I'm having an affair

[Rgy3250999]

Well I don't quite know where to start.

I've been with my DH for well over a decade, since we were teens and we have a young family together. We used to fight and fall out a lot when we first started dating, probably because we weren't overly compatible and he didn't show me a lot of affection. I have issues in the past which I accept have probably made me quite needy, although he really wasn't affectionate a lot. We both had family issues and I suppose that pushed us together even more as our relationship was like a form of escapism.

Fast forewarn a number of years and we had a family together. The arguments calmed down but we still weren't affectionate and sex was very rare and not great (little effort from him mostly).

I have had depression (undiagnosed so presumed) and haven't been the easiest person to live with at times. I've struggled to hold down a job due to social anxiety and his lack of affection meant that I used to question him a lot after nights out and ask about work colleagues etc. I know this was wrong and I understand this has probably pushed him away. He used to look at porn but then stopped because I felt quite jealous so now when I talk about his low libido, he's quick to remind me that he was more normal until I interfered.

Anyway, we have tried to make it work and plodded on. Deep down we do get on but there is a lot of resentment on both sides and when we have tried to make an effort, it feels forced and fake. It never lasts and we go back to our usual routine of being like friends with little interest in each other and not much affection or physical contact. We don't argue much now as I think we're both past that stage and we do get on ok, but it's not fulfilling.

So, I was feeling lonely and stupidly set up a profile on an online dating site with a fake picture. Not to get dates or anything, but to have conversation with other men and remember what it felt like to be young and have that excitement. I intended to stop and delete the profile but it became addictive and I probably withdrew further from my marriage.

After a few weeks, I exchanged numbers with one man and we talked a few times (he still didn't know what I looked lIke) and it led to phone sex late one evening whilst my DH was in bed. However, he wondered where I was and came looking for me very quietly and caught me. I felt terrible and he shouted and got upset. I explained what I had done and why and told him that these men hadn't got a picture of me and I hadn't met anyone. He eventually agreed to forgive me and we both said we'd try to get the spark back. I cut off contact with that other man and deleted my profile.

Then a few months later, my husband was poorly and I was trying to look after him and the kids. He spent over a week in bed sleeping and I was lonely. The sex and affection that had been promised hadn't been overly forthcoming even before he was poorly and I was now so tempted to create a new profile that one evening I signed up to the site again. I chatted to various men briefly and eventually one man came along that seemed really nice. He wasn't amazingly good looking but we clicked and he made me laugh. We exchanged numbers and talked a few times on the phone, plus sent hundreds of messages and I felt addicted to the attention and having so much fun. I knew I should stop but I couldn't.

After a few weeks of talking, he suggested we meet and that's when I thought it would end. I was just going to ignore him or block him as i knew it was over anyway but because he had been so lovely and I'd basically tricked him, I opened up about my home life and told him the truth. To my amazement, he didn't block me. He said he was sad as he had felt such a connection and hadn't gelled with anyone that well, even when we talked on the phone. I agreed as it was effortless and so natural. I was that taken aback by him not blocking me that I agreed to meet him. I didn't think I was capable of it really as I'm very shy normally and have social anxiety issues. I also knew it would be wrong and the voice in my head said it'd be ok because I would stop myself. I've always told DH that I'd never meet anyone else and believed that to be true as it had only ever been talking and I did/do love DH and my family.

That day I was so nervous but I met him. It was like I had forgotten everyone else (selfishly) and pretended to be an actress or someone else so I wasn't doing anything wrong. We had a long walk together in the sunshine and although I was nervous, we laughed a lot and it was really nice. We had a few kisses and cuddles and although it felt a bit awkward as deep down I knew it was wrong, I didn't want to stop. Still I told myself that this would be it and I'd end it. I had proved to myself that I could still date and be found attractive and I thought that was all I wanted.

He messaged a lot after that meeting though and I couldn't stop the contact. My DH didn't suspect anything and although he's a nice man really and a good father, home was boring and the messaging was exciting and actually felt far more loving than what I had at home.

Fast forward another week and this online man asked me for another date. This time to the cinema. Again, I didn't think I'd turn up but I did and thinks felt amazing. It was like we were a proper couple. We were further away from my home so I could relax and not worry about being caught. We held hands and cuddled a lot and then it turned really quite passionate with the kissing. I could feel he was erect whilst we kissed and I knew he wanted me. He said he hadn't felt anything that electric and passionate before and that he thought he was falling for me. Part of me felt terrible but then another part knew he meant it and I felt truly loved. He really looked after me and kept looking at me when he thought I wasn't looking and stroked/kissed my hands so gently.

After the film, he asked if I'd like to see his new home as he had just moved a few days before and said I could visit him (or not, no pressure) at any time and he would love to see me. I agreed to go to his place and followed him back in the car.

I knew we would kiss and I was actually a bit scared of how I felt and what I'd allow myself to do but still I didn't turn around. We got inside and kissed a lot. We laid on his bed cuddling and he made me feel amazing. The kissing was so passionate and we were both massively turned on. Although I didn't allow him to touch my naked body, he groped me a lot and I ended up giving him a hand job. Afterwards, it still felt amazing. We laughed, we talked, we cuddled. He got another erection and it felt good that someone wanted me so much.

So that was yesterday and now I'm wondering, what next. If we meet again next week, I'm sure he will touch me at the very least and I'm fairly sure we will end up having sex. This is already an affair but having sex would really seem like a proper affair to me, especially as me and DH were both virgins when we met and haven't been with anyone else. My head is a mess and I don't know what to do. I can't believe what I've already done and either my DH or this other man is going to get hurt which I didn't want.

So when your DH was your boyfriend he didn't take you anywhere and didn't give you any affection and sex was non existent.

Why on earth did you marry him if you wasn't happy?

Rueful smile PanGalacticGargleBlaster - You're probably right about projection. Feeling unloved and rejected for years is soul destroying, however withholding affection is abusive so I feel justified in suggesting it as a possibility.

I can totally understand the desperation to feel lovable but no affair is going to solve that for the OP - she needs to take responsibility for her own happiness and get some counselling.

This is a joke right ?

Allmenarewankers - why must this be a joke? You think it’s fake - yes?

Does the person you had an affair with have a partner..

I've had an awful lot of shit happen and I mean an awful lot.. would I use that as an excuse to cheat? Absolutely not. There isn't an excuse and anxiety wouldn't allow you to!

The OP has never said she is using things as an excuse.
There are way too many people on this board who have been cheated on themselves and have therefore lost any sense of rationale or objectivity about the issue. Shit happens in life.

I had an affair. Neither of us were married or had children, but we are now married to each other and have a family.

I was young and stupid, and felt completely lost and trapped in the dreadful relationship I was in too. Found my fiancé was sending dick pics to other women (they were on my bloody laptop) and I completely checked out. Turned to my best friend for comfort and ended up having an affair for about six months before everything imploded.

I don’t regret being with my DH but more than 10 years on I definitely regret the way it all went. I’d never cheated before and would never cheat again, I never thought I would be the type of person who would cheat, so I know that these things aren’t always black and white.

The thing is OP, you’re looking for a man to make you happy when what you really need is to work on your issues and be happy by yourself. This man is most likely not your soul mate, he’s just someone who’s shown you what you’ve been missing for so long which is intoxicating and causes infatuation.

You know you absolutely should not have done this. Now you need to figure out how you move on from here. You need to find self-worth and validation without someone else giving it to you. You need the self respect to leave relationships that don’t make you happy. You need to figure out why you felt compelled to betray your DH and your kids for an adolescent fumble with a man you don’t know. I had a lot of counselling after I left my ex - I too had a very difficult childhood and the worst role models around me, I had no direct experience of a healthy relationship so it’s not surprising I struggle to form healthy relationships myself. The fact that I had an affair is something I hate about myself, even though the result is a husband I love and amazing kids. Even when it works out it leaves scars. My ex was an arsehole but that’s no excuse for what I did.

You need to work on yourself and figure out if you want to salvage your marriage or not, and your DH needs to do the same. There’s no way I could still be with any of my teenage boyfriends - I’m a completely different person now.

Social anxiety so bad you can’t hold down a job but can meet random men on off he internet for sex. Right.

@croprotationinthe13thcentury
Then why put them in the post if it wasn't to try and mitigate her actions?

She was just venting nousername. I just dont see the need for the spite and bile towards her, seems like kicking somebody when they are down to me. Like I say, all kinds of people have affairs. There are people on here who say they would categorically never have an affair. Nobody - and I mean NOBODY - can be 100 per cent sure until they find themselves in that situation.

Op your marriage sounds dead if it was ever alive. You got together too young and with no experience thought that that's what relationships should be like. End your marriage officially and once you're free you can think of dating again but don't jump in quickly.

I can see how affairs happen in certain circumstances, but it's hard to justify or defend the cynical way op set about making it happen.

The OP has never said she is using things as an excuse.
There are way too many people on this board who have been cheated on themselves and have therefore lost any sense of rationale or objectivity about the issue. Shit happens in life.

Erm yes that is exactly what she is doing otherwise there would be no reason to bring them up.
The whole post was cringey, Shit happens, but she caused this..
There are far too many people making excuses for cheats. What did she expect, warm hugs and sunshine when as an adult she knows the pain she is causing?

FYI I've never been betrayed (that I know of) I just have little time for people who destroy families knowingly when they could have quite possibly walked away amibicly!

I didn't loose my sense of rationale while giving another man a hand job!

Your situation isn't uncommon. Seeking an affair is a sign that there is something significantly wrong with your current relationship. Point taken about your lack of financial independence: this is what is leading to you feeling trapped. You need to work out a robust strategy re how to make your own money, which won't happen overnight - it will probably involve studying/training over a number of years. Make this your priority and it will give you focus and help you to feel less of a passenger in your own life/trapped/in need of a man to stimulate/save you.

Oh and her OM is a twat not a nice man in any sense!

What nice man pursues another mans woman?

Yes, as a pp said at the beginning, you clearly enjoyed writing that. Was clear with all the unnecessary details.

Just leave your dh. Everyone understands that longing to be desired, but you'll never justify an affair.

@PanGalaticGargleBlaster curious if your username relates to your location or the original reference... Spiders Nightclub?

Need to improve the standard of writing for Mills and Boon, sorry. and that's saying something

no hand jobs in M&B last time I read one

I do find it laughable how many people are like, "Well, just leave your husband." Like it's that easy. Where is she supposed to go? Most people aren't exactly in a stable enough financial position to just go and get their own place. There's deposit, upfront rent money, money for bills, plus whatever you might currently be contributing to the house you're in at the moment. Who has that kind of start up money?
Yes, it is expensive, and takes ages. But obviously is possible, otherwise I and millions of others would not have got divorced. In fact, I find it laughable when people say "It's not that easy". Of course it bloody isn't!

Yes, raven and actually, you don't have to leave immediately anyway, assuming you're not in an abusive relationship. You can just separate, whilst you get things sorted.

It's hard not to judge when you've been kicked by that shoe yourself.

My advice to my husband who pursued another woman, a friend no less, was that he should have ended it with me first. Less pain than finding out the way i did.

Work on yourself first before you try to find fulfilment with another man.

Try therapy or CBT for your anxiety. Try again if you've already tried once. A new approach, a different therapist, THIS time may be different.

Build up your CV with voluntary work. At your childrens school, at wherever they do their hobbies. This will also have the benefit of leaving less time to fuck about trying to get validated by strangers on the internet.

If you are going to fuck this other man - use protection. Don't potentially catch something and pasd it on to your husband. Delete your messages and evidence so he won't see them. Delete them so your children don't actually see them.

This is the kindest advice I can give from someone who has been in your husband's position.

Presuming you wanted advice and not just to shock us with lurid details.

Rgy325 Please read, "Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party."
Please read it all, end to end, and see what it does to real people.

OK - this relationship is dead in the water. The OP tells us they have been together for 10 years since they were teenagers. It sounds to me that both OP and her husband have issues around intimacy (which is very common, especially if you had a less than perfect upbringing which is nearly everyone). The OP tells us that even when they were first together they used to fight and fall out. In other words, right from the beginning the relationship wasn't working. If you can't have fun and enjoy each other's company at the beginning - why will it get better?

Now let's move onto a recurring theme in the OP's post which is 'affection'. She states that from the beginning her now husband 'did not show affection'. If the OP had not come from a dysfunctional family background then OP's then boyfriend would not have got a second date. But she clearly did come from quite a dysfunctional background and therefore 'hoped' that what she was quite reasonably looking for would be forthcoming. This tends to be what people do when they come from dysfunctional backgrounds - they pick partners who won't be able to give them what they want and then try to change them.

OP goes onto state 'he wasn't affectionate'; she 'wants affection'; there is a 'lack of affection'. She then writes about how he used to use porn and that made her anxious about what he was doing when he was out. This is an entirely normal response. Who knows what he was doing when he was out and about. He was using porn at home already which was making her, quite understandably, anxious and jealous. When she quite rightly talks to him about her anxieties what happens? He stops using porn (or so he says) but - when the lack of affection and sex drives continues to be a problem he tells her that he was "normal until you interfered."

Just digest the above please. The OP's husband did not shown her affection, had a lack of interest in sex. Used porn and then complained that because she had a problem with his use of porn it had affected his sex drive which had been 'normal' before.

Quite frankly, I think the OP's husband has got off lightly. He sounds like a total knob and he's lucky she hasn't ditched him already.

Sort out your affairs - in every sense of the word - and plan on a formal separation from this affectionate - phobe who you unfortunately married because you did not know any better. A man who uses porn but cannot show affection to his wife and is not interested in sex with his wife is not worth bothering with.

You don't mention the children at all. What is your husband like as a father? What are his redeeming qualities (if any)? I'd get out while you are still young. Much easier while your children are younger than older, imo.

The affair has shown you what you are missing. Be grateful for that.