaslight me, get the children on his side, get his family on his side, get my family on his side, withdraw money, make himself hugely in debt etc, etc. It is NOT necessarily easy to get divorced. Damn sight too easy to get married, though!

No - OP never cheated (prior to my wanting a divorce) but he could not have behaved in a more reprehensible fashion. And it was all because I wanted a divorce.

Life is NOT black and white. I WISH he had cheated because then I would have been able to get divorced on those grounds. But he was sure to take the moral high ground (in his eyes) and felt it perfectly justified to behave in the most horrible fashion. I suppose technically now he is cheating as we are still married and he has had a girlfriend on and off for two years.

Nothing is black and white in this world, unfortunately.

What interests me is that people outline their "anxiety" and "depression" as if it's some excuse and then act in a selfish manner and in such a way that's it's obvious their "anxiety" and "depression" have nothing to do with anything and the people concerned don't actually have "anxiety" or "depression"

There are loads of ways to devastate your partner, but since we're talking about infidelity on this thread that's what I'm going to have an opinion about : its shit, there's no excuse (unless you're in an abusive marriage) and trying to manufacture an excuse is ridiculous. Knowingly setting out to hurt someone is wrong, and that much is black and white imo.

Butterballs9 - er - you’ve just shot down a premise that no one but you has made. OF COURSE - there are worse things than infidelity - like domestic violence, rape, emotional abuse, - how does that contribute to discussion on the harm that infidelity causes? No seriously - how?
And how exactly does the fact that er say ...’genocide is worse than murder’ make domestic violence ‘not a black and white issue’. ..??

butterballs, I too don't fallow your logic.
Not every marriage ends because of cheating, and not all cheating ends to the end of marriage.
But there is a unique hurt in being the cheated on partner.
And just because some other set of circumstances can be worse or as bad, does not make cheating and the hurt and damage caused by it any less valid.

I had been sitting on my hands to not comment on the 'depression' and 'anxiety'.
Who knows whether the OP or anybody else quoting their MH issues as a mitigating factor for their cheating DOES actually have a clinical diagnosis of whatever. And even if they do, it may explain a behaviour, but does not excuse it.
Cheaters may also have depression/anxiety and non-cheaters may have depression/anxiety but there is funnily enough many depressed/anxious people manage not to cheat.
Because they are not cheaters.

OP, You did a terrible thing embarking on an affair but it took courage and heart to confess to your DH and seek to put things right.

Everyone has made mistakes. What matters is how you move on from them. It sounds as though your DH loves you very much and there may be something left to save in your marriage but you will have to take responsibility for your own unhappiness and mental health.

It is not his job to keep you happy and fulfilled.
It’s yours.

Butterballs9 - er - you’ve just shot down a premise that no one but you has made. OF COURSE - there are worse things than infidelity - like domestic violence, rape, emotional abuse, - how does that contribute to discussion on the harm that infidelity causes? No seriously - how?
And how exactly does the fact that er say ...’genocide is worse than murder’ make domestic violence ‘not a black and white issue’. ..??

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Since when was this a discussion on the harm that infidelity causes? I think you and others have decided that it was about this. I disagree. The OP is talking about how her need for affection is not met within her marriage. You and several others have decided to highjack the discussion and claim it is about something you want it to be about. Why not LISTEN to what the OP is saying?

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Perfectly done - you seem to be suggesting that 'non-cheaters' have some kind of 'moral high ground'. I disagree. Some of the most obnoxious, disagreeable people I know have probably not 'cheated' but they are still thoroughly horrible in other ways and wear their 'non cheating' mantle like some kind of hair-shirt while being obnoxious in other ways.

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Sleight - I think your motives are kind but I do not agree that the OP's partner 'loves her very much'. She has repeatedly told him what her very reasonable needs are and he has failed to address them. He cannot be affectionate towards her. That is at the lowest level of a basic human need. As is a physical relationship. He is failing to meet these needs. The 'cheating' over-reaction is a total red herring.

OP - you are between a rock and a hard place. You can stay in a marriage where there is no affection and get your needs met elsewhere. Or you can leave. It's not a great place to be because you have young children with your husband. But you are both young and you can both work towards finding a solution that you are both happy with. I would encourage you not to put up with a lack of affection from your husband - apart from anything it is a terrible role model for your children.

Butterballs, you focus heavily on OP's need for affection, but it all just sounds like an excuse for shitty behaviour.

Op says he's never been affectionate, since they got together ten years ago when they were teens. So that's him, that's his personality. He hasn't suddenly and cruelly withdrawn it, op chose him that way yet now uses it as a stick to beat him with.

Also consider how affectionate you'd feel towards a partner with undiagnosed anxiety and depression who was doing nothing to sort that out, who found work impossible but was similarly doing nothing to address it, who was - by her own admission - difficult and needy, who was given a second chance after being caught having phone sex but threw that away to jerk off a stranger.

If a woman posts on here that her dh has cheated and cited 'lack of affection' he is rightly vilified.

I personally think op sounds remorseful and wants to do the right thing. I think she should be able to post here to get some support with that. I guess some adherence to the cheaters script, in demonising her spouse, is to be expected but she - and you - can't really expect anyone to believe it's anything other than what it is : a weak justification for some truly outrageous and unforgivable behaviour.

Rainy - you seem to forget he was a porn user. When the OP told him it made her upset, he stopped using porn but told her that his sex drive had been normal before she interfered. In other words, it was her fault that he lost his sex drive because she didn't like him using porn.

That alone makes him the guilty party here. What a cheek! In other words, he thinks it's normal to be interested in porn but not your wife.

That says it all to me. "Truly outrageous and unforgivable behaviour" - yes, the OP's husband has indeed behaved appallingly and she has discovered that not all men are like this.

I would have great sympathy with a man who posted on her whose wife showed lack of affection. I happen to believe it is a fundamental in a relationship. Using the highly charged word 'cheating' is just an excuse to beat someone over the head. I find it quite childish.

And what exactly is "doing the right thing"? Staying with a man who thinks porn is a substitute for affection and sex with his wife? I don't think that is "doing the right thing".

"I think she should be able to post here to get some support with that".

With what? Putting up with a shitty marriage? Is that what you are recommending? Great advice - not.

Okay, so she stops taking an interest in any other men and focuses on her husband? Is this going to solve the problem that has persisted since they were first together? No. She has tried this many times and it hasn't worked.

I can't believe you wrote this Rainy: "Also consider how affectionate you'd feel towards a partner with undiagnosed anxiety and depression who was doing nothing to sort that out, who found work impossible but was similarly doing nothing to address it, who was - by her own admission - difficult and needy, who was given a second chance after being caught having phone sex but threw that away to jerk off a stranger."

The OP probably has depression because she is in a rubbish marriage. If she is as 'truly outrageous' and 'unforgivable' as you seem to think (talk about a wild exaggeration!) then why hasn't her husband gone screaming into the hills long ago?

I can pretty much guarantee you that the OP can (and will) sort herself out but her husband won't change. Yup - I know what advice I would give. I think it's much easier to separate when children are young. Take things step by step and get a support system in place. At least have a trial separation, OP. Given you both some breathing space. The interest in other men is indicative that OP is not happy in the relationship. Neither of them sound happy.

I do think that non-cheaters have the moral high ground as far as marital honesty goes, this doe not rule out that they cannot be horrible in other ways.

Your thinking seems to be quite black and white and life/people is/are of course not like that.

This thread is about cheating and that is what I am commenting on.
It's wrong, it's damaging and while there are of course reasons why somebody may stray, these are rarely valid excuses.

I agree with you insofar as she OP would likely benefit from separating, sorting her own health out and only embarking on a relationship again when she is in a good place herself.